Adoption n feeling lost

W

Whatdididosobad

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Sep 15, 2018
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#1
I feel at 52 I should have got a grip on my situation but I'm just getting worse. I was adopted by my grandparents told at 7 that my birth mother was who I thought was my sister. My dad/grandad died when I was 8 and since then life has just been existing. I was neglected after my dad died as my adopted mother was grieving this brash vile birth mother started visiting after dad died and I hated her I hated my mum for allowing this I hurt so bad my dad had left me in this madness as I spent so much time with him. I did not belive he was dead for a few years I thought he had left my mum as she was just not there for me. I would stay in my room or go out on my bike in those days it was safe cars were not as fast and not as many weirdos. It felt like I must not get close to these people I'm left with they will let you down my adopted mother would say it was your dad that wanted to bring you home I had a good job and had to give it up because of you.
Nobody sees that this sweet woman is all people see she never supported me never hugged me I was just there. She's very old now and I just feel so much of a dissapoitment I can't manage a relationship I can't be around family without feeling like I don't belong I'm just not good enough I was assessed by mental heath and told I have an emotional disorder birth mother has often said I wish I had had an abortion with you as I don't acknowledge her as my mother just this irritation that visits every so often I play happy families till I have to retreat away from it. I just don't fit in do I move away from them all and just except it all can that help me. I have lovely friends but even they are just so sickly sweet and all I want to do is scream and scream just recently. I have always been a good nan always but my kids think I'm mental to the point that cause I tell them how I feel I'm just being stupid or I'm paranoid. If I won 10 million pounds on lottery and lost 1 pound of it they would all make such a big deal of the lost pound rather than seeing what's left if that explains them. I parked other day and my tyre was just up on curb just about an inch and a picture was taken and circulated I only passed recently I don't even like driving but love the freedom it gives me to not be beholden to them for lifts or even asking for a lift though I always used to pay them much more than petrol cost but always felt a burden. Right now I'm feeling broken to the point of thinking enough is enough walk away see how they manage all of them including adopted mum then I feel guilty for that and nobody would truly understand why I left just me being me moody and not part of anything. I do the right things I'm told to I keep secrets I don't lie that might be a downfall that I probably can't lie n tell the truth if I think your nasty it's silly o'clock in the morning sorry I'm just ranting I can't sleep properly at moment so much is going through my head. I'm being assessed again soon as they forgot me and didn't send me for counciling I needed apologised. Am I the only person who wishes that if I had just gone to a couple who really wanted me my life could have been more normal and happier and loved how can you love properly if you don't feel loved yourself sorry for long post if you have got to end of it
 

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