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Alarmed by my increase in drinking

G

Girl interupted

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Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,420
I’ve gone entire decades without having anything to drink. Mostly because during those periods I was dating drunks and doing everything I could possibly do to try to get them sober.

I know the pain and destruction associated with alcoholism, and you’d think I would know better.

Last year, as my mother was dying, and I was having a hard time keeping it together, I started using alcohol as a crutch to stop the feelings, the anxiety.

My history with alcohol is binge related. A pattern started in uni, where I couldn’t just have one or two, I had to get blind drunk.

So any type of drinking last year was a whole bottle of wine, not a glass to take the edge off.

My mom died and I got back to normalcy again, but during periods of stress I would binge again. I am bpd and part of the illness is self destructive excessive behaviour.

What is concerning me now is that even with minimal stress I am starting to binge. It’s becoming a habit and down the slippery slope of now craving it. I never had that before.

I’m reluctant to call myself an alcoholic, with a bit of willpower I can resist. What’s becoming problematic is that I am finding reasons in my head to not resist. And I do not want to go to AA for multiple reasons: bad memories of taking old boyfriends and watching the program fail for them, not overly keen on the religious aspect of it, don’t want to commit to the label because what if someone there is at my work and then they see me out having a glass of wine with dinner. It could impact my career. Plus it feels like AA is an on/off type thing, which wreaks havoc with my black and white thinking.

I am recognizing it is a problem. I’ve gone from the one bottle of wine to the bottle of wine and several glasses of hard liquor in one sitting. My tolerance is increasing. And it’s no longer the weekend warrior thing, it’s happening at night during the week. How much longer until it’s happening during the day?

And I’m hesitant to even post this. It’s admitting there’s a problem, which makes it more real. And there’s shame and anger that I am using it so much as a crutch. Yet I’m too socially afraid to try anything else. It feels like the most passive way to cope.

But I do hate that my tolerance is increasing and that I’ve gone for using it with major crisis to now using it with minor things. And I also recognize the depressive effects post binging are aggravating my illness.

I don’t know what to do.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
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Yes my therapist tells me it impacts my mood and has been trying for months to steer me to AA.
 
P

Pink1234

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Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
155
Location
UK
I would echo the advice to talk to your your GP Doctor.

I know it won’t work for everyone, but I use exercise as an escape and to de-stress. Athletics used to be my hobby so I get great benefit and a feeling of wellbeing from long walks or cycling.
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Mar 19, 2019
Messages
4,295
Location
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The good news is that you've become conscious of what you're doing.

It only takes 30 days of repeating any behaviour for the neural pathways to embrace this as a reflex habit. We don't think about what we're doing - we just follow the routine that has become second nature.

Abstinence will leave you with a void unless you can change your habits and develop new coping mechanisms. Maybe look at your normal patterns during the week and alter your daily schedule so that it's no longer compatible with drinking. If you normally finish work, go home, pour a few drinks and go to bed - get out and active. Find a new activity that will help you switch off from work and relax without alcohol.

I don't think it will be helpful to you in any way to label yourself as an alcoholic - you wouldn't be talking with this level of self-awareness if you really were. I think you've caught yourself before that downward spiral.

From what I know of you, GI, you are strong-minded and very independent. If the AA doesn't have a resonance with you, there's no point putting yourself through that. I think you are very capable of analysing your life and re-structuring it more positively. I'm going through all of this myself and you can count on me for any support and friendship you need. Meantime, I know there is an indomitable will in you that can use this wake-up call to change your life for the better. xx
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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J

Jules5

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Jan 27, 2019
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1,784
Location
Florida
I started drinking again after of almost a decade sober. I do it for something to occupy myself. It is becoming much more tolerant though. This alarms me as it is not like I can afford to drink up all that money. and then it all goes down the toilet and I am left with the waste in my body-hang over.

The first thing I would do is tap into your will to stop drinking you seem to have strength in this area and focus on that. My will power is on the low side and is only if I do not have money then I will not drink I do not want to rob people to drink. Guess that is my breaking point. Lots of love and hugs
 
G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
Messages
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I'm so grateful for this forum. Thank you guys for taking the time to comment without judgement.

LL you always seem to hit the mark with me EVERY time. Xo
 
Cpt_Stunning

Cpt_Stunning

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Jan 23, 2019
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566
Location
Plymouth
I stopped drinking vodka 10 years ago, & I never missed it although I always thought I would.

But I still do drink, my advice would be to quit the liquor/spirits, & you will feel better. & I found that when I stopped drinking hard stuff, stuck to beer, often I wouldn't even be tempted with a beer for days.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
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Well this helped. Not.

Had a bottle of sparkling rose tonight.

There’s a fundamental part of me that does this to occupy the many hours I spend alone and afraid. Which creates the anxiety.

I’m sorry guys, I am so not worth your time.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Mar 9, 2012
Messages
11,067
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
Well this helped. Not.

Had a bottle of sparkling rose tonight.

There’s a fundamental part of me that does this to occupy the many hours I spend alone and afraid. Which creates the anxiety.

I’m sorry guys, I am so not worth your time.
you ARE worth our time :hug:

Lots and lots of loves coming your way :love:
 
G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,420
I’m not midnight. I’m an asshole.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,420
My doctor is racist. She told me I am like “all white people.” It takes four months to get an appointment with her.
 
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