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Afraid to get married for the third time

TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
315
Location
On The Train
My parents were abusive. My father molested me and beat my mother in front of me. He died in front of me of a heart attack when I was ten. My mother was always mean to me and said she wished I had not been born. I had trouble making friends because I didn't know how to socialize. My first party I was sexually assaulted in front of a crowd of people who did not help me. I was afraid of men after this.

I ended up getting married for the first time when I was 24. He was really sweet until our wedding night where he tried to choke me during the act. He said some women like that. I said never do that again but he would still do it for a few seconds because he thought my reaction was "funny". Anyway he would scream in my ears and hit me in the back of the head. He said he would never divorce me and would rather be a widower than a divorced man. He went off on me once in front of our co-workers and everyone was shocked. He told them I was crazy. Then I asked for a divorce again and he was happy to divorce me now because I was "more trouble than I was worth".

A few years later I met a guy at work. His ambition was to smoke weed all day and pop pills, not work and have me support him and his two daughters (4yr and 6yr). Short story: he stole money from me, sold my things for more drugs, I left him and he attempted suicide. He injected himself with something and planned to have his daughters(!!) discover his dead body with a letter blaming me. His mother found him and brought him to the hospital He wrote me jibberish emails after that claiming "I" destroyed his brain.

Next relationship was with an alcoholic. I was also an alcoholic by this point. Short story: he would be very mean and drag me around by my arm. He would break up with me and then beg for me back. I would come back because I felt like such a loser no one else could love me. One time he broke up with me after we were drinking heavy and he dragged me to my car and told me to go. I said let me sleep off the alcohol and he said no. He pushed me into the drivers seat and told me to go or he would call the police. I drove drunk and crying home. I had it with him. He did try to beg for me back but I realized it would be better to be single.

So now on to my second marriage. I met him on a religious dating site. I thought because he was a religious guy he would be good and kind, but no. He lied about having a degree, his weight, and the fact he had $12,000(not a typo) in traffic violations. Turns out he was only religious for appearances. He scammed people for money all the time. He wanted to buy social security numbers from disabled children so he could build a fake business. Seriously. I have so many stories about him. He was a narcissist to a T. He was violent and smashed a wine bottle at my feet and threw all the glass dishes on the floor. He chased me around screaming. He blamed me for this. He said I threw an object at him which triggered him. I did not. We went to marital therapy and he was writing emails to the therapist about me. She totally took his side and acted so charmed by him. They were emailing each other behind my back. I ran away from him while he was at work. I ended up at a homeless shelter because I had nowhere to go. That was last year.

I am engaged again. He is 17 years older than me. He is sweet and caring. I have a separate apartment but I spend most of my time living at his. He knows my problems and wants to be supportive. He is a lawyer and loves to work.

I am afraid to get married again. He is not violent. He does not drink. He has a good relationship with his parents. We started dating when I was at the homeless shelter. In fact would pick me up for dates outside the shelter 🙂

Some days though, I just want to be alone. I am afraid to be tied to him. I am afraid of his age too. When I am 60 he will be 77. But really I want to be alone. I'm tired of relationships. They are exhausting.

I have been having nightmares about ex husband #2. I am afraid he will crash my wedding and shoot me. He has illegal guns. He threatened to shoot me before. He would "practice" holding his gun, pointing it at me. Sigh.... I have been having anxiety every day. I have been drinking to cope. I have a therapist and will see her next week.
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
315
Location
On The Train
I thought this didn't post due to its length and made a more concise post with a similar title but I would like to keep this one up too. I feel details are important.
 
C

CreativeIntrovert

Active member
Joined
Oct 15, 2018
Messages
35
I know this is from last month but I wanted to say I'm sorry to hear what you went through and also that, it's ok to be alone. In fact, it is often really positive to be alone to give ourselves time to heal and become the people we truly are.

I'm a bit concerned that you're running from one relationship to the next. Listen to your gut, you're afraid of getting married and have doubts and concerns. They are valid doubts. Don't rush into anything.

Look up:

Trauma re-enactment
Love addiction
Red flags of narcissists and psychopaths

It sounds like you are possibly looking for someone to 'rescue' you after your abusive childhood. Effectively your traumatised inner child is looking for the loving parent she never got. This is called trauma re-enactment because unfortunately the subconscious is attracted to people like our parents even if they were abusive, hence your past abusive relationships.

You have to heal your attachment trauma from childhood to stop continuing on this cycle of abusive relationships and provide yourself with the love that you deserved from your parents but were not given.

There is a good course you can do online called The Freedom Programme. It costs £12, I've signed up to do it myself since my ex is a psychopath and I have several abusive exes. It's recommended for survivors of domestic abuse and lots of women have said it has helped them. There are also excellent youtube channels for survivors of abuse where they can help you understand your past and heal as well as books. I have relevant links so if you would like them let me know and I'll share them here.
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
315
Location
On The Train
Thank you for your post ❤! I appreciate it! I would love some links :grouphug:
 
C

CreativeIntrovert

Active member
Joined
Oct 15, 2018
Messages
35
Ok I'll share some links but I'll have to stagger them as I need to go and do some work. Here is the first video, I found it really helpful myself and Nu Mindframe's channel is excellent with a lot of helpful information for abuse survivors navigating the world:

 
C

CreativeIntrovert

Active member
Joined
Oct 15, 2018
Messages
35
Here is her video on Trauma Re-enactment:
 
C

CreativeIntrovert

Active member
Joined
Oct 15, 2018
Messages
35
Here is the Freedom Programme: The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse
I think when you sign up to do it they send you a digital copy of the book 'Living with the Dominator. You can also get this book as a paperback on Amazon, a lot of women on this domestic abuse forum I'm in have recommended it. I'd say it's a good one for you to read given your history of abusive marriages: Living with the Dominator: A Book About the Freedom Programme: 1: Amazon.co.uk: Pat Craven, Jacky Fleming: 8601404265457: Books
 
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