E
Esteban
Member
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2009
- Messages
- 6
Hello everyone. First I want to apologise for the long post, but I hope you can help to identify whatever may be going on here - I'll supply as much information as I can, but a lot of this will be written as I think of it and may be a bit disorganised.
My dad is in his mid-sixties and he's a compulsive hoarder/clutterer; our house is literally full of his possessions. There's stuff stored in the bathroom, in all the bedrooms (the spare bedroom is absolutely full and you can't even get into it) and even the stairs. In fact there's at least one item on each and every stair - boxes, tools, paint cans, a footpump (for blowing up tyres) etc. etc. etc. About ten years ago, our fridge-freezer broke down and he couldn't repair it (he's usually good at repairing things) so he and my mum decided to get a new one. However he didn't dispose of the old one - instead he put it into the garden shed. A few months ago that new fridge-freezer also broke down and despite replacing the thermostat, he couldn't get it working again. So my parents bought another new fridge freezer - and the previous one is now standing in the back garden - he won't dispose of it because he wants to take his new thermostat out of it again but he says he doesn't have time, so it has stood there for months.
It's also difficult to get into my room - there's a pile of boxes on one side of my doorway and a set of stepladders on the other so to get into my room I physically have to turn and walk sideways between the items. Usually I have to move the ladders too, as he places them across my bedroom doorway to get into the other bedroom (and doesn't move them back when he's done!)
His favourite item has to be televisions. In our household, including the televisions we watch in the living room and bedrooms there are no less than 11 television sets, four of which are in my bedroom. In fact one of the televisions stored somewhere (possibly the garden shed) is so old that it was based on the old fashioned "405 lines" system (as opposed to today's "625 lines", which even THAT is becoming obsolete what with HD TV) and so would not be in any way useable whatsoever, yet still he hangs onto it. When I was little I had a Sinclair Spectrum computer and he brought an old television to our house for me to use with that. That television broke down many years ago, and so he put that in the shed too, with the fridge-freezer. Our main television (an Amstrad) in the living room broke down about a year ago - it was very old but had been kept going by my dad's excellent repairing skills, and had given us brilliant service. In fact this TV actually previously belonged to his mother (my grandmother) who died about 25 years ago. For various reasons he decided not to repair it again, but to buy a brand new LCD high-definition TV. He bought this new TV over a year ago, and where is it now? Sitting on the floor of our living room, still in its box. For the past year, we've been watching a tiny portable TV that was originally bought for my parents' caravan and it doesn't look like the new TV is going to be set up any time soon. And further, he's said that he won't throw away the old Amstrad because it belonged to his mother and has "sentimental value".
Getting on for 20 years ago, he bought a large compressor - a tool for doing all kinds of jobs such as painting, inflating car tyres and much more. It's standing in the living room now behind one of the chairs where it's been most of that time. It's only been used a couple of times since he bought it, if that. About 15 years ago, my late sister accidentally chipped the paint on it and he flew off the handle. "It's ruined!" he shouted, going on and on and on and on and on about it, as is his way (and I'm pretty sure that it wasn't actually ruined). To be honest it wouldn't matter if it WERE ruined for all the use it's had before OR since.
In fact another of my dad's favourite things is tools. He has all the tools in the world - not just one, but two or three of every tool available, yet he doesn't do anything with them - he says this is because he doesn't have the time. But knowing he doesn't have the time, why does he buy the tools in the first place? He's constantly watching the shopping channels on TV and if anything catches his interest, he'll order it. He's got all these tools, and yet the paint is peeling off the kitchen walls, the living room wallpaper is extremely shabby etc. It's just like he gets bitten by the "I've got to have it" bug every time he sees something on TV or in a shop...
He's forever saying he needs help to do jobs and can't cope, but a few years ago when I offered to have a go at painting the kitchen walls, he refused point-blank to allow me. And he won't have anyone in to do the jobs; he says he wouldn't trust an outsider to do it, and he can't afford it anyway. He still has his mum's house which has stood unlived-in for 25 years yet he "doesn't have time" to sort that out and get rid of it either. Again, a few years ago, my sister wanted to buy it from him to live in, but he wouldn't sell it because he didn't have time to sort through the contents and clear it out etc. My sister offered to help him, but again he refused - for some reason it has to be my mum who helps him - no one else. My mum and I think this is because he knows he can manipulate her more easily and convince her that "this, that and the other" (from his mum's house which is also full of all sorts of stuff) is "too good to throw out" and "can we keep it?"
The armchairs in the living room can't be sat on (although there is a 3-seater sofa that can so we're not totally without seating). The two armchairs are piled high with boxes, packages and papers. About two years ago, my sister and her boyfriend came to visit and, ashamed of the appearance of an armchair piled high with "stuff", my mam draped a blanket over it to at least make it look more tidy. Today, that blanket is still in place only now it's covered with a new layer of yet more "stuff"! In other words, the things that were covered over by the blanket have lain there two years without being used, touched or even looked at. Yet they absolutely CANNOT be thrown out or disposed of.
My mum is desperate for him to sort the house out, tidy it up and so on but he insists he doesn't have time. Admittedly he works long hours, four days a week on a physically demanding job and he is exhausted when he gets home from work. He has actually fallen asleep literally while eating his evening meal after work, but he does get three-day weekends which I'm sure he could use at least part of to sort things out.
He refuses to be told by my mum that he should sort the house out. "I don't have the time" or "I'm too tired when I get home from work" are his excuses. And when I try to talk to him about it I just get berated for being disrespectful. He's the father, I'm the son, and I've got no right telling him what he should be doing.
From here I can only see two ways out. Either he has to realise and acknowledge that he has a problem, or my mam and I should leave him. It's looking increasingly like the latter. Does anyone have any advice on how to get him to confront his problems, or would you say that the only course of action is for us to leave?
Hope you can help.
My dad is in his mid-sixties and he's a compulsive hoarder/clutterer; our house is literally full of his possessions. There's stuff stored in the bathroom, in all the bedrooms (the spare bedroom is absolutely full and you can't even get into it) and even the stairs. In fact there's at least one item on each and every stair - boxes, tools, paint cans, a footpump (for blowing up tyres) etc. etc. etc. About ten years ago, our fridge-freezer broke down and he couldn't repair it (he's usually good at repairing things) so he and my mum decided to get a new one. However he didn't dispose of the old one - instead he put it into the garden shed. A few months ago that new fridge-freezer also broke down and despite replacing the thermostat, he couldn't get it working again. So my parents bought another new fridge freezer - and the previous one is now standing in the back garden - he won't dispose of it because he wants to take his new thermostat out of it again but he says he doesn't have time, so it has stood there for months.
It's also difficult to get into my room - there's a pile of boxes on one side of my doorway and a set of stepladders on the other so to get into my room I physically have to turn and walk sideways between the items. Usually I have to move the ladders too, as he places them across my bedroom doorway to get into the other bedroom (and doesn't move them back when he's done!)
His favourite item has to be televisions. In our household, including the televisions we watch in the living room and bedrooms there are no less than 11 television sets, four of which are in my bedroom. In fact one of the televisions stored somewhere (possibly the garden shed) is so old that it was based on the old fashioned "405 lines" system (as opposed to today's "625 lines", which even THAT is becoming obsolete what with HD TV) and so would not be in any way useable whatsoever, yet still he hangs onto it. When I was little I had a Sinclair Spectrum computer and he brought an old television to our house for me to use with that. That television broke down many years ago, and so he put that in the shed too, with the fridge-freezer. Our main television (an Amstrad) in the living room broke down about a year ago - it was very old but had been kept going by my dad's excellent repairing skills, and had given us brilliant service. In fact this TV actually previously belonged to his mother (my grandmother) who died about 25 years ago. For various reasons he decided not to repair it again, but to buy a brand new LCD high-definition TV. He bought this new TV over a year ago, and where is it now? Sitting on the floor of our living room, still in its box. For the past year, we've been watching a tiny portable TV that was originally bought for my parents' caravan and it doesn't look like the new TV is going to be set up any time soon. And further, he's said that he won't throw away the old Amstrad because it belonged to his mother and has "sentimental value".
Getting on for 20 years ago, he bought a large compressor - a tool for doing all kinds of jobs such as painting, inflating car tyres and much more. It's standing in the living room now behind one of the chairs where it's been most of that time. It's only been used a couple of times since he bought it, if that. About 15 years ago, my late sister accidentally chipped the paint on it and he flew off the handle. "It's ruined!" he shouted, going on and on and on and on and on about it, as is his way (and I'm pretty sure that it wasn't actually ruined). To be honest it wouldn't matter if it WERE ruined for all the use it's had before OR since.
In fact another of my dad's favourite things is tools. He has all the tools in the world - not just one, but two or three of every tool available, yet he doesn't do anything with them - he says this is because he doesn't have the time. But knowing he doesn't have the time, why does he buy the tools in the first place? He's constantly watching the shopping channels on TV and if anything catches his interest, he'll order it. He's got all these tools, and yet the paint is peeling off the kitchen walls, the living room wallpaper is extremely shabby etc. It's just like he gets bitten by the "I've got to have it" bug every time he sees something on TV or in a shop...
He's forever saying he needs help to do jobs and can't cope, but a few years ago when I offered to have a go at painting the kitchen walls, he refused point-blank to allow me. And he won't have anyone in to do the jobs; he says he wouldn't trust an outsider to do it, and he can't afford it anyway. He still has his mum's house which has stood unlived-in for 25 years yet he "doesn't have time" to sort that out and get rid of it either. Again, a few years ago, my sister wanted to buy it from him to live in, but he wouldn't sell it because he didn't have time to sort through the contents and clear it out etc. My sister offered to help him, but again he refused - for some reason it has to be my mum who helps him - no one else. My mum and I think this is because he knows he can manipulate her more easily and convince her that "this, that and the other" (from his mum's house which is also full of all sorts of stuff) is "too good to throw out" and "can we keep it?"
The armchairs in the living room can't be sat on (although there is a 3-seater sofa that can so we're not totally without seating). The two armchairs are piled high with boxes, packages and papers. About two years ago, my sister and her boyfriend came to visit and, ashamed of the appearance of an armchair piled high with "stuff", my mam draped a blanket over it to at least make it look more tidy. Today, that blanket is still in place only now it's covered with a new layer of yet more "stuff"! In other words, the things that were covered over by the blanket have lain there two years without being used, touched or even looked at. Yet they absolutely CANNOT be thrown out or disposed of.
My mum is desperate for him to sort the house out, tidy it up and so on but he insists he doesn't have time. Admittedly he works long hours, four days a week on a physically demanding job and he is exhausted when he gets home from work. He has actually fallen asleep literally while eating his evening meal after work, but he does get three-day weekends which I'm sure he could use at least part of to sort things out.
He refuses to be told by my mum that he should sort the house out. "I don't have the time" or "I'm too tired when I get home from work" are his excuses. And when I try to talk to him about it I just get berated for being disrespectful. He's the father, I'm the son, and I've got no right telling him what he should be doing.
From here I can only see two ways out. Either he has to realise and acknowledge that he has a problem, or my mam and I should leave him. It's looking increasingly like the latter. Does anyone have any advice on how to get him to confront his problems, or would you say that the only course of action is for us to leave?
Hope you can help.
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