Accepting my life as it is

Zoscia

Zoscia

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So this whole hysterical attitude that it's too late for the beach is a learned behavior, in my opinion.
Thank you for your help Poopy Doll. I love the beach at night too and would often go with my ex late at night and then we would sleep in the car. We slept on the sand once which was not nice as our towels were soaking wet by morning from the damp

I never did take on those hystericalbehaviours fortunately. I may need to write more clearly as you keep misunderstanding parts of my posts.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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They had promised we would do something different today but they are not going to be here until half past one which is too late.
Too late because they will not go anywhere far at that time of day.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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Zoscia, I wish I could write more, properly, just wanted to say I can relate so much. I don't know, don't think that helps you much, but it is so. Trapped, frustration....My birthday last week, I got 4 birthday cards. I am grateful for those 4. And yet I feel so so sad, my isolation, mental and physical trappedness in this place in mid 40s, I've lost so much and now too scared, traumatised to go out try retrieve any scraps of it. Feel for you. Well done for getting out xx
It helps very much to know i am not alone Stray. Thank you for reaching out.

I'm sorry you only got four cards but i hope they were special ones. I have been through the card upsets the last few years. I always would get so distraught that people would cancel on me, forget about me, send cards late was a big one. Even my mum forgot one year and didn't get to the shop in time before it closed.

I am in my early 40s too, and not being able to access life for various reasons, leaves me feeling like a failure, like a weak and self-pitying person. I know this is not true, but there are times when i am hit by that thinking on repeat and it is very hard to get through when my head is in that space. All people like me need is compassion, a hug, a smile, like the man in the cafe today who recognised me from a while ago and asked how i was. We had a nice conversation and he smiled such a beautiful smile. I then walked away feeling so guilty for not asking him how he was. I am so socially inept now. I will ask him next time i see him how he is. These social skills come easily to most people but i always feel awkward.

Retrieiving scraps, isn't it so sad that it has come to this. This is what i do, because i feel like whatever it is that is going on in my head is never going to end. Eternal life, if it exists, feels like torture for me, because i don't want to have to put up with my head forever. Those scraps keep me moving forwards but it is enourmous effort. Having a shower every other day takes huge effort, and i am not even depressed! Go figure. Something went wrong somewhere and i have no idea how to fix it. I don't know anything but i just have this in-built survival instinct.

Happy Belated Birthday :) ;) :peace: :cool: :hug: :hug5: :flowers: :loveshower: :flower2: :mrgreen: :cheer::hi:
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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I find it really hard when people play mind games with me. I hate those conversations where the other person always makes it stressful. I also find it really hard when people say critical things so flippantly, without trying to understand why i have done something or said something.

I have to deal with these things so often, it is no wonder i no longer want to be around people or even via the internet, email or any other form of communication. I am scared of people because i don't trust them anymore. I managed to live a full life despite all against me right through until i was 37, but now i am done, unless where i go, i go very slowly and carefully, and everyone there knows how to behave, themselves. I have no choice but to do this because i might end up dead otherwise and so it is not a small thing.

My appetite has gone and i feel dizzy which must be from earlier. I really don't care what happens to me to be honest, because tonight, today, i am so very, very, very tired.

My outpatients letter says i am mild-moderately depressed at the moment. What a silly man to guess that from 11 minutes where he did most of the talking. He might have asked me. That is all irrelevant anyway, and nothing to do with how i feel. It is just another example of me saying the sky is blue and the other person saying it is actually blue with white clouds. It is so unnecessary to make people feel stupid, to argue, or to try and make the other person feel uncomfortable or tearful because i am finding everything hard enough without letters and comments and nit picking dads.

How can i live like this? I am going to end up digging a hole and living underground away from all noise and all people. I never used to be like this.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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Welcome to forum. I tried to talk with friends and family, but they don't understand and they seem to not like to listen to long to my issues.
I wish there were support groups where I could meet face to face with other people.
I m going to an alanon group because my husband has addiction issues. It helps me to focus on myself and set my boundaries. But I don't want let them know I m bipolar.
You'll find this forum helpful. It has helped me.
I once went to an alcohol support group for this reason. Eventually one of the facilitators said to me that i did not have a problem with alcohol, kindly. He was so nice to me, as was everyone else, and i felt so included there. I was happy that they had let me hang out for so long but after that, i did leave and wrote a thank you letter to them all. I hope that yours is as nice as mine was.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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yep the sensory overload got that today went out to a shopping enviroment that i am not familiar with and when i was about to board the bus someone told me i had left my handbag on a seat. being shattered and overwhelmed gets harder to deal with as i get older. which reinforces my reluctance to go out.

as it was i made myself go out today as i had seen nobody since friday. i dont talk about it to my family & friends as it always sounds so pathetic. had to deal with it on my own and that is still tough even now.

thing is yeah is that i still cant accept my life. after all it is so fcked really. but hey ho. wish i could say it gets better but it doesnt. not for me anyway:(
It doesn't for me really either. It's good that you have that drive to get out. I have always had that fighter instinct but recently i have lost it and it is worrying. My life is fcked too so can i join the club? :hug:
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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I'm pretty new here too, and I'm hoping for such similar things. I have been in what sounds like the same spot, Zoscia, a while ago. Being alone was safe. I found a local peer support group that helped so much, since I found others that empathized, not just sympathized, and understood my moods because they had them as well. It forced me out of the house. It just doesn't meet often enough.

Hopefully we'll be around here often.
It is a good start though. I just need one thing and once a month will be a start, like yours is. Gets us out of the house. :hug:
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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Hi Zoc


we are in the exact same position

as far as sensory overload - wow - its sooooo familiar now days

I can skype you if you want. if you can stand bad hair and too many cats.

:hug:
It's a shame there are people who feel the same. I wish there was a solution to it all. I have no idea how to use Skype but people keep asking me to do it. I hate talking on the phone so don't think i could cope with someone look at my face as i talk :eek2: even if they are thousands of miles away. It's a very kind offer though, thank you, but we can talk on here.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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I could be reading something I had written

I too struggled markedly in the morning hours

turned out this was related to ADs

I quit the ADs and the early morning depression jags which were so regular you could set your watch to them, have vanished

I'm still not Perfect but I have a lot more stability of mood almost from Day One of AD Quit

mind you id gotten very unwell on them

Please just be aware my worsening MH was actually Caused by the Treatments. I'm not saying its happening to you, but It happens x
This did happen eleven years ago when i was prescribed Celexa. I went back to the gp about fifteen times before a suicide attempt. It made me more and more ill but i was too ill to know that i should stop taking it and nobody was listening to me. Irresponsible prescribers.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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Why am i scared to confront people and tell them they have hurt me and i don't want them to contact me again? I am scared of confrontation.

On another note, today with mum and dad it has been bitch bitch snipe snipe. I think i am so mentally exhausted by years of them that i am now unable to gather the energy for other people and work. It is a pity i cannot get away from them but i have been so dragged down that i have given up.

Please do not post here criticising me.

They have gone home now and i couldn't wait to get rid of them. Without me they would have nothing and they rely on me a great deal so i have no choice, but i do have the choice to meet new people or spend time with other people who want to see me but that i cancel plans with. They said they want to see me on Wednesday as it is market day, but i don't want to, and i don't think i will. The problem is that i am so starved of conversation that i will end up going with them just for company.

Today there were about twenty snipes but i am always blamed for them. I am the awkward and argumentative one and yet i see her as doing this. Almost every conversation is like this and i have been upset over this very thing for many years but as there is no way out, i never get out. I really am stuck for what to do. I know what to do actually, i need to meet other people and see less of them, or less of her specifically. I hate that whole blaming others thing, but regardless of who is to blame, the combination of us does not work and never has and i wouldn't be surprised if my diagnosis should actually be stress-induced mania because i clearly see that in the early days, that was what happened. Now not so much, because it comes out of the blue, but my family has caused this and they continue to push my buttons, punch my buttons, which leads to me self harming because i cannot cope. That is a danger sign. If everything else in my life was fine, it wouldn't be so bad, but everything in every area of my life is worse than anyone could imagine. My mum specifically, has pushed most of the family away and that automatically excludes me too. She has also embarrassed me in the places i go to on my own, like the Dunelm cafe, where i can no longer go because she has gone berserk at the staff there too many times so that now when i go on my own they roll their eyes at me and are curt.

Again, if anyone on the forum wishes to criticise me, please don't.

I don't know what to do for the rest of the day other than sleep, cry, and watch something quiet and calm. Midsomer Murders i like because the men are relaxed and have nice calm voices. I have never had much calm around me and i don't know how to create that anymore because i feel too far gone into myself that i cannot spend time with those people who are calm and positive and sensitive too. I feel far too sad to see them, and that worries me because i don't want to lose them. I don't know if they will continue to be satisifed with cards and birthday presents and Christmas visits but if that is all i can manage, that is all i can manage. I will build up as i can, but with the esa coming up, it is hard to wash my hair sometimes. I do get myself out of bed and i do try to go out as much as i can, but i really need help with my life. I know they are not there to be all i need and that they are cpn and such, which is not a friend/counsellor/social support person, but how i am supposed to do anything in this life without any support, i don't know. There is nowhere i can go to spend time with other people and that has meant i now don't feel like i could spend time with other people.

I wish i knew a way out of this. If i am depressed or not, like that 11 minute oggle suggests, is irrelevant.
 
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Poopy Doll

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You say you are afraid to confront people. I push myself past the fear of confronting my sister but it is all to no avail. She just denys that she ever said whatever it was. She says that I have misunderstood her words. This makes me feel crazy. So the only solution is to love her and accept that she is not going to interact in a satisfactory way, ever.

On the one hand confronting people is like standing up for your self esteem. On the other hand confronting people is about ego and is better left alone. I have a hard time resisting confronting when I know she is only going to turn it against me and deny her part in it all. There's no wisdom in confronting such a person, locked inside their own psychology.

I'm sorry I misinterpreted your earlier post about it being too late to go to the beach. I can only go by what is written, not really knowing you. There had been a few lines about when you were a kid, your parent said to hurry up because the morning was almost over or something like that.

You have to have some support from live people in your life. You deserve that much. I was isolated except for my bf. I knew I had to have other people also. So I purposely picked some people and worked on those relationships. Out of the three people I picked, only one did not work out. But nothing is going to change unless I change it.

Depression is composed of negative thinking and core beliefs. I try to ignore my negative mind as much as possible. I wish you good luck with that process. Believing you can't spend time with people is self defeating. If all I say is I'm sorry you feel this way, I am not really helping you and I care that you are suffering so I write more than Oh, I'm sorry you feel this way.
 
Zoscia

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You say you are afraid to confront people. I push myself past the fear of confronting my sister but it is all to no avail. She just denys that she ever said whatever it was. She says that I have misunderstood her words. This makes me feel crazy. So the only solution is to love her and accept that she is not going to interact in a satisfactory way, ever.

On the one hand confronting people is like standing up for your self esteem. On the other hand confronting people is about ego and is better left alone. I have a hard time resisting confronting when I know she is only going to turn it against me and deny her part in it all. There's no wisdom in confronting such a person, locked inside their own psychology.

I'm sorry I misinterpreted your earlier post about it being too late to go to the beach. I can only go by what is written, not really knowing you. There had been a few lines about when you were a kid, your parent said to hurry up because the morning was almost over or something like that.

You have to have some support from live people in your life. You deserve that much. I was isolated except for my bf. I knew I had to have other people also. So I purposely picked some people and worked on those relationships. Out of the three people I picked, only one did not work out. But nothing is going to change unless I change it.

Depression is composed of negative thinking and core beliefs. I try to ignore my negative mind as much as possible. I wish you good luck with that process. Believing you can't spend time with people is self defeating. If all I say is I'm sorry you feel this way, I am not really helping you and I care that you are suffering so I write more than Oh, I'm sorry you feel this way.
Your sister sounds difficult. My mum, more so than dad, does this exact thing. I suppose i have grown to be too scared of sticking up for myself because experience has told me that it will ignite a big argument that will be brought up for years to come. That everything will be turned around to me, my fault. It is difficult for me to understand how she says everything is my fault and that i am the one doing the things i accuse her of, on the rare occasions i dare to put my foot down. My mum has schizophrenia by the way, although has not been in hospital for years. I don't think that gives her freedom to be the way she is, but i cannot change her, i can only change how often i see her and when. I try to gauge her mood so i can decide when i see her and also i dont see her when there is something important coming up for me as she can knock me down hard and i need some time to recover and regain strength from that. It was so bad today i cannot even begin to explain what i have to cope with and have done so for a very long time. I luckly don't remember my childhood. It does much harm. My dad on the other hand is more laid back but he still treats me as an irritant sometimes and it is like we are talking different languages. If i could back right away from them, i would, and i do plan to. They called me about ten mins ago but i did not answer. I was shaking just from the thought of it and looking at their photo in my hallway makes me angry at the moment. I feel guilty for not answering though as i know mum needs me emotionally,but she is a big girl and can look after herself. I have to put myself first, as does she.

It's funny you said when i was kid, as i was talking about as an adult. That is so telling because of my age. I am 41 now and so i have been through over twenty years that i can remember, of criticism and shouting. It is not always like that, but mostly. Currently she is saying that she doesn't get time to see my brother because she is always with me, but the fact as i see it is she is always asking for us to go somewhere or me to come over, and a week later tells me i am taking up so much of her time.

I do appreciate all support and need it very much. I do need to vent because i have nowhere else to go. Prior to here, i went through a time of not being so upset about it all so i know that my need to vent is not a constant thing, as much as now. It is possible that it is my mood and also possible she goes through agitated months where me and the rest of the world find themselves reciprients of her anger and rudeness.

I have also chosen a particular few to nurture but i am finding it hard to see them because of what, i don't know. At Christmas i was invited to a pub lunch with cousins and i couldn't go, but they came to mine afterwards and i did pudding and tea/coffee. Sometimes it works out but i worry they will get sick of me. I have to try to remember that they are very decent people and they probably would not get sick of anyone, least of all me. It is interesting that one of my cousins had been complaining about his sister-in-law. I asked my cousin's wife if she had fallen out with her sister, and she looked at me stunned as if that was the most strange thing to suggest. I didn't realise, i don't think, that people do get upset about their sisters or whoever, and that doesn't mean they are going to stop talking to them. I think i am so used to my mum falling out with everyone, that i automatically assumed this was normal. I therefore assume that people are going to fall out with me, which some of my family has, partly due to mum's involvement. I am very angry again at some of the learned behaviours which i have also thought about since seeing a counsellor in 2009 for 3 months when we talked about that.

I am sorry if i had sounded ungrateful, because i do appreciate your time and everyone elses, and i know it takes energy to read a post and try to help, which is all people are trying to do. I wrote for people to go easy on me because i couldn't cope with anything more critical at the moment. Critical can mean lots of things and i am told all day everything i have done wrong and am doing wrong, and this has been my life for many years. I therefore find it very hard to take criticism, even if well-meaning. I was upset about the pity party comment and although i know you were seeing similarities between us, and that you were saying that you stopped having a pity party, i just cannot cope with myself and my own constant complaining and feel so angry with myself for being so weak and whiny. I don't want people to say i am not being whiny but i have dwelled on that comment since you said it and felt even more angry with myself for being this way, but i truly cannot do anything right now but have a shower and eat. More whining i know, but i feel so much self-hatred anyway and although you are very correct, it is one more reason to be angry with myself. It is good to hear these home truths, but i am so run into the ground already. I am glad that you posted again and i hope that i can return the favour one day.
 
Nikita

Nikita

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Zoscia,I think a lot of us with mental illness share a common theme,that is family overkill,we spend too much time with family,and often that is because they need us at the start more than we need them,they fear losing us,so they wear away at us with the control,we become ill from the verbal and mental abuse,then we isolate and start needing them more than they need us.

That was their intention all along.I had 26 years of this from my sister,she never wanted me to have a life of my own,she stole from me all my power and resources,she copied me and stole pieces of my identity.I went from being the strong one to living in her shadow and suffering incidents of violent abuse.

She convinced me to make a will and leave it all to my niece with her husband as executor and then she and my brother -in -law set about making me ill and driving me to suicide or an eventual heart attack.She was damaging things in my house too so they wouldn't work and I'd be too ill to fix them and unable to look after myself.

She wanted me dead and she took my self-esteem,my independence and my dignity,she made it look to the outside world that I was nothing without her,she looked good driving me around everywhere while she complained she had to do it all for me,in truth she refused to let me do things on my own.She enslaved me.God I hate her!Twice in four years she almost brought about my actual physical death,she planned it and premeditated it and carried out her plan and once I tried to kill myself ,can't say how and another time she took me back there and I only just saved my own life from her attempt to end it!The psychological games and violence was immense and caused me to become very disturbed both emotionally and mentally.

What I am trying to say, is I'd never criticize you,you are 100% spot on about everything you say.
My advice is to not see mum and dad more than once every six months and only then cos it is an obligation.Most people don't see their elderly parents more than once a year from year to year if that!
You need to get totally out from under their thumbs to flourish into your own person and life.

I know it is tempting to agree to meet cos if not them then it is nobody,I have been there.

I cut my sister out of my life a year and seven months ago,it was hard at first cos I had no one but I bought help in for the practical stuff,DIY etc and I had help at home from home help for the housework and now I have a gardener.I had no friends but now I have one friend and acquaintances I could get to know better if I choose.Slowly I am improving my health and including quality people in my life,I choose them and make sure they are good people that I like and get on with,unlike family that I have no choice cos they are all I've got!
What I am saying is you can do it and everything you say and feel here is right,follow your own advice and you will go a long way in the right direction.All the very best to you.Love and hugs.Nikitax
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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It just happened again. First my brother rang accusing me of upsetting mum, and then mum rang being very nice or pretending nothing had ahpepned as she does. I eventually reacted and the call ended. I then did something which may cause concussion and i don't know what concussion is, vomitting i suppose, but it is getting worse. I don'twant to get drunk nd i don't want to take any tablets, i just want to cry. I want to be left alone by everyone. Mum, dad, my brother, my cousins, my friends, and mostly the dwp.
 
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Poopy Doll

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Now I really am sorry these people in your life are destroying your serenity. They are a vexation to your spirit.

I'm sorry I mentioned that I try not to have a pity party for myself. I'm very, very sorry I said that. It was intended as support using myself as an example. But it made your mind spin and I'm real sorry I said that.

HUGS :hug5:
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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edited as changed
 
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Zoscia

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Now I really am sorry these people in your life are destroying your serenity. They are a vexation to your spirit.

I'm sorry I mentioned that I try not to have a pity party for myself. I'm very, very sorry I said that. It was intended as support using myself as an example. But it made your mind spin and I'm real sorry I said that.

HUGS :hug5:
I read that, cried so much, and then fell asleep. I woke up an hour ago.
:hug:
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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Zoscia,I think a lot of us with mental illness share a common theme,that is family overkill,we spend too much time with family,and often that is because they need us at the start more than we need them,they fear losing us,so they wear away at us with the control,we become ill from the verbal and mental abuse,then we isolate and start needing them more than they need us.

That was their intention all along.I had 26 years of this from my sister,she never wanted me to have a life of my own,she stole from me all my power and resources,she copied me and stole pieces of my identity.I went from being the strong one to living in her shadow and suffering incidents of violent abuse.

She convinced me to make a will and leave it all to my niece with her husband as executor and then she and my brother -in -law set about making me ill and driving me to suicide or an eventual heart attack.She was damaging things in my house too so they wouldn't work and I'd be too ill to fix them and unable to look after myself.

She wanted me dead and she took my self-esteem,my independence and my dignity,she made it look to the outside world that I was nothing without her,she looked good driving me around everywhere while she complained she had to do it all for me,in truth she refused to let me do things on my own.She enslaved me.God I hate her!Twice in four years she almost brought about my actual physical death,she planned it and premeditated it and carried out her plan and once I tried to kill myself ,can't say how and another time she took me back there and I only just saved my own life from her attempt to end it!The psychological games and violence was immense and caused me to become very disturbed both emotionally and mentally.

What I am trying to say, is I'd never criticize you,you are 100% spot on about everything you say.
My advice is to not see mum and dad more than once every six months and only then cos it is an obligation.Most people don't see their elderly parents more than once a year from year to year if that!
You need to get totally out from under their thumbs to flourish into your own person and life.

I know it is tempting to agree to meet cos if not them then it is nobody,I have been there.

I cut my sister out of my life a year and seven months ago,it was hard at first cos I had no one but I bought help in for the practical stuff,DIY etc and I had help at home from home help for the housework and now I have a gardener.I had no friends but now I have one friend and acquaintances I could get to know better if I choose.Slowly I am improving my health and including quality people in my life,I choose them and make sure they are good people that I like and get on with,unlike family that I have no choice cos they are all I've got!
What I am saying is you can do it and everything you say and feel here is right,follow your own advice and you will go a long way in the right direction.All the very best to you.Love and hugs.Nikitax
Thank you Nikita, and i am so sad to hear about what you have been through. I am glad that my mum and dad have not gone that far but they have gone far enough haven't they.

I woke up with a plan of action and feel more positive for it. The (Thing) i have done to myself recently is going to stop and i will take tablets again so i can relax or sleep quickly. I had managed to get off them almost, but they are needed again because it is dangerous what i have done and very embarrassing also. It is a sign that i am beyond my limits. They are unhappy too so regardless of blame, something has to change and after 20 plus years, it has to be a final and strict change and i know that i will not shift from my decision no matter what. I am going to write it down and hopefully, like you, i will have a nicer life and slowly make things happen. I have begun by starting to arrange them some care at home to take responsibility from me. I will also arrange for a tesco delivery to their bungalow. I will only speak and see them for set days and this week, i intend to give myself time out to make it clear that i am serious as my dad particularly, threatens not seeing me again, but then calls me an hour later and doesn't see a problem with that and thinks he is just letting off steam, it is normal. It is not normal.
 
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