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Advice Needed: Where do I go from here?

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Hipposinbloom

New member
Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Liverpool
I'm looking for some advice on what my next options are and if I'm being over dramatic. My anxiety is telling me I'm totally stupid and I'll get to the doctor's office and get given a prescription for exercise and a half-hearted smile. Apologies for this being so long.


To provide context, I'll try to explain the run up to today as briefly as possible:

I'm a 21 year old (F) undergrad, living in the UK.

I have had the worst \~4 years of my life. Since starting university in 2015, I began on a path that lead to total self-isolation. I had a breakdown in the summer of 2016 before exams. Then I met Sarah, who I lived with for 2 years. Ended up relying on her emotionally, she turned out to be toxic and used me for her own self-gain, destroying my self-esteem and self-worth in the process, as well as ripping apart the friendships I'd built because they were all based around her. I had a two-year fucked up relationship with a guy who had bipolar; I genuinely thought one day he would try to strangle me in my sleep. I only stayed with him for Sarah's approval or as a distraction when she wasn't around. It was horrible; he cheated, lied, was admitted to psychiatric wards several times. It was a horror show. I quit my degree because I was failing, changed course and university, staying in the same city. Eventually I moved out of my flat with Sarah into a new flat with people I didn't know. There, I met Lindsay and we were kind of inseparable but in a healthy way; we took our friendship very slow, then started doing our laundry together because she lives in my building, going on nights out etc. We met in December and have built a solid friendship, it's nice. I had some debt problems over the last year and ended up getting into online gambling, gambling away my student loan and I couldn't pay my rent. That took its toll on my mental health and my parents' wallets. They're amazing for paying it for me, they couldn't afford it but they did everything in their power to keep me in university because they know that's where I need to be. I love them so much and to prove to them that I was worth it, I got my shit together, for them. For me too, but they're what kept me going. I built myself up from the bottom, I got a job that starts at a stupid time in the morning, it's only 2 hours a day but it's something. I studied really hard these last few months, got firsts in all my assignments and I'd been studying for my exams. I was doing well, I barely needed half marks in my exams to come out with a first overall (second year of university).


Yesterday, I had my last semester 2 exam. I bought some weed, a bottle of prosecco and made fajitas to celebrate because I'd been on a strict revision schedule. All I was doing was studying and it paid off. Apparent from my Monday to Friday job, I have nothing to do. So, as an introvert, I started watching TV on my own, just chilling. I started thinking about how much I've achieved and how much things could of gone south and I kept persevering and all of a sudden, I got hit with a wave of emotion. I was having these flashbacks to every single time something awful has happened to me, in the last 4 years and my childhood (was a bit rough), it was so vivid and I felt everything. I'd never had anything like that happen to me. I then went into a full-blown panic attack, which I'm familiar with, I tried to calm myself down.I hide what I eat from people, I sneak into the kitchen and I sneak food. It's uncontrollable for me. Had another panic attack so to calm myself down,and self harmed. I have been self harming a lot lately. I never thought it was a problem. I cried a lot yesterday, I was shaking. Happened again this morning too; had to call Lindsay and she calmed me down. She's gone home for summer so there's not much she can do.

Lindsay thinks I should book an appointment with a doctor. I said I would because I agree, sometimes I do get worried what will happen. Like, I'm not at all suicidal, my anxiety is way too high to consider death. But I feel scared, I'm honestly terrified. I don't know what I'm scared of but I don't feel safe and that's alarming. If it was a week day, I would've gone straight to my GP but it's a weekend so I have to wait until Monday.

Will I sound like a hypochondriac if I go to a doctor? I don't want them to not take me seriously. I feel like it's probably just silly and I should get over it and carry on, since everything is technically absolutely fine.


To top it off, my mum just got home from hospital because she had an asthma attack. She's got health problems and she overworks herself, so she neglected her medication. The terrifying thing is that my parents are divorced, my mum doesn't have a partner and my sister isn't in contact with mum; I'm all she's got. So I've got the weight of that to deal with and I feel like I'm on the edge and I don't know what to do or where to take it to. So I'm asking a bunch of strangers on the internet, because I feel like I need an objective point of view, from someone not involved in the situation.


Also, I've been on sertraline and mirtazapine for depression and anxiety for just over 2 years now. I don't need a diagnosis, just an objective view of what steps I should take from here and how seriously you think I should be taking the situation.
 
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Helen73

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2019
Messages
150
Location
Birkenhead, Wirral
Hi, sorry you're going through all this. I would definitely talk to your GP, also look up mental health services at your uni. I went to see mine and they were very helpful. You are not being stupid, in fact you are being the opposite. try to keep yourself safe til Monday. You obviously need some more support. Keep talking to people here - they have a lot of experience. Take care x
 
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Hipposinbloom

New member
Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Liverpool
Hi, sorry you're going through all this. I would definitely talk to your GP, also look up mental health services at your uni. I went to see mine and they were very helpful. You are not being stupid, in fact you are being the opposite. try to keep yourself safe til Monday. You obviously need some more support. Keep talking to people here - they have a lot of experience. Take care x
Thank you so much, that reassurance really means a lot.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
819
Firstly I am not a doctor, but I hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts with you... Could this latest set back possibly be caused by the weed?
If it were me I would approach the Doctors with this issue of scolding and feeling guilty of eating. If you take the weed and the flash backs out of the equation, how would you describe how you are feeling now :hug:
 
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Hipposinbloom

New member
Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Liverpool
Firstly I am not a doctor, but I hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts with you... Could this latest set back possibly be caused by the weed?
If it were me I would approach the Doctors with this issue of scolding and feeling guilty of eating. If you take the weed and the flash backs out of the equation, how would you describe how you are feeling now :hug:
Thank you for your help.
I definitely feel like it triggered something but I believe it's a long time coming. There's a lot of bottled up stuff that I don't want to get into, I haven't dealt with it and I finally relaxed enough to actually think about it. I'm determined to have a good time this weekend and I absolutely deserve it because I've worked so hard, but I was smoking my bong earlier and that was too much. Gonna try my vape with very small amounts, try a different strain that's a bit less intense and mellow out with some Spongebob and keep my mind off it. Just try and bliss out because I'll have to wait until at least Monday to see someone.
I've got some anxiety right now but I'm watching telly, keeping my kind off it and I'm okay. Later on, I'm definitely gonna put on the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy audiobook to fall asleep and keep my fairy lights on hahaha.
I've not eaten since 2pm when I had a little wrap. I'm getting hungry and I'm a little concerned about eating but it's just a thing I'm gonna push myself to get over because I cant not eat.

Thank you again for your kind words and help, it means a lot that you'd take the time out of your day to help me.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
819
In my opinion the bottled up stuff only becomes a issue if it impedes on your quality of life... Regarding drugs, bear in mind they often have known side effects ;)
 
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TheRealScatty

Member
Joined
May 11, 2019
Messages
13
Location
Swindon
It sounds like Counselling or psychological talk therapies would help you.

Have you tried them?

It's obvious that you have some "underlying trauma affecting you.

You are Not a Hyprochdiac and have as much right to seek help as anyone else!
 
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