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Advice for dealing with/reacting to my new girlfriend?

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neverknownuthin

New member
Joined
Mar 10, 2015
Messages
3
Hi everyone, first post. I joined to ask if you guys could help me out with what exactly I need to expect and do with my new girlfriend. She's a great girl, but has been diagnosed with quite a few disorders. The ones I can think of off the top of my head are ocd, bipolar, bpd, anxiety, and chronic suicidality, which I read is a big part of the bpd. I think this one might be her biggest issue so that's why I chose this subforum, sorry if I'm in the wrong place.

So last night was the first bad night I've experienced with her. She text me in the evening saying she's had a bad day, and has felt very suicidal all day. She takes her meds daily, but says that she has days where the feelings are stronger than the meds, and she just has to push through it for a couple days til it passes. She's assured me she wouldn't actually do it, and would check herself in before that, and I believe her.
It was just hard and scary to hear the woman I've started developing feelings for say all this. When I asked her what goes through her head when she feels that way, she said it's just an overwhelming need to be dead, a need that needs to be filled. I've never heard of anything like that and it hurt to hear. She's accepted that the way she will die will be one day she takes her own life. Now I know she won't do that because of her niece and nephew, but how old will they be when she thinks it's ok to do it?

Anyways, if anyone has any insight or advice for me, it would really be appreciated. I just want to find a way to help make it a little easier for her when she has bad days :/
 
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Saranoya

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2012
Messages
152
Your description of your girlfriend's "bad days" is very recognizable to me. Sometimes, I wake up in the morning knowing that if I'm not careful, I may very well end up doing something stupid before nightfall. It's not that I really want to die. It's just that, as you write, I occasionally have an overwhelming urge to just be dead. It begins as a single thought among many. But as the day goes on, my focus narrows, until self-destruction is the only objective I have room for.

It sounds to me like your girlfriend, for now, has a pretty good handle on things. She knows that all she has to do is "tough it out" for a few hours or a few days, and then it will pass. She has reasons to live (niece, nephew). I assume that if she has made it through bad days like these without professional intervention a few times, that means she already has some coping strategies that work for her at the worst of times. Maybe you can add some. I have a few ideas, but the first thing you should do is ask your girlfriend: when you are going through something like this, how can I help? If she isn't used to being cared for, she may have to think about that for a while. Let her. I know that feeling helpless is extremely unpleasant, especially when you're feeling helpless while watching someone you love go through a bad patch. Unfortunately, though, if you choose someone with any kind of chronic condition as a partner, that's just going to be part of the deal.

Let me give you one suggestion that may or may not turn out to be helpful. If you're worried about what will happen when the children are "old enough", maybe you could ask her, on a good day, to write a letter to herself. In it, she might describe why, to her, life is worth living. She will not be able to write anything like that on her bad days. On those days, she may not even *really* believe that the things she has written are true. But if you know that such a letter exists, and where she keeps it, then perhaps you can remind her, at the most desperate of times, to read through it once, and just find a single element she can hold on to. For a few hours. Then you remind her again, if need be.

This gives you the idea that you've "done something" to help her, and it will add another coping mechanism to her repertoire, assuming she doesn't have something similar already.

By the way, here's my "doomsday letter", if it helps:

This is not a goodbye note. I have too many dreams left.

There are small, nearly bite-sized projects. A trip to the US. To go sit-skiing in the Alps. To sail "to the other side", perhaps with myself at the helm, even if only for a little while. There are mid-term projects. A book, written by me, and perhaps even published some day. Thousands of pages full of piano music that I've never heard before. Maybe, in the not too distant future, music written by myself. There's also that one big dream: to find my place in the world. A job that means something. A place to call home and, who knows, someone to share it with.

I've never had a lack of dreams -- neither the small, nor the big ones. I've always wanted plenty of things, preferably all at once, and I have had the opportunity to realize a fair number of them. I've fought for that, as wel, and that's how it should be, for I know: that which comes without effort isn't worth much. And yes, I have failed often. But that's true for most people I know. No life is ever truly finished. For as long as I'm open to it, I can keep growing, in directions I can't (yet) foresee, but which will no doubt be very rewarding.

Reasons to live, I have in abundance. If, in a few weeks or months or years, there comes another moment in which I've run out of hope; if I stop believing that a setback is just one missed stepping stone on a path full of alternatives; if I start doubting that tomorrow will be better than today; if I no longer seem capable of anything (not even, simply, to survive) ... then that is just one moment in my life. I am working on a lot of my dreams. I am studying at university, again, just so I'll be able to pat myself on the back some day for having done it, but also: on my way to a more meaningful career. Today, I have a broader network, more outstretched hands surrounding me, than ever before. And slowly, step by step, I am learning that I am not a loner, and I don't have to be. They way other people need me, I need other people.

And so, this is not a goodbye note. It's not the end. It's a beginning.
Just to give you an idea of what I mean ...

If your girlfriend's not the writing type, then maybe she'd rather express her hopes for the future in a painting, a series of photographs, a pastiche of other people's song lyrics, or ... anything, really. As long as it gets the message across when it's most needed. And that message is: hold on. You have things to look forward to. You're just having some temporary difficulties seeing them, right now.
 
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neverknownuthin

New member
Joined
Mar 10, 2015
Messages
3
Thank you so much for your reply. And I'm sorry you go through this too, it was hard to hear about it, I can't imagine what it feels like to go through it. And apparently this wasn't even that bad of a day according to her lol.

I know right now she is stressed, because a friend of hers that has a lot of the same issues started a program and the hospital wanted my gf to watch her and keep all her pills, but her friend wouldn't let her. I assume that stress dint help any of it. But I asked her since she has to watch her and take care of her, who takes care of you? And she said no one. So I'm hoping she realizes that I'm here to help so she doesn't get overwhelmed.

Oh and I hope your note helps you on your bad days, maybe one of these days I can see if she'd be into something like that :)
 
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neverknownuthin

New member
Joined
Mar 10, 2015
Messages
3
(Sorry if double posts are frowned apon) thanks nikita for the reply. I appreciate the support. I'll keep all that in mind :)
 
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