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Advice/Help with my OCD

N

Noaaaa

New member
Joined
May 26, 2019
Messages
2
Location
England
Hi this is my first time posting here so bare with me :p Sorry if this is too long or short - I just really need help fast

I am not diagnosed with OCD, but with my history of compulsive hand washing, germ avoiding, plug checking, repetitive behaviour and intrusive thoughts make it pretty clear to my parents and I that I have OCD.
I am having trouble with a particular horrible intrusive thought that is taking over my life:

I think that I am/will become a murderer:

Very often, whenever I see news or programmes about someone being killed, I get terrible intrusive thoughts that stick with me for sometimes months after. The main point being : I think that I could kill someone. Now don't get me wrong - deep down I have no interest in killing someone, I'm a nice person and I always want to help people. However, I always think to myself : 'If someone else is capable of doing something that terrible to someone, then what if I can/will do it too'. This always ends in a spiral of terrible thoughts usually consisting of: 'The fact that you're even thinking this means you're a psychopath' , 'You ARE GOING to kill someone' followed by doubts regarding my kind nature and then pictures being forced into my head of me killing someone. This is followed by CONSTANT and horrible stomach ache and a persisting butterfly feeling in my stomach. This is not like me at all and the last thing I want to do is kill, hurt or make anyone uncomfortable in any way. These thoughts, pictures and feelings make it impossible for me to focus on school or work, and ruin my life and day as well as making interaction with other people, friends and family members impossibly hard to deal with (on top of the social issues any normal teenager has). My mum always says : 'the fact that these thoughts eat you up means that you obviously wouldn't do it', but my brain won't listen and the thoughts and trauma that follows continues.
I have exams coming up, and the thought of juggling all the revision and stress that is coming my way with what seems life destroying OCD is terrifying me.
Furthermore, and I don't know if this is related or not, but any news to do with sad events like murders or kidnappings tend to stick with me for weeks and weeks after, often destroying my mood even further due to shear sadness and remorse following the sad news. This couples with the intrusive thoughts and makes it INCREDIBLY hard to relax and sleep and forces me to consider my own place within the world with my family which results in me becoming extremely upset and worried about the death of the people I love so much, and how much it would destroy me if anyone I knew, loved or liked died.
How do I get rid of these feelings and thoughts for good, because this is not who I am.
 
N

Neverhappy

Active member
Joined
May 26, 2019
Messages
38
Location
Essex
Hi lovely....
Im so glad that I am here to tell you I totally relate to this.
I wont go into much detail but I lost a family member to homicide and for ages its bothered me about what it takes to do such a despicable thing. I too worry if I could commit such a thing (same as you, knowing thats stupid and would never happen)
Ive also during my anxious years been worried I would pick up a knife and kill one of my kids. That somehow I would lose my mind, do it and then come back to my senses! But the very worst I had was telling myself I might become a peadophile. This bothered me immensly as I have 3 gorgeous bubs. (All grown up now at 21,18 and 11) thats how many years ago it was. That horrible thought and the others overwhelmed me and made me anxious. I made the difficult decision of opening up this worry to my counsellor and she said thats normal. Its usually your worst fear that becomes a dark thought and plays tricks on you. I also know one other person who confided these thoughts to me after I confessed first.
She told me one thing that has stuck with me, you have not lost your mind if you are wondering if you have! Because those that lose their mind dont question it. Everything they do is normal to them because they cant rationalise things.
It sounds like you do have OCD. I had this years ago and it was sk time consuming. A lot of people use the word so easily but usually you are completing rituals in order to AVOID something happening. For example im an emetophobe so my rituals were ," if you dont do this so many times you will be sick". Usually a special number is involved too. The number of times a ritual is carried out.
Please dont panic. If you dont want to get therapy then all I can suggest is really educating yourself about OCD and anxiety and phobias as they often merge and present themselves at certain times. I felt a lot better after understanding why. I dont know to this day how I got out of it, but even now I will catch myself thinking "move that or you will get sick" and because I know about it, and the minds games, I can tell myself to shut up. If you need to chat im here! Hope ive helped :)
 
N

Neverhappy

Active member
Joined
May 26, 2019
Messages
38
Location
Essex
I also am disturbed by news stories. But oddly find myself looking more!!!
 
N

Noaaaa

New member
Joined
May 26, 2019
Messages
2
Location
England
Hi lovely....
Im so glad that I am here to tell you I totally relate to this.
I wont go into much detail but I lost a family member to homicide and for ages its bothered me about what it takes to do such a despicable thing. I too worry if I could commit such a thing (same as you, knowing thats stupid and would never happen)
Ive also during my anxious years been worried I would pick up a knife and kill one of my kids. That somehow I would lose my mind, do it and then come back to my senses! But the very worst I had was telling myself I might become a peadophile. This bothered me immensly as I have 3 gorgeous bubs. (All grown up now at 21,18 and 11) thats how many years ago it was. That horrible thought and the others overwhelmed me and made me anxious. I made the difficult decision of opening up this worry to my counsellor and she said thats normal. Its usually your worst fear that becomes a dark thought and plays tricks on you. I also know one other person who confided these thoughts to me after I confessed first.
She told me one thing that has stuck with me, you have not lost your mind if you are wondering if you have! Because those that lose their mind dont question it. Everything they do is normal to them because they cant rationalise things.
It sounds like you do have OCD. I had this years ago and it was sk time consuming. A lot of people use the word so easily but usually you are completing rituals in order to AVOID something happening. For example im an emetophobe so my rituals were ," if you dont do this so many times you will be sick". Usually a special number is involved too. The number of times a ritual is carried out.
Please dont panic. If you dont want to get therapy then all I can suggest is really educating yourself about OCD and anxiety and phobias as they often merge and present themselves at certain times. I felt a lot better after understanding why. I dont know to this day how I got out of it, but even now I will catch myself thinking "move that or you will get sick" and because I know about it, and the minds games, I can tell myself to shut up. If you need to chat im here! Hope ive helped :)
You don't understand how much you have helped me. To hear that someone has had the exact same disturbing thoughts and has come out of it positively helps me so much. Thank you so so much
 
N

Neverhappy

Active member
Joined
May 26, 2019
Messages
38
Location
Essex
You are welcome! You are perfectly normal, just having intrusive thoughts!
 
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