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Accepting my friend is gone forever hurts so much

R

RobinJ123

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Joined
May 7, 2016
Messages
15
My friend died last Friday, since I learned of his death I felt nothing but shock, anxiety and depression, a feeling that hurts so much.... I still feel heart broken....even though he was buried today in his hometown...

There was a fire in an area where he and many of my relatives and friends live. He was the only one who couldn't make it alive.
He was drunk, likely trapped inside his house. The thought of his last moments hurt.

Wishing this was all a nightmare.

A wave of our child hood years came into my head, wishing I could go back in time....but I can't.

Anger at the person responsible for ignoring his faulty charger smelling of smoke and burning then running off and not notifying the fire brigade soon enough.

I regret I never saw him last year, my cousin invited me to the Philippines where he is from last year....wish I went.... I just want to see him one last time.... but that is too late now. Haven't spoken in 2 years.... I promised I'd come back.

We weren't best friends, but we were friends since childhood and despite my weirdness and minor language barrier we remained friends.

In my 20s my social anxiety got so bad, I started developing depression and feeling ill all the time. This lowered my self esteem, made myself boring. I am managing it, but I regret we never had as many more memories as adults.... I really regret I never seen him much as I wanted to and be the social butterfly in my imagination.

I didn't have to be awkward and shy, but its all automatic.

I often try to tell myself go accept it now, telling myself his gone forever....this causes a feeling of shock in my chest.

I often can't help but question what is life? Why does it have to happen...it just feels unfair. He was only 30....

His face, his name is always in my mind. Death and dying has always got to me, I've had classmates in the past who died, and I cried, but never felt as down as this...

I think of death if it is the end or will we me again...

I imagine seeing my friends there, in my mind he's there automatically. It just feels weird and painful him not being with us again....

I don't like to tell my relatives or friend about it, they might think I'm too over dramatic or something, I don't know...

I get on with my life. But I still drift off, imagining him, the things I could say and wish I could say right now....

Its hard to accept and I feel I need to cry now and then, even though this is pointless and nothing I do will bring him back.
 
megirl

megirl

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Apr 9, 2010
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8,172
Location
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I am really sorry for your loss.
Life can be so hard at times
To die like that and so young I think makes it harder to accept.

You are allowed to grieve. Death affects people differently.
Crying does help.
Grief is a process
I have learnt that sometimes it ok to share with a friend how you're feeling that you're struggling with this and a bit of extra support at the moment.

Its much more healthy to let it out rather than pretend you're ok.
I dont think you're being dramatic you're human.

I aren't a religious person, but I do think there's something after we leave this world.
There's too many coincidences too many things that happen without explanation.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Jan 4, 2013
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22,326
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Hi,
I'm so sorry for your loss, please don't feel guilty about not visiting. You cared about them, they will know that.
Here to listen anytime.
Grief affects us all differently, such sad news.
Take care
 
R

RobinJ123

Member
Joined
May 7, 2016
Messages
15
Thank you, I wrote him a private message yesterday, 1 week since the day.... I felt a little better writing it down I know he'll never read it, but it was comforting expressing my feelings and let out a lot of steam.

I do feel guilty and regret a lot of things, but I guess it takes a while.
 
R_Sxo

R_Sxo

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Apr 24, 2017
Messages
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Location
Pyongyang, DPRK
Sorry for your loss - I pass on my condolences to you all. Stay strongx
 
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