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Accepting my life as it is

Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
Slept half twelve until 8. Perfect number of hours and it's been like this a long while. No tears. It is hard to believe I ever was seriously ill or that I will be again. Maybe I won't. Maybe I can stop medication one day. Maybe I will work again and this will all be like a bad dream. That is what the psychiatrist said last appointment.

I still feel like I want to die though. I do still go through hours where I drink or swallow other things I should not. It happens maybe once every two weeks. I still feel on the edge. Maybe this will go in time. If it weren't for disability money worries, I might think about working a bit. The fear of losing that safety net is too great to risk it with working. It's a ruined life in many ways.

Today I will go out to town. My DLA transfer went well so I can buy something. If I hadn't been successful, I would be staying in. Some are losing their DLA and also losing money to fall in line with job seekers allowance. Work group. How can people survive on that? Will it get worse if we leave the EU?

Take each day as it comes.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2015
Messages
9,385
Location
basketville
I could be reading something I had written

I too struggled markedly in the morning hours

turned out this was related to ADs

I quit the ADs and the early morning depression jags which were so regular you could set your watch to them, have vanished

I'm still not Perfect but I have a lot more stability of mood almost from Day One of AD Quit

mind you id gotten very unwell on them

Please just be aware my worsening MH was actually Caused by the Treatments. I'm not saying its happening to you, but It happens x
me too almost.. only having the chronic fatigue really fcked with my head and my physical health and pretending/ignorance that i had no problem... that was deep seated and really unfixable i reckon.
 
O

Orionar1

Member
Joined
May 19, 2016
Messages
24
Hi Zoscia

I can really sympathise with your situation, living alone myself. Social isolation is a horrible thing, being stuck in the house can really bring you down, I know this from experience. All I can suggest is getting out and taking baby steps towards socialising, even if it is just a 10 minute walk in the park it can do wonders. Clinging onto embarrassing memories is also a guaranteed way to bring you down, I found that looking into the Buddhist idea of mindfulness, accepting everything and moving on helps a lot, but each to their own I suppose.

I hope this helps
Ben
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
I am going to try and do some exercise. I can feel paranoid when in public but need to overcome that. I thought I would walk or jog for one song and then head back home. I'll build up gradually or not.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
I did some weeding but that's all. I have eaten well and just lit some candles. It's sunny out but I am inside with curtains drawn. I feel better in here but will try and go out tomorrow. Maybe I will jog this evening. I might go to the pool tomorrow. Pigs might fly. It'll be same old food shop.

I'm so sad all of the time. I don't have the life I want and I know everyone is fed up with me. I never get a chance to defend myself so I decided to stop bothering and let them gossip about me. They aren't perfect either. People in glass houses! They seem perfect though. My faux pas were symptom caused but that doesn't take away my need to die.
 
O

Orionar1

Member
Joined
May 19, 2016
Messages
24
Hi again Zoscia

It's impossible to please everyone, as you said you just need to focus on your own happiness and not give a damn about what other people think, if they gossip about you or bring you down they are not worth having around anyway. Unfortunately idiots exist in the world and they usually have a louder voice than people who wish you well and care about you, they will probably never understand the difficulty you are going through right now so why bother explaining yourself to them?. I say as long as you feel like you are progressing and winning your own presonal battles keep going strong :)

Best Wishes

Ben
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
Ben, I know you are right and I have stopped explaining myself now, but I still have to see them every month or two and they treat me not very nicely. It's either that or they make a comment which I can mentally trace back to something I said to another person weeks ago. I can actually figure out what they have been saying about me. An example is that my dad told my uncle I need lots of help and when he and my mum die, I will need his help. Dad kept pushing the point because my uncle doesn't know me well anymore, since diagnosis. My uncle seemed to accept this. Weeks later my aunty said to me that my dad treats me like a child. There was more to the conversation but the pillow talk was obvious. It all comes down to the once most important people in my life belittle my difficulties with daily living and the likelihood that my 80 year old parents' death will cause me to relapse as well as the point that I find lots of things harder the more episodes I have. My two second memory for one. No joke!

I am sorry to have gone on. Thank you for you help. It's nice to read fingertips of reason.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Zoscia. I can share with you that my functioning level was devastated after hospitalization. I went in pretty bad and came out much, much worse. No body thought I would ever manage again. I was even declared incompetent. But here I am, many years later, fully functional, learning all about acceptance and love in my life. So my point is, things can radically change. I became a photographer and traveled all about taking pictures.

I also had a second breakdown, entirely due to the medications having to be deleted. And once again I was non functional. But my boyfriend was very smart. He refused to make the meals after awhile. I had to go in the kitchen and make something if I wanted to eat. This helped bring me back.

If I had stayed in my comfort zone, I would not have progressed. If I avoided every stressor, I would not have learned that people are in their own heads talking and it has nothing to do with me.

Also, I stopped drinking sake when insomniac because it only makes me depressed. Alcohol is very bad for me. I stopped having pity parties. Then things got better.

I know you are very bright from reading your posts. Something a Tibetan monk once told me, "Everyone very clever. Must try harder."
 
L

labrat

Member
Joined
Jun 1, 2016
Messages
7
Location
USA
Hi Zoscia

I've been in a mindset where I worried about what everyone said or thought about me, or how they judged me, or what they talked to me about. It took a long while for me to come to the conclusion that I couldn't control them, that I wasn't responsible for them or what they did, and that I could only control myself. It helped me let go of at least some of the stress, worry and anxiety I had when dealing with others. I also used the mindfullness that Orionar1 brought up. I use it to be in the moment, to recognize how I am acting and reacting, and to keep myself centered on what I am doing. I learned it through DBT, though, instead of eastern religions. I'm not perfect at it, but it has helped.

I agree with Poopy Doll, that each person needs to be active in their own recovery and trying to make changes to help things get better. When I switched to that attitude, that I had to work hard at being stable and I was responsible for my recovery and for making sure that everything in my life was set up that way, I started making a little progress in actually getting there. I started small - get out of bed, take a shower, take my meds, eat something was my routine for weeks at a time, until I had to do some dishes - but it helped. I added on small things as I was able, like sitting on the porch for a bit to get some sun, or writing my thoughts down. Each bit helped, and each led to me being able to take on more responsibility for myself. I'm still working on it, and there are days all I can do is lay in bed, but having to take care of myself and the responsibilities I have taken on gives me the strength most days to get up, at least.

That, and the dogs and cats that stare at me and lick me until I feed them.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
I don't know what the future will bring and I do know we all have to live with uncertainty but I cannot see my future and this is partly work capability assessments and partly the episodes they will start.

I cannot close the door on past episodes either. something is trying to close it but I don't want to. I don't want to be well. I don't like recovery. I don't want to live or work or have a full life. I can't do it after everything that has happened and I can't do it when I have assessments coming up. It is complicated but it really must be over but I am unable to end things because I am commanded not to. What a cruel rule.

I continue to survive and try to do what I can for my elderly parents. I eat and clean. I live independently and am prepared for their death. Then I will be next but not for forty or more years. My life is pointless and this is a rational realisation that has remained in my mind for a long time. Sometimes there is no solution.

Solution. I cannot see that because I'm too fearful of being unable to cope with bad news. It's complicated but this is why I'm so disconnected.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Jan 4, 2013
Messages
9,874
Location
England
I don't know what the future will bring and I do know we all have to live with uncertainty but I cannot see my future and this is partly work capability assessments and partly the episodes they will start.

I cannot close the door on past episodes either. something is trying to close it but I don't want to. I don't want to be well. I don't like recovery. I don't want to live or work or have a full life. I can't do it after everything that has happened and I can't do it when I have assessments coming up. It is complicated but it really must be over but I am unable to end things because I am commanded not to. What a cruel rule.

I continue to survive and try to do what I can for my elderly parents. I eat and clean. I live independently and am prepared for their death. Then I will be next but not for forty or more years. My life is pointless and this is a rational realisation that has remained in my mind for a long time. Sometimes there is no solution.

Solution. I cannot see that because I'm too fearful of being unable to cope with bad news. It's complicated but this is why I'm so disconnected.
Hi,
So sorry for what you're going through, I hope the assessments go okay. I hope your life gets easier.
Take care
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
Hi,
So sorry for what you're going through, I hope the assessments go okay. I hope your life gets easier.
Take care
Thank you Mayflower, that made me cry. I hope it gets easier but I know that journey will be hard. I sound so melodramatic and maybe I am having a pity party but I've been knocked over so many times that I haven't the energy left to do anything other than indulge in selfish simple pleasures. It's not selfish but feels too indulgent. I think I might deserve indulgence and its better to care for myself than do anything to hurt myself.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
I've been out to get some food and it's very warm. I don't feel as resentful as I once did, about not being able to sit on the sand somewhere. I'm feeling more and more that holidays might be in reach again but that is in competition with my need to be dead or not exist. Never have existed. I still feel like everyone looks down on me even when they hug me and smile and give me compliments and presents. Not all of them are speaking to me but they are the ones who are imperfect also.

I'm writing nonsense. I'm going to rest today.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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England
Thank you Mayflower, that made me cry. I hope it gets easier but I know that journey will be hard. I sound so melodramatic and maybe I am having a pity party but I've been knocked over so many times that I haven't the energy left to do anything other than indulge in selfish simple pleasures. It's not selfish but feels too indulgent. I think I might deserve indulgence and its better to care for myself than do anything to hurt myself.
Hi,
We all should take care of ourselves, you do deserve some indulgence in your life. Life is hard especially with mental illness.
Thanks and take care.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
Perhaps I need to adjust to life without bipolar disorder. It doesn't feel right.
 
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