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Agrophobias taken over my life and my wifes!

N

Northboy20

New member
Joined
Apr 14, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Northampton, Northamptonshire
Hello everyone, thankyou for taking the time to read my post.

I would like to share my experience as a partner living with someone who has agoraphobia and hope that you can offer me some advice / understanding.

I am 25 years old, been with my partner 3 years this month and married since July last year.

Anyways here's the story leading up to now

Me and my wife met 3 years ago, I noticed that she had a fear of the smell of cannabis. She would run away in public if someone was using it, I thought this unusual but did not judge.

After 6 months we moved in together, I began to notice she was awake throughout the night extremely often and she would tell me the next morning it was anxiety keeping her awake.

Eventually I recommend she got some therapy as she was hardly sleeping, slacking at work, her mothers terminally ill in a care home and her father is not handling that well so we "parent" him so to speak also she had been physically abused in a past relationship.

She had several sessions with a hyponotherpaist who made alot of progress with her, her sleeping habits return back to normal and she was back to her old self.

We moved into a bigger house, both got better jobs and got engaged, lived a normal life (minus her fear of cannabis, our neighbour smoked it so this became an issue to the point she began to tape the letter box up at night incase the neighbour "blew smoke through the letterbox".) I thought this was odd but everyone has there quirks right?

Then began the agoraphobia.

She began panicking anytime we were not at home and I had to take her straight home, it started with long distance and got smaller and smaller to the point she couldnt leave town. She became terrified of traffic. Each time she got stuck in traffic in a part of town she stopped going there until there was next to nowhere she would go.

This carried on for months which was manageable l, I made all important journeys by myself, we got her working from home, we got married near to home etc.


Then she began to call me back from work ( an hour and a half drive ) saying she was panicking, this became so regular that I lost my work, she began threatening that I could not come home if I left for work and that I wouldn't do it if I loved her.

Since then I have got work close to home but she now restricts my whole life.

I can not leave the house for more than 1 hour at a time if I am close by ( 1 mile ) she has to know where i am exactly and I can expect to recieve several phone calls during that time to check on me and my location is checked by snapchat. Often when I try to leave I will drive down the road and get called home.

If she has to go into her work office near our house then I have to sit in the car and wait for her with the same threats. I can be there for up to 6 hours.

Whenever I try talk to her about it she tells me she will try to let me go more but she doesn't, she just says it to get through another day.

The worst part is I have to hide it from everyone, no body knows. She forces me to lie and I am constantly making excuses and looking unreliable to everybody I know and any work opportunity that comes my way I am prevented from taking.

Over time this has been effecting me mentally and has put a strain on our relationship to breaking point.

I have no freedom, I have to ask to go for a walk and even then I am rarely allowed to go.

I am beginning to feel trapped but I love my wife and we have so much together.

I spent hours a day thinking I want to leave and it makes me feel sick because I love her but I hate being trapped.

How can I help her?

Will she ever recover?

What do I do when she won't even tell the truth to a therapist ?

Am I wrong for wanting to leave the marriage ?

Anything you can offer me as advice would be greatly appreciated.

North x
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
3,498
Location
Nashua NH
Hello everyone, thankyou for taking the time to read my post.

I would like to share my experience as a partner living with someone who has agoraphobia and hope that you can offer me some advice / understanding.

I am 25 years old, been with my partner 3 years this month and married since July last year.

Anyways here's the story leading up to now

Me and my wife met 3 years ago, I noticed that she had a fear of the smell of cannabis. She would run away in public if someone was using it, I thought this unusual but did not judge.

After 6 months we moved in together, I began to notice she was awake throughout the night extremely often and she would tell me the next morning it was anxiety keeping her awake.

Eventually I recommend she got some therapy as she was hardly sleeping, slacking at work, her mothers terminally ill in a care home and her father is not handling that well so we "parent" him so to speak also she had been physically abused in a past relationship.

She had several sessions with a hyponotherpaist who made alot of progress with her, her sleeping habits return back to normal and she was back to her old self.

We moved into a bigger house, both got better jobs and got engaged, lived a normal life (minus her fear of cannabis, our neighbour smoked it so this became an issue to the point she began to tape the letter box up at night incase the neighbour "blew smoke through the letterbox".) I thought this was odd but everyone has there quirks right?

Then began the agoraphobia.

She began panicking anytime we were not at home and I had to take her straight home, it started with long distance and got smaller and smaller to the point she couldnt leave town. She became terrified of traffic. Each time she got stuck in traffic in a part of town she stopped going there until there was next to nowhere she would go.

This carried on for months which was manageable l, I made all important journeys by myself, we got her working from home, we got married near to home etc.


Then she began to call me back from work ( an hour and a half drive ) saying she was panicking, this became so regular that I lost my work, she began threatening that I could not come home if I left for work and that I wouldn't do it if I loved her.

Since then I have got work close to home but she now restricts my whole life.

I can not leave the house for more than 1 hour at a time if I am close by ( 1 mile ) she has to know where i am exactly and I can expect to recieve several phone calls during that time to check on me and my location is checked by snapchat. Often when I try to leave I will drive down the road and get called home.

If she has to go into her work office near our house then I have to sit in the car and wait for her with the same threats. I can be there for up to 6 hours.

Whenever I try talk to her about it she tells me she will try to let me go more but she doesn't, she just says it to get through another day.

The worst part is I have to hide it from everyone, no body knows. She forces me to lie and I am constantly making excuses and looking unreliable to everybody I know and any work opportunity that comes my way I am prevented from taking.

Over time this has been effecting me mentally and has put a strain on our relationship to breaking point.

I have no freedom, I have to ask to go for a walk and even then I am rarely allowed to go.

I am beginning to feel trapped but I love my wife and we have so much together.

I spent hours a day thinking I want to leave and it makes me feel sick because I love her but I hate being trapped.

How can I help her?

Will she ever recover?

What do I do when she won't even tell the truth to a therapist ?

Am I wrong for wanting to leave the marriage ?

Anything you can offer me as advice would be greatly appreciated.

North x
If you haven’t already I would stage an intervention with you and anyone else in her life to sit her down and get her to pay attention to how much this has become an issue. Tell her that you are thinking of leaving her because of it. Encourage her to seek counseling to help with it. Stop giving into all of her demands as you are enabling her. By appeasing her it seems you are making things worse. Let her know what YOUR needs are for a change and ask her to accommodate. YOUR needs, YOUR life and YOUR health must be a priority. It’s not all about her.
 
C

Camaro502

New member
Joined
Apr 21, 2020
Messages
2
Location
United States
Hi Northboy,

You and your wife must be feeling bewildered and frustrated by all of this. Of course you’re having doubts about everything. In my experience, it’s a good idea to hold off on making major decisions when coming from an emotional place. With the right support and knowledge, she won’t always be this way. She doesn’t want to be this way, but fear can make us all a bit self-focused. The book, “Hope and Help for your Nerves” by Dr Claire Weekes might be helpful for you to listen to/read together. The language in the book is kind of outdated, but she was a pioneer in anxiety, panic, and agoraphobia treatment without medication. The methods are still used today. Hope this is useful for you both.
 
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