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Accepting my life as it is

Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
I'm tired and low today. I have an ex-colleague coming over on Sunday but i feel anxious about seeing her. I feel unable to participate in life. Tired.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
I made myself a really good and big meal. I have lost lots of weight lately which always happen when i have been ill. I go through times where i cannot hardly eat and then times where i am so hungry. I am well enough to be able to make a meal and eat it which is strange for me as my last episode lasted so long because of the disablement payment interviews/assessments. They wreaked havoc on my moods for 6 months. If i have to go through that every other year, that is 1/4 of my life. I should also add in there the fact that the 6 months before i am due for re-assessment, my moods start fluctuating more too. Not much of a life is it.

I have been thinking more about my future. As i come out of plain survival, i start to get bored and want more things and want to be with people more. I want a fuller life but with such long times spent ill, it is hard to keep relationships, jobs, everything. It is also hard to go back to places i went when i was last ill for example a book group where i was heading for mania. They were all elderly but i am still very embarrassed and do not want to return to that group. I still have anxiety relating to anything with people but alongside a deep need to connect in person and regularly. I am so very in need of something. If i don't find it soon, i start playing around with my medication to make me relapse out of boredom or finding other thrill seeking opportunities like getting blind drunk and going out at night to see what i can see.

I am also still very unhappy and still would like to disappear. I am a big confused mess as i am desperate for thrills and desperate for death. This middle ground i do not like because i cannot simply go to work and get satisfaction there because of stuff. I also have no responsibilities and i think most people either throw themselves into work, or children, or both. I have nothing. I really do not have anything. I am getting frustrated with these four walls and going shopping is a bit of a waste of my life although i do enjoy looking around for things i can buy and comparing prices. I think one day i might get a train ticket and go anywhere i fancy, and then when i get there i will again choose another place and keep going. That is a problem because i would need somewhere to sleep. maybe i could go on a road trip on my own. That isn't actually such a bad idea although it is likely i would eventually lose my grounding and attract attention. Maybe i want attention.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
i think we are currently in similar headspaces Zoscia. It isn't easy :hug1:
I wonder if this feeling is a symptom, or normal for the people with good mental health, or normal for people who have been to hell and back and back and back again?

I have a feeling i am a bit depressed as this evening i have more energy and feel more comfortable with life and my surroundings. I always feel better at night. It could be that i have just had my medication though.

I am getting through. I think i am more scared about the fact i might not be ill again. I want to be ill again. If i have lost it, i will be devastated and i don't know what i will do if it has gone.
 
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Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
I spoke too soon, although my problems today i doubt are due to bipolar but rather to everything else. I probably have concussion, which i cannot even spell and maybe once upon a time i could spell it. My head is red and my face red from frustrated and angry crying All doors were slammed, as were some windows and a few loud swear words alongside which my neighbours might have heard or might just think i am insane. So many people around think i am insane anyway. By insane i mean unstable as people just think neurotic and unstable and maybe that is true, but i am neurotic and unstable because i have had those extreme moods to cope with for far too long and that does change you. Incidentally, windows were slammed shut because of noisy neighbours. I rarely can cope with their noise, especially the loud thudding beat of their music which has no lyrics, and especially the thudding football as it hits the kerb constantly throughout the weekends and evening. I am dreading the school holidays next month.

I am suffocated by my area and this country. I need to get away from it. I am sick of the same old places and mostly this place, this flat, where i spend too much of my time. Even my flabby backside is complaining. I have no purpose, no company, and when company offers to come, i have to cancel those plans because i cannot cope with seeing anyone. I cannot see them because i don't see people enough and because they don't know and fully understand what life is like for me. None of them have spent much time with me in recent years and to expect me to meet up with them and for everything to be easy for me is plain stupid. People still expect normal from me which i find hard to be.

My mum and dad are coming over to take me out in an hour. They had promised we would do something different today but they are not going to be here until half past one which is too late. They never got around to telling me what we were doing despite my asking about ten times. I therefore have nothing in for dinner as i still don't know what we are going to be doing. I suggested places, they couldn't make up their mind, and then they said they just wanted to go to the local cafe for a coffee. This is a place i go to so often and is barely five minutes from my flat. I told them that i was desperate to get out of this place and they suggest there. I just told my dad i was angry now and that i had told them i needed to get out of here before i explode and how bored i am. He was good and said he would be here soon. If there are arguments when they get here, if my mum gives me a hard time, i will usher them out of the door, close it and lock it, and take something to make me sleep because i cannot cope today and i am close to losing it. I am close to taking several sleeping meds just because i have had enough at the moment and that is all i know to do.

Everything feels pointless and once again i am cutting ties with people who want to see me but really do not understand why i am cancelling. People are not capable of having a heart to heart. I don't know how they expect me to be all light and bright with this facade because the facade doesn't work anymore and why should i have to put that up just to make them feel more comfortable?

I am calming down and maybe my face is less red and puffy but i still am on the verge of running to the loos crying and staying put if i go out and something goes wrong or even if a baby starts crying anywhere near me. It is better to stay in on days like this but i need to get out because otherwise i will do something stupid and i need life and air, and i need to get away from here. I need to sit on the sand under a parasol, in a private part of the beach. That isn't going to happen today because it is almost half past twelve and what can you really do now. Half the day is gone, my mum and dad always would say when i would get up late. I was up late because i was depressed, and then i had their complaints greeting me rather than sympathy and let's get you out somewhere for some fresh air Grace, and it is late so maybe we won't go to the beach but we could do this, how does that sound, are you feeling well enough to do that? No, that did not happen, i was told off for being depressed and told i had ruined everyone else's day.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
I went out and it was very nice. I did have coffee and some marble cake and bought a summer top for £4 so i am happy with that. I am home now though, and feeling very disappointed and guilty about having let my friend down for tomorrow. I don't want to lose her as a friend but i can't cope with people. I am in desperate need for people, but i get myself into a state about it and end up in tears. I am very tired now which usually happens after a very stressful state. I think my body naturally sedates me after stress like that and i need to go to sleep for an hour.

I have hardly anyone in my life and the more time goes on where i am berating myself for all of my past social mistakes, the worse i feel about myself, and the less able i am to cope with being with people.

For now, i am home and comfortable, with my new top and a cup of tea. I am alive, stable, i have enough money and i do still have people who care about me. I will have to try harder to see them but i do know that i do show them i care about them via cards and presents, emails and texts, and that is going to have to be sufficient until a miracle happens.

I will now go and cry. Or i might get some biscuits to dunk.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
zoscia, hello. I have read several of your posts. You write well. You feel about the school holiday like I feel about New Years and the Fourth of July. Can't stand the noise. But as the years progress, I've become use to it. There was the bit about it being too late to go to the beach. This I think gets into negative thinking. I live on the beach here and any time of day is great for the beach. The beach is actually there twenty four hours a day. It's beautiful at night. It's amazing on a raining day. It's great at sunset. It's great at sunrise. So this whole hysterical attitude that it's too late for the beach is a learned behavior, in my opinion. If someone shouts at you that the day is almost gone when you're a child, this attitude becomes ingrained. But it has no basis in reality. It's just an old program left running. That struck me because I'll go to the beach anytime. This was one example of negative thinking/attitude.

Now you say you've been through so much that was very bad, that it is hard to go on, hard to continue, hard to deal with people. I also have been through horror and torture, medical mistakes, worse and I had PTSD from it all. But the only way out is to love. Love yourself, love people, love the planet. That's all I know.
 
S

Stray

Guest
Zoscia, I wish I could write more, properly, just wanted to say I can relate so much. I don't know, don't think that helps you much, but it is so. Trapped, frustration....My birthday last week, I got 4 birthday cards. I am grateful for those 4. And yet I feel so so sad, my isolation, mental and physical trappedness in this place in mid 40s, I've lost so much and now too scared, traumatised to go out try retrieve any scraps of it. Feel for you. Well done for getting out xx
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
So this whole hysterical attitude that it's too late for the beach is a learned behavior, in my opinion..
Thanks for you help Poopy Doll. I have actually never had the it's too late problem, and would often jump in the car with my ex to the beach. Sometimes we would sleep in the car, so it is a behaviour i have not learned fortunately.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
So this whole hysterical attitude that it's too late for the beach is a learned behavior, in my opinion.
Thank you for your help Poopy Doll. I love the beach at night too and would often go with my ex late at night and then we would sleep in the car. We slept on the sand once which was not nice as our towels were soaking wet by morning from the damp

I never did take on those hystericalbehaviours fortunately. I may need to write more clearly as you keep misunderstanding parts of my posts.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
They had promised we would do something different today but they are not going to be here until half past one which is too late.
Too late because they will not go anywhere far at that time of day.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
Zoscia, I wish I could write more, properly, just wanted to say I can relate so much. I don't know, don't think that helps you much, but it is so. Trapped, frustration....My birthday last week, I got 4 birthday cards. I am grateful for those 4. And yet I feel so so sad, my isolation, mental and physical trappedness in this place in mid 40s, I've lost so much and now too scared, traumatised to go out try retrieve any scraps of it. Feel for you. Well done for getting out xx
It helps very much to know i am not alone Stray. Thank you for reaching out.

I'm sorry you only got four cards but i hope they were special ones. I have been through the card upsets the last few years. I always would get so distraught that people would cancel on me, forget about me, send cards late was a big one. Even my mum forgot one year and didn't get to the shop in time before it closed.

I am in my early 40s too, and not being able to access life for various reasons, leaves me feeling like a failure, like a weak and self-pitying person. I know this is not true, but there are times when i am hit by that thinking on repeat and it is very hard to get through when my head is in that space. All people like me need is compassion, a hug, a smile, like the man in the cafe today who recognised me from a while ago and asked how i was. We had a nice conversation and he smiled such a beautiful smile. I then walked away feeling so guilty for not asking him how he was. I am so socially inept now. I will ask him next time i see him how he is. These social skills come easily to most people but i always feel awkward.

Retrieiving scraps, isn't it so sad that it has come to this. This is what i do, because i feel like whatever it is that is going on in my head is never going to end. Eternal life, if it exists, feels like torture for me, because i don't want to have to put up with my head forever. Those scraps keep me moving forwards but it is enourmous effort. Having a shower every other day takes huge effort, and i am not even depressed! Go figure. Something went wrong somewhere and i have no idea how to fix it. I don't know anything but i just have this in-built survival instinct.

Happy Belated Birthday :) ;) :peace: :cool: :hug: :hug5: :flowers: :loveshower: :flower2: :mrgreen: :cheer::hi:
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
I find it really hard when people play mind games with me. I hate those conversations where the other person always makes it stressful. I also find it really hard when people say critical things so flippantly, without trying to understand why i have done something or said something.

I have to deal with these things so often, it is no wonder i no longer want to be around people or even via the internet, email or any other form of communication. I am scared of people because i don't trust them anymore. I managed to live a full life despite all against me right through until i was 37, but now i am done, unless where i go, i go very slowly and carefully, and everyone there knows how to behave, themselves. I have no choice but to do this because i might end up dead otherwise and so it is not a small thing.

My appetite has gone and i feel dizzy which must be from earlier. I really don't care what happens to me to be honest, because tonight, today, i am so very, very, very tired.

My outpatients letter says i am mild-moderately depressed at the moment. What a silly man to guess that from 11 minutes where he did most of the talking. He might have asked me. That is all irrelevant anyway, and nothing to do with how i feel. It is just another example of me saying the sky is blue and the other person saying it is actually blue with white clouds. It is so unnecessary to make people feel stupid, to argue, or to try and make the other person feel uncomfortable or tearful because i am finding everything hard enough without letters and comments and nit picking dads.

How can i live like this? I am going to end up digging a hole and living underground away from all noise and all people. I never used to be like this.
 
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