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advice please

L

longside

Member
Joined
Jan 13, 2015
Messages
7
I have a friend with EUPD and depression, im in the early stages of learning about it but just want to know how a person is supposed to act around people with the above mentioned disorders, im not being ignorant on the matter, I just want to learn as much as I can so I can support her asap, she is having a really bad time of late with it all and I just want to be there and know how to be when im around her,

along with the above she also suffers really bad night terrors, I dont really know where to fully start with whats going on here, I could start a new thread explaining it all but where do I go to post it ? its a really long story with whats happened in the past 2 years, I need to get my story out there and hopefully be pointed to the things ive done wrong and what to do to start making things better for her.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Aug 17, 2012
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13,531
Location
The West Country
I hope you don't think this is a cop-out, but I would just act naturally and as you normally do.
You can tell your friend that you're there if she needs support and maybe you could even have a conversation with her as to what she feels would be helpful?

I just think people are so different in what they find helpful (some people like to be left alone, some like close support, some find that too much etc.) that I wouldn't want to say to act any certain way in case it's not what your friend needs.

As for the sleeping thing, we used to have a board for sleep matters but it's been merged into the "Wellbeing" section.
Don't worry to much if it's not in the right section - a moderator can always move it. And moving it doesn't mean you'll lose any replies you get, so don't worry about that either.
 
coldwater00

coldwater00

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Jun 19, 2013
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3,372
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Yorkshire
It's nice you want to support your friend, but really the worst thing that you can do is go out of your way to understand. Somerset gave good advice, just act naturally. People need to feel wanted rather than just "useful" when they're depressed, so making people feel like they are needed and including them, thinking about them, doing something kind and/or spontaneous for them - it's really valuable.

The worst thing I've found with friends that try to help (and with good intentions that don't really work out right) is they try to get you to "seek help", talk down to you, panic, or act wary. I know these things are natural to a certain extent, but unless it's a dire emergency, try to respect their privacy and be compassionate towards them. Likelihood is they value you as a friend and not a de facto mental health professional, so the best thing to do is behave in a way that feels natural for you, and in a way that they're used to you being.

I once texted a friend when I was really depressed and she completely panicked. I ended up with the 2 stroppiest paramedics on the doorstep and the police ringing my mobile - it really wasn't the best way to react. Be calm :)
 
L

longside

Member
Joined
Jan 13, 2015
Messages
7
hi there thanks for the advice scorpio,

I hope you don't think this is a cop-out, but I would just act naturally and as you normally do.
You can tell your friend that you're there if she needs support and maybe you could even have a conversation with her as to what she feels would be helpful?
i've tried this bit but she says im to laid back and un-helpful, when I try to sit her down to talk about it her response is the same 95% of the time "I've told you a million times, I'm not telling you again, you should know all this already" even though I know as much that talking about it helps no matter how many times as it kind of reminds them about their illness and that with me sitting there talking about it again means I care for her wellbeing and want to help, plus the more we talk about what part of her illness is present, the more I learn about it I've tried being myself with her but it is nearly the same as above and that im "too lackadaisical" or I don't care about her, she keeps saying she doesn't want me around her yet when I go away I end up going back to hers to help out and take care of her, even though I work 4 days a week totalling 36 hours and I live about 15 miles away from her, plus I don't drive, I end up staying awake with her as she cant sleep sometimes just to make sure she's ok even after a busy 9h long day at work (I work in a very busy restaurant) even if I leave work and go home and I realise she needs me im straight back over to help her, she also says I stress her out with how little I know about her condition even going as far to say I'm never going to learn as she thinks I don't have the capacity to care for her, oh I should add to this that she was in a very very abusive relationship over 4 years ago, her ex used to really go to town on her, locking her in her room, stalking her all the time even breaking into her home and hiding under her bed, she has even said quite a lot to me that she struggles with trusting men due to what he was like, and regrettably just over a year ago while I was round at hers she was angry and frustrated we ended up arguing she pushed me a few times and I pushed her back, but the push I gave she lost her balance and fell over the chair, I instantly went to see if she was ok, luckily she was and ever since then I have nightmares about it even just after it happened I wanted to self harm as a way of releasing the pain I felt for what I did, that was the 1st and last time ive ever done anything like that, and I know if I ever EVER did anything like that again I'd probably kill myself, when we sat down and talked about it I realised I wasn't myself for a good 2 months, it was like I was a completely different person, it happened twice did the different person feeling, that was the 1st time and the 2nd was last summer during the world cup, for some unknown reason I decided to end what we had for good, she even got to the point of begging for me not to leave her but during the 5 week period it lasted it was like the love I had for her just disappeared, its strange because 2 week after I ended it with her all my feelings came flooding back and I just broke down on my knees crying saying over and over "what the *beep* have I done, I love her why the *beep* did I do that to her," in the time during the "end" I never got with anyone or hooked up with anyone, I just went to work or sat at home on my computer watching movies or playing poker, we did get talking again and started with the relationship again, but yeah I do not condone myself in those 2 periods and the actions I did, I vowed to myself that I am and will seek help and info on my own condition, which I have done, those events might be related to the ADD I had as a child I don't know but what I do know is that I wont allow myself to get that bad again...
I have loads more I can say about the time ive been with her, just don't have much time to post it at the moment...

i'll have a look in that section you suggested and see if I can find anything that can help her.


hi coldwater,
It's nice you want to support your friend, but really the worst thing that you can do is go out of your way to understand. Somerset gave good advice, just act naturally. People need to feel wanted rather than just "useful" when they're depressed, so making people feel like they are needed and including them, thinking about them, doing something kind and/or spontaneous for them - it's really valuable.
I do want to support her whole-heartedly and it may seem like im going out of my way to help but truly is not the case, I want to help her and I feel the need to help her, my love for this lady compels me to try my hardest, that is why I came here to get the much needed help and advice I deeply need..
 
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