Afraid of getting married for the third time

TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

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I made a super long post but don't see it on the board. Maybe it was too long. Anyway, I have only been in relationships with abusive men. I was married to two of them. The last one ended last year and I ended up in a homeless shelter. My parents were abusive. My father molested me and so did an uncle.

I havenever had a good relationship with a man until now. He is 54 and I am 36. He is very loving and sweet. He is not violent. He doesn't drink or do drugs. He is a stable man with a good job. He likes to work. But as the day gets closer I have been having worse anxiety than normal. I have been having nightmares especially about ex #2. I am worried he will crash the wedding and shoot me. He has guns and threatened me with them before. Sometimes I just want to be alone and never be in a relationship again. I have a therapist and will see her next week. I have been drinking to cope.
 
Edinscotbrit

Edinscotbrit

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It sounds very close to the date, I was going to say , spend some time on your own and get to know yourself and what you want before going into another relationship let alone another marriage.

He sounds a decent guy, has a job etc , likes to work. Possibly he may be a bit of a workaholic, no idea.

Very difficult to suggest anything, like I say, it sounds awfully close, otherwise maybe see how things progress for six months etc. Your last one ended only last year, doesn`t, to me, seem a long enough time to get over what happened and get back on an even keel.

Any chance of taking a bit more time to yourself and working on why on this need and rush to get married??
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

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I don't feel like my life is complete unless I have a family. That's all I ever wanted. I am 36 without children and feel like I need to get married now while I can still have children.

Thank you for your response
 
Edinscotbrit

Edinscotbrit

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I don't feel like my life is complete unless I have a family. That's all I ever wanted. I am 36 without children and feel like I need to get married now while I can still have children.

Thank you for your response
That is understandable.

But there is more to life than having a family. A good decent guy who respects and loves you. Work on that then think about a family. You`ve had bad experience already, you don`t need more of it. Even worse bringing a child into the world in an unhealthy situation.

I`m guessing he is ok with starting a family, so I guess I hardly need to say discuss with him first.

Stop the focus on having a family, and ask "Is this guy the one I want to have a family with"? I`m sure you can get tunnel vision when you are focused on one particular aspect. It does sound , if you don`t mind me saying, you go on the rebound a bit??
 
midnightphoenix

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I am so sorry about your abusive exes and family, you did not deserve any of that, sounds like you can be happy with your new man :grouphug:

best to take it slow :grouphug:
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

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Thank you for your responses.
 
calypso

calypso

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This is a problem for you and I really feel for you. Finally you have the good man and you are panicking. I have read that we tend to marry what we recognise so initially you married a man who abused you because that is what you recognised. It seems to me with this one you have finally found a man who breaks the mold for you and that is a great positive. Hold on to your fears and don't let them break this one. It is possibly your fear of having something positive in your life at last.

I hope that makes sense, not thinking straight at the moment. Take care and you can make it.
 
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