• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Advice appreciated

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WeeCarter

New member
Joined
Jul 5, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Scotland
Hi everyone, I don't really know the correct place to post this so I guess I'll put it in the newbies section.

It's difficult for me to tell people solely the facts and not go into a tedious amount of detail so apologies if this takes a while to read.

I didn't get on well with my family growing up but of course I loved them. We were a classic broken dysfunctional family, my dad had an affair that destroyed the marriage, my mum liked abusive men and my siblings and I fought constantly with my mother unable to control us or hold down a steady job. In the early years I was exposed to a lot of things that forced me to grow up quickly, between my crazy obsessive dad refusing to let my mum go easily and my mums abusive partners frightening me and my siblings I really struggled to find a decent male role model growing up.

I had a lot of friends as I got into my teenage years, like most kids we got up to all sorts of trouble, minor vandalism, fighting with kids from other towns, drugs chasing the girls that hung about with us etc... Unlike my friends however I didn't drink alcohol, I behaved like a drunk sober, they would wake up and feel embarrassed about things we'd done or said the night before due to the drink whereas I found it funny and was proud of being a troublemaker.

As we approached the age of 17 my friends were starting to grow up a bit more, still acting up with a drink in them but without it they were looking forward, education, future careers, discovering new interests and meeting people outwith our usual group. Through this expansion I met my first obsession (girl 1), I lost my virginity to her and I honestly thought I was in love, she on the other hand liked one of my friends. I knew this but I didn't let it stop me pursuing her no matter how much it would hurt me along the way. She knew I would do anything for her and kept me at arms length for whenever she needed a favour. For about a year I tortured myself with this set up, occasionally getting some sort of physical contact when she felt low herself and that would encourage me to keep following her about like a puppy.

One night at a party I met another girl, she was 18, had a job, attended college, smart, beautiful and she seemed quite keen to get to know me. We slept together that night and spent the rest of the night talking. We exchanged numbers and a very normal relationship started, we would talk for hours on the phone, make plans to hook up, she met my family and would spend the night at mine regularly. She wasn't like the girls I tended to hang around with, she was very independent and thoughtful, bit of a drama queen with some alcohol but what 18yo girl isn't. For some reason though I was still ready to drop her for the other girl 1 whenever she rang. This is about the time when I started to drink. I became so confident having 2 girls on the go that I started to want more, I liked the way that others viewed me at the time, 'a tough ladies man' is what I convinced myself I was how the really viewed me is probably a lot different. Anyway Girl 2 was still on the go and still infatuated with me completely unaware of my infidelities and for whatever reason I decided to be horrible towards her. I got drunk at her party and intimidated her male friends, insulted her female ones and passed out on the couch. I argued with her sister and even her dad at one point so her family weren't exactly fans of the 'nice boy' she'd initially met. She eventually confronted me about my feelings for Girl 1 and I reacted by kicking her out of my house and having my mum take her home even though she was crying and apologising. We didn't speak for months until a friend of mine burned my house down which resulted in me not being invited to live with my family anymore. True to her nature she contacted me with concern and we agreed to remain friends, something which I would abuse whenever I got drunk and decide to call her up looking for sex (which I don't think she ever granted me).

This is where I seriously descended into drunken madness. I would frequently get blackout drunk and fight people or try my luck with girls. One night Girl 2 was at a party, I phoned her, she invited me up and I proceeded to start a fight with some of the guys in the house, we were both asked to leave of course. Not long after this at another party I decided to tell her about my infidelities that occurred whilst we were together and again unsuccessfully tried my luck. That was the last time we spoke. She blocked me off of Facebook and told me to never contact her again, understandably.

I spent the next couple of years getting blackout drunk on a nightly basis, partying, one night stands, working shitty jobs and sofa surfing between my dads 1 bedroom flat and various friends when my dad and I had been fighting. Girl 2 never crossed my mind.

I eventually met another girl that broke my heart. I liked her a lot and tried to treat her how I'd treated girl 2 but she recognised the behaviour and quickly cut me out. I was devastated and decided to never try to treat a woman like that again.

A short while later I met my current girlfriend, we've been together for 8 years. I fell for her quickly, she's my saviour in a way. She comes from a good family who were always kind to me, even when I rolled up drunk at midnight, they never judged me and wanted to hear my story. They encouraged me to pursue interests and when I decided to return to education and fix the mess I'd made for myself they filled me with confidence. I stopped associating with the people that encouraged bad behaviour and I soon finished education with distinctions and awards for best student, even after my dad died of alcoholism I remained focused on being better. I started working in landscaping and was quickly promoted. Everyone that used to know me comments on what I nice guy I am and how they can't believe its me, which is nice and I frequently offer apologies for my past behaviours when given the opportunity. My girlfriend and I moved into a flat together after a year or so, I stopped drinking as much and I now know my limits and after several years we have just bought a house and I've finally acquired my dream job working for a government agency in Landscape and forestry Management. We are planning to start a family together soon and I could not be happier with the way things have turned out with the exception of Girl 2.

She hates me, to this day and there is no one that I feel I owe an apology to more than her but I'm too afraid to try. About 2 years ago she entered my mind when I heard a song, I found her Instagram and sent her a follow request, which after a week or so she accepted but I didn't have the balls to follow up with an apology. Before that interaction I hadn't seen her for about 3 years where I walked past her and she laughed at me, so I figured the sight of me might still trigger a negative emotional response in her which I wouldn't want her to have to go through. Also my girlfriend can be jealous and would probably view an attempt at redemption as something more so the whole thing would need to be done without her knowledge which is also wrong in my opinion.

Recently for whatever reason I can't stop thinking about Girl2, I really want her to see I'm sorry and that I'm ashamed, truly ashamed of the scum that I became whilst she knew me but I don't want to open up old wounds for her or betray my girlfriends trust. I feel that for my redemption to become complete I need to make this apology but maybe I'm wrong, maybe the apology isnt for her and as it was when I knew her this is all about me getting what I want. Maybe this is my punishment and maybe this is what I deserve. Periodical depression and shame for my past behaviours.

From what I've seen/heard she's doing really well, she finished uni and moved to a good job on the other side of the world, I'm really happy for her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Sorry again for the long post, take care.
 
ColdandAlone

ColdandAlone

Member
Joined
Jul 5, 2020
Messages
16
Location
UK
I honestly have no advice, I just wanted you know that your voice had been heard, I know that helps, knowing that someone has listened and shown interest in you. I am so very happy you have turned your life around, that took some serious guts and effort and you should me immensely proud of yourself. Good luck with whatever you decide to do
 
EverybodyHurts

EverybodyHurts

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 2, 2020
Messages
359
Location
Bucks
I don't want to give you advice as to what you should do, because only you can make that decision, but I can maybe give a view from Girl 2's perspective as I have been in a similar type of relationship.
It is good that you feel remorseful - it shows that you ARE a good person, and the stable relationship you have now shows you learned from those mistakes, so that's fantastic. I can only hope that my ex has done (or will eventually do) the same.
But would I want him to apologise to me for those mistakes? I'm not so sure. It can take a long time to move on from the pain of being treated like that (sorry - don't want you to feel more guilty, just being honest), and I for one would not welcome it all being brought to the surface again. I can forgive, but not forget. And will never trust him again. I wish him well, and he will always be in my thoughts, but I definitely don't want to see him, or have him encroach on my life via messaging (whether by phone or social media (not that I'm on there anymore). The only thing I might accept is a letter. An old-fashioned, snail-mail hand-written letter. Posted, not given in person. Something that I could choose whether or not to read, and in my own time. But I would not respond to it if I did read it. Not because I hate him, but because it's been a long road to get to a place of healing, and I want to stay there.

Best wishes to you
 
W

WeeCarter

New member
Joined
Jul 5, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Scotland
I honestly have no advice, I just wanted you know that your voice had been heard, I know that helps, knowing that someone has listened and shown interest in you. I am so very happy you have turned your life around, that took some serious guts and effort and you should me immensely proud of yourself. Good luck with whatever you decide to do
Thank you, you're right it does help. After posting this earlier I instantly felt some relief and the knowledge that someone has taken the time to read it (including all of my grammatical errors) and respond in the way that you have is even better. Thank you.
 
W

WeeCarter

New member
Joined
Jul 5, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Scotland
I don't want to give you advice as to what you should do, because only you can make that decision, but I can maybe give a view from Girl 2's perspective as I have been in a similar type of relationship.
It is good that you feel remorseful - it shows that you ARE a good person, and the stable relationship you have now shows you learned from those mistakes, so that's fantastic. I can only hope that my ex has done (or will eventually do) the same.
But would I want him to apologise to me for those mistakes? I'm not so sure. It can take a long time to move on from the pain of being treated like that (sorry - don't want you to feel more guilty, just being honest), and I for one would not welcome it all being brought to the surface again. I can forgive, but not forget. And will never trust him again. I wish him well, and he will always be in my thoughts, but I definitely don't want to see him, or have him encroach on my life via messaging (whether by phone or social media (not that I'm on there anymore). The only thing I might accept is a letter. An old-fashioned, snail-mail hand-written letter. Posted, not given in person. Something that I could choose whether or not to read, and in my own time. But I would not respond to it if I did read it. Not because I hate him, but because it's been a long road to get to a place of healing, and I want to stay there.

Best wishes to you
Thanks for taking the time to read my poorly written story and offering your view. Im sorry someone behaved like this towards you also, if it helps I can only say I never had any malice towards Girl2 I was just young, angry and totally obsessed with my own image/reputation. I always thought highly of her and would defend her if anyone said anything negative about her, I was a drunk, not realising what I was doing to her and others. Perhaps your ex was similar in that his lack of consideration and not necessarily trying to hurt you. I am sorry regardless, I can imagine it wasn't easy.

Your response is helpful however, to get a victim's perspective (I hope you don't mind that term for the purposes of this post). I think you're right, she won't want to hear from me and to be honest I don't think I'll attempt to contact her. She moved on with her life a long, long time ago and to her I'm probably no more than an awful memory. For her sake I think I'll just suffer and try not to let it affect my life with my partner now, relief from this obsessive depression comes and goes and as stated in my original post this might just be a fitting punishment. To be cliché, you can't escape your past and mine was self inflicted.

Thanks again, I hope you're ex realises his own mistakes and sends you that letter.
 
EverybodyHurts

EverybodyHurts

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 2, 2020
Messages
359
Location
Bucks
I think you are making the right decision 🙂
Please don't beat yourself up about the past though, and try to forgive yourself. You were young, and it is easy to make mistakes when we're still trying to figure out ourselves, and the world in general. But you have learned from those mistakes and built a much healthier life for yourself and those around you.
I apologise if you thought I was insinuating that you treated her badly all of the time, as that wasn't my intention. My ex could be extremely loving and generous and brought a lot of joy to me at times. But the binge-drinking, womanising, and ghosting/coming back cycle was very destructive, so as much as I loved him, I'm glad (now at least!) that it ended. The good memories still linger though, and I have forgiven him for the past. I hope that he has forgiven himself also, if he has felt the remorse.
Oh, and it wasn't "poorly written". Not at all 🙂
 
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