• Share. Be Supported. Recover.

    We are a friendly, safe community supporting each other's mental health. We are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

accepting and rebuilding myself in 14 years ig

moko

moko

New member
Joined
Jan 7, 2022
Messages
2
Location
bangladesh
I hate it how no matter what I did it's never enough. there's always some height I didn't reach and that's all they remember. they as in people who were chosen to be my family. people who were supposed to love me and respect me and take care of me, the way I swore to. now that I'm at my lowest I see how they always saw me. I'm just too ugly to be this much curious about the living person of this family. and once u get that tag nothing can ever change it. but I tried. I loved them, admired them. I outworked myself. I was probably 8 or 9 years old when I started to do my level best just to get the kind of affection other cousins were getting. well lol. at that time I was dense and dumb so I worked on it and I think I did pretty well. I used to come last in my class but then I started to top in every class. damn, it sounds so cringy as I'm writing it. bear with me whoever's reading, I'm also not really in my best sense right now. God knows what I'm writing. the thing is I never told anyone about anything I went through mentally. I tried telling some of my "close" friends but I guess they found it exhausting.

so yuh now that career-wise I've fallen there's no support any nothing. I don't personally think I'm losing or I'm in big trouble or anything, cause I'm kinda easygoing I know I can easily overcome everything. It just that after all these years, after all the anticipation, longing for a little acceptance, all I get is anxiety to the level of not speaking to people for 4 entire years, no fucking drop of care, or even the notion that at least someone noticed that I was getting fried, depression, hair loss on top of having little to no hair, panic attacks, weird on and off relationship with food, identity crisis and incapability of expressing any feeling or even having any genuine feeling. I do not feel anything in serious situations. and then maybe after 3 4 months cry heavily to the point of not being able to breathe and man, I have marveled at hiding all my feelings. no one ever noticed. or maybe they just never paid attention.

I get cynical at times when I see them needing my help and just asking me out of pure right like im your family I can always ask for your favors but somehow they are never there for me, they never were. I can't tell the things I went through as a kid alone. no kid should ever go through all these.

well, I never spoke up about all these for the last 14 years. this is the very first time where I honestly wrote what I felt. ill keep writing ig. cause I think it's high time I gave up on them. I pity them now. there's no drop of love or respect left for any of them. just confirmed it. so I don't know why I thought this is gonna help me but welp I hate everything I was passionate about now. more like they all remind me of some vague hurtful memories. but somehow I still love to write. ig its because that's the only way my inner thoughts get out of my system. so yuh whatever. hi everyone ig
 
O

Orangeade

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 23, 2021
Messages
1,686
Location
England
I hate it how no matter what I did it's never enough. there's always some height I didn't reach and that's all they remember. they as in people who were chosen to be my family. people who were supposed to love me and respect me and take care of me, the way I swore to. now that I'm at my lowest I see how they always saw me. I'm just too ugly to be this much curious about the living person of this family. and once u get that tag nothing can ever change it. but I tried. I loved them, admired them. I outworked myself. I was probably 8 or 9 years old when I started to do my level best just to get the kind of affection other cousins were getting. well lol. at that time I was dense and dumb so I worked on it and I think I did pretty well. I used to come last in my class but then I started to top in every class. damn, it sounds so cringy as I'm writing it. bear with me whoever's reading, I'm also not really in my best sense right now. God knows what I'm writing. the thing is I never told anyone about anything I went through mentally. I tried telling some of my "close" friends but I guess they found it exhausting.

so yuh now that career-wise I've fallen there's no support any nothing. I don't personally think I'm losing or I'm in big trouble or anything, cause I'm kinda easygoing I know I can easily overcome everything. It just that after all these years, after all the anticipation, longing for a little acceptance, all I get is anxiety to the level of not speaking to people for 4 entire years, no fucking drop of care, or even the notion that at least someone noticed that I was getting fried, depression, hair loss on top of having little to no hair, panic attacks, weird on and off relationship with food, identity crisis and incapability of expressing any feeling or even having any genuine feeling. I do not feel anything in serious situations. and then maybe after 3 4 months cry heavily to the point of not being able to breathe and man, I have marveled at hiding all my feelings. no one ever noticed. or maybe they just never paid attention.

I get cynical at times when I see them needing my help and just asking me out of pure right like im your family I can always ask for your favors but somehow they are never there for me, they never were. I can't tell the things I went through as a kid alone. no kid should ever go through all these.

well, I never spoke up about all these for the last 14 years. this is the very first time where I honestly wrote what I felt. ill keep writing ig. cause I think it's high time I gave up on them. I pity them now. there's no drop of love or respect left for any of them. just confirmed it. so I don't know why I thought this is gonna help me but welp I hate everything I was passionate about now. more like they all remind me of some vague hurtful memories. but somehow I still love to write. ig its because that's the only way my inner thoughts get out of my system. so yuh whatever. hi everyone ig
Hi! Welcome to the forum! Sending you a lot of love x
 
Braveheart

Braveheart

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 1, 2020
Messages
135
Location
Glasgow
I hate it how no matter what I did it's never enough. there's always some height I didn't reach and that's all they remember. they as in people who were chosen to be my family. people who were supposed to love me and respect me and take care of me, the way I swore to. now that I'm at my lowest I see how they always saw me. I'm just too ugly to be this much curious about the living person of this family. and once u get that tag nothing can ever change it. but I tried. I loved them, admired them. I outworked myself. I was probably 8 or 9 years old when I started to do my level best just to get the kind of affection other cousins were getting. well lol. at that time I was dense and dumb so I worked on it and I think I did pretty well. I used to come last in my class but then I started to top in every class. damn, it sounds so cringy as I'm writing it. bear with me whoever's reading, I'm also not really in my best sense right now. God knows what I'm writing. the thing is I never told anyone about anything I went through mentally. I tried telling some of my "close" friends but I guess they found it exhausting.

so yuh now that career-wise I've fallen there's no support any nothing. I don't personally think I'm losing or I'm in big trouble or anything, cause I'm kinda easygoing I know I can easily overcome everything. It just that after all these years, after all the anticipation, longing for a little acceptance, all I get is anxiety to the level of not speaking to people for 4 entire years, no fucking drop of care, or even the notion that at least someone noticed that I was getting fried, depression, hair loss on top of having little to no hair, panic attacks, weird on and off relationship with food, identity crisis and incapability of expressing any feeling or even having any genuine feeling. I do not feel anything in serious situations. and then maybe after 3 4 months cry heavily to the point of not being able to breathe and man, I have marveled at hiding all my feelings. no one ever noticed. or maybe they just never paid attention.

I get cynical at times when I see them needing my help and just asking me out of pure right like im your family I can always ask for your favors but somehow they are never there for me, they never were. I can't tell the things I went through as a kid alone. no kid should ever go through all these.

well, I never spoke up about all these for the last 14 years. this is the very first time where I honestly wrote what I felt. ill keep writing ig. cause I think it's high time I gave up on them. I pity them now. there's no drop of love or respect left for any of them. just confirmed it. so I don't know why I thought this is gonna help me but welp I hate everything I was passionate about now. more like they all remind me of some vague hurtful memories. but somehow I still love to write. ig its because that's the only way my inner thoughts get out of my system. so yuh whatever. hi everyone ig
Hi, sending you big hugs 🤗🤗
 
M

MHFPokeplantz

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 17, 2021
Messages
698
Location
Brazil
Welcome to the forum, hope it can help you

Btw I relate a lot to the last paragraph, Im very similar, Im just too tired of people, its too much waste of energy, and writting helps me A LOT its what actually saved me (literally) in dark times, the weight goes out of me (or at least gets a lot reduced, its very important)

(Does ig mean I guess?)
 
Top