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Afraid I'm developing an eating disorder

F

Furby

New member
Joined
Feb 18, 2010
Messages
2
Hi all,
The issue is in the thread title, really. I guess I should elaborate (it'll be long - skip to the end if you so wish).
I’ve been health conscious since I was very young, aged eleven or twelve. Of course at that age your knowledge is still limited, but I did try very hard and ate well compared with many children of that age. Of course in your teenage years, your will power for that kind of thing is diluted, but I made sure I didn’t eat terribly.
Yet little under a year ago, give or take, I became more aware of nutritional content. I’m naturally thin; my brother and I ate the same diet more or less when I was younger, and where he was a little tubby around the edges, I remained quite small! I stand at 5’4”, and then I was roughly 108lbs. So I had no reason to start counting calories…and yet I did. Slim as I was, I still didn’t like my stomach or legs. Nothing too drastic came of it; reducing my regular calorie intake of around 1700 to 1500 (back then I exercised little, and 2000 just wasn’t needed). I then dropped it further to 1200 in hope of losing my stomach fat more. This went on for a while, until I gradually lost the will power and just ate normally, whilst still being aware of the nutritional value etc.

Fast forward to four months ago, when I hit a really bad place regarding OCD and depression. In all truth, I’m still there. It’s been tough. I’ve lost almost all of my friends (my problems are only partly to blame, in fairness), I lost interest in my hobbies (art and music, mainly), and I lack motivation to see the day through. If I had my way, I’d be in bed all day! I’ve become a victim of ritualistic self half and trichotillomania, neither of which are very fun. To sum up, things aren’t great. I currently see an NLP practitioner and a psychologist, but it’s relatively early days.
Back to the topic, now you know the foundations. As I’m sure many of you have experienced, I’ve lost control; OCD is who I am. Phoebe has been lost. A combination of that, losing friends and seeing the effect it has on my family batters self worth. It’s been four months of thinking how much easier it’d be for everyone else if I wasn’t here. Luckily(?), regardless of how strong the suicidal thoughts get, I’m not brave enough to see them through! Nor would I want to leave my sister (she had a very difficult few years, so now she’s really on the up I couldn’t do that to her).
Now it was probably subconsciously; I cut down on my food again. Down to 1200kcal. I don’t think I was aiming to lose weight at first. I weighed myself for the first time in quite a while, to find I’d dropped to 102/103lbs. Confused? Yes. Pleased? That too. I thought I better keep it up. Down to 1000kcal. Maybe more if I felt like it; it wasn’t too strict. I weighed myself roughly two months later. 96lbs. At first I was a little worried! And then I thought to myself “If I look like this now, how on earth did I look almost a stone heavier?!” My stomach and legs were still an issue. Cut the calories again. 800 a day, that seemed fine. I see no change in my figure. Now, I restrict to between 350-600 calories a day, depending on what I’m doing. And part of me – the part that’s writing this – knows I’m being ridiculous. But this rational me is over powered by the psycho shouting “STOP EATING! YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS!” much like the part of me that knows OCD is irrational. I’m currently 92/93 lbs. If I eat I feel like a traitor to myself; I feel like I’ve put on vast amounts of weight even if all I ate was a slice of bread. I look in the mirror and don’t know what I see…usually, I find fault, where I want the fat to go away. But twice in the last month have I looked in the mirror just before getting in the shower, and I saw what I assume is really there. But seconds later, I look again and the skeletal girl is gone and I’m finding fault again. Every night I go to bed saying “I’ll eat normally tomorrow” and then wake up calculating what to eat to remain within my restricted calorie count.
Ironically I advise (sometimes preach!) friends and family about balanced diets, sugar, fats and calories – I know how one should eat. I love to bake and cook, too. That way I know what I'm eating and make it as healthy as possible. I'm an aspiring pastry chef - all the fun without having to eat all the goods yourself .

When I've got my rational head on, I come back to the comclusion of control. I#ve lost control over every other aspect of my life, and this is my way of regaining it. I'm controlling what I eat, and it's been taken too far. I don't know what to make of this situation. Does anyone have any thoughts?
Thanks,
Phoebe.
 
S

swan

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 10, 2009
Messages
117
Location
London, UK
This sounds like me, i totally know where you're coming from. I restrict food intake and self-harm for control too and i feel so much more level when i do, yet i know im damaging myself. I'm sorry i cant offer any advice, just know that there's someone out there that feels your pain. Hope you find away out of the vicious cycle! You're welcome to message me if you need someone to talk to.
 
RedRoseBeauty

RedRoseBeauty

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 10, 2010
Messages
2,374
Location
A city in a country.
Eating disorders can be based on the feeling of control, because food seems to be the only thing in your life you feel you have the full control over.

From what you have said it does seem that you have signs of an eating disorder, i would advise that you get professional help as soon as possible before this progresses into something more severe and becomes a big problem.

Chin up and i hope things work out for you!

:hug:
 
S

summerfairy

Guest
From what you're describing it sounds like you know something is wrong. 92lbs isn't a healthy weight for 5'4 but irrespective of that the restriction on your kcal intake plus the thoughts you're having just aren't healthy.

The problem is that by controlling what you eat, you're only having an illusion of control. It isn't real. Being in control is being strong, and healthy, and eating well. It isn't restricting calories, getting upset when you think you're too big and getting upset when you eat.

Calorie restriction really feeds depression and wrecks your moods, as well as causing anxiety.

I would try to get back up to a BMI of 20 by gradually increasing what you eat maybe much in the same way as you decreased it.

If you can't do that on your own, please seek from someone. Good luck.
 
E

elitejones

New member
Joined
Mar 19, 2010
Messages
3
Bipolar disorder

You need to feel that you are worthy enough to change your binge eating habits. Only after you do this and improve your self-esteem and relaxation is very important in clearing your mind and turning away from the binge,this may help especially when you have the urge to binge eat.Thanks.
 
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