Advice for depressed and suicidal friend

B

Bondbuddy21

New member
Joined
Dec 30, 2018
Messages
1
#1
Hello, I have a future brother in law who will be the best man at my wedding in just a months time. His wife left him just 2 weeks ago and moved with their son to another city. Unfortunately, my fiance’s brother suffers from depression and a multitude of physical ailments despite being only 34. The day she left we had to 5150 him after he went missing for 10 hours and wrote several goodbye emails and txts to his family. He hasn’t seen her since but clearly has delusions of a romantic reunion that will NEVER happen. Additionally, he is unemployed and is in serious debt. His little sister also just got engaged. He is supposed to be an anti-depressants and had to complete mandatory group therapy from the 5150 but we haven’t seen any improvements. He was convinced she would come to our destination anyhow because their son is the ring bearer. She broke the news that she would not be attending but he STILL thinks she will come. His in-laws will still attend because they will be bringing the son there and back. I fear if she doesn’t come and her parents do, everyone will ask where she is and he will be triggered and embarassed by the truth. If she does come I fear he will be triggered because she will be keeping a distance and people will notice. When he is triggered I can only compare his behavior to tantrums: a lot of crying and loud and obnoxious swearing in public, yelling- including to and in front of his son, fleeing for long amounts of time and not responding to messages. He simply cannot or does not control his behavior when he is feeling emotional and I am just afraid we are setting him and ourselves up for a volatile situation that will involve a lot of alcohol.

If you were in his situation how would you want your family to help you? He is very stubborn and says what you want to hear but ultimately does whatever he wants. He is also manipulative and emotionally abusive- he doesn’t care if the attention he is receiving is good or bad.

Ultimately, should he be removed from the situation entirely, would it make it worse? Should he just be a guest? Should we ask her parents not to come and make other travel arrangements for his son?

We are at our wits end with very little time. We are very concerned for him but we do only have this one day. Please help!
 
Last edited:
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2015
Messages
8,625
Location
basketville
#2
oh i am so so very sorry that this is happening. i would say this has been brewing for a while as these things never just happen well rarely.

your future brother in law ..by not facing things as they actually are has made things very difficult for himself. and i imagine he never shared any of this to others and so it built up. he sounds like he needs ongoing counselling. which until and unless he starts to talk about what is going on in his life and taking some ownership of it then he will just keep going further down the rabbit hole. and i guess is why his wife could no longer cope. we all have our breaking points.

gosh what a tricky situation reg his drinking gee actually he sounds very selfish and self centred and its coming home to roost- sorry but i just had to say that eeek.

he does indeed sound stubborn and a big manipulator. and really unless he actually goes and gets help himself then ...and i would advise you not to take on his problems as he sounds like he brings other people down with him. Best to set and keep boundaries with him from the get go.

gee what a dilema reg him being at the wedding. well short of reading the riot act of acceptable behaviour or barring him. neither of which...not nice to have someone like this for what is supposed to be a happy event. unless you have someone that can make him leave if ...then best not to...

already the focus is off you and on to someone who has indicated that he doesnt want to help himself sorry if that sounds harsh but this is what i picked up reading this post.
 
H

harsh-reality

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
264
Location
England
#3
I am not sure how to approach this.

Its a horrible scenario for you and your partner to face just before your big day.

So often there is some kind of drama but although I can totally see this man is lost and has suffered a terrible loss in his life recently and he has gone AWOL a little - its your and your partners big day and its down to the two of you as its your day and you wish it to go along without a hitch.

I don't really agree with blacksmoke in that he is self centred and attention seeking - it appears one of many ways in which deep depression can pan out with people and he is actually also extremely lucky that you and your partner are thinking about how the day will affect him as opposed to yourselves.

If it were possible to allow him not be best man and if someone else could step in and you could say to him - we do appreciate how tough things are for you and we feel with potential people not being there and the way it could make him feel - we would rather not put pressure on you to be best man because we feel its too much pressure for you right now with what you have been through and perhaps you could ask him - if you can - how you feel if she did not turn up ie his ex.

Its tricky though I completely see. He is as you described unstable right now and much as you would love him to be happy unfortunately this will have had a massive impact on him currently.

CRikey though its a tough situation.

But remember its yours and your partners day and I hope however it works out and whoever attends and whoever completes best man duties etc - you do have a lovely day and it is both of your days and you want it to be as lovely as possible - a lot of us have had suicidal thoughts and feelings particularly when something major has or is happening but the percentage that do something is still quite minimal and although yes its horrible to hear of a close relative being unwell again its your day.

My advice first would be is there someone who could ask him if he is in contact with any mental health services support - it sounds like he needs more professional help currently and hopefully he can see that as a positive option and then that will take the onus of you and your partner feeling responsible for him and they maybe able intervene and ask the difficult questions that especially at this time that you and your partner currently would find extremely challenging.


But yes however it works out - hope the big day itself is not affected.


I do hope it goes well.:hug1:
 

Similar threads