Accepting my life as it is

O

Orionar1

Member
Joined
May 19, 2016
Messages
24
#21
Hi again Zoscia

It's impossible to please everyone, as you said you just need to focus on your own happiness and not give a damn about what other people think, if they gossip about you or bring you down they are not worth having around anyway. Unfortunately idiots exist in the world and they usually have a louder voice than people who wish you well and care about you, they will probably never understand the difficulty you are going through right now so why bother explaining yourself to them?. I say as long as you feel like you are progressing and winning your own presonal battles keep going strong :)

Best Wishes

Ben
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
#22
Ben, I know you are right and I have stopped explaining myself now, but I still have to see them every month or two and they treat me not very nicely. It's either that or they make a comment which I can mentally trace back to something I said to another person weeks ago. I can actually figure out what they have been saying about me. An example is that my dad told my uncle I need lots of help and when he and my mum die, I will need his help. Dad kept pushing the point because my uncle doesn't know me well anymore, since diagnosis. My uncle seemed to accept this. Weeks later my aunty said to me that my dad treats me like a child. There was more to the conversation but the pillow talk was obvious. It all comes down to the once most important people in my life belittle my difficulties with daily living and the likelihood that my 80 year old parents' death will cause me to relapse as well as the point that I find lots of things harder the more episodes I have. My two second memory for one. No joke!

I am sorry to have gone on. Thank you for you help. It's nice to read fingertips of reason.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
#23
Zoscia. I can share with you that my functioning level was devastated after hospitalization. I went in pretty bad and came out much, much worse. No body thought I would ever manage again. I was even declared incompetent. But here I am, many years later, fully functional, learning all about acceptance and love in my life. So my point is, things can radically change. I became a photographer and traveled all about taking pictures.

I also had a second breakdown, entirely due to the medications having to be deleted. And once again I was non functional. But my boyfriend was very smart. He refused to make the meals after awhile. I had to go in the kitchen and make something if I wanted to eat. This helped bring me back.

If I had stayed in my comfort zone, I would not have progressed. If I avoided every stressor, I would not have learned that people are in their own heads talking and it has nothing to do with me.

Also, I stopped drinking sake when insomniac because it only makes me depressed. Alcohol is very bad for me. I stopped having pity parties. Then things got better.

I know you are very bright from reading your posts. Something a Tibetan monk once told me, "Everyone very clever. Must try harder."
 
L

labrat

Member
Joined
Jun 1, 2016
Messages
7
Location
USA
#24
Hi Zoscia

I've been in a mindset where I worried about what everyone said or thought about me, or how they judged me, or what they talked to me about. It took a long while for me to come to the conclusion that I couldn't control them, that I wasn't responsible for them or what they did, and that I could only control myself. It helped me let go of at least some of the stress, worry and anxiety I had when dealing with others. I also used the mindfullness that Orionar1 brought up. I use it to be in the moment, to recognize how I am acting and reacting, and to keep myself centered on what I am doing. I learned it through DBT, though, instead of eastern religions. I'm not perfect at it, but it has helped.

I agree with Poopy Doll, that each person needs to be active in their own recovery and trying to make changes to help things get better. When I switched to that attitude, that I had to work hard at being stable and I was responsible for my recovery and for making sure that everything in my life was set up that way, I started making a little progress in actually getting there. I started small - get out of bed, take a shower, take my meds, eat something was my routine for weeks at a time, until I had to do some dishes - but it helped. I added on small things as I was able, like sitting on the porch for a bit to get some sun, or writing my thoughts down. Each bit helped, and each led to me being able to take on more responsibility for myself. I'm still working on it, and there are days all I can do is lay in bed, but having to take care of myself and the responsibilities I have taken on gives me the strength most days to get up, at least.

That, and the dogs and cats that stare at me and lick me until I feed them.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
#25
I don't know what the future will bring and I do know we all have to live with uncertainty but I cannot see my future and this is partly work capability assessments and partly the episodes they will start.

I cannot close the door on past episodes either. something is trying to close it but I don't want to. I don't want to be well. I don't like recovery. I don't want to live or work or have a full life. I can't do it after everything that has happened and I can't do it when I have assessments coming up. It is complicated but it really must be over but I am unable to end things because I am commanded not to. What a cruel rule.

I continue to survive and try to do what I can for my elderly parents. I eat and clean. I live independently and am prepared for their death. Then I will be next but not for forty or more years. My life is pointless and this is a rational realisation that has remained in my mind for a long time. Sometimes there is no solution.

Solution. I cannot see that because I'm too fearful of being unable to cope with bad news. It's complicated but this is why I'm so disconnected.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
9,369
Location
England
#26
I don't know what the future will bring and I do know we all have to live with uncertainty but I cannot see my future and this is partly work capability assessments and partly the episodes they will start.

I cannot close the door on past episodes either. something is trying to close it but I don't want to. I don't want to be well. I don't like recovery. I don't want to live or work or have a full life. I can't do it after everything that has happened and I can't do it when I have assessments coming up. It is complicated but it really must be over but I am unable to end things because I am commanded not to. What a cruel rule.

I continue to survive and try to do what I can for my elderly parents. I eat and clean. I live independently and am prepared for their death. Then I will be next but not for forty or more years. My life is pointless and this is a rational realisation that has remained in my mind for a long time. Sometimes there is no solution.

Solution. I cannot see that because I'm too fearful of being unable to cope with bad news. It's complicated but this is why I'm so disconnected.
Hi,
So sorry for what you're going through, I hope the assessments go okay. I hope your life gets easier.
Take care
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
#27
Hi,
So sorry for what you're going through, I hope the assessments go okay. I hope your life gets easier.
Take care
Thank you Mayflower, that made me cry. I hope it gets easier but I know that journey will be hard. I sound so melodramatic and maybe I am having a pity party but I've been knocked over so many times that I haven't the energy left to do anything other than indulge in selfish simple pleasures. It's not selfish but feels too indulgent. I think I might deserve indulgence and its better to care for myself than do anything to hurt myself.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
#28
I've been out to get some food and it's very warm. I don't feel as resentful as I once did, about not being able to sit on the sand somewhere. I'm feeling more and more that holidays might be in reach again but that is in competition with my need to be dead or not exist. Never have existed. I still feel like everyone looks down on me even when they hug me and smile and give me compliments and presents. Not all of them are speaking to me but they are the ones who are imperfect also.

I'm writing nonsense. I'm going to rest today.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
9,369
Location
England
#29
Thank you Mayflower, that made me cry. I hope it gets easier but I know that journey will be hard. I sound so melodramatic and maybe I am having a pity party but I've been knocked over so many times that I haven't the energy left to do anything other than indulge in selfish simple pleasures. It's not selfish but feels too indulgent. I think I might deserve indulgence and its better to care for myself than do anything to hurt myself.
Hi,
We all should take care of ourselves, you do deserve some indulgence in your life. Life is hard especially with mental illness.
Thanks and take care.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
#30
Perhaps I need to adjust to life without bipolar disorder. It doesn't feel right.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
#31
I'm tired and low today. I have an ex-colleague coming over on Sunday but i feel anxious about seeing her. I feel unable to participate in life. Tired.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
#32
I made myself a really good and big meal. I have lost lots of weight lately which always happen when i have been ill. I go through times where i cannot hardly eat and then times where i am so hungry. I am well enough to be able to make a meal and eat it which is strange for me as my last episode lasted so long because of the disablement payment interviews/assessments. They wreaked havoc on my moods for 6 months. If i have to go through that every other year, that is 1/4 of my life. I should also add in there the fact that the 6 months before i am due for re-assessment, my moods start fluctuating more too. Not much of a life is it.

I have been thinking more about my future. As i come out of plain survival, i start to get bored and want more things and want to be with people more. I want a fuller life but with such long times spent ill, it is hard to keep relationships, jobs, everything. It is also hard to go back to places i went when i was last ill for example a book group where i was heading for mania. They were all elderly but i am still very embarrassed and do not want to return to that group. I still have anxiety relating to anything with people but alongside a deep need to connect in person and regularly. I am so very in need of something. If i don't find it soon, i start playing around with my medication to make me relapse out of boredom or finding other thrill seeking opportunities like getting blind drunk and going out at night to see what i can see.

I am also still very unhappy and still would like to disappear. I am a big confused mess as i am desperate for thrills and desperate for death. This middle ground i do not like because i cannot simply go to work and get satisfaction there because of stuff. I also have no responsibilities and i think most people either throw themselves into work, or children, or both. I have nothing. I really do not have anything. I am getting frustrated with these four walls and going shopping is a bit of a waste of my life although i do enjoy looking around for things i can buy and comparing prices. I think one day i might get a train ticket and go anywhere i fancy, and then when i get there i will again choose another place and keep going. That is a problem because i would need somewhere to sleep. maybe i could go on a road trip on my own. That isn't actually such a bad idea although it is likely i would eventually lose my grounding and attract attention. Maybe i want attention.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
#34
i think we are currently in similar headspaces Zoscia. It isn't easy :hug1:
I wonder if this feeling is a symptom, or normal for the people with good mental health, or normal for people who have been to hell and back and back and back again?

I have a feeling i am a bit depressed as this evening i have more energy and feel more comfortable with life and my surroundings. I always feel better at night. It could be that i have just had my medication though.

I am getting through. I think i am more scared about the fact i might not be ill again. I want to be ill again. If i have lost it, i will be devastated and i don't know what i will do if it has gone.
 
Last edited:
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
#35
I spoke too soon, although my problems today i doubt are due to bipolar but rather to everything else. I probably have concussion, which i cannot even spell and maybe once upon a time i could spell it. My head is red and my face red from frustrated and angry crying All doors were slammed, as were some windows and a few loud swear words alongside which my neighbours might have heard or might just think i am insane. So many people around think i am insane anyway. By insane i mean unstable as people just think neurotic and unstable and maybe that is true, but i am neurotic and unstable because i have had those extreme moods to cope with for far too long and that does change you. Incidentally, windows were slammed shut because of noisy neighbours. I rarely can cope with their noise, especially the loud thudding beat of their music which has no lyrics, and especially the thudding football as it hits the kerb constantly throughout the weekends and evening. I am dreading the school holidays next month.

I am suffocated by my area and this country. I need to get away from it. I am sick of the same old places and mostly this place, this flat, where i spend too much of my time. Even my flabby backside is complaining. I have no purpose, no company, and when company offers to come, i have to cancel those plans because i cannot cope with seeing anyone. I cannot see them because i don't see people enough and because they don't know and fully understand what life is like for me. None of them have spent much time with me in recent years and to expect me to meet up with them and for everything to be easy for me is plain stupid. People still expect normal from me which i find hard to be.

My mum and dad are coming over to take me out in an hour. They had promised we would do something different today but they are not going to be here until half past one which is too late. They never got around to telling me what we were doing despite my asking about ten times. I therefore have nothing in for dinner as i still don't know what we are going to be doing. I suggested places, they couldn't make up their mind, and then they said they just wanted to go to the local cafe for a coffee. This is a place i go to so often and is barely five minutes from my flat. I told them that i was desperate to get out of this place and they suggest there. I just told my dad i was angry now and that i had told them i needed to get out of here before i explode and how bored i am. He was good and said he would be here soon. If there are arguments when they get here, if my mum gives me a hard time, i will usher them out of the door, close it and lock it, and take something to make me sleep because i cannot cope today and i am close to losing it. I am close to taking several sleeping meds just because i have had enough at the moment and that is all i know to do.

Everything feels pointless and once again i am cutting ties with people who want to see me but really do not understand why i am cancelling. People are not capable of having a heart to heart. I don't know how they expect me to be all light and bright with this facade because the facade doesn't work anymore and why should i have to put that up just to make them feel more comfortable?

I am calming down and maybe my face is less red and puffy but i still am on the verge of running to the loos crying and staying put if i go out and something goes wrong or even if a baby starts crying anywhere near me. It is better to stay in on days like this but i need to get out because otherwise i will do something stupid and i need life and air, and i need to get away from here. I need to sit on the sand under a parasol, in a private part of the beach. That isn't going to happen today because it is almost half past twelve and what can you really do now. Half the day is gone, my mum and dad always would say when i would get up late. I was up late because i was depressed, and then i had their complaints greeting me rather than sympathy and let's get you out somewhere for some fresh air Grace, and it is late so maybe we won't go to the beach but we could do this, how does that sound, are you feeling well enough to do that? No, that did not happen, i was told off for being depressed and told i had ruined everyone else's day.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
#36
I went out and it was very nice. I did have coffee and some marble cake and bought a summer top for £4 so i am happy with that. I am home now though, and feeling very disappointed and guilty about having let my friend down for tomorrow. I don't want to lose her as a friend but i can't cope with people. I am in desperate need for people, but i get myself into a state about it and end up in tears. I am very tired now which usually happens after a very stressful state. I think my body naturally sedates me after stress like that and i need to go to sleep for an hour.

I have hardly anyone in my life and the more time goes on where i am berating myself for all of my past social mistakes, the worse i feel about myself, and the less able i am to cope with being with people.

For now, i am home and comfortable, with my new top and a cup of tea. I am alive, stable, i have enough money and i do still have people who care about me. I will have to try harder to see them but i do know that i do show them i care about them via cards and presents, emails and texts, and that is going to have to be sufficient until a miracle happens.

I will now go and cry. Or i might get some biscuits to dunk.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
#37
zoscia, hello. I have read several of your posts. You write well. You feel about the school holiday like I feel about New Years and the Fourth of July. Can't stand the noise. But as the years progress, I've become use to it. There was the bit about it being too late to go to the beach. This I think gets into negative thinking. I live on the beach here and any time of day is great for the beach. The beach is actually there twenty four hours a day. It's beautiful at night. It's amazing on a raining day. It's great at sunset. It's great at sunrise. So this whole hysterical attitude that it's too late for the beach is a learned behavior, in my opinion. If someone shouts at you that the day is almost gone when you're a child, this attitude becomes ingrained. But it has no basis in reality. It's just an old program left running. That struck me because I'll go to the beach anytime. This was one example of negative thinking/attitude.

Now you say you've been through so much that was very bad, that it is hard to go on, hard to continue, hard to deal with people. I also have been through horror and torture, medical mistakes, worse and I had PTSD from it all. But the only way out is to love. Love yourself, love people, love the planet. That's all I know.
 
S

Stray

Guest
#39
Zoscia, I wish I could write more, properly, just wanted to say I can relate so much. I don't know, don't think that helps you much, but it is so. Trapped, frustration....My birthday last week, I got 4 birthday cards. I am grateful for those 4. And yet I feel so so sad, my isolation, mental and physical trappedness in this place in mid 40s, I've lost so much and now too scared, traumatised to go out try retrieve any scraps of it. Feel for you. Well done for getting out xx
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

Well-known member
Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
#40
So this whole hysterical attitude that it's too late for the beach is a learned behavior, in my opinion..
Thanks for you help Poopy Doll. I have actually never had the it's too late problem, and would often jump in the car with my ex to the beach. Sometimes we would sleep in the car, so it is a behaviour i have not learned fortunately.
 
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
Jess96 Bipolar Forum 6
Poopy Doll Bipolar Forum 9
K Bipolar Forum 7

Similar threads