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Affair..

A

aimee**

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Joined
Jul 6, 2010
Messages
157
Location
Surrey
I think my partner had an affair. When i was really ill this year/last year i was horrible to be with and if i'm honest i wouldnt blame him if he had. I never wanted to go out the house, i didnt want to be close to him i just wanted to stay in and shut everyone out.

About 4 months ago i got texts from the boyfriend of one of the girls in our group of friends saying that my partner had been having an affair with her. My partner denyed it and told me to ignore him but the more i hear the more things start to make sence. His constant messages to her which i just thought we because they were friends, her drunk texts to him at 2am, and the fact he would delete his BBM history between her and him and delete all his texts. They work together and one day had a course near by, when i got our credit card bill through he had taken her out for an expensive lunch even though we were struggling for money. Then it took them 2 hours to get back from somewhere thats about 40 minutes away.

She was one of my friends and when i asked her if it was true she dodged talking to me for weeks until eventually she text me saying i had nothing to worry about because he loved me. Shes has never denyed it.

She was supposed to come on holiday with us all but didnt as she said she now had to 'work' even though she had paid for her flights and the deposit on the villa. Her partner said it was because she couldnt face me and worried that i would find out about the affair and then not go and her sister would loose out on the holiday as she was coming too.

I'm worried that hes not admitting it as hes worried i will do something silly. But i just want to know. i'm constantly worried about where he is, i check his phone and check our bank statements.

I feel so low and i'm worried that the black cloud is going to creep back over me again. I hate feeling this way, its on my mind all day everyday. I hate the person i am becoming. and i feel like i'm going back to how i was when i was at my lowest. He wont talk to me about it and starts a row if i bring it up.

I just feel so low and alone.
 
bulbie

bulbie

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Jul 21, 2010
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18,479
Location
Ayrshire
I would honestly leave until he can be a man and tell you the truth. Suggest a temporary split because you know he isn't telling you the truth.

Quite frankly, this is screaming at me cheat cheat cheat.
 
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aimee**

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Jul 6, 2010
Messages
157
Location
Surrey
Thanks Bulbie. I feel like i'm going mad. If it is true i dont want to let them drag me down to the way i was last year but its so hard.
 
bulbie

bulbie

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Tell me about it hon. This is one of the hardest things you'll ever cope with. So often in life our partners are the only ones to get so close to us. They've seen us at our best and our worst and often know things that even our closest family members do not.

You see the signs, you convince yourself oh but he wouldn't have said/done this if he didn't love me, you keep seeing the signs, they come through bolder and brighter than ever, that's when you start to think I'm going mad, I must be, you may even think he hasn't even given me any reason to think he's cheating. Can you tell I've been there so many times before?

I think the best thing you can do for now, since he is steadfastly refusing to talk about it (which pretty much shows something has gone on in itself, using your illness as an excuse is just wrong) is say you're walking away for now, and if he can be the man you think he is, and come back to you and tell you the truth (and you will know if it's the truth if you listen to your gut) then you will come back. In my experience men fuck about like this when they're so sure their wives or girlfriends will never go anywhwere with anyone, no matter what they're put through. So if he's faced with the threat of not having his fall back girl anymore (you - sorry, I mean nothing derogatory with that) it may well jolt him into talking.

You've got to love and respect yourself before you can love anyone else and though this is the hardest course of action, it is ultimately the healthiest choice for you. I don't believe in sticking by your man no matter what when it is so patently obvious he would not do the same for you. Love and marriage is a two way street for me. And believe me, I have seen both sides of the fence. I'm here for a good while more if you want to keep talking. :hug:
 
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aimee**

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Jul 6, 2010
Messages
157
Location
Surrey
Its so nice to be able to talk to someone. I have no one to talk to...atall!! I keep thinking, he would never do that to me. Thats would never happen to me. But i always think its best to go with your gut. Today is supposed to be our 3 year annivesary (we're not married, just when we first became a couple) and i keep thinking why bother celebrating if hes been cheating as its obviously meant nothing. We used to go to bed and sit talking for hours, he'd always kiss me goodnight.....now i cant remember the last time he did. He works at 5.30 am which has always been hard as i have to get up on my own and then when i come in at 6 hes tired but we've always tried to make the most of our time. I just keep thinking back and thinking was he with her then or there, if that makes sence. I'm just so lost.
 
bulbie

bulbie

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Joined
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Messages
18,479
Location
Ayrshire
I split with a guy in February. He was a trombone player. He tried to teach me brass all the way through our relationship, and i genuinely started to get into it. Anyway, the long and short of it is he bought his own trombone some years back, still paying it off to this day, and they ain't cheap. He used to be so protective of it, so defensive, yet he would lend it to me regularly, a newbie. I used to think that naah he can't be cheating on me, he's left me with Betsy and he loves that trombone almost as much as me. Seems so stupid now... but yeah I used to think if I had Betsy that meant he loved me and was faithful, simply because one day he implanted into my head if I didn't love you honey would I leave you with Betsy? No I wouldn't. Right from the get go, the day I first started talking to him my gut was screaming at me there was something so off about this guy, something so not right. But I ignored my gut because he was cute and we seemed to have a lot in common.

Truth of the matter was he had been cheating on me the whole way through the relationship. From day dot. That is why I never saw the signs until that night my gut feeling was far too strong to ignore and I logged into his email (he gave me his password months beforehand and was forever telling me if I ever felt I needed reassurance, I could log on and read his email). I never saw the signs because it was normal for him to be cheating. In fact he's never had a relationship where he hasn't cheated. He cheated on the girl he had at high school, though he blamed their split on just two kids drifting apart in life though I'm willing to bet she found out, just as I did, and dumped the fuck right outta him. He cheated on the girl after her, he cheated on me (with three others) and is now with a girl with model good looks, one of the girls he cheated on to be with me and one he cheated on me with. And she thinks she is the cat that's got the cream as she's got a successful good looking man, despite the fact she knows what he is like as I made him tell her. Makes you sick, doesn't it? That some people find betrayal so easy and natural.

I think you're right not to celebrate your anniversary, even though you may feel you should (I know when my anniversary with James the cheat came round a month after we split I really wanted to). If you did, it's pretty much sending the signal that it's not really that big a deal to you that you've at least partially swept it under the carpet and that you're not going anywhere.

The change in your relationship is quite clear. You don't talk the way you used to, I can pretty much guarantee the sex has changed in some way, if it's even still happening, you don't feel as close anymore, he's not going out of his way to make time for you or the relationship anymore (but he is for some other girl?). So whether he has cheated or not is almost irrelevant, as something is quite obviously very wrong in your relationship. Hence, I suggested the temporary split. It makes no sense to stay in a relationship you're not happy in. The split will allow you to re-eveluate what you need and want, as well as him.
 
tattedmommy

tattedmommy

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Aug 10, 2011
Messages
42
Location
North Carolina
I've had an affair and those are all signs of one. I did those same things. I don't like adding to rumor or accusations but I must say some of those signs are inappropriate behaviors. Not that its okay but some behaviors of mental illness when sick can damage a relationship. This can cause an affair on either side. Again, I'm not defending him, just giving some insight and a reason, maybe that was his way of coping.

If you want to make it work I say get marriage counseling. Maybe he'll feel safe in that setting to open up about it. You need to find out if he wants to make it work because he'll need to be on board. Unfortunately, the only way to make a relationship work after affair is, he'll have to stop talking to the other girl. That will be hard if she's in your circle of friends. Let's face it however, if she did this to you she's not a friend.

I look at affairs as a symptom of marital problems that need treatment. An affair doesn't mean he loves the other girl or that its over. Good luck!
 
bulbie

bulbie

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Jul 21, 2010
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Ayrshire
I agree that relationships can overcome infidelity but what I don't get is that the cheating friend is obviously not a friend if she can steal Aimee's boyfriend, but Aimee's boyfriend is still a friend and a boyfriend even though he cheated right back?

Mental illness is no more or less of an excuse for causing unrest in a relationship than anything else. And we can ALL make a choice to cheat, or not to cheat. End of the day though, the choices made should be a lesson learned. I too cheated many many moons back. I chose to cheat when my relationship was going wrong. And I learned that was the worst move I ever could have made. I'm still too disgusted by it even now.
 
A

aimee**

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Jul 6, 2010
Messages
157
Location
Surrey
I do appreciate all your opinions. I would understand if he had just done it the once but i think this went on for weeks, so if it was that my illness made him feel 'unloved' then why keep going to her if he really loved me. he doesnt talk to her anymore i made sure of that.
 
bulbie

bulbie

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The way I see it, he's not thinking of how much he loves and adores you when he is lying in bed pleasing her.
 
bulbie

bulbie

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Location
Ayrshire
It's always hard to see the truth when you love someone this much, trust me, I know. But honestly, I'm with you when you say if it was a one night stand it could be forgivable, but a prolonged affair is a different kettle of fish altogether. That shows he's capable of lying to you for long periods of time. Not only was it a prolonged affair, which is bad enough, it was with a good friend of yours, and that is a line no one should ever cross, whether the couple are still together or not. So you have double betrayal to deal with.
 
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