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[Advice Needed] Cutting ties with someone you care for because you know BPD will get in the way?

Volbe

Volbe

Active member
Joined
May 27, 2020
Messages
37
Location
Spain
Once again, I'm sorry for all of this. Until I manage to talk with a therapist next week this forum board is all I have, and I've been running around options like wild. I know that there are ways around my problems, and I know that there is hope...

I just feel like I'm not ready for this. Right now, at this moment, the person who my symptoms flare the strongest with is also the person who I feel greatly in love with. And I have no reason to complain! I've been open about my mental health situation, they said they would support me. I have been open about the fact I would have my small episodes every now and then, and they said they would support me. They are pretty much... impeccable. I have absolutely no reason to complain, and that's exactly why I'm writing this post.

I know myself. I know what I do. I know what BPD makes me do.

I've seen it happen in the past too many times. Most of the time, I would blame the failed "relationship" on the fact that the person didn't love me enough. Now I acknowledge all of my problems, and I acknowledge how I'm the wrong one when it comes to this. I feel like progress has been made, and I'm desperately looking for therapy to help out with things too.

Everything seems to lead to hope. This is very positive.

But I am terribly scared of messing things up with this person. I've never felt this way before and I'm so exhausted of all the feelings my condition has been giving me due to the affection I feel for him. It's everywhere.

He doesn't text me but has been online since I sent my last messages -> I overreact.
He starts sending smaller replies because he's getting tired or has other life matters to take care of -> I overreact.
He mentions being excited about doing things with people other than me -> I overreact.
He doesn't always "give back" when I feel like I've done something great for him -> I overreact.

Most of you probably know that the list goes on. What surprises me is how much I KNOW that these are overreactions of mine, but that I cannot seem to stop them at all. It's to the point where barely talking to him makes me feel suffocated, because I can't be at peace for a moment. It's unhealthy. And that notion only makes it hurt even more for me. Why? Because he is the healthiest person I've ever come across. If I didn't have these problems, I am sure that this would be amazing and you would probably see us both as another one of those cheesy couples who just seem to have lived a fairytale.

Many times BPD makes me connect to people who are highly dependent like me, and we usually get along until they start getting bored of me. But this is completely different. He isn't dependent at all. He admires me and cherishes me, he has his own really interesting life and he gets a lot of stuff done without an excessive need for attention or anything, even though he appreciates how much I can give him.

And maybe this is why I feel so bad about it. Maybe this is why I understood that I needed treatment.

This isn't like other instances of my BPD displaying where I essentially got met up with people that were bound to be a self-destructive relationship. I can actually see a future in this, and it's the first time I've been able to seriously think about someone I have feelings for in such a hopeful way. Usually thinking of the future boggles my mind because I seem to get these overly affectionate feelings for people who displayed quite a few deal-breaking red flags at first.

Not him. The ONLY red flags he presents are red flags to my BPD, which is horrible. He is a busy person, he is a social person, he has a lot of good friends and reasons to be out and about... All of these things are absolutely great, but they are terrible for my BPD and this time I do not want to give into it. We both have our own upsides and downsides (being that my biggest downside is definitely the fact that I'm BPD, while all he has are a few issues that I would be more than glad to tolerate for as long as I could)

We haven't been too intense when it comes to "relationship" things because we are both the type of person who want to wait and see if it's something genuine and worthwhile (a common motto we share is that everything worth having comes with difficulty) so I'm also very thankful about that too. It's like my mind knows exactly what it wants and how to deal with him so that we may live a nice future together, but then my BPD symptoms attack every single hope I have for treating him like I would anyone else and also for this to actually happen.

It's self-sabotage and I know of it. I can see my BPD killing this before it's even happened (which is also something that rarely happened with me, normally I always saw the "killing" as something that came from the other side) and I am just so so scared of the inevitable fate this seems to bring me. Even now, I cannot cope with the feelings he brings out in me and I've tried countless times, countless techniques. It's awful. I really am trying.

Which leads me to my main point. I know there is hope for me, and I know that I can ease my symptoms with therapy and a lot of hard work. I know this.

But I also know that it doesn't come easy. I won't be able to make it all better in a week. (If only...)

This will take a LOT of time of self improvement and hard work, and I just KNOW that if I stay with him while I'm starting this journey, I'm eventually going to damage everything because right now my symptoms have been quite untolerable. I can't deal with them, I simply can't. I can't deal with every one of our positive interactions being hindered (I'm not hurting him with it, I'm actually doing a GREAT job at keeping it all to myself, but it's the feelings I keep for myself which are completely doing my mind over and it's just not healthy at all) and I feel like the best way to deal with this would be to pause everything and get back to him once I feel more capable of dealing with my emotions.

But how can that happen? If I tell him this, I'll spend my days in pain knowing that I've created distance between me and the one thing I want to keep the closest. How can that happen, if my BPD symptoms only seem to get worse when it comes to him and I'll not be able to find any improvement if I can't consistently practice against my own emotions?

(I only feel the BPD symptoms when it comes to people I fall in love with OR when it's friends/family who I normally trusted but have done something very bad to break my trust. Other than that I'm perfectly normal and I experience no problems whatsoever when it comes to this.)

I do not know what to do. I don't want my memory of him to be one of pain, neither do I want to start hating him (something that BPD seems to be keen on trying 24/7) and most importantly, I do not want to bring him any pain in the future (which I know I will, I just know it... with how intense my bad emotions have been getting at these small things?)

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Does anyone know what to do? I'm going to tell the therapist about this as soon as I get the chance but I'm aware that this will take a while and my symptoms won't vanish just by me being aware of them. The pain this is giving me is becoming quite untolerable, the other night I felt like I was going to die of guilt.

The worst part is that things have no reason to be this way. He is great. He cares for me, he loves me. He has done nothing but show support and comprehension about my condition, as long as I'm able to maintain respect for him. Our moments together should be nothing but fun and exciting (we really get along together and there's this amazing connection between us two) and we both KNOW that if things could continue the way they were, we would definitely be together sometime in the future. It's just right! I've never been able to set aside my wrong-doings before, but with him I'm able to understand that it's my fault.

I wish I could just love him, you know?

I wish I could give him everything he deserves.

I wish I could appreciate everything he gives me without my mind instantly finding something to pick on.

I wish I could be happy and live free from this torment that's trying to take away the thing I want to care about the most.

It would be easier if I could put this part of me to sleep and just see where it would take me, but the pain is always there. I feel like I "have" to make a decision, or else the pain will become overwhelming and eventually kill me. If I could I would just keep taking the blows until I could deal with them, but I feel like it's going to drive me insane to have to consistently go against my feelings all the time.

I almost want to destroy the relationship on purpose just so that it isn't me by accident, but the cause will always be BPD and that's what I hate so much. Why does this have to be a curse that guarantees a certain destiny no matter what I do? I thought that being aware would help... but it really doesn't.

Everything inside of me is conflict. I feel like I can't be with him because my mind will find something to create a monster out of, but then I feel like I can't not be with him because that pains my heart, having to spend time away from the person I love... and gah... It's so confusing.

I don't even know why I'm posting such a huge rant on here. I feel like it's pointless. But I really want to know what to do. I'm on the edge right here and I feel like even though I'm aware of the problems my BPD is bringing me, I may be taking an impulsive decision due to it and I want to avoid that as much as possible.

Could anyone who is definitely in a more lucid state of mind than I am, tell me what seems to be the best thing for me right now? I would really appreciate your help.

(I'm sorry for constantly posting about similar issues, but this is something I am really struggling with and I have nowhere to turn.)
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
3,389
Location
London, ON
Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Does anyone know what to do?
Yes, I've been there, no, I haven't really figured out how to fix it.

I know the last time I was in this situation, I thought the same way you did, that my BPD was a big reason not to pursue things, and so I tried to establish a safe kinda distance, emotionally, because I felt I was getting too attached. All that did was upset the other person. (Who, honestly, turned out to have enough issues it didn't really matter what I chose to do).

Part of me wants to say just enjoy it for what it is, for now. Wait and see how you manage to handle these things.

Maybe figure out what kinds of things/signs/statements he can say or do that would reassure you.

this, for me, is one of the hardest aspects to deal with.

But, yes, tell your therapist all this. Maybe re-right this stuff down, it's its clear and concise, to help you explain it to the therapist.
 
Volbe

Volbe

Active member
Joined
May 27, 2020
Messages
37
Location
Spain
Yes, I've been there, no, I haven't really figured out how to fix it.

I know the last time I was in this situation, I thought the same way you did, that my BPD was a big reason not to pursue things, and so I tried to establish a safe kinda distance, emotionally, because I felt I was getting too attached. All that did was upset the other person. (Who, honestly, turned out to have enough issues it didn't really matter what I chose to do).

Part of me wants to say just enjoy it for what it is, for now. Wait and see how you manage to handle these things.

Maybe figure out what kinds of things/signs/statements he can say or do that would reassure you.

this, for me, is one of the hardest aspects to deal with.

But, yes, tell your therapist all this. Maybe re-right this stuff down, it's its clear and concise, to help you explain it to the therapist.
Right now I would probably need way too much reassuring. For all my emotions are concerned, I would most likely need him to baby me all the time and to remind me that I'm doing okay and that I haven't said anything bad to him.

I am going to plan this though, and I'm going to make sure my therapist hears every single worry of mine... I used to keep these things inside at the time because I still didn't deal with my BPD in a proper manner so I thought that dissociating from the people who made me feel these things was the best way around it. I don't want to run from the problem anymore, however, so I will definitely try to be open about this.


Does he know about your disagnosis? Is he understanding? :hug:
He does, and I feel like he has been very understanding with me, but I think that it's very hard for someone who doesn't suffer from the condition to fully understand what it entails? For example, last time we had a "big talk" about this I said that I was going to try and do better, and normally trying to do better would mean that some sort of progress is soon, but there are moments where I fall back to the exact same behaviours and I worry that he may feel like I'm a lost cause at times...

And also, even though he knows about my problems (I made a point of explaining it all in great detail because I was having a crisis at the time) I could tell that he felt a little drained from having to support someone who needed that much support, which is perfectly comprehensible (we stayed up talking about this and this alone for around 4 hours at a less noble time of the night when we both had obligations the next day) so I actually really worry about being 100% open with this.

I mean, things would work perfectly for me if every time I got triggered I could just say "hey, x made me feel like y and I would like to know if this makes sense" and have him reassure me whenever it wasn't me overthinking things... And if I asked him, he would probably say "sure, you can do that! it's fine!" but I know that he will eventually become overwhelmed and bothered with how often I overthink things... So I'm trying to save him from some of the pain, of course, as he's also a person and if this is hard for me, it's also going to be hard for him :/
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
3,389
Location
London, ON

That link isn't to a clinical type site, it goes to a writing site, lol. But, it does a pretty good job of explaining in a straightforward way what BPD (and other personality disorders) is like. You might find it useful, for yourself or your friend.

Personally - I pretty sure trying to avoid all relationships, even until you feel you have better control, is a terrible idea. I feel very close to how you seem to feel, I think, and I let the fear kinda win. I haven't dated at all in like, ummmm, 20 years? (now I feel old. -sigh-). Utterly terrified of the cost of screwing things up, that's me!

I don't think I'm ok with being alone, but I've accepted it.

Rather -I've accepted that because I'm not willing to be more open, or resolve certain things, I'm not suitable to date.

Anyway - don't trap yourself waiting for the "right" time or sign. I'm so insecure about relationships that there is no sign of interest I'll believe in, I always have doubt.

Don't be like that.

Also, may I ask how old you are? the above link reminded me -the younger you are, the better your odds of coping with BPD.
 
U

Until

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 11, 2020
Messages
183
Location
uk
Once again, I'm sorry for all of this. Until I manage to talk with a therapist next week this forum board is all I have, and I've been running around options like wild. I know that there are ways around my problems, and I know that there is hope...

I just feel like I'm not ready for this. Right now, at this moment, the person who my symptoms flare the strongest with is also the person who I feel greatly in love with. And I have no reason to complain! I've been open about my mental health situation, they said they would support me. I have been open about the fact I would have my small episodes every now and then, and they said they would support me. They are pretty much... impeccable. I have absolutely no reason to complain, and that's exactly why I'm writing this post.

I know myself. I know what I do. I know what BPD makes me do.

I've seen it happen in the past too many times. Most of the time, I would blame the failed "relationship" on the fact that the person didn't love me enough. Now I acknowledge all of my problems, and I acknowledge how I'm the wrong one when it comes to this. I feel like progress has been made, and I'm desperately looking for therapy to help out with things too.

Everything seems to lead to hope. This is very positive.

But I am terribly scared of messing things up with this person. I've never felt this way before and I'm so exhausted of all the feelings my condition has been giving me due to the affection I feel for him. It's everywhere.

He doesn't text me but has been online since I sent my last messages -> I overreact.
He starts sending smaller replies because he's getting tired or has other life matters to take care of -> I overreact.
He mentions being excited about doing things with people other than me -> I overreact.
He doesn't always "give back" when I feel like I've done something great for him -> I overreact.

Most of you probably know that the list goes on. What surprises me is how much I KNOW that these are overreactions of mine, but that I cannot seem to stop them at all. It's to the point where barely talking to him makes me feel suffocated, because I can't be at peace for a moment. It's unhealthy. And that notion only makes it hurt even more for me. Why? Because he is the healthiest person I've ever come across. If I didn't have these problems, I am sure that this would be amazing and you would probably see us both as another one of those cheesy couples who just seem to have lived a fairytale.

Many times BPD makes me connect to people who are highly dependent like me, and we usually get along until they start getting bored of me. But this is completely different. He isn't dependent at all. He admires me and cherishes me, he has his own really interesting life and he gets a lot of stuff done without an excessive need for attention or anything, even though he appreciates how much I can give him.

And maybe this is why I feel so bad about it. Maybe this is why I understood that I needed treatment.

This isn't like other instances of my BPD displaying where I essentially got met up with people that were bound to be a self-destructive relationship. I can actually see a future in this, and it's the first time I've been able to seriously think about someone I have feelings for in such a hopeful way. Usually thinking of the future boggles my mind because I seem to get these overly affectionate feelings for people who displayed quite a few deal-breaking red flags at first.

Not him. The ONLY red flags he presents are red flags to my BPD, which is horrible. He is a busy person, he is a social person, he has a lot of good friends and reasons to be out and about... All of these things are absolutely great, but they are terrible for my BPD and this time I do not want to give into it. We both have our own upsides and downsides (being that my biggest downside is definitely the fact that I'm BPD, while all he has are a few issues that I would be more than glad to tolerate for as long as I could)

We haven't been too intense when it comes to "relationship" things because we are both the type of person who want to wait and see if it's something genuine and worthwhile (a common motto we share is that everything worth having comes with difficulty) so I'm also very thankful about that too. It's like my mind knows exactly what it wants and how to deal with him so that we may live a nice future together, but then my BPD symptoms attack every single hope I have for treating him like I would anyone else and also for this to actually happen.

It's self-sabotage and I know of it. I can see my BPD killing this before it's even happened (which is also something that rarely happened with me, normally I always saw the "killing" as something that came from the other side) and I am just so so scared of the inevitable fate this seems to bring me. Even now, I cannot cope with the feelings he brings out in me and I've tried countless times, countless techniques. It's awful. I really am trying.

Which leads me to my main point. I know there is hope for me, and I know that I can ease my symptoms with therapy and a lot of hard work. I know this.

But I also know that it doesn't come easy. I won't be able to make it all better in a week. (If only...)

This will take a LOT of time of self improvement and hard work, and I just KNOW that if I stay with him while I'm starting this journey, I'm eventually going to damage everything because right now my symptoms have been quite untolerable. I can't deal with them, I simply can't. I can't deal with every one of our positive interactions being hindered (I'm not hurting him with it, I'm actually doing a GREAT job at keeping it all to myself, but it's the feelings I keep for myself which are completely doing my mind over and it's just not healthy at all) and I feel like the best way to deal with this would be to pause everything and get back to him once I feel more capable of dealing with my emotions.

But how can that happen? If I tell him this, I'll spend my days in pain knowing that I've created distance between me and the one thing I want to keep the closest. How can that happen, if my BPD symptoms only seem to get worse when it comes to him and I'll not be able to find any improvement if I can't consistently practice against my own emotions?

(I only feel the BPD symptoms when it comes to people I fall in love with OR when it's friends/family who I normally trusted but have done something very bad to break my trust. Other than that I'm perfectly normal and I experience no problems whatsoever when it comes to this.)

I do not know what to do. I don't want my memory of him to be one of pain, neither do I want to start hating him (something that BPD seems to be keen on trying 24/7) and most importantly, I do not want to bring him any pain in the future (which I know I will, I just know it... with how intense my bad emotions have been getting at these small things?)

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Does anyone know what to do? I'm going to tell the therapist about this as soon as I get the chance but I'm aware that this will take a while and my symptoms won't vanish just by me being aware of them. The pain this is giving me is becoming quite untolerable, the other night I felt like I was going to die of guilt.

The worst part is that things have no reason to be this way. He is great. He cares for me, he loves me. He has done nothing but show support and comprehension about my condition, as long as I'm able to maintain respect for him. Our moments together should be nothing but fun and exciting (we really get along together and there's this amazing connection between us two) and we both KNOW that if things could continue the way they were, we would definitely be together sometime in the future. It's just right! I've never been able to set aside my wrong-doings before, but with him I'm able to understand that it's my fault.

I wish I could just love him, you know?

I wish I could give him everything he deserves.

I wish I could appreciate everything he gives me without my mind instantly finding something to pick on.

I wish I could be happy and live free from this torment that's trying to take away the thing I want to care about the most.

It would be easier if I could put this part of me to sleep and just see where it would take me, but the pain is always there. I feel like I "have" to make a decision, or else the pain will become overwhelming and eventually kill me. If I could I would just keep taking the blows until I could deal with them, but I feel like it's going to drive me insane to have to consistently go against my feelings all the time.

I almost want to destroy the relationship on purpose just so that it isn't me by accident, but the cause will always be BPD and that's what I hate so much. Why does this have to be a curse that guarantees a certain destiny no matter what I do? I thought that being aware would help... but it really doesn't.

Everything inside of me is conflict. I feel like I can't be with him because my mind will find something to create a monster out of, but then I feel like I can't not be with him because that pains my heart, having to spend time away from the person I love... and gah... It's so confusing.

I don't even know why I'm posting such a huge rant on here. I feel like it's pointless. But I really want to know what to do. I'm on the edge right here and I feel like even though I'm aware of the problems my BPD is bringing me, I may be taking an impulsive decision due to it and I want to avoid that as much as possible.

Could anyone who is definitely in a more lucid state of mind than I am, tell me what seems to be the best thing for me right now? I would really appreciate your help.

(I'm sorry for constantly posting about similar issues, but this is something I am really struggling with and I have nowhere to turn.)
The good news is you recognise it and you know with therapy and work that you can overcome a lot and manage the symptoms. It would be a shame for you if you stopped being in contact with him, as at a later date you may look back and regret not keeping something with him.

I know exactly what you mean when you say your BPD really only shows when you really like someone and trust them, in a relationship or friends, family who do something to hurt you. I can relate to that.

I also understand your turmoil with what to do as you can see yourself doing what us BPD do, one of the things that we have is abandonment issues, so when he doesn't reply to you but is online, that is a trigger for a BPD and I have felt this and also when you do something really good for him and get little back for it, I know that feeling too.

I find it hard to stop my feelings surfacing and if I do I would become irritable with a lot of things or angry if i have to suppress how I really feel, it comes out in indirect ways.
 
AnxiousE

AnxiousE

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 8, 2020
Messages
3,808
Location
USA
ugh! so hard! like Nukelavee said, I've been there but don't really have a solution.

I mean, I kind of think that maybe if I had this friend of my FP as my friend sooner, who did all those things you want your FP to do (reassure you almost constantly and listen to you), then perhaps I'd have been able to save the relationship...on the other hand, thinking back, that was for the other FP. The second FP (also mutual friends with those other two people) I was beginning to struggle with despite having my friend there. None of us knew of the concept of an FP at the time, and we were all ignorant. She did her best to support me, but made one mistake in saying that the 2nd FP was there and listening when in fact, 2nd FP was getting annoyed and bothered by all of my messages, which I kindof thought. But I believed the friend because she was fine about the messages. I should have known better to have waited to hear it directly from 2nd FP and just stick to messaging friend for the time being.

That's the best I've got. Continue chatting with us on the forum and do the therapy. I think it's helpful to have someone to talk to daily when you are struggling, which would not likely be the case with a therapist. What I'm saying is, even with therapy, I'd need supplemental help.

Best
 
Volbe

Volbe

Active member
Joined
May 27, 2020
Messages
37
Location
Spain

That link isn't to a clinical type site, it goes to a writing site, lol. But, it does a pretty good job of explaining in a straightforward way what BPD (and other personality disorders) is like. You might find it useful, for yourself or your friend.

Personally - I pretty sure trying to avoid all relationships, even until you feel you have better control, is a terrible idea. I feel very close to how you seem to feel, I think, and I let the fear kinda win. I haven't dated at all in like, ummmm, 20 years? (now I feel old. -sigh-). Utterly terrified of the cost of screwing things up, that's me!

I don't think I'm ok with being alone, but I've accepted it.

Rather -I've accepted that because I'm not willing to be more open, or resolve certain things, I'm not suitable to date.

Anyway - don't trap yourself waiting for the "right" time or sign. I'm so insecure about relationships that there is no sign of interest I'll believe in, I always have doubt.

Don't be like that.

Also, may I ask how old you are? the above link reminded me -the younger you are, the better your odds of coping with BPD.
I am 20 y/o! I really want to thank you for sharing the website (it's extremely rich compared to other resources that only have a piece of information or two) and for sharing your sentiments, which really helped me feel like I'm not alone with this. Sometimes these issues make me feel like I'm going crazy, but I guess it really is just normal for people who have these struggles, right?

Once again I mentioned my issues with him, and we had a very nice talk. He told me that he's probably done a really bad job and reassuring me because he often goes through cycles of feeling pretty good <-> pretty bad, and that it isn't my fault that he's not as enthusiastic. This is a challenge I haven't had before, so it definitely makes everything harder, but there's a lot of good will from both sides so I think it's really just a matter of staying strong and persisting. I hope we can make things better sometime soon.

The good news is you recognise it and you know with therapy and work that you can overcome a lot and manage the symptoms. It would be a shame for you if you stopped being in contact with him, as at a later date you may look back and regret not keeping something with him.

I know exactly what you mean when you say your BPD really only shows when you really like someone and trust them, in a relationship or friends, family who do something to hurt you. I can relate to that.

I also understand your turmoil with what to do as you can see yourself doing what us BPD do, one of the things that we have is abandonment issues, so when he doesn't reply to you but is online, that is a trigger for a BPD and I have felt this and also when you do something really good for him and get little back for it, I know that feeling too.

I find it hard to stop my feelings surfacing and if I do I would become irritable with a lot of things or angry if i have to suppress how I really feel, it comes out in indirect ways.
Thank you for letting me know how you experience the exact same things when it comes to this! It helps me feel like I'm not alone, as they really are similar... The worst part is that now I'm aware and I constantly try to surpress these feelings when they come, but they come out in equally destructive indirect ways and it's just so tiring? Like why I can't I keep my dumb emotions quiet for once and for all!

ugh! so hard! like Nukelavee said, I've been there but don't really have a solution.

I mean, I kind of think that maybe if I had this friend of my FP as my friend sooner, who did all those things you want your FP to do (reassure you almost constantly and listen to you), then perhaps I'd have been able to save the relationship...on the other hand, thinking back, that was for the other FP. The second FP (also mutual friends with those other two people) I was beginning to struggle with despite having my friend there. None of us knew of the concept of an FP at the time, and we were all ignorant. She did her best to support me, but made one mistake in saying that the 2nd FP was there and listening when in fact, 2nd FP was getting annoyed and bothered by all of my messages, which I kindof thought. But I believed the friend because she was fine about the messages. I should have known better to have waited to hear it directly from 2nd FP and just stick to messaging friend for the time being.

That's the best I've got. Continue chatting with us on the forum and do the therapy. I think it's helpful to have someone to talk to daily when you are struggling, which would not likely be the case with a therapist. What I'm saying is, even with therapy, I'd need supplemental help.

Best
Reading your experiences is actually really helpful, as I don't feel like I've been in your shoes before and quite frankly... I feel like that would be extremely hard? Not to mention, it's hard to balance things because of our black/white thinking. Like, we either fall into the mistake of blaming everything on the other person, and if we don't, then we blame it all on ourselves... and sometimes the other person really isn't as interested either way? It's really hard for us to take in because of all the grey that this world has, and all the grey that we struggle with seeing...

With my current FP I'm trying to learn to see things in grey, because we are both aware that we both make mistakes sometimes! This is super hard for me, because I feel like it would be easier for me to balance things as "you're wrong, I'm right!" or "you're right, I'm wrong!" as if they were foolproof maxims of sorts... But the truth is that it happens to us both. He is wrong sometimes. He is right sometimes. I am wrong sometimes, I am right sometimes. As I experience these annoying symptoms, it's really hard for me to accept this, but I think that if I keep on with the hard work, it may actually work!


I keep on having cycles of extreme hope <-> complete despair when it comes to the situation, and now I guess I'm back on the hope part of it... But I feel like it's really what should prevail? I mean, no matter what attitudes my FP has, he always makes a point of setting things straight whenever I ask for it, instead of overreacting or thinking that I'm being accusing.

It's just hard because just as I have a hard time saying "okay, my BPD is wrong so I'll stop it from happening!" there are a few things that come from his side that he can't really go "okay, this triggers you so I'll stop it from happening!"... He tries whenever he can, of course, but we can only be flexible to an extent. I actually think that this is exactly what I need to start taking care of my BPD though, as he seems to be the "perfect match" for trying to sort out my emotions.

He's very independent, which goes against my extreme dependency at times, but this could really prove to teach me how to let go of some of my ways!

He's very understanding, which goes against my tendency to spiral into chaos whenever I get triggered by something slight. Things never turn into arguments anymore, we tackle the problem and try to mend it in whatever ways we can.

He's very willing, which goes against my (as seen by this post) desire to simply give up and hope to start trying again once I'm better. Time and time again he's told me that he wants to take the risk with me... We are aware that it isn't something 100% set in stone, and we may end up being incompatible, but he isn't trying to run away from the difficulties that come up? I actually think that when it comes to this, he does a much better job than I do, since my first reaction is either to submit to my feelings or try to cut ties with everything to avoid getting the feelings again...

It just feels like hope to me. I feel like some of his issues aren't really good for me, but... he cannot be "ideal", can he? I mean, maybe starting by trying to live with that would also be a good way to recover from my BPD traits!

(If anyone is curious, the main "problem" I would say he has is the way he copes with things. He has very unhealthy coping mechanisms, and sadly they also trigger my BPD. He's the type of person that is there for everyone and takes on every single burden he can come across! His job is literally spending his days doing that, and he's used to having huge responsibilities on his shoulders. The reverse is that he often has long periods of burnout where he's extremely apathetic to everything. But honestly... as much as this is a problem, why would I give up because of something like this? That's the silliest thing I could ever do. We're all imperfect, and honestly, if this is the type of imperfection I have to deal with, I'm glad! Although I guess his mental health isn't 100% perfect either... Maybe if I ever get to work on myself, I can get him to work on himself too, later down the road!)

Once again, thank you all for the input and for putting up with my constant rants about this issue. It's been very helpful, and even though I seem to spiral down into the bad feelings ever now and then... The fact that I haven't given up on anything/neither have I destroyed anything means that I'm still making good progress! Every day is a sign of victory, I'd say :hug:
 
AnxiousE

AnxiousE

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It's so very interesting to read your posts as I'm still trying to understand bpd better.

a couple things I can relate to are the independent trait of your FP. My husband is the same way, so in many regards, it has been good for me to recognize a lot of my own behaviors, blah blah blah (i think I was just making the point that I get it. Haven't really thought too much about what more I could share tbh. lol)

In saying that, H(usband) was not a traditional FP for me...ok, well maybe when we first met, but not the ones I've been referring to. One of my first "official" FPs, that I did mention here, had that unhealthy trait that you talk about, taking on everything until burnout. It was sad for me when FP would take a break for about a week...Come to think of it, I guess H has a similar trait, but the thing is that because we live together, I'm never away from him to miss him. right? So, it's different for me, but he has had to take a few "sick days" or whathaveyou to destress from taking it all on at work and/or just life (he helps family and folks he knows outside of work too whenever anyone asks).

Keep up the good attitude! And as always, best wishes!

@Nukelavee I plan to check out that link too. thanks in advance!
 
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The bit in the link that points out age has a lot to do with success in handling BPD makes me feel like it's a question of practice in handling yourself better.

That is - you can still succeed if you are older, you just have to realize it's not a passive process.

Volbe - Just remember, the more you try to minimize your reactions, the less work it becomes. It becomes automatic.

Another thing to keep in mind is this - we tend to plan/prepare for what we think is the worst possible case. Except, sometimes, events far beyond the level of what we'd thought we'd face occur. So, don't get discouraged if, despite working on controlling a trait, you have a bad spell.

Those things are going to happen. We are always going to have periods of out of control or backsliding - what's important is not letting that convince us our work has been pointless.

Also - There are many people, on this site, with BPD who do manage to have relationships.
 
AnxiousE

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@Nukelavee I read the bit on bpd (still plan to look through dependent and so on) and it's still a bit technical for me, but the examples section is super fascinating! While I admit I only know a handful of those listed, I do very much like the movie Eternal Sunshine... I didn't even realize this was Clementine's issue. Personally, i feel like it could have been elaborated on more...that the story was even slightly short, but it still made its point.

The other VERY interesting example for me was Anakin/Vadar, although it wasn't confirmed that it was actually an example. Still, I very much relate to why he felt the way he did and just adore the Revenge of the Sith. (Whatever that says about me. Lol) No, I don't mean I'd go on a
killing spree though, and I do feel he was pretty intense with his accusation of Obi Won and Padme,
still, I can relate to the intense feelings of insecurity though. I REALLY like Hayden Christensen's portrayal of Anakin. Screw the critics! Hehe
 
AnxiousE

AnxiousE

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Argh! There isn't very much help here for the DPD. Really not much description and I know none of the very few examples. Still though, what IS mentioned, i can very much relate to. Perhaps my FP is my "emotional crutch"!

Anyway, I'm not going to comment on any more examples...unless folks want me to, but I just threw out this one because that is my dx, well, "traits of DPD". And it makes more sense with this description than others I've read. It's unfortunate, but it seems that section on any forum has very little members. :/
 
Volbe

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@Nukelavee I read the bit on bpd (still plan to look through dependent and so on) and it's still a bit technical for me, but the examples section is super fascinating! While I admit I only know a handful of those listed, I do very much like the movie Eternal Sunshine... I didn't even realize this was Clementine's issue. Personally, i feel like it could have been elaborated on more...that the story was even slightly short, but it still made its point.

The other VERY interesting example for me was Anakin/Vadar, although it wasn't confirmed that it was actually an example. Still, I very much relate to why he felt the way he did and just adore the Revenge of the Sith. (Whatever that says about me. Lol) No, I don't mean I'd go on a
killing spree though, and I do feel he was pretty intense with his accusation of Obi Won and Padme,
still, I can relate to the intense feelings of insecurity though. I REALLY like Hayden Christensen's portrayal of Anakin. Screw the critics! Hehe
This might be a little random, but the protagonist Medea from the Greek play of the same name (which means, this is super old!) also displays a LOT of BPD traits and I find that it's interesting to notice the link, because maybe people were aware of people like this in the ancient times? (And, being a play, you need to write characters that are believable to an extent, even if they are different from you)
 
Volbe

Volbe

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The bit in the link that points out age has a lot to do with success in handling BPD makes me feel like it's a question of practice in handling yourself better.

That is - you can still succeed if you are older, you just have to realize it's not a passive process.

Volbe - Just remember, the more you try to minimize your reactions, the less work it becomes. It becomes automatic.

Another thing to keep in mind is this - we tend to plan/prepare for what we think is the worst possible case. Except, sometimes, events far beyond the level of what we'd thought we'd face occur. So, don't get discouraged if, despite working on controlling a trait, you have a bad spell.

Those things are going to happen. We are always going to have periods of out of control or backsliding - what's important is not letting that convince us our work has been pointless.

Also - There are many people, on this site, with BPD who do manage to have relationships.
I really want to thank you for this! You are right, if anything this is the start of a journey, and I think I'll be doing well if I keep up the good work.

Today for example, my FP left my on read for a long time during a chat and instead of instantly thinking bad things, I first assumed that maybe he had something happen (which he did, his family called) and was able to remain calm! Of course this didn't trigger me much as our conversation was fluid until then so it was obvious to me that he wouldn't interrupt it for no reason, but it's still a positive sign I would say!
 
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