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Agitated and tempted to self harm again

valleygirl

valleygirl

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I have been studying for my last final exam of the term, and I am getting restless and agitated. I'm probably anxious too, but not really admitting it to myself because I'm sick and tired of anxiety ruling my life. I don't think I'm anywhere near ready for this exam. It's a course on human development, focusing on early childhood, and there is so much to remember--Piaget and Erikson and Kohlberg and brain development and biosocial development and social development and so many fucking stages and definitions to remember, and my brain feels maxed out. And then there's the rest of my fucking life, things like needing to find a job, and I'll be starting a summer class--Intro to Human Services, and apparently we have to talk about personal stuff all the things me in that class. NOT looking forward to that.

AND ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS WANTING TO HURT MYSELF!

And all 18 wounds from Tuesday are still fresh. The last time I self harmed was almost 2 years ago. And previously when I self harmed I could last months at a time without SH. I would always wait until the wounds had healed before I would harm again. But now I feel like I can't wait. I feel like I need to do it again, and I just did it 18 times 3 days ago. It just feels like this irresistible urge.
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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Anxiety is increasing. Still wanting very badly to SH. I wish there wasn't an 8 hour time difference between where I live and the UK. You guys are probably all sleeping by now. I'm on hold for an online crisis chat thingy. I don't want to call a crisis line. It's more scary talking on the phone to a real person (a stranger) than it is chatting anonymously on the Internet. I don't want anyone to make me commit to going to the emergency room at the hospital. I haven't showered in 2 days, and today I didn't even wash my face or get dressed. I still have yesterday's mascara smudged all over my face. I feel as long as I keep typing shit on here I'm not going to harm because my fingers are busy. Please let the online chat person be available. I've been waiting for so long and it still says on the screen that my position in line is one. What happens if I SH again? Do I have to tell my counsellor again? And what will she say? Will she tell me that I need to go to the hospital? Please, please, please, I need to to talk to someone. I know I should call the crisis line but it am too scared to do that.
 
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valleygirl

valleygirl

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I'm sorry, but I couldn't stop myself, even in the middle of doing the crisis chat. I SH'd over 20 times. And it worked to calm me down. Seeing the results on my body somehow calms me, but at the same time I find that very disturbing. But nothing else works like seeing the SH on my body, even though I know I am going to have even more scars to hide.
 
katya

katya

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Aw hun, I'm so, so sorry.

Sounds like the stress of your exam is causing you to go back to self-harm, but please remember that we're all here for you and that the best thing you can do for yourself is to calm yourself down.

Just realised this was posted 7 hours ago... How are you feeling now?

Is your therapist available to call?

:hug1:
 
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valleygirl

valleygirl

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No, she's not available on the weekends or in between appointments. I just got up, and don't really feel awake yet. Having a cup of tea and sauted zucchini with basil and scrabbled eggs.
 
katya

katya

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No, she's not available on the weekends or in between appointments. I just got up, and don't really feel awake yet. Having a cup of tea and sauted zucchini with basil and scrabbled eggs.
That sounds lovely. I hope you've managed to have some sleep. The tea will help you come around. :)
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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I feel like I need more caffeine because my brain still feels so foggy and I'm trying to get in some last minute studying before my exam this afternoon. But the catch-22 is that caffeine also increases my anxiety.
 
katya

katya

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I feel like I need more caffeine because my brain still feels so foggy and I'm trying to get in some last minute studying before my exam this afternoon. But the catch-22 is that caffeine also increases my anxiety.
That makes sense. Try some breathing techniques too, and that might counter-act the effect of the caffeine? Try breathing in for 4, out for 7.
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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Just wanted to let all you kind folks know that my exam went much better than I thought it would. Thanks for all your encouragement.
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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I'm done exams for now, but on May 4th I will start my summer class. And u need to find a job that I can work around my class and counselling, so I still have a considerable amount of stress, and I am very tempted to live in fantastical daydreams about coming into vast amounts of money that would make it possible for me to never have to work again and to be able to stay in counselling as long as I need to.
 
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