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Advice needed on intrusive thoughts.

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Rich123

Member
Joined
Mar 22, 2015
Messages
6
Hey guys, I suffer with debilitating anxiety around 90% of the time and i'm generally in a very bad way right now. I am having the worst possible kind of intrusive thoughts which are plaguing my very existence. I'll start with the least troublesome and work my way up.

First of all i'm terrified that somehow i've caught HIV and that my physical anxiety symptoms are actually HIV symptoms. Secondly i'm terrified that I have cancer, particularly a brain tumor... since I live alone the fear of a seizure caused by this phantom tumor is enough to send me over the edge. I'm terrified of losing control and hurting or killing someone and last but by far the worst is I am terrified that i'm a paedophile and that i'm going to lose control and snatch a child.

The thought of it makes my whole body feel completely numb, my hands become drenched and my stomach churns. I know this is not something I would ever do because I have a completely normal adult relationship with a loving partner and feel absolutely no sexual attraction to children but for some reason my mind always goes there when I see a child and occasionally it leads to a panic attack. On a good day the sight of a child does nothing to me which makes me so happy I can't even describe it.

At my worst period my mind convinced me that I was and I was ready to take my own life before I hurt a child. I just want this to stop before I do end up hurting myself or at least for someone to tell me i'm not the only person going through it because I can't function normally with these intrusive thoughts.
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
I'm so sorry you're going through this; anxiety is horrible.

Could you not go to the doctor's for a check-up? That way, it's completely out of your mind and your doctor will hopefully give you something for the anxiety you're feeling too. They might be able to prescribe something or put you in touch with some support groups.
 
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Rich123

Member
Joined
Mar 22, 2015
Messages
6
I've tried a number of things, none really work.
 
BlueBerry

BlueBerry

Well-known member
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Sep 13, 2014
Messages
1,261
Location
Edinburgh
I suffer from very intrusive thoughts of violence which cause me incredible amounts of anxiety, distress and depression. My psych told me that tends to be a symptom of OCD.

The fear of contracting a disease and the fear of attacking/molesting children are apparantly quite common OCD obsessions.

She also told me that people with these OCD obsessions are incredibly unlikely to act on them due to the sheer amount of distress and anxiety it causes us.

It doesn't always feel like that to me, I'm still terrified that I'm going to lose control and kill someone.
 
katya

katya

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Dec 4, 2013
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2,052
Location
England
You won't. You sound like good people who are terrified of hurting anyone.
 
C

countrygirl000

Member
Joined
Mar 23, 2015
Messages
11
I'm having the same issue with the HIV, Cancer, and Brain Tumor fears. I'm always thinking my everyday aches and pains are really some life threating disease and its going to kill me. Every little thing I notice that is different about me, physically and mentally, even as small as a light headache, I think its a new symptom that will eventually end my life. I have tried everything. And I cant stop it. Even distracting myself with odd jobs are hopeless because the thoughts always pop up out of nowhere. I'm beginning to think we all may never be normal again, and we just have to adjust to our new life of constant terror and worry. Glad to see I wasn't the only one this is happening to. Perhaps a therapist may help? Try a journal, it has eased my mind a bit, very little, but it gives you an outlet so its not all pent up, forcing you to continuously dwell on it.
 
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Rich123

Member
Joined
Mar 22, 2015
Messages
6
I dwell on it regardless of what i'm doing, obviously I have good days where it isn't quite so bad. The only time i've been free of this in the past 3 years is when I took MDMA which was like a thousand weights lifted from my shoulders but I can't take that everyday :p It isn't even the health issues which bother me so much because I know they're totally unfounded as i've had many many check ups, it's the constant worry of being a paedophile. I know it isn't true but there is no way of proving it to myself, I can't have an MRI scan and nobody would be able to tell except me and my brain is constantly dwelling on these things. I definitely need some therapy.
 
S

saf75

Member
Joined
Mar 23, 2015
Messages
19
Rich your quite normally abnormal :)

The thoughts you describe are typically the worst things you can imagine, so would it surprise you to know that you share them with so so many other sufferers? I suffer very similarly. Its our mind haunting us with our worst nightmares, you/we can think anything but it doesn't make it so. I stopped going out cause of the thoughts of abuse toward kids and then a really scary incident when I was a my friends home and her mum came over, she's one really lovely old lady. She sat on the sofa besides me and gradually the thoughts and voices start ripping my mind to bits, I sat there ages trying to control them but they had me beat. Constantly over and over "hit her" " smack her one in the face" it got so frightening I found myself sitting on my hands. I totally understand your despair Rich it does get easier mate. If you've been suffering for 3yrs you're already aware that these are just your worst nightmare and not something you would ever do. It's just terrifying when your head won't give you a break.
I find reading helps or puzzles are good to occupy my mind. Music when out n about diverts my thoughts to other times, good times.
It's frightening but you're not alone in this Rich, hang in there mate.
 
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Rich123

Member
Joined
Mar 22, 2015
Messages
6
Thanks so much saf, I have had a very good day today and I think maybe even made a few breakthroughs. I've had the same thoughts about mugging old people who I pass on the street. Those are the kinds of quirks I can laugh about and actually deal with because I know i'd never actually do it. I know i'm not a paedophile because a paedophile would think about children or abusing children in some way but I just sit and think about myself and my own problems, never actually children. I think that might be proof enough to finally make this go away to some degree.
 
R

Rich123

Member
Joined
Mar 22, 2015
Messages
6
Hi guys I have a new symptom I want to share and hopefully get some clarification on. Whenever I get anxious or an intrusive thought of any kind ie health sexual etc I get a strange tingling in my groin and penis. It's unpleasant and I can only really say it feels sexual but also painful at the same time, sometimes it can travel into my stomach which cramps. I don't get an erection and it only really comes when im anxious and I understand that you cannot be aroused and highly anxious at the same time? I still have normal sexual feelings and become erect at the sight of my partner naked in a picture. Sorry to be so graphic but I couldn't have worded it more politely haha.
 
L

luminouspeace

New member
Joined
Mar 29, 2015
Messages
1
Location
Canada
Hi, rich? I just wanted to say, as a female I go through the same thing. I have these very dark and disturbing and inappropriate sexual intrusive thoughts which make me feel greatly ashamed, and I am speaking to a counsellor about them recently. Here's my whole theory/or what I believe to be more than a theory, on becoming aroused during intrusive thoughts. In reality intrusive thoughts are the embodiment of our greatest fears, one of them just happens to be "feeling aroused during intrusive thoughts", so the body does weird shit because of it, despite not being attracted to what is disturbing you. For me it started with the thought of "what if I made my intrusive thoughts worse and sabatoged myself further by combining them with the memories and feelings of actual arousal", and then I got so terrified it would happen that it happened, and all hell just broke lose in my mind. I've been feeling really down in the dumps because of this.
 
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