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Adapting to being single for life

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Lundi_Hvalursson

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Sep 4, 2019
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52
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San Francisco, USA
Following my very long first thread here about being single/virgin at almost age 30 (my 30th birthday is this Thursday), I was wondering about choosing to resign myself to be single for life. It is another path, but I was thinking about how I have a lot of quirks and difficulties that would make probably well over 95% of eligible women not want to have anything to do with me. In addition to Asperger's, I have generalised anxiety, social anxiety, OCD and can fall into depression when the situation changes.

As much as I want a girlfriend, I notice that I feel much less stress when I am alone and talk to no one. I do feel painfully and depressively lonely many times, but there is a certain calmness that I get when I am alone and do not have to worry about anyone else or about offending a girlfriend/wife. When I am alone, I can just be me, whether anyone approves of it or not.

Has anyone with ASD (or even without) considered resigning themselves to being single instead of trying hard to not be single and continuously failing?
 
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Zoe1

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Jul 8, 2019
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oh yes definitely
I pined for a relationship for so long
and now I'm not sure if I really want one
like you I would find it difficult to accommodate
and I'm also hopeless at housework

not that you can know the future though
its not that people will reject you because of your diagnosis
I dont think it works like that

and I dont tell people my diagnosis
before thy have had a chance to get to know me
and very few people ive trusted with it

also this is your leisure time we are talking about
its none of peoples business if you are a virgin
and some people might find it endearing
 
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Lundi_Hvalursson

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San Francisco, USA
I am good at housework, in fact I am obsessed with cleanliness to the point that I vacuum, wipe, etc. every few days. But I wash my hands a lot, sometimes taking over five minutes to wash my hands. People in general find that really weird, and I am sure that most eligible women would find it annoying.

In terms of loneliness, I feel lonely but at the same time calmer, because I know that I am a weird person and can be weird alone instead of trying to adapt my behaviour to normal or explain my weirdness to a girlfriend.
 
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Zoe1

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I agree that you dont want to be explaining yourself

but I dont live in a world
where people are seen as ' eligible '

im not a young lady looking to make a family !
someone is eligible if they happen to be the right person
ive seen all sorts of people find happy relationships

so at the end of the day you dont really know
whats round the corner
 
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Lundi_Hvalursson

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Sep 4, 2019
Messages
52
Location
San Francisco, USA
I guess that the word that fits better is "compatible". I meant "eligible" as in a woman that would have things in common and would be accepting. So far, at least here, I have not found anyone even remotely close to this description. Most whom I have met are basically the polar opposite of myself.

Of course the future is unknown. The problem is that I think "maybe tomorrow will be better" and I have said this to myself for decades. Yet nothing seems to happen, hence my question. Or maybe I am just thinking too much about it.
 
hicks

hicks

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A galaxy, far far away..
If it's any consolation, I often wish I'd remained alone and not had kids. If that sounds a truly awful thing to say, you should see the misery and difficulties I've inflicted on my daughter, from her inheriting my social problems and anxiety. You think you have problems with OCD. Daughter takes upwards of 30 minutes to wash hands! There's always someone in a worse situation.
Don't know if this gives you any kind of solace, but there are good things about staying single. Your life is much less complicated for a start.
 
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Vulcan Spock

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Oct 22, 2019
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I am in my mid fifties. I never had a serious relationship and was never married(obviously since I never had a real relationship). I have always been too messed up to actually have a deep relationship with anyone even though when I was younger I wanted one and it caused me great emotional pain at times. I am not a virgin though. But I used to think like you are--always thinking that you have to have a relationship or get married because everyone else is doing it and its the key to make you whole and not unhappy anymore etc...It's called idealization.

Sure it is difficult with feelings of loneliness and despair at times especially when younger. But most people I know or have known that are in relationships, they don't last long, they eventually want out of it, or it becomes very difficult and stressful. For example, my neighbors next door I think met up with each other a short while ago. They are now always fighting and screaming at each other and last week they had a fight on their front yard where the lady threw something at the guys car and the cops came over. Sunday night they were screaming at each other again over cold pizza or something. And the typical marriages today have a shelf life of what, five years? It didnt take long for me to figure out that we can really idealize relationships when younger and maybe its not all its cracked up to be. Maybe if you really saw what was going on behind closed doors between couples, you would see they are not the perfect bliss and idealized scenario you think they are. You would then probably go running and screaming into the night when considering a relationship. So maybe its a good thing you are taking your time? At least when you do meet up with someone if you want to, it would be someone more mature and with life experience to not also idealize a relationship or marriage. It might actually work out. So that's a different perspective at least. But I understand loneliness is painful and difficult.
 
hicks

hicks

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we can really idealize relationships when younger
Absolutely. I think there's generally an idealised view of what a marriage is and a misty eyed view of 'love'. I view marriage as a commitment to support the other person through life, which let's face it can be hard at times. And when the heat of initial lustful attraction has cooled somewhat, then you're left with living day to day with another person. You have to be pretty sure you can handle the quirks and annoyances of that person.
 
BetaMale

BetaMale

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Aug 17, 2018
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India
I'm 30-years-old, have bipolar, OCD, PTSD, occasional psychosis and have completely resigned to being single for the rest of my life. And I'm a virgin as well.

I said something about getting an AR (augmented reality) girlfriend in the future in one of your other threads but it got flagged for being "irrelevant".
 
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Vulcan Spock

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Absolutely. I think there's generally an idealised view of what a marriage is and a misty eyed view of 'love'. I view marriage as a commitment to support the other person through life, which let's face it can be hard at times. And when the heat of initial lustful attraction has cooled somewhat, then you're left with living day to day with another person. You have to be pretty sure you can handle the quirks and annoyances of that person.
This is true for a lot of things in life IMO. When you are young and inexperienced with life, you are easily influenced by things such as what you see in the media and what you see externally with others when it comes to things like sex and relationships. Your own personal fantasies also come into play.

For example, when out and about, you see a couple holding hands arm-in-arm walking down the beach. It's an idyllic setting and the stereotypical romantic escape. You think, 'this is what relationships are.' You end up defining a relationship with things like this as the defining element and epitome of what it should be. And then there is sex. Same thing there. You think you get a girlfriend or get married and everything is shagedelic and you will always have hot sex and never lose any sexual interest in your partner etc and when you're not shagging you will be walking down the beach arm-in-arm again before going home and getting all shagedelic again after a warm candlelight dinner...just like in the movies.... Then you have kids and that will be all idyllic too like a Leave it to Beaver episode.

What you rarely see outwardly are struggles, fights behind closed doors, trials, tribulations, etc...The same couple holding hands watching the sunset might go home and fight over what to order on a pizza or end up screaming at each other at the top of their lungs over an unpaid bill etc....sometimes you probably dont want to see that because it throws a monkey wrench into the idea of relationship as the key to personal happiness and idyllic bliss.
 
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TazBurrfoot

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Joined
Oct 23, 2019
Messages
79
Location
California
I'm a new member and something like this was going to be my first post. I'm pretty much resigned with singlehood. What helps me is 1) having hobbies and so far my hobbies including playing the piano which I just started learning, reading fluff, and a video game called Magic the Gathering online 2) This may not apply to you or you make not like this but being deeper in my Catholic Faith where I don't feel so alone now that I do my daily prayers. I feel God is with me.

But that is why I joined this forum to maybe have some pen pals. I live with my parents and receive income per month and I don't have any debts but no at 38 it's unlikely to find a nice woman to share the evening with.
 
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Lundi_Hvalursson

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Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
52
Location
San Francisco, USA
I'm a new member and something like this was going to be my first post. I'm pretty much resigned with singlehood. What helps me is 1) having hobbies and so far my hobbies including playing the piano which I just started learning, reading fluff, and a video game called Magic the Gathering online 2) This may not apply to you or you make not like this but being deeper in my Catholic Faith where I don't feel so alone now that I do my daily prayers. I feel God is with me.

But that is why I joined this forum to maybe have some pen pals. I live with my parents and receive income per month and I don't have any debts but no at 38 it's unlikely to find a nice woman to share the evening with.
I notice that your location says California. Are you a native Californian like me? Because I know that here in California, a lot of things that should be not difficult are difficult, such as dating in general.

I was on holiday in Europe a few days ago and recently came back home. In addition to the culture, food, etc., I really missed the openness and genuineness of the people back there. Here at home people are just not nice, and dating--well, you know how it is.
 
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TazBurrfoot

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Oct 23, 2019
Messages
79
Location
California
I notice that your location says California. Are you a native Californian like me? Because I know that here in California, a lot of things that should be not difficult are difficult, such as dating in general.

I was on holiday in Europe a few days ago and recently came back home. In addition to the culture, food, etc., I really missed the openness and genuineness of the people back there. Here at home people are just not nice, and dating--well, you know how it is.

Born and raised in California. I grew up in Garden Grove California and we bought one of the new housing constructs, a nice big home, in San Bernardino in the desert.

I have a lot to write about what you wrote, but yah whatever dating is California is not the place to do it. Maybe you can read the thread I started about online dating, but from my Match experience (which I did not pay for I just did a search) I'm 38 and the party doesn't stop in the twenties and dates involve things more than just a nice coffee or reasonable restaurant to talk and bond. I'm not a chauvinist like Tom Leykis and I don't like that guy, but yes every date is going to involve some real investment that goes beyond what I can afford, which I would place myself in the 80$ category.

I'm sure there are people successful in the dating scene, but I am suspicious of their charm and these women should be to.

But this ties into other posts on here. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else in America than California in my desert community. As long as you have a family (parents, siblings...etc.), a place to live, food to eat then I think California is the best place to live in America.

I'm going to be controversial but I think the Red States right now have bigger problems than dating. I'm not saying that to be malicious, I want them to get the help. But for us Californians those were the fly by states and we really didn't pay attention to them or were preoccupied by them....but it just may be Jack Kerouac's On the Road, if you read that book. I recommend it. The narrator is unreliable and the picture of the midwest is very dire although he in his foolishness can't register it.

In my idealism having lived in London and traveled around Europe, Europe seems ideal but we might both be wrong. I think there are some British on here but it seems in general Europe is going through some pretty bad turbulence including a growing prevalent far-right. European and American politics don't translate--we are Democracies just not the same kind Democracies--but I think Europe right now might not be so idealic anymore. This turn around may have started since the Greece Crisis and we don't here news out of Greece anymore so I don't know what is going on there.

My favorite place of Europe would be England and my second favorite place would be Italy. But it seems what we as Americans are going through is largely a Western phenomena, granted we as Americans are probably impacted more because as you mentioned there is social cohesiveness in Europe.

But, no, California is the fifth wealthiest economy in the world and the dating scene is going to favor the successful and the glories of the greatest but for me I'm just happy to live in California, live with my parents, have income, feel safe in general, and I also include religion and prayer to thank God for all this.

So, check out my online dating post. Online dating is not for the weak at heart.
 
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Lundi_Hvalursson

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Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
52
Location
San Francisco, USA
I studied a bit in the UK, and I loved it there. In addition to everything else such as universal healthcare and stuff, the people were nicer. The people in the UK are known for being reserved and such, but honestly, where I was in Northern England, people were way friendlier and more genuine than back home here in San Francisco. It is not even a contest.

In San Francisco, money is everything. I think that right now it is worse than Los Angeles in this regard. People judge everyone based on superficial things--money/income, cars, houses, physical looks, height, weight, sexual partners, how many girlfriends you have/had, how many startups you have, etc. I hate this capitalistic type of attitude, and I tend to not relate at all to most of the women whom I meet.

Well it is true that states like Alabama and Mississippi have big economic problems and a huge poor population. But in terms of dating, I really have no idea. People might be friendlier there (?) and maybe women are less judgemental in terms of dating. But I do not know. Plus, I am not religious, so that might be a big mark against me amongst very religious women.

I was just in Germany and Portugal, and even though there are some problems (problems are in every country), I never felt the same amount of tenseness that I experience right here at home. People are more relaxed, more genuine, less fake and more mellow. Time to enjoy life more. What I guess is that this translates to people being more real, and thus women in general being less judgemental than back home here. At least, that was what I got from talking to some people over there.

The only incident that I had was on a train in Portugal where a few women sitting nearby me gave me sour looks several times for no reason. When I looked back, each time they looked away and pretended that they were not staring. A bizarre experience, and I do not know what caused it. But other than that, I think that dating would be much easier there than here.

During my studies in the UK, quite a few women talked to me, and I remember that one woman at the till at the supermarket said how she liked my John Lennon circular glasses and we conversed. I remember one time this woman in my dorm kept trying to lock arms with me. However, I was really busy with studies, and I did not pay attention at all to dating. A pity. These things never happen here in San Francisco. They just do not happen at all.
 
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TazBurrfoot

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2019
Messages
79
Location
California
I studied a bit in the UK, and I loved it there. In addition to everything else such as universal healthcare and stuff, the people were nicer. The people in the UK are known for being reserved and such, but honestly, where I was in Northern England, people were way friendlier and more genuine than back home here in San Francisco. It is not even a contest.

In San Francisco, money is everything. I think that right now it is worse than Los Angeles in this regard. People judge everyone based on superficial things--money/income, cars, houses, physical looks, height, weight, sexual partners, how many girlfriends you have/had, how many startups you have, etc. I hate this capitalistic type of attitude, and I tend to not relate at all to most of the women whom I meet.

Well it is true that states like Alabama and Mississippi have big economic problems and a huge poor population. But in terms of dating, I really have no idea. People might be friendlier there (?) and maybe women are less judgemental in terms of dating. But I do not know. Plus, I am not religious, so that might be a big mark against me amongst very religious women.

I was just in Germany and Portugal, and even though there are some problems (problems are in every country), I never felt the same amount of tenseness that I experience right here at home. People are more relaxed, more genuine, less fake and more mellow. Time to enjoy life more. What I guess is that this translates to people being more real, and thus women in general being less judgemental than back home here. At least, that was what I got from talking to some people over there.

The only incident that I had was on a train in Portugal where a few women sitting nearby me gave me sour looks several times for no reason. When I looked back, each time they looked away and pretended that they were not staring. A bizarre experience, and I do not know what caused it. But other than that, I think that dating would be much easier there than here.

During my studies in the UK, quite a few women talked to me, and I remember that one woman at the till at the supermarket said how she liked my John Lennon circular glasses and we conversed. I remember one time this woman in my dorm kept trying to lock arms with me. However, I was really busy with studies, and I did not pay attention at all to dating. A pity. These things never happen here in San Francisco. They just do not happen at all.
Thanks for your input, you have more recent experience than I in Europe so I'm glad things are still going better than here. While I have a brother who is successful and lives in Los Angeles I wouldn't want to live in Los Angeles; he is an architect and real estate investor. I've been to San Francisco as a tourist and I would describe as you do but it must be a beautiful city to live in though. I would prefer San Francisco to Los Angeles.

I went to law school with this disability in the San Jose area at Santa Clara, didn't graduate had bad experiences, but I liked San Jose. It's just with the reality of that it has it's poor parts the mega wealthy live there like Los Angeles. I'm not classist or Marxist so as long as they are reasonable I'm glad their wealthy, but I just don't resonate with that vibe.

Maybe you are right about Red States in general, and this may offend people but ever since Trump I get a bad vibe about the Red States. I'm sure there are those places with those reasonable midwestern values based on reasonable expectations of life, you not being religious but me being religious, and maybe even God. But I think that is being idealistic and seeing the grass greener on the other side I think.

And while there are those people there, I think there is that element of narrow view and hate or crime problem or drug problem or gun problem which concerns me. Neither political party addressing any of this, so I don't blame them for supporting Trump.

But like I was telling someone else in the nostalgia thread (you may want to check that one out) this may be a new era for America. Where the old problems we talked about may still be present but now they are reaching different communities with states not having the resources or the inclination to tackle the problem.

While we may certainly get Trump for another term (I'm a Democrat) if we do get a Democrat we have to do a lot of soul searching regarding the Journalism, the Media, Business, Politics. I just don't know if the will is there.

So, in regards to dating I suspect a nice Midwestern Girl would regard you with suspicion and distrust. The Midwest from my experience isn't California with Midwestern values. They like their men like the military who own a gun and have all that macho bravado.

I would say if everything is covered in San Francisco then stay there and appreciate it and I'm religious so I include God in my life (a meditative and prayerful night while I smoke rolling tobacco and diet coke).

Read Jack Kerouac On the Road, it is short and I think that is more like the Midwest right now and in terms of dating they prize their own men over us "coastal elites" I write that with irony me not being a coastal elite at all. Just as an afterthought I remember a coworker in high school who was my age telling me she went to some midwestern state with her football boyfriend for some reason and they were received with a lot of hate for being from California (they were both white although I am Hispanic). That was back in the nineties without this political climate.
 
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