Hello slow jo.
I'm sitting here trying to think of what I can say that might help you. The difficulty is, I'm not there. I can' see what you see. I can't feel what you feel. I have no way of knowing if "he" is really outside your home watching you or if you only fear that "he" is.
Since I don't know what else to do, I am going to tell you a story...
This is a story about a woman who was married and somewhere, the marriage went bad. Her husband was having an affair and rather than get a divorce and lose half his net worth he decided to invest a couple thousand dollars in hiring a hit man to kill his wife. Not a very nice husband.
So there she was, alone in the house one day, and this hit man showed up. He was bigger than her, he had a gun and he had the element of surprise on his side. It would seem that the odds were very much against her but by the time everything was over and done with, she had wrestled the gun away from him and then she strangled him, to death,
with her bare hands. Ha! I'll bet neither the hitman nor her husband saw that coming!
My point in telling you that story is not so you'll go strangle someone, rather, it's to point out that even though the odds were not in her favor, she took action to protect herself.
Many people, when they have a history of abuse have lost touch with this innate ability to be their own protecter. Sometimes, especially if they were very young when the abuse happened, they are unconsciously waiting for a rescuer to come along and save them and it's this
unconscious desire to be rescued that prevents them from acting on their own behalf. But there is a part of them, hidden away inside that
knows how to fight; that
knows how to get angry; that
knows how to use the emotional energy of fear to their benefit. This is the part they need to reconnect with in order to move past the fear of being traumatized again and to heal from the trauma of having been abused in the first place.
Which brings us back to the possible realities of your current situation...
Possibility #1: He really
is still alive and outside of your home, watching and waiting for you to emerge.
Possibility #2: He really
isn't still alive and outside of your home but your fear of him is still so strong, it
feels like he is.
Since neither you or I know which possibility is accurate I suggest you think about both of them and make a list of the things you could do in either case that would keep you safe and protected. Remember that somewhere within you is that part of you that wants to protect and help you; you don't have to go it alone. Even calling the police for help or the woman you spoke to before are ways of helping yourself because
you're the one who makes the phone call. Therefore, you're the one who is taking the necessary steps to keep yourself safe. And truthfully, you know you can do that. You already did it the other day -- you called that woman and things went okay. It's you making these posts. You're helping yourself and "he" can't stop you from doing so.
When we take action to keep ourselves safe, we take back our own power -- power that was stolen from us and rightfully belongs in our hands. The more capable we are of acting in our own defense, the weaker our opponent becomes. This is how you dismantle a giant called FEAR and bring it down to size.
.