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Advice Please you lovely lot :)

P

PWDirect

New member
Joined
Apr 18, 2014
Messages
4
Hi there guys and dolls..

Need some advice.. not about me but my wife. I will go through the story with facts and not skip anything out.

When I first met my wife 15 years ago, she was the woman of my dreams. Everything I ever wanted.

She quickly fell in love and we shared everything together.

She told me about her father and mother. Her mother just upped and left for no apparent reason when my wife was 2.

That left her dad to bring her and her brother up.

Now my wife has told me that during her childhood, her father hit her, massively favored her brother over her (which continues to this day), he step mum didn't really care too much for my wife or her brother and even put labels on food that were in the fridge with her own childrens names on. Besides always craving her fathers attention which he ignored, in her early teens she self harmed and has scars on her arm.

Fast forward quite a few years and we have married. There have been many times that my wife has come home and cried for ages on my shoulder because her father was busy with her brother and pretty much ignored her. She said many times that she felt closer to my parents than she did her own father but of course, he was her father so she kept trying and trying and trying. Getting broken promise after promise and being ignored. It wasn't always like this. They did sometimes click.

Her fathers step daughter moved to Wales which is 230 miles from us and he still went to see them more than us and we are 10 miles away. He was missing out on his 2 grand children. I personally was at a bit of a stand off with him as it used to annoy me that he would travel to Wales more than to come and see us and I think he knew this so he stayed away more. Bit of a catch 22.

Anyway, added to this, although we have 2 amazing girls, we have also suffered 6 miscarriages.

The first was before our first child was born. The second and third were before our youngest was born then the last 3 were after.

The last 2 were very stressful. The 5th miscarriage was in October 2012 and she was 3 months pregnant. Had the scan only to be told it had died at 10 weeks. My wife chose to pass it at home and one night she did. She informed me that when it came out, she sat there with it in her hands for a while before getting rid.

We then tried in August last year and at the beginning of September, we found out she was pregnant again. I did say that if we unfortunately lose this one, that will be it for me. I was heading towards my 42nd birthday and it was damn painful for me. I will never have any idea of how a woman feels about it. Must be so much worse and she had often said that why is this happening? what am I doing wrong? Why is my body rejecting them?

Unfortunately in October we again suffered our 6th miscarriage. It was horrible. My wife is a very maternal person and she was again devastated.

There was one night about 3 weeks after and the bleeding had about stopped.. We had an argument about something I can't remember and she provoked me with something and I shouted at her 'Just go on the pill and stay on it'. At the moment she got up, said she couldn't bare to be near me and went for a drive.

Again, I know this was wrong but we all say wrong things in an argument..I actually thought that was a good idea as we would then stop arguing. She was out for a couple of hours and as it was quite late, I fell asleep on the sofa.

Next day and for the following couple of weeks, I so wanted to put an arm around her and see how she was but she was seeming absolutely fine. It was constantly on my mind but I was worried that it would start another argument. She then massively got into exercise. She has always enjoyed running but she got into the insanity, T25 and running etc. She wanted a dog... something massive changed in her from that October.

On February 10th this year, I returned from work and my wife said that she wants a separation. He reasons were that she did not love me any more because:

I apparently did not tidy up as much as her (I did)
I didn't go and see her folks as much as her (this one is true)
I was on the computer a lot (I have a desktop so im in a corner, she has a laptop so can sit on the sofa)
I didn't take the kids out as much as her (complete rubbish)

Since then, there have been a lot of arguments. We were trying to live together but it was hard. I could not understand it and she even admitted herself that something in her mind changed massively after that night in October.

She has been very angry, stressful, anxiety has played a part. She felt and even told her solicitor I was being aggressive (never raised a hand in my life), blocked and deleted me on Facebook and Twitter.

In mid March, she told me she was moving out and said it was 'not her problem' when I asked how the hell I was going to pay for the house on my own. I went to my mum and dads for 30 minutes and came back to see that she had just upped and left with the children.

The police confirmed that she and the kids were safe and well but I thought I would try and find out where she was so I looked on a forum she used to go on and saw that all my life and relationship issues were all on there with her exaggerating the truth and she was being backed up by her e-friends calling me all the names possible and backing her up in her decision..

She came round the next day to get some stuff and she barged in with her dad and her dad assaulted myself and my mum. I didn't react to that coz of the kids. She has tried to stop me seeing the kids and also telling our mutual friends what I'm apparently like and they all avoid me now. Shes a mobile hairdresser.

The last week or so we have been getting on better. Although I myself are still having up and down days emotionally and I spilled them out to her on text. Nothing horrible but just my emotions and I text back saying I am being unfriendly and she is deleting me again from Facebook. (she had only added me again last night) My world has fallen apart and I myself went to see the doctor and he wanted to sign me off work and I refused then he said he wanted to see me again in 2 weeks and may consider pills. I will refuse the pills. My auntie is addicted to these unfortunately.

So, baring in mind her childhood then the miscarriages, what do you guys think? She is trying to get herself away from me as far as possible. We had 15 years together and I just feel that I don't exist to her any more apart from being the father to our kiddies.

I see the kids for 3 and 4 days a week which is good and I always said I would share any tax credits with her I get. She got awarded all of them and is refusing to share any with me so I'm £400 short each month...

I am currently setting up a business with a friend and that will be launched in the next week or so. I am doing that for a better future for my family (original reasons), we would have more time together, no more financial woes - life would be great. 1 week before she dropped the bombshell she even said if the business takes off, we can get that dog and I would love a 4 x 4. I said of course. Im doing it for us all to enjoy.

I actually think she is suffering from PTSD. She now has the full attention of her father that she has crazed for but all the other things that have happened in her life I think has built up then it just exploded in her mind that October.

I am at a complete loss and I have such a void left in my life, I honestly feel like there has been a death. Ive lost 3 stone in 6 weeks, not sleeping or anything...

I want to inform her coz I have read that most people who suffer with this sort of thing are unaware but I have no idea how to go about it so any ideas there would also be great. She has been very irrational and illogical.

Any ideas? or if not PTSD what else?

Thanks for reading and I appreciate any feedback.
 
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Rose19602

Former member
We can't diagnose your wife or anyone else, but I do sympathise with your wife's change in attitude after the argument over the miscarriages.

Labelling this isn't useful, it's probably better to realise that someone who struggled in childhood and who didn't feel cared about / loved, is very likely to be sensitive to any behaviour / comments that imply that you are not there for her either.

I get that it was an argument, I understand that you said things you regret ...... but maybe she struggles to forgive and took this to heart. It sounds like it. She's used to bad things happening and people failing her....maybe she expected you to be the same, and this incident provided proof.

It's all very sad, and I feel for you both ... and the children. Both of you perhaps need to realise that her reaction is "normal" for her situation....to lose babies and then feel criticised by your husband is tough. Apologise and offer to help her talk through her feelings about the babies and about losing you too (go easy on that last one) and acknowledge the sadness that all of this must have caused. It must have been very traumatic for her - so many losses, including the man she trusted.

A good therapist would be a great start for her if she wants to talk about it....but don't imply that there's anything wrong with her. She probably blames herself enough already. Give her understanding and support and be there for her. I think I would probably react the same way in her shoes....but I hope she can forgive.

I hope she lets you back in.
x
 
P

PWDirect

New member
Joined
Apr 18, 2014
Messages
4
Hi there and thanks for taking the time to reply.

I have always been there for my wife. I have always supported her in every way I can and through the devastation of losing the babies we were always there. I wish I could think of what she said to provoke me to say what I did to her.

Thing is she is very quick to run to her friends and blame me for a, b and c yet never ever spoke to me about it when we have had (I thought) an open relationship that we could say what is on our minds.

I have apologized so many times for what I said. So many times but she just wants to block me out.

I think you are right that she is used to people failing her and from that night saw it from me... that's a very interesting side to look at it..
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,529
Location
The West Country
I think it can be very upsetting when there's a breakdown of communication.
It's particularly difficult for the one being cut out of the other person's life. If you're wanting to talk to someone but they're choosing not to talk to you, it's can be quite emotionally devastating.
From what I gather, she's just finding it too painful to be with you. By moving out/ending the relationship, it's easier for her to avoid confronting all of the trauma around the miscarriages.
She was obviously sensitive and took your comment (about the pill) to heart, as MissKitty said.

I suppose reading your thread, it strikes me that this is still quite an unpredictable situation. It sounds like she's not really clear in what she wants or whether the relationship is truly over. It sounds too like she's a bit "rabbit stuck in the headlights" with it all and so might not be making totally rational, thought out decisions.

My advice really is to look after yourself. I doubt that's what you've come on here to hear. But I think it's too early for you to know where you really stand or get any kind of conclusion. And you must make sure that you're ok, taking care of yourself (eating something!) is really important.
I don't mean for that to sound selfish, you obviously care a lot about her. But other than making your feelings towards her clear and letting her know that you're there if she needs you (that is, presuming that's how you feel) then there isn't much else you can do. As much as we want to help heal others, there comes a point where the rest is up to that other person to help themselves.

By all means look around and get information on PTSD. But just go careful in what you say to her, don't sort of diagnose her with it and say "Here's what's wrong with you" because that could very easily backfire.
I know that's common sense, but it's easy to get carried away when you have a 'light-bulb moment. ' x
 
P

PWDirect

New member
Joined
Apr 18, 2014
Messages
4
Hi there and thanks for the feedback. (love Somerset btw)

The thing I get is that as far as she is concerned, it is over. She has always maintained that you can never say never but I have offered to help, give her advice about living alone etc. She has disbelieved me about so many things then found out that I am telling the truth and come back but never said sorry.

We have mediation booked for a week on Tuesday to sort out the Children, finances and speak about the house. I will do all I can to keep the house as this is what the children call home. The finances she is doing me on and we need to discuss that and re: children I am after Wednesday evening to make our care 100% equal. We do have joint residency afterall.

I would never sit her down and say oh yeah, I think you have PTSD. I need to wait until all the things that we have hanging over us are settled and we are talking again and then I need to work out a way of her opening up to me about all her thoughts.

I love her very much. She is my ideal woman. I used to be her ideal man but she just lost it back in October. This is also when she says she thinks she fell out of love with me so it seems too much of a coincident to me. I may be 100% wrong and she is thinking with a clear mind but she is just very irrational which she has never been before. She has always been strong minded but very kind and happy.
 
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