Advise on depressed ex GF

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confused19

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OK so bit of background so this makes sense. My ex moved from a big city to a smaller town (my town) for work 2 years ago. She was 90 miles from any family or friends and came into a workplace of mostly middle aged men so we became good pals early on. From there we ended up seeing each other and going out (Sept 2017). We both totally loved each other and had an almost perfect relationship, except for a fairly sudden and drastic loss of sex drive from her (Jan 2018) which caused various arguments and led to me generally not being as loving as I was (I still loved her as much, just felt stupid showing it if that makes sense).

She sometimes got anxious etc but tried to hide it mostly. I had encouraged her to see a doctor but it took to August before she finally did. She was told she had depression and anxiety. She had obviously been struggling for a while but from there everything just seemed to collapse and she sort of folded into herself. She lost interest in simple things she would normally love like walking the dog or going out for dinner. She barely wanted to see me. She struggled through work acting her usual cheery and pleasant self then would come home and just want to be alone and sleep. It was hard as I didn’t really understand. I tried to read up a bit which helped but I felt pretty helpless and also felt like she had lost interest in me. Sadly I have to admit we still argued about sex. I was frustrated and because it had been an issue for so long before we even considered depression, I didn’t see them as linked. I’m ashamed now that I didn’t just realise that and tell her sex was irrelevant until she was better. This was our main issue but overall I felt like she didn’t really like me as much – I was off work ill one week and she didn’t want to visit me or even ask how I was. We split up that week (her decision). This was early November 2018.

I then spent 2 weeks chasing her and acting a bit stupid to be honest, putting pressure on her etc. Eventually I realised we were done so I stopped visiting her or texting her, just seen her at work sometimes. She continuously made a point of telling me how much better she felt and less stressed. I was obviously gutted as felt I had been the issue but overall I was happy to hear she was getting better and just wanted the best for her.

We didn’t talk over December and Xmas really which was a horrible time but in the new year back at work I seen her and asked her for a coffee. She said yes and when I visited her she was really upset, crying about missing me and liking me. I was a bit surprised as I thought she was better. We ended up meeting up a few times including a cinema date which was really nice. Then out of the blue she told me she couldn’t see me anymore. At first I kind of argued that and put pressure on her about it but then eventually I just let her be and decided to try and move on.

We barely spoke for a month although twice I bumped into her and she asked me over or out to walk the dog. Both times I was friendly but said no. After maybe a month or so she asked me a third time and I said yes. When I went over she was totally upset again like back in January, saying she misses me etc and wanting re-assurance I didn’t hate her . She also apologised for being so difficult and confusing and saying I handled her better than she could. To be honest I didn’t really agree so I just said don’t be silly and didn’t linger on it but I thought it was nice she said that.

So then we started meeting up a bit, going over for tea or walking the dog. But the more we done the more she seemed to lose interest. This time I knew to stay calm and just accept that I would have to make most the effort, it would be me asking her to do stuff and rarely her. Occasionally she would get really flaky by cancelling plans or saying she just wanted to be alone. She was always out with friends or doing stuff at weekends but seemed she couldn’t commit to a couple of hours with me. I didn’t want to stress her but naturally I would kind of ask what was going on. She would always get pretty worked up and stressed. I tried so hard and when I did ask I made sure I wasn’t doing it in a pressurised way at all, to be honest I just wanted her to be open with her thoughts. Just 2 or 3 weeks ago we actually went a nice long walk with the dog and then had pizza and had a lovely night. She wanted cuddled and got upset about us. I mentioned that she acts really weird or almost rude to me in work which she apologised for. A few nights later she had me over again although I had to ask. We meditated together, not really my scene but I thought it would be really nice to support her and maybe make her feel relaxed that I was willing to do it too. She works herself up a lot about how she feels and worries she is “weird”. I don’t think this at all but telling her that falls on deaf ears so I thought this might make her feel more comfortable and relaxed. I thought it was again a nice night.

Since then however she again got really flaky from nowhere. I see her at work and she basically ignored me. I was messaging her and it was hard trying to get any conversation. We agreed to go a walk but then she cancelled it. I ended up asking her again what she was thinking and stuff, she got a bit stressed and then ignored me. The following week I asked her if she fancied a cup of tea, she said maybe but then said no. I asked her if she had just lost interest in me again. I thought this was fair enough to ask but she got pretty stressed and angry. I asked her if she wanted to do anything that weekend but she said no and suggested we just stop talking. I saw her at work again this week and asked to talk to her on Monday which she agreed to grudgingly. It was kind of pointless because she was worked up before I even arrived and it didn’t matter what I had to say, she was just being pretty uptight throughout. She ended up getting upset so I tried to comfort her. I hate not knowing what to say or do, I try so hard and think 3 or 4 sentences ahead to say the right thing but I have no idea if it helps or is just annoying or patronising or makes things worse! I ended up telling her I love her which I’ve never done since we split up. She actually told me she loves me too which I was surprised at.

However she also told me how awful she still feels, she can’t go about basic daily tasks, she pretends to everyone she is fine which makes it worse and she physically hurts herself which really worries me.
I left but later followed up by asking her out a walk a couple of nights, she said no and we shouldn’t meet up which then led to talking about the situation. Then today I thought I’ll ask her one last time – it’s a nice day and she’s off work for a bit now so shouldn’t be as stressed. She again said no and basically we shouldn’t meet up.

I asked her if this was permanent or she just needed space. She was kind of confusing in answering but said she just wants to focus on herself. She said she wants to move back home. This was always the case but I think she is desperate now. When we went to the cinema in January she had job opportunities back home which I encouraged for her sake but she said she would be unsure as she didn’t want it to be over for definite and she would miss my face. I told her this was stupid and to just go for it, in the end the jobs came to nothing anyway. So when she mentioned moving home today I asked if she still felt the same as January or if I was no longer a factor in her decision. She gave confusing answers so I kind of repeated it but I wanted to be clear I was only asking to know where things stand and there was zero pressure and I didn’t want to be a factor in any way! She got very stressed and ended up telling me I was no longer a factor. I accepted this and thanked her for being honest. After that I suggested something I had thought, I asked if she had considered just resigning from work and moving back home. Obviously I would hate to lose her for good but she needs to get better and I thought not having work as well as being back where she belongs and with her mum for a bit might help her. She strangely seemed to get really angry at this idea and said to stop messaging her. I tried to explain as I thought she had maybe picked me up wrong but then she just blocked me.

So now I’m really not sure what to do. I worry about her especially as she is here herself. But am I just causing an issue by talking to her? I have no idea. I’ve read a lot online about how depressed people sabotage relationships and I do wonder if that has happened/happening. But I suppose overall I just want her to be better and back to herself. How do I help with this or am I best not trying to help? And for my own sake too I suppose, how do I get on with things? Part of me wants to tell her I love her and will be here for her no matter what but then I don’t think she even wants to hear that and I don’t want to promise that when I have no idea what the future holds.

I’d also like to point out that I mentioned the sex issue, we have never had sex since we split and I have never even remotely attempted to try sex or suggest anything, I understand that much better now and respect her and basically have no interest in having sex with her myself as I now appreciate how she feels about that.

Any advice at all appreciated!
 
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midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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I think all you can do is give her more space :hug:

if you want a relationship, it sounds like meeting someone new would be the way forward, this is just what I'm getting from your post :hug:
 
C

confused19

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I think all you can do is give her more space :hug:

if you want a relationship, it sounds like meeting someone new would be the way forward, this is just what I'm getting from your post :hug:
Yeah now she's blocked me and I have over a week of not seeing her at work I think it's best to just give her space and not contact her. I'm stuck in more than 2 minds about just leaving her to get on with it to wishing we were still together.
Realistically we couldn't be together just now and I don't really want that anyway but I would still like to be there for her and support her a bit.
I kind of hope once she's better she wants to give things a go but she's desperate to move home now and once that happens it's too late, which is a shame.

I also worry she's putting so much into thinking moving home will make her better, I'm not convinced it will and may even have the opposite effect when she realises she's still struggling. Hopefully I'm wrong though.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Yeah now she's blocked me and I have over a week of not seeing her at work I think it's best to just give her space and not contact her. I'm stuck in more than 2 minds about just leaving her to get on with it to wishing we were still together.
Realistically we couldn't be together just now and I don't really want that anyway but I would still like to be there for her and support her a bit.
I kind of hope once she's better she wants to give things a go but she's desperate to move home now and once that happens it's too late, which is a shame.

I also worry she's putting so much into thinking moving home will make her better, I'm not convinced it will and may even have the opposite effect when she realises she's still struggling. Hopefully I'm wrong though.
i think she needs to make her own mistakes, the best you can do is be there for her if she decides she wants to be back in your life, even if her moving back home is the wrong move for her she needs to learn that by herself :hug:
 
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ohheystarfire

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You’ve been really nice and understanding. She is very lucky to have you stick with here while she’s being confused back and forth. But you see her, she’s doing ok (I’m not saying fine nor good nor great) but ok.. and you should too..

I’m not encouraging you to just get it over with.. but mind that you need to save your own emotional resource to yourself :)

She is in a tough spot but if she manages, there’s a possibility things are gonna be great if not better again for you guys

I hope I make sense here

Thank you for staying by her side
 
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confused19

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You’ve been really nice and understanding. She is very lucky to have you stick with here while she’s being confused back and forth. But you see her, she’s doing ok (I’m not saying fine nor good nor great) but ok.. and you should too..

I’m not encouraging you to just get it over with.. but mind that you need to save your own emotional resource to yourself :)

She is in a tough spot but if she manages, there’s a possibility things are gonna be great if not better again for you guys

I hope I make sense here

Thank you for staying by her side
I don't think I've been that great, I obviously wasn't supportive enough in the first place for her to split up with me which now makes me feel terrible to think she just needed love and help and I couldn't always give her it. But in fairness I feel she expects me to read her mind sometimes and know exactly what do and that's just unrealistic.

I'm fine though, I was pretty devastated when we broke up and probably the worst I've ever felt for a few weeks but I got through that so I can handle anything that happens now!

Thanks for your comments :)
 
C

confused19

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i think she needs to make her own mistakes, the best you can do is be there for her if she decides she wants to be back in your life, even if her moving back home is the wrong move for her she needs to learn that by herself :hug:
It's not that it's the wrong move for her, she definitely needs to end up back home. I just worry she thinks that will automatically fix everything which it probably won't and knowing her, she'll then make herself feel worse because that hasn't worked if that makes sense?
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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It's not that it's the wrong move for her, she definitely needs to end up back home. I just worry she thinks that will automatically fix everything which it probably won't and knowing her, she'll then make herself feel worse because that hasn't worked if that makes sense?
yeah that makes sense :hug:
 

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