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New member
Mar 26, 2009
Los Angeles
I don't know what to write --

I came here because I have a wide range of difficult problems, nearly all of which stem from mental health issues. I'm a 22 year old male. About this time last year, I dropped out of college and moved back in with my mom only to leave a few weeks later after contemplating suicide. I decided that I'd rather take a big risk and see what happened rather than end it all, so I packed up my laptop computer and a few pairs of clothes and walked about 20 miles in the middle of the night to the nearest town with a greyhound station. From there, I used 220 of the 400 dollars that I had for a ticket to Salt Lake City, Utah. I touched down in Utah with no family, friends, or connections of any type, and a checked into a homeless shelter after running out of money for motels. I quickly got a temp job in a factory, and I worked for a month and half or so before I started to get really depressed again. I read about a shelter for people in my specific age range in Los Angeles, so I packed up and left again. While I was on the waiting list for the program, I spent a week in a hostel in Santa Monica -- A very invigorating week it was. After being checked into the program, reality caught up with me again: Just a few months before I was the typical slacker, college student studying Cognitive Science, only to quickly find myself in the company of gang bangers and kids who went through foster programs only to come out with problems that seemed to dwarf my own. I spent a very tumultuous few months trying to adjust to the strict rules of the program, all the while being forced out onto the streets everyday to job search in a dead market. I eventually got lucky and found a grunt job at a theme park, and proceeded to work 60 hours a week for all of last summer.

I should stop here to mention that my mental problems became severe (suicide attempts) in late high school but went unrecognized and untreated. When I started dropping all of my classes in college, I started receiving treatment from their clinic on grant money. I met with a psychiatrist bi-weekly and a therapist once a week for about 20 weeks, and I was taking prozac. I had a short-term improvement, but when the money ran out and I was no longer getting prescriptions or treatment (I didn't follow through with my community referral), I was fired from my job and immediately fell back into the same academic pattern of withdrawals. I eventually lost my full scholarship as well as financial aid (no satisfactory academic progress), which forced me to leave.

Back to Los Angeles. I'm receiving treatment here as well, I've been on Wellbutrin XL since last June. Though I've noticed some minor boosts, I'm still extremely negative, pessimistic, and occasionally suicidal. I tried it along with Zoloft for awhile, but that only increased the suicidal ideations, and I went so far as to test for suitable places to hang myself. I've met with two therapist's since being here. The first was an MSW who left for another job, and the second is a 2nd year MSW grad student. None of my meetings seem to help with anything, though it does give me the opportunity to talk to people. It doesn't help that my therapist is only a few years older than me.

My job's hours go by union seniority, so I only work during the summer and holidays. My search to find a more suitable job has lead nowhere. I've since started school again at the nearest community college, and I technically have a 4.0 GPA since I finished Intro to General Chem this past winter semester. However, this semester, I've already withdrawn from a class (Calculus II), and I can't seem to work up the energy or motivation to stay on top of my other two (English II & General Chem I). I don't know what the hell I want to do in school -- I don't even know what a good thing to do would be. I doubt that a quality school -- such as one of the University of California campuses -- would accept me as a transfer applicant, no matter how well I do in the community college, given my record at the other university. I also think that a degree from a California State University simply wouldn't be worth the effort, and I would fear being intellectually underestimated for the rest of my life.

This past week, my current psychiatrist got the medical records that he requested from my last clinic. It was a humongous stack of papers, and he let me peek at them (I don't know if he should have done this). I saw the notes that my first therapist kept and the comments that she would make, most of which she never shared. She said that she thought I was completely incapable of forming intimate relationships, and that my relationship with her was probably the most meaningful that I'd ever had in my life.. Uh, this is a completely different can of worms, and I've just realized that there's a lot here that I'm not mentioning, so perhaps the rest would be best left for another area of the forum.

Hope I haven't scared you away from saying anything to me!

-- Toodles
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Hi Jufe and welcome to the forum. Glad you felt safe enough to be able to share all that with us. If we can we'll help and if you do want to spill it all regularly the journals section is where a lot of us blog and most find it useful. We all use that area for different reasons and it does work.
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