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Accusing my Boyfriend of cheating

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LynniieXD

New member
Joined
May 5, 2018
Messages
2
So I have had this problem for a long time. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 and a half years and he is the love of my life. Before we got together I left an ex boyfriend to be with him after being treated horribly, being cheated on by him and having him tell me he was still in love with someone else. Me and my boyfriend are like partners in crime, and at first that nothing could separate us. Now there is a girl at work that he has built a strong friendship with, much more beautiful than i could ever be, and I can’t stop thinking that he is falling in love with her and he will soon cheat on me with her. We have argued about this often, but our last argument was a severe one, to the extent that he has said he will leave me if I don’t stop accusing him of cheating, as he is hurt that I can’t seem to trust him around her. I don’t want this to ruin our relationship. Honestly he is the best thing to happen to me, so what do I do?

Please any help or advice will be greatly appreciated.
 
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wheezey

Guest
Hello Lynniie. If you have been mistreated in the past then it makes sense it is now difficult for you to trust your current boyfriend. The thing is, he is not the same person. He deserves you to trust him. I know how difficult it is but no relationship can work without trust. It sounds like things are going really well for you both so it would be so sad for it to change now. Do not compare yourself to his friend. If he really wanted to be with her then he would be. He is with you because he loves you and that speaks volumes.
 
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LynniieXD

New member
Joined
May 5, 2018
Messages
2
You’re totally right, he is a remarkable person. When we both got together we had so many problems with careers, financial difficulties, I was incredibly overweight at the time and we are now starting to build our lives. He gave me the strength and courage to go back to university to study my law degree which I love. He is now building his career and is well respected in what he does. But now this girl o swear is so pretty and outgoing, all I think in my head is that I wouldn’t blame him if he did fall for her. She also has a boyfriend of 3 years and I just cannot stop myself from looking at his messages to her. And although there are messages that shouldn’t concern me, in my head I think of the worst possible scenario and that’s when it all starts.
 
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wheezey

Guest
It sounds like you have both been through a lot and that shows the strength of your relationship. I know it is hard to not look at the messages but I would try your best as it will prove you trust him. He has not done anything to show you he cannot be trusted. The other girl is in a relationship and she is unavailable.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Messages
5,044
Location
Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
Just stop. It is that simple.

You are disrespecting him, insulting him and generally causing problems.

I have been wrongly accused and it is very hurtful and often manipulative.

I wouldn't put up with it anymore these days. I would end the relationship.

Without trust as the firm foundation, you have nothing durable.

And, for reference, I am in a 12 yr relationship.
Not once in 12 years has there been unfounded accusations of cheating or anything else. We don't accuse. full stop.
 
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Lizzy-24

Lizzy-24

Well-known member
Joined
May 11, 2018
Messages
75
Lynniie,

This is a difficult problem. The problem being that, yes, it is wrong not to trust him. In my opinion, Trust is the most important thing in a relationship aside from, well, you know, love. But it`s also difficult because, what if you are right? I know how you feel all too well.

The ONLY advice I can give you, is talk to him. Don't fight. Just, talk to him about how this situation makes you feel. Because, in the end, maybe all they will ever be are friends. And who knows, you might become friends with her too. But that aside, you need to explain to your boyfriend why you feel the way you do and that it is because you love him, not trying to hurt him. I would perhaps also advise maybe doing it in a public place? That way, it is easier not to let your emotions get the better of the both of you. Perhaps a nice night out to a restaurant?

I hope things go well for you. I`ll keep you in my thoughts and send you my mental support.
 
PurpleDaffodils

PurpleDaffodils

Active member
Joined
May 11, 2018
Messages
32
Location
Southern US
My ex was very similar, he had been cheated on and despite my absolute opposition to cheating (I think it is one of the worst things you can do to another person, and am disgust by it.) he would still frequently ask me or accuse me of seeing someone else or if any other guys name got brought into conversation by me he'd ask if I was attracted to him or try to insinuate I was bringing him up due to the fact I was sexually attracted to him.

I know what it's like to be on your boyfriend's side of things. What I can tell you is that if you truly love him you'll need to take the gamble on the idea that he isn't cheating, the second there's a seed of doubt it will just grow and grow. A relationship is a contract forged in trust, people break contracts but you sign it with the mutual agreement that you both will trust one another.

I take it he is aware of what your ex did to you? If so then he will know where you're coming from but it still hurts none the less to be accused of it. Keep in mind just because you think the girl at his work is better looking than you doesn't mean he does. He may have become friends with her at work because there's no one else he gets along with, it's tough working a job where you don't have any friends at work (I've done it once or twice.) So give him a chance, not everything is so black and white. Don't ruin a good thing because of jealousy, you'll always regret it.

That's not to say that you won't feel jealous because you definitely will, but talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel, don't just outwardly accuse him of it. If he cares a good bit about you he will try to alleviate your anxiety and jealousy by either staying away from the girl entirely or talking about her less around you or only hanging out with her at work and keeping it professional.

You could even take the initiative to get to know the girl. I've bonded with several of my exes co-workers who I thought he may have at one point been interested in (or vice-versa) and I only made new friends. It's worth a try in the least. Just give him a chance to prove to you he's not your ex, he deserves that much in the least.
 
SoftRain

SoftRain

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Joined
Jun 26, 2016
Messages
1,467
Location
sillyville, USA
this is a self esteem issue. If your relationship is good and strong, I would curb the accusations. If he hasn’t given you a reason to think he is cheating enjoy your relationship.
The other guy might of cheated, but this one is a different person.
Treating him as if he has cheated will destroy the relationship. They become unhappy and it can become a self fulfilling prophecy for you.
I wish you the best.
 
Lizzy-24

Lizzy-24

Well-known member
Joined
May 11, 2018
Messages
75
My ex was very similar, he had been cheated on and despite my absolute opposition to cheating (I think it is one of the worst things you can do to another person, and am disgust by it.) he would still frequently ask me or accuse me of seeing someone else or if any other guys name got brought into conversation by me he'd ask if I was attracted to him or try to insinuate I was bringing him up due to the fact I was sexually attracted to him.

I know what it's like to be on your boyfriend's side of things. What I can tell you is that if you truly love him you'll need to take the gamble on the idea that he isn't cheating, the second there's a seed of doubt it will just grow and grow. A relationship is a contract forged in trust, people break contracts but you sign it with the mutual agreement that you both will trust one another.

I take it he is aware of what your ex did to you? If so then he will know where you're coming from but it still hurts none the less to be accused of it. Keep in mind just because you think the girl at his work is better looking than you doesn't mean he does. He may have become friends with her at work because there's no one else he gets along with, it's tough working a job where you don't have any friends at work (I've done it once or twice.) So give him a chance, not everything is so black and white. Don't ruin a good thing because of jealousy, you'll always regret it.

That's not to say that you won't feel jealous because you definitely will, but talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel, don't just outwardly accuse him of it. If he cares a good bit about you he will try to alleviate your anxiety and jealousy by either staying away from the girl entirely or talking about her less around you or only hanging out with her at work and keeping it professional.

You could even take the initiative to get to know the girl. I've bonded with several of my exes co-workers who I thought he may have at one point been interested in (or vice-versa) and I only made new friends. It's worth a try in the least. Just give him a chance to prove to you he's not your ex, he deserves that much in the least.
I get that. I absolutely loathe when someone cheats on another person. I got most of that from my parents though. Although I didn't know my dad much, he cheated on my mom numerous times, even with women in the neighbourhood. One of his ladies would have even been my step-mom (she was nice though and during that time divorced women didn't have custody rights in my country).

I had the opposite situation with my ex though that you did. He actually cheated on his ex before. When we were in a relationship, he accused me of cheating and seeing other guys. He got so jealous when other men hit on me. Irony is, he was actually the one cheating on me in the 8 years we were together, 3 times no less. I follow the philosophy of 'Once a cheater, always a cheater', so I feel very sorry for the next woman.
 
R_Sxo

R_Sxo

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2017
Messages
2,202
Hi LynniieXD,

I can understand why you suspect he may be cheating, but it appears that you haven't resolved your emotions from your last relationship yet. If you keep accusing him of falling for someone else, that's exactly what you'll do - it's a self-fulfilled prophecy. You need to see it from his perspective - would you stay with someone who constantly accused you of something that you haven't done? Trust is a key foundation of any successful relationship - without it, any relationship is doomed to failx

For this relationship, you have to work hard to resolve this problem. Being able to trust your partner, and resolving your emotions from your last relationship. Talking to a therapist/counsellor to help you move on from your last relationship will help, but you also need to trust that your partner is loyal to youx

Much love <3
 
Lizzy-24

Lizzy-24

Well-known member
Joined
May 11, 2018
Messages
75
Hi Lynniie,

I hope you're okay. How have things been between you and your boyfriend? Have you spoken to him about your anxiety about him cheating on you?

All the best and love today.
 
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