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advice needed

S

sourbubblegum1

Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
5
i had been living with ym boyfriend for 2 years and i love him very much, i would do anything for him.

he left the country now and a month ago i found out he is actually married with 2 kids. i guess it was easy for him to make up a new life here.

he says he loves me and wants to be with me. He emails me alot and calls me sends me money and gifts. I want to be with him but he is living in a country far away from my home and he is my only person i can rely on.

he cant get a divorce because of his two kids and the culture. he wants me to come back with him and i really wanna be with him but im worried about what i can do? This would be a big change for me. i dont know how i can be with him unless he gets a divorce.

he did lie to me and said that he was talking on the phone and buying stuff for his neice and nephew when he was for his kids. i do think he cares about me but im having a problem with trust now and the idea of moving to another country to be with the person i love. this seems complicated. im dealing with a serious mental condition and he didnt want to make it worse by me knowing what was going on.

he is coming back to spend a month with me in 6 months and i will have to wait to see him until then before i possibly go to his country. can anyone advice me on if this is a good idea and what i can do to make things work for us when he is already married.
 
Lozzi_1004

Lozzi_1004

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 28, 2008
Messages
1,850
Location
Yorkshire, UK
Personally I don't think this guy will ever get a divorce or be with you. You said it yourself, it was easy enough for him to lie and make a complete new life for himself while in this country!
To me it seems this guy just wants to have his cake and eat it, by keeping you sweet when he's away but then he can go back to his wife where he lives and have the family life.

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear but this is usually the case when married people have affairs.

:flowers:
 
Wynn

Wynn

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2008
Messages
63
Lying to someone ALWAYS makes relationships worse rather than better, and is no way to treat someone if you really love them. You deserve more respect than that.

It will be hard, but if you let him go ,you give yourself the best chance of meeting someone who really cares about you!
 
spiritual_emergency

spiritual_emergency

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Joined
Oct 15, 2008
Messages
186
sourbubblegum: can anyone advice me on if this is a good idea and what i can do to make things work for us when he is already married.

If you make a commitment to this man, you will never, ever trust him. He already made a commitment to his current wife and children and he broke it. I guarantee, if you do the same, soon enough, some other girl will catch his eye and he'll lie to you (and her) so he can get what he wants. Meantime, there you'll be, doubting him every time he comes in late from work, or goes out with friends, or takes too long picking up milk from the corner store.

He's already demonstrated he's not to be trusted. He lied to his wife; he lied to his children (he'll lie to yours too if you give him the chance to father any); he probably lied to his family and friends while all this was going on, and he lied to you -- for two years! You cannot trust him. That's the lesson. You can learn it now or you can learn it later. No matter what, it's going to hurt but it's going to hurt less in your own country, with your family and friends around to offer support and solace than it will in his country, where you have no one but him to rely on.

This man is a one way ticket to crazy. I suggest you leave the station without getting on the train. There are better men out there and you have better things you can do with your life.


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S

sourbubblegum1

Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
5
i dont know you guys for 2 years i known him he was so nice to me. i feel so sad and i miss him so much. i cant imagine my life without him in it. im suffering so much here especially with memories of him. everytime i go around campus i always went to his apartment by accident instead of mine since i lived there, i walk by the turtle pond and think of him catching a turtle for me, i walk by the pool and remember him dropping me off to swim and pick me up, i remember every detail and i feel so devastated.

its been a few months since he has been gone and the more time passes the more i miss him. i dont know i seem to wish i had what i had that never existed. i wish that he was here to make me laugh again and smile and to say i will be fine. we still talk and he says he wants to be with me. i dont want to believe he is this type of person. i still love him. and he made me to promise i will never leave him as his friend if things dont work out for us. and he said if i really want to be with him i can move there to his country but we couldnt get married but he can see me every day and find me a good job and be there for me.

i feel very sad. :(
 
spiritual_emergency

spiritual_emergency

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 15, 2008
Messages
186
I'm sorry that you feel so sad, sourbubblegum. It hurts to find out you've been lied to and betrayed; it hurts to find out you've been set aside; it hurts to realize someone doesn't love you the way you love them; it hurts to lose someone you love.

You're grieving. It's hard to do and it hurts until one day, it doesn't hurt anymore. You can't see that day from where you are right now, but it's out there.


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R

rwitty

Member
Joined
Nov 10, 2008
Messages
18
Location
shipley, west yorkshire
it sounds like you really like this guy and are really conflicted right now.

the one thing i can say with absolute certainty is that he wants his cake and to eat it too. if he can have you and still be married then what reason does he have to make a decision on what he actually wants?

Children and culture are usually an excuse for not leaving a partner. if he wanted to be with you and only you then he would find a way.

personally, i wouldn't move to a new country for a guy that won't actually be with you - i'm guessing he's in the same country as his family so would spend the majority of his time with them.

you deserve someone who loves you and only you.
 
ame

ame

Member
Joined
Dec 10, 2008
Messages
23
I was in a kinda similar situation and I let it go on because of how worthless I felt about myself. I craved any attention this guy gave me and I was always making excuses for him when my friends would go on about how he treated me. He was always off seeing this other woman who he couldn't leave for one reason or another even though he "really wanted to be with me" and I believed him and let him walk all over me (whilst stuffing his face with his proverbial cake). I thought I didn't deserve any better and would never find anyone better anyway. Then I found my fiance. Even if you're as crazy as I am, there is some one way better for you out there than this geezer. :redface:
 
S

saffron

Guest
the whole relationshuip is based on a lie, you found out about his real life and that is not going to change whether you go over there or not, just means you will be even more easy to manipulate because you are in a strange place and will be relying on him for support, given that he can tell you anything. My daughters dad lied through his teeth and said his other daughter was his sister and that I was his hairdresser calling, by the way he had a constantly cropped hair cut. When I hhad the desency in telling his 'wife' what he was he then came and tried to bash my head in.
the man you think is there is actually playing you babe cos he wants to have his cake and eat it. It is not anything you have done apart from having faith and trust, the problem is his, in that he is not a trustworthy human being and he will be doing this over and over again so dont take it personally. Be strong, demand your wishes or dump him and move onc. dont put yourself in danger.
merry xmas
S
 
P

Prawny

Member
Joined
Dec 17, 2008
Messages
15
Location
Scotland
I know how hard it can be to hear, and how hard it is to see the negative when you are in the situation yourself, but I'm afraid I agree with the others. This man lied to you for 2 years...and about something that is completely huge. That his children could mean so little to him that he would lie about their relationship to him (niece and nephew I believe you said?), that's not a good sign...and claiming you can still be with him while he is with his wife? That's not a decent guy. But you can bet he thinks he one of the luckiest guys in the world, that he can have his wife and family, and have a girlfriend at the same time. This doesn't seem fair on you, you deserve someone who will want you and only you, who will put you before everyone else, and treat you right. This is a very late reply, so hopefully things are going ok...take care :)
 
jdoe123

jdoe123

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 16, 2008
Messages
150
Location
United States
Agree

The others are right...Please Please Please don't hold on to him....you will regret it and you deserve to be .....FIRST........in someone's life..
 
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