Accepting my life as it is

Zoscia

Zoscia

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May 31, 2016
Messages
103
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Essex
Hello,

A friend suggested that i sign up to a forum because i don't have anyone to talk to! She works all day and i think i call her too much. I am not working at the moment and have not been for longer than i would have hoped.

I was diagnosed in 2007 with Bi-polar Disorder but had been unwell since i was at college, off and on. It has taken its toll on every aspect of my life and i would rather blame it than myself, naturally. I am inclined to call myself all of the names under the sun, so i try hard to blame the diagnosis and the medication or more to the point, the times where i was not taking medication, rightly or wrongly.

I live alone. Unhappily single but i feel too unable to cope with close relationships of any kind. There is one friend that i am close to but i try to keep some distance. We lived together from college until a couple of years ago.

I suppose my question is how do you find a balance between staying stable and having a life. I find i am very drained after any conversation or activity. Going to the market for food and then driving home, tends to wear me out more than it does for other people i know. I understand sensory overload but i also need to get out there and meet people. By people, i mean i would love to have a relationship with a man again, hopefully long term and who knows what else. I'd like a close male friend and possibly husband if everything went well. I am so scared of how other people can disrupt my balance as most of the time i am actually just coping.

I don't know if i can even go about internet dating again. I don't go to any social events because of being anxious around other people once they get to know me. I don't feel comfortable with lots of people knowing me because my symptoms eventually surface and then i become very embarrassed. My mind is full of embarrassing memories and when i do go out, i am always worried about running into most of those people. I also really do wish i was not here, not alive, and so trying to meet someone that doesn't know about my diagnosis, my history or my current problems, where i have to pretend initially, is going to be difficult. It feels impossible.

I am looking forward to talking to people on here because i don't speak to many people. My family are either very busy or other ones can be hurtful and lie so i don't like to spend much time with them.

I am stuck, very sad and very alone. I'd love to take action to fix my life but also i am keen to rest and look after myself without rocking the boat. I need to find a balance between the two.

Thank you for reading this far.

Zoscia
 
Unique1

Unique1

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Jan 27, 2015
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Hi Zoscia. And :welcome: to the forum.

I've found the forum has proved helpful to me, reading posts and seeing how others cope has helped me to better manage things. Like you I can get very tired.
You are not alone.

Keep hope, things are possible, try not to be hard on yourself.

I'm glad you found us here, look forward to seeing you around.

With all good wishes
Unique xx
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

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Hi and welcome to the forum! :welcome:
You have nothing to lose by joining the forum, you should find the community here welcoming and friendly.
Have a look around and join in when you feel able to.
Hugs
Fox
 
S

Stray

Guest
Welcome xx I don't have bp but I can relate a lot to what you say. Isolation is painful but then I can't deal with being with others anyway, it feels like a trap. Hope here helps xx
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
Location
Essex
Thank you for the replies. It is nice to see others can relate to how i am feeling. I am torn between resting and staying safe and living more fully. I think this forum was the first step and i will see how things go from here.
 
Unique1

Unique1

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I'm glad you took the first step and came here :)

look forward to seeing you around.
Best wishes
Unique xx
 
P

Pamtiger

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May 22, 2016
Messages
22
Welcome to forum. I tried to talk with friends and family, but they don't understand and they seem to not like to listen to long to my issues.
I wish there were support groups where I could meet face to face with other people.
I m going to an alanon group because my husband has addiction issues. It helps me to focus on myself and set my boundaries. But I don't want let them know I m bipolar.
You'll find this forum helpful. It has helped me.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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yep the sensory overload got that today went out to a shopping enviroment that i am not familiar with and when i was about to board the bus someone told me i had left my handbag on a seat. being shattered and overwhelmed gets harder to deal with as i get older. which reinforces my reluctance to go out.

as it was i made myself go out today as i had seen nobody since friday. i dont talk about it to my family & friends as it always sounds so pathetic. had to deal with it on my own and that is still tough even now.

thing is yeah is that i still cant accept my life. after all it is so fcked really. but hey ho. wish i could say it gets better but it doesnt. not for me anyway:(
 
L

labrat

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I'm pretty new here too, and I'm hoping for such similar things. I have been in what sounds like the same spot, Zoscia, a while ago. Being alone was safe. I found a local peer support group that helped so much, since I found others that empathized, not just sympathized, and understood my moods because they had them as well. It forced me out of the house. It just doesn't meet often enough.

Hopefully we'll be around here often.
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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Nov 23, 2015
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Hi Zoc


we are in the exact same position

as far as sensory overload - wow - its sooooo familiar now days

I can skype you if you want. if you can stand bad hair and too many cats.

:hug:
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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Welcome Zoscia :) Your post made me think about how when I met my bf I did NOT tell him I have bipolar. I made sure he liked me a lot and got attached to me before I told him. Yeah, I know, pretty sneaky but what's a girl to do??
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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Messages
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Essex
Good evening all and thank you for the support. I am a bit more positive in the evenings but generally i am devastated at how much of life i am missing out on. It is the small things like a song i like comes on to 4music and i wish i was out at a party or club, only i have nobody to go anywhere with. I have been wrapping birthday presents and they are for other people's children and not my own. I am giving away my old toys and books to other people's children because i did not have my own. I am 41 so i doubt i will ever have any now, not that i want to have any for various reasons.

I would like to meet a man with a job and house, who needs a housewife. I'd cook and clean, love and talk and listen. I'd do the garden and look after the animals and i would eventually try and do some voluntary work. If he has children, that would be the icing on the cake.

I want a life again. I want to go on holiday. On a plane, oh my, i cannot imagine doing that again. A week in the sun somewhere seems very out of reach and i don't just mean financially. My life has changed beyond recognition since my last admission. My mood is better but i am not. With or without depression, i am depressed in every other way and i doubt any pill could fix this despair.

I quit on life because i was stood still for so long and everything continued on. I didn't move from my bed and yet outside of my flat, life was continuing on for everyone else. I was aging, as was everyone else, but i stayed there and i am still here. Even though i am up and about more, i feel more and more in the past. It is as though that overdose did end my life and me in this flat here, my life is not flashing before my eyes, but trickling past very slowly. I am going over those severe episodes, over and over, but also over my whole 41 years, or in July, 42. I am often surprised to see myself in the mirror. I am often surprised to see a photograph i can see was taken years ago, because it feels like a month ago. It is difficult to explain.

I have not seen my future for a long time. I know that this feeling is a result of the stress and devastation of severe episodes and i know it does happen to some people. I am though starting to see myself as an old lady, possibly. Where the government disability money comes in to this future i do not know because i cannot see anything other than me living out my days like this, here in this flat, same money, same routine. I could cope with that, just about, but that is not going to happen. Someone, someday, is going to force me to break out of this routine that is keeping my alive. At some point i will be forced to attend some training, voluntary work, even real work. I am dreading that day because i know that the stress will lead to drinking binges and overuse of that sleepy kind of medication. I don't want that, and i am very healthy and fit, but that is what happens and i know that very well now.

That is a very gloomy post for someone that is feeling well enough this evening. It is Friday night so the weekend with people, real people, is almost here. I just hope everyone will behave themselves because family discord shoves me in the direction of those sleepy medications, if it gets too bad. Unfortunately my coping abilities are poor so it doesn't take much to get there.

I wish there was some no-strings help for me but i don't even see anything that would help me anyway.
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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Joined
Nov 23, 2015
Messages
17,156
Good evening all and thank you for the support. I am a bit more positive in the evenings but generally i am devastated at how much of life i am missing out on. It is the small things like a song i like comes on to 4music and i wish i was out at a party or club, only i have nobody to go anywhere with. I have been wrapping birthday presents and they are for other people's children and not my own. I am giving away my old toys and books to other people's children because i did not have my own. I am 41 so i doubt i will ever have any now, not that i want to have any for various reasons.

I would like to meet a man with a job and house, who needs a housewife. I'd cook and clean, love and talk and listen. I'd do the garden and look after the animals and i would eventually try and do some voluntary work. If he has children, that would be the icing on the cake.

I want a life again. I want to go on holiday. On a plane, oh my, i cannot imagine doing that again. A week in the sun somewhere seems very out of reach and i don't just mean financially. My life has changed beyond recognition since my last admission. My mood is better but i am not. With or without depression, i am depressed in every other way and i doubt any pill could fix this despair.

I quit on life because i was stood still for so long and everything continued on. I didn't move from my bed and yet outside of my flat, life was continuing on for everyone else. I was aging, as was everyone else, but i stayed there and i am still here. Even though i am up and about more, i feel more and more in the past. It is as though that overdose did end my life and me in this flat here, my life is not flashing before my eyes, but trickling past very slowly. I am going over those severe episodes, over and over, but also over my whole 41 years, or in July, 42. I am often surprised to see myself in the mirror. I am often surprised to see a photograph i can see was taken years ago, because it feels like a month ago. It is difficult to explain.

I have not seen my future for a long time. I know that this feeling is a result of the stress and devastation of severe episodes and i know it does happen to some people. I am though starting to see myself as an old lady, possibly. Where the government disability money comes in to this future i do not know because i cannot see anything other than me living out my days like this, here in this flat, same money, same routine. I could cope with that, just about, but that is not going to happen. Someone, someday, is going to force me to break out of this routine that is keeping my alive. At some point i will be forced to attend some training, voluntary work, even real work. I am dreading that day because i know that the stress will lead to drinking binges and overuse of that sleepy kind of medication. I don't want that, and i am very healthy and fit, but that is what happens and i know that very well now.

That is a very gloomy post for someone that is feeling well enough this evening. It is Friday night so the weekend with people, real people, is almost here. I just hope everyone will behave themselves because family discord shoves me in the direction of those sleepy medications, if it gets too bad. Unfortunately my coping abilities are poor so it doesn't take much to get there.

I wish there was some no-strings help for me but i don't even see anything that would help me anyway.
I could be reading something I had written

I too struggled markedly in the morning hours

turned out this was related to ADs

I quit the ADs and the early morning depression jags which were so regular you could set your watch to them, have vanished

I'm still not Perfect but I have a lot more stability of mood almost from Day One of AD Quit

mind you id gotten very unwell on them

Please just be aware my worsening MH was actually Caused by the Treatments. I'm not saying its happening to you, but It happens x
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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Messages
103
Location
Essex
It's almost Sunday but I'm not tired enough to turn the lights out. Today has been a good day though. Ever since my busy and full life was rudely interrupted by this nightmare, I've been in turmoil. I've fought and fought to keep my life going. I've tried to keep hold of people in my life too. Then I though e nough. I stopped trying. If I want to get drunk, I do. If I want to stay up all night, I do. Not get dressed. Go out or stay in. Cancel last minute. Get in the car and only then decide where to go. No more visiting others. Living for myself. I focus only on myself and my mum and dad. Mostly me.

I've dropped so many people. I'm here if they want me but I'm not going to deal with the petty moaning and lies. It wasn't entirely conscious but was necessary to prevent episode triggers. This has lead to mid-week isolation.

I want a boyfriend but not the stress of it. I cannot have stress triggers. Maybe i have learned to manage stress now though.

I still dream of death and cannot wait to die. I rush through life. I am constantly tying up loose ends and getting affairs in order. I know this is not normal. Am I the only one?
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
I feel the same as you, I hope both our lives improve.
Good luck for your future
Take care
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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Joined
May 31, 2016
Messages
103
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Essex
Slept half twelve until 8. Perfect number of hours and it's been like this a long while. No tears. It is hard to believe I ever was seriously ill or that I will be again. Maybe I won't. Maybe I can stop medication one day. Maybe I will work again and this will all be like a bad dream. That is what the psychiatrist said last appointment.

I still feel like I want to die though. I do still go through hours where I drink or swallow other things I should not. It happens maybe once every two weeks. I still feel on the edge. Maybe this will go in time. If it weren't for disability money worries, I might think about working a bit. The fear of losing that safety net is too great to risk it with working. It's a ruined life in many ways.

Today I will go out to town. My DLA transfer went well so I can buy something. If I hadn't been successful, I would be staying in. Some are losing their DLA and also losing money to fall in line with job seekers allowance. Work group. How can people survive on that? Will it get worse if we leave the EU?

Take each day as it comes.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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Location
basketville
I could be reading something I had written

I too struggled markedly in the morning hours

turned out this was related to ADs

I quit the ADs and the early morning depression jags which were so regular you could set your watch to them, have vanished

I'm still not Perfect but I have a lot more stability of mood almost from Day One of AD Quit

mind you id gotten very unwell on them

Please just be aware my worsening MH was actually Caused by the Treatments. I'm not saying its happening to you, but It happens x
me too almost.. only having the chronic fatigue really fcked with my head and my physical health and pretending/ignorance that i had no problem... that was deep seated and really unfixable i reckon.
 
O

Orionar1

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Joined
May 19, 2016
Messages
24
Hi Zoscia

I can really sympathise with your situation, living alone myself. Social isolation is a horrible thing, being stuck in the house can really bring you down, I know this from experience. All I can suggest is getting out and taking baby steps towards socialising, even if it is just a 10 minute walk in the park it can do wonders. Clinging onto embarrassing memories is also a guaranteed way to bring you down, I found that looking into the Buddhist idea of mindfulness, accepting everything and moving on helps a lot, but each to their own I suppose.

I hope this helps
Ben
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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Essex
I am going to try and do some exercise. I can feel paranoid when in public but need to overcome that. I thought I would walk or jog for one song and then head back home. I'll build up gradually or not.
 
Zoscia

Zoscia

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Essex
I did some weeding but that's all. I have eaten well and just lit some candles. It's sunny out but I am inside with curtains drawn. I feel better in here but will try and go out tomorrow. Maybe I will jog this evening. I might go to the pool tomorrow. Pigs might fly. It'll be same old food shop.

I'm so sad all of the time. I don't have the life I want and I know everyone is fed up with me. I never get a chance to defend myself so I decided to stop bothering and let them gossip about me. They aren't perfect either. People in glass houses! They seem perfect though. My faux pas were symptom caused but that doesn't take away my need to die.
 
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