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Admitting I am depressed

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purple_elephants

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Apr 26, 2012
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Yeah, I finally realized it today, my depression is back, and it isn't good. I have had suicidal thoughts since Saturday night. They are not really severe, like I am going to listen, but they are still present nonetheless. I am hoping after my mental health evaluation I am to have tomorrow for SSI that I will get better, but I don't know.

I did call my pdoc today, who is out until Monday, and someone else called me back, but I was sleeping, as my sleep schedule is all screwed up too. I will call them back tomorrow.

I am awake bc I don't want to try and sleep and have to listen to the stupid thoughts in my head telling me to do stupid things, so I stay awake. I just cooked some veggie chili just for something to do.
 
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amber1

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Sorry to hear you're going through the mill p-e. Well done for cooking the veggie chilli, I am having problems even eating at the moment, something I used to love. I'm a vegetarian by the way. So did the SSI evaluation happen, how did it go?
 
StillFighting

StillFighting

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Dec 28, 2014
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I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time :hug1: I think it's a big step that you realized that, and seeking for help.

I know what you're saying about staying awake at night, I do that too quite often in order to avoid all the thoughts that keep rushing in my head, once I turn off the lights. Try to take good care of yourself, let us know how your appt goes :hug:
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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I know how difficult it can be when sleep patterns go to pot. Just wanted to wish you luck for your SSI evaluation. I hope all goes well and that you're feeling better soon.
 
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purple_elephants

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Amber1- I kept me distracted, more than me wanting to eat it though. I am a big lover of food, so this sucks for us both it seems.

Oh, the eval- blah.

I was a pressured speaking, bouncing, anxious, forgetful moron. I think it helped that I could remember squat, and he said that there is no doubt after meeting me, and hearing my history, that I have BP. I hope that helps. I had my Mother with me to help, and he was amused at our banter at what I forgot, or what I think I was right about, and totally wasn't with how I am when ill. I made him laigh a few times, and he was nice, so it wasn't too horrible, but I don't want to do it again. I was still shaking, nauseous, racing thoughts, so I took a Xanax an hour ago and am calmer finally.
 
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purple_elephants

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Still fighting- yup. I know it's bad when friends say to call, and I actually do so. I think it is a mixed episode with anxiety, but that's my best guess.

Thank you, you get that!! My family and friends are like you need to sleep better, just try to do so, you'll get better faster if you have a healthier sleep schedule. Do they now know that we do KNOW this, but our brains don't want to do it?!

I replied to amber and in it I wrote about the eval.
 
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purple_elephants

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Purple Chaos- Great name.

Thank you, you too get it. I wrote about my eval in my reply Amber1's message. It wasn't horrible, but totally not cool either. Thank you, I hope so too.
 
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purple_elephants

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Oh, the eval- blah. He asked in the beginning how I was, and I went "pffftttt". He shakes his head, and goes, I can't write THAT down, can you explain? Not a bad beginning when he could have chastised me. I had to wait an hour in a packed waiting room with other people all close by, noisy radio playing, and the receptionist singing along (in Spanish). I literally had to go outside and walk around I was so full of nervous energy, and pissed off being there. My mother, who went with me, told him I had to leave because I was just so anxious. I also paced the waiting room when it emptied some, as I couldn't just sit and wait.

He said that I had pressured speech, asked if I knew how fast I was talking compared to them, I seemed anxious/ nervous, whereas I felt like a bouncing, anxious, forgetful moron. I think it helped that I could remember squat, and he said that there is no doubt after meeting me, and hearing my history, that I have BP. I hope that helps. I had my Mother with me to help, and he was amused at our banter at what I forgot, or what I think I was right about, and totally wasn't with how I am when ill. I made him laugh a few times, and he was nice, so it wasn't too horrible, but I don't want to do it again. I was still shaking, nauseous, racing thoughts, so I took a Xanax an hour ago and am calmer finally.

Now I have to wait to hear what the SSI review folks decide. More anxiety.
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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Purple Chaos- Great name.

Thank you, you too get it. I wrote about my eval in my reply Amber1's message. It wasn't horrible, but totally not cool either. Thank you, I hope so too.
Any name with purple included has to be good :)

I'm glad that your evaluation went okayish. It must have been a relief to just get it over with. Do you have to wait long to hear about results/decisions?
 
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purple_elephants

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purple is my favorite color :).

It did go pretty well, overall. I forgot things to tell him, medical and mental both. I hope that won't hurt my case. It is the government, so it is a "hurry up, and wait" type of situation. the doctor didn't know when I will hear back either.
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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Well I wish you luck and hope that you don't have to wait too long. If you feel as though something important has been left out, can you send in further evidence, or is it just based on the evaluation?

Whichever, I hope the result is a positive one.
 
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purple_elephants

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Purple chaos, yes, me too.

I don't think I can add anything else now, as I had to fill out pages of information about my mental and physical problems, meds I was and am on currently, my doctors, etc. He will write out his report and send it off to the review folks, and then I will hear back as to their decision. He also said that everyone has to be reviewed at some point, which I knew, but mine just happened to be picked to be done a bit earlier then others, and was probably randomly picked to be done early AND to be reviewed in person. Lucky me.

Thanks for the luck.
 
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