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Advice with relationship

E

ella d

New member
Joined
Jun 7, 2021
Messages
2
Location
germany
Hello! Is my (possibly borderline) boyfriend splitting and is there anthing I can do? I have been with my bf for 9 months and in the beginning it was too good to be true (tbh I sometimes felt uncomfortable about the way he idealized me amd when I pointed out that I am just a normal human being and relationships and people never are 100% perfect, he got angry with me for the first time, blaming me that I want to destroy the 'perfect'). His anger got worse and worse, at least weekly. Always when I 'triggered' him - it took me a long time to figure out what these triggers are. They seem to be all related to behaviours he hates about his mother (who left him as a kid), mostly feeling controlled or criticized. I have to admit that I do tend to get controlling sometimes out of insecurity (jealous, want him to spend lots of time woth me and pay me attention and when he doesnt, I nag), so he does have a point. I also criticized his high alcohol and weed intake (he says he uses weed to selfmedicate) because I suspected it to be related to his outbursts. The problem though is that his anger outbursts are so out of proportion. He calls me the most horrible names, for hours, and nothing I do can stop this attack. When I try to withdraw in another room he continues bullying me. When I try to leave he blocks the door sometimes. He has pure hatred in his eyes and tells me I am the most horrible person and cause of all his misery. And worst of all, he has threatened to kill himself and told me it would be my fault if he did that. And then threatened me if I call the police he will suddenly act all normal and they will not believe me. Whenever he had these episodes I tried to stay calm as long as possible, assure him that I love him and his emotions will calm down again, and try to stay zen inside. But after a while I cant take it anymore and my reaction is then to kick him out of my appartment, which always caused huge drama. (and which he now uses as the justification for his outbursts, because I abuse him by having kicked him out so often). In the first few months he would immediately then switch to feeling extremely miserable and call me to comfort him. Which is difficult because I feel in need of an appology or some reconciliation and have actually nothing left to give him - it does not feel 'fair' in a sense. And then it would usually take days until we reconcile because my process is that I need to talk about what happened and that both take responsibility for their part and discuss what to do to prevent it from happening again, (I usually ask him to do therapy. I am i therapy since 2 years and find it very helpful). The problem though is that he is unable to talk about what happened. on day 1 after the incident he feels very miserable and kind of appologizes but never taks about his actual behaviour. But already on day two he gets totally defensive and he blames be for 'bashing' him when i point out his behavioir in hope for a conversation about it. He wants me to just forget and move on, but the things that happened are too extreme for me to be able to do that - esp. the suicide threats. and now my actual question: in the first few months he would still be in contact after the incidents and in his way approach me. But this got less and less, and by now he is always retreating and switching his phone off or not reading my messages for days (because he cannot handle my bashing he says). I have a bad habit of communocating by text when there is a crisis, I get too easily upset on the phone when he is all defensive about what happened, minimizing and downplaying it and refusing to talk it through - and then i hang up which upsets him even more. So here our ways absolutely clash.. I did break up a few times in the past after such an episode, but always missed him too much a day later already and tried to reconcile. he has now broken up the second time and I fear he means it. He wrote to me very 'absolute' things, blaming me that I have depression (because I always negatively bash him) and that we were absolutely never happy together (which is not true, the good times are absolutely amazing for both of us, but only last for a few days) and never will be. He told me how great he now feels after he has made this decision (although only two days before he told me I was the love of his life..). Can anyone make any sense of all of this? I do love him but I am not sure if there is still any hope.
 
M

mixedbag

Active member
Joined
Sep 23, 2013
Messages
42
Location
Somerset, UK
Narcissists threaten you with suicide regularly too when they can't get their own way. Did you base your thoughts of him being BPD off of the anger outbursts and suicidal threats? Did you know they're not unique to BPD?

Being borderline, I cannot get my head around someone not wanting to go over every detail fifty thousand times. That's completely alien to me. The tiniest of upsets create a whole storyline and narrative in my head of who did what and when and what it all means. I can believe he struggles with the apologizing part (who doesn't?) but not needing to explain and not needing to be understood? Nah.. doesn't fit.

It sounds more like to me you are being bullied by someone who has no desire to change. Yet borderlines fear so much being hated by people that they are willing to bend over backwards to please others. We bend over so far, whilst making out it's nothing and all this is normal to us, that we end up in situations where we feel walked over and then we snap. Bit different set-up to the mood swings you've described here.

I think your boyfriend has attachment disorder and narcissistic survival techniques. Have a read in those directions you might find things become more clear.
 
E

ella d

New member
Joined
Jun 7, 2021
Messages
2
Location
germany
Thanks a lot for your reply! Actually his current psychiatrist said he might be borderline - he was diagnosed as bipolar in his teens, also hospitalized a few times, but this didnt sit right with him nor his current psychiatrist. But yes what you describe does not sound like him - analyzi g and wanting to go over the situation.. Re rather always says it is too painful for him and he has learned his lesson and it won't happen again etc. On the other hand he does claim that he always bends over backwsrds for his oartners and family by never voicing his needs, and then snapoing when feels lile a pushover. I will have a look in the direction you pointed me at. Thanks again!
 
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