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Advice would be good

S

Starbright

Guest
I would seriously like some advice

Weeks and weeks ago I planned to go to a folk festival with a friend and we would be sharing her tent.

Now, with 3 days left before we go, she's suddenly rung me up and told me she wants me to buy a tent because she doesn't want to share.

I am now stressed. I have things to do this week and it didn't include going into town to buy a tent. Also I don't know if I want to fork out for one.

If I'd known about this when we planned the trip I might have decided differently.

I'm not in the best of moods because I feel I've been put on the spot to find the time to go to buy a tent when I have other important things to do and am being told to spend money.

Please, someone, tell me, am I being unreasonable? And what would you say to my friend? She was on the phone a long time. I couldn't get her off. In the end I just kept saying 'I will think about it' and finally she went. I was so close to getting really cross and saying something sharp to her, but I didn't want to do that because I couldn't work out if I was being unreasonable.
 
honeyquince

honeyquince

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Did you explain to her that you didn't have time this week to buy a tent or money to spend on one (sure you did, but it's a start!)?
 
S

Starbright

Guest
I did, but she kept saying there was plenty of time and that she'd seen one in Argos for £12 and I said that I would be stressed trying to find time to buy one and that I didn't want the cheapest one available because it probably wouldn't last very long or be very waterproof but she just kept on trying to persuade me. She just wouldn't accept what I told her but kept on, like a kid who hasn't been taught any better keeps on about sweets after he's been told no. It really got on my nerves.
 
honeyquince

honeyquince

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Sounds like she's done her homework... suggests premeditation which suggests that she's fairly determined to get her way (though it sounds like she's going about it in a really annoying way). The other way to look at it is that she's spent some time thinking about it and must therefore have a reason for the change in plans.

You could try ringing her one more time, maybe asking her for her reasons for the change then, if she still does not accept that you really can't get to buy a 'reasonable' tent then it's up to you to decide whether the folk festival is worth a trip into town and the expense of a tent. Sorry, but the decision will probably end up with you.
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

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Another solution?

Ask around other friends and see if someone has one they will lend you?
 
D

Dollit

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I don't think you're being unreasonable but your friend is being rude. I don't think a week is long enough to make a decision about a tent - it's a pretty long term money spend. I took longer than that to decide which sleeping bag to buy!
 
S

Starbright

Guest
It's 3 days really, because she told me tonight and we go Friday morning.

She said she sleeps better alone and becuase she's had trouble sleeping she wants to be able to get up and read if she wants to

I don't know why she couldn't have worked this out two months ago.

I have (apparently at the moment) a diagnosis of schizo-affective disorder and she has a diagnosis of hebephrenic schizophrenia. She is often pretty confused in her thinking and always does things at the last minute. I am not that confused in my thinking and I hate to do things at the last minute. So it's possible that the last minute thing is down to muddled thinking and also possible that it's her personality.

But she regularly irritates me and I think that I'm unreasonable about that because I don't think she can always help it. I do think that she has a tendency to be selfish and that gets under my skin but somehow she always seems to redeem herself in my eyes after I've thought that about her, it's interesting.

Anyway, basically, I've realised that first I have to ring the camp site and ask if they have another plot. If not, that decides for me. If they do, then I have to decide if I want to go to buy a tent. It'll have to be Wednesday. Then I'll book my slot at the camp site.

Earlier when I was really cross Ithought I was going to cancel on her but now I'm considering buying a tent.

Thanks for your input. The thing is that I grew up in a house where to show anger meant that you were blamed for the argument or problem, even if it was someone else's fault. I have problems working out when I'm being reasonable, and who is really to blame for my anger, hence this thread.

Maybe when I eventually get to the top of the psychotherapy list I will learn more about that.
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

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Annoying Friends

I know what you mean..... I have a friend who regularly annoys me, rubs me up the wrong way. Because like you and your friend - we are both very different. I am organised and dont like surprises or last minute things (like you); and she is disorganised and scatty, always late too.

Loving her and being her friend is sometimes hard, its tries my patience. I reflect on it. We need irritation in our lives to a degree, we grow and learn. I have learnt about her, I dont expect her to be on time now. I dont expect her to remember to lock a door. I know know I can rely on her unstinting love and support of me no matter how ill I am, or how crazy I get, or how pissed. She is there for me.

If the alarm goes off in the flat next door and I cant sleep and its driving me mad, she lends me the key to her house and I can go and make myself at home, get away from the noise. If my car broke down she would lend me hers.

She also is selfish, talks about herself and her problems all the time. Not a good listener. Very restless. But I know this of her, and I dont expect anything else. So I am rarely disappointed since I made myexpectations of her more realistic.

Practicing Unconditional Love is hard. Its a challenge. Loving someone as they are, not how you would want them to be is the greatest challenge. It makes us look at ourselves and our expectations, what do we superimpose on others?

I get really cross with her, well frustrated. But I bite my tongue knowing she truly is doing her best. She doesnt do anything to annoy me on purpose. She just is, herself. She cant help it.

Foregiveness is a big thing. Acceptance of others short-comings. When we can foregive others we are in a much better position to forgive ourselves, and not be too hard on ourselves too.

Hold her in the light. And yourself too.

cloudberry
 
S

Starbright

Guest
Wow thanks Cloudberry.

We have actually ended up having a row. I've been unable to sleep last night until about half four and really rubbish all day, tearful and unable to let it go. I drank too much coffee and didnt' eat. Eventually I left her a message on her landline (she was out). I said that I hated arguing, that we were probably going to have to agree to differ, that I would have come to folk night to show good will but I was exhausted and so wouldn't be going. I also said that I was now so stressed about the weekend that I had decided to stay at home and look after my mental health. After I left that message I felt I could let it go. I've been exhausted, hungry and tearful all evening too. I'm on here but will go to bed as soon as I feel sleepy. I have not answered the phone this evening as I simply can't cope with talking to her again today. She has left a mobile message to say something about wishing she didn't have a temper and hadn't lost it or something.

Cloudberry, I truly think that the way people get on is if they love each other rather than think only about themselves and try to understand rather than get pissed off. So what you say makes sense to me. The way you approach your friend sounds like how I approach mine. When we are not arguing (and we've only done it twice in 3 years of knowing each other) she might be last minute, disorganised, permanently skint and chaotic but she's also funny, fun, kind, understanding as well as having a selfish streak - but don't we all have one of those to an extent?

I just wish that when she pisses me off I could tell her in an assertive calm way and she would react in an assertive calm way. She doesn't. She finds everything she can think of to throw at me in retaliation and grills me about why I can't do/think what she wants me to. It's exhausting and does my nerves in.

I'm going to miss the folk weekend but it's more important to keep my mental health steady.

I hope next Tuesday night we can meet at folk night and be normal with each other.

Thanks for everyone's input. I really needed to talk about this so thanks.
 
W

worryworth

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Joined
Jul 27, 2008
Messages
45
I would seriously like some advice

Weeks and weeks ago I planned to go to a folk festival with a friend and we would be sharing her tent.

Now, with 3 days left before we go, she's suddenly rung me up and told me she wants me to buy a tent because she doesn't want to share.

I am now stressed. I have things to do this week and it didn't include going into town to buy a tent. Also I don't know if I want to fork out for one.

If I'd known about this when we planned the trip I might have decided differently.

I'm not in the best of moods because I feel I've been put on the spot to find the time to go to buy a tent when I have other important things to do and am being told to spend money.

Please, someone, tell me, am I being unreasonable? And what would you say to my friend? She was on the phone a long time. I couldn't get her off. In the end I just kept saying 'I will think about it' and finally she went. I was so close to getting really cross and saying something sharp to her, but I didn't want to do that because I couldn't work out if I was being unreasonable.
Did she give you any reason why she did not want to share a tent with you? I think is be ging inconsiderate, insensitive and rude. I wish you are in the same town with me I would have lend you mine.
 
S

Starbright

Guest
She's not sleeping very well and wants the freedom to get up and read in the night
 
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