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Afraid to speak

Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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*Trigger Warning*

Feeling suicidal. I am afraid to say this to anyone. I am afraid to say it to my husband. What would that do to him? I am feeling hated. I am feeling scared and guilt. I want to work my way out of this without speaking too much. I don’t understand my feelings. Hearing someone say these words are painful. I know. I’ve experienced it. It feels like I am dragged down a road of broken glass with no permission to speak or scream because I would be blinding someone else’s pain, but I could not breathe. If I held my breath maybe it wouldn’t be so.

Then, as I was watching and praying vigilantly in the wrong directions, I lost because I waited and rejected while not feeling well; later is where I reserved our time, but later didn’t exist.

I am lost. I don’t like hearing anyone call my name. That is a strange pain. It invokes anxious feelings, intense feelings. Pain. The plea of
Please just leave me alone. I can’t do it anymore.
I have backed myself in a corner. Maybe I want to be who I am not, or maybe I am but need a long rest.

There are the exceptions. “Mom”. I love the precious sound of my son’s voice. I want to be here for you. I love you. I am sorry. I am sorry for fading in and out. Have you noticed? You and Daddy are my world. It is a beautiful world. I am with you.

Why do I lose? What is happening?. My need is unbelievable but is feeling unbearable.I want help but I don’t want to lose control. I won’t repeat this anymore.
 
S

Sugaree

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I hope you are feeling better by the time you read this. It will get light again and I hope to see you post. :hug:
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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I hope you can find the strength to talk to someone even if it's just a phone call to a helpline.

A good friend of mine called the Samaritans during his depression and he told me that after the call he had the best nights sleep of his life, he's now a huge advocate for mental health and his story is featured on the Samaritans website. He's also been in the papers and on the radio talking about mental health and how important it is to talk about it.


It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
 
TooMuchPain

TooMuchPain

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\_(ツ)_/
I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. I've been in a fog myself. Its hard to concentrate. I think you are a valuable member of this forum. I'm sure you are someone who gives more than you receive. I get likes and hugs from you all the time. That really cheers me up. Thank you! Please DM if you ever need to talk or a pick me up. Its okay to cry. It took me a long time to cry and I'm still not good at it. I think talking it out would be good for you. I think BPD people need to feel heard without judgment. Is their a non-profit group near you where you can go and talk it out and feel connected? Please keep talking here and let us know how your doing. You are not alone. I hope you start feeling better soon.
 
miss_sensitivity

miss_sensitivity

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New Zealand
You have a lot of love in your heart, I see it on these forums. Hang on. You are worthy of your life and I hope this pain is replaced with the feelings you deserve soon.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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Location
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Hi Thank you all. I do want to talk to my husband, but I haven't been able to and I am not sure if I should. What more could he do? He does so much, even makes lunches for me to take to make sure I eat something. One day I asked him if I could tell him something and asked him to promise he would not be mad. He promised and his eyes looked worried. I could only say I am not feeling well.
I am afraid to call a hotline because for one thing I would need to be somewhere no one else could hear. The other is what would happen. I don't want to end up in a hospital. I know a few people who were required to be hospitalized based on what they said, one was my mom. She probably needed support in that way. I don't think I am there at this time but feel like I am borrowing days sometimes.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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Location
California
Working my way out without saying too much is what I have been trying to do.
 

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