Absolutely terrified...

[jackskellington]

Great way to say hi I know, but I seriously need some help
I don't even know who I am any more, I have suffered with depression and anxiety for about 8 years (diagnosed anyway, but really it's been a lot longer than that)... but recently, over the last 3 or 4 years I guess, something's been different. I'm withdrawn, don't want to see anyone, picking arguments, and generally being an irritable cow, but then when I pick a fight I get scared that the person is going to abandon me and I go out of my way to try and put things right to prevent that from happening. It's crazy, I don't know why I'm doing this? And my mood swings are so dramatic and severe these days I don't know myself at all, and I can't imagine what it must be like for my friends and family.
I'm self-harming on a small scale, and have even thought of suicide a few times recently. There are a huge number of other things
I don't know what to do, every time I go and see my GP they just stick me on more anti-depressants, I have probably tried them all by now without any success at all, and they send me off to a counsellor, but I can't talk to those guys, it makes me really uncomfortable.
So what do I do? I'm almost giving up hope, I'm so tired of it all.
Sorry to babble on
x

 

[Dollit]

Have you talked to your GP about the mood swings and the irrational behaviour? You should certainly talk about the suicidal feelings and thoughts. Next time you see your GP go armed with a mood chart. If the mood changes are dramatic and frequent a mood chart will show this clearly. Anti-depressants don't suit everybody and sometimes you have to try other things to help you. What makes you uncomfortable around a counsellor? There are things you can try that can make a difference such as mindfulness meditation (trialled on the NHS in Swindon) and CBT which you can follow using a book. Both are very good and make you feel in control. And welcome to our forum

 

[jooblue]

Great way to say hi I know, but I seriously need some help
I don't even know who I am any more, I have suffered with depression and anxiety for about 8 years (diagnosed anyway, but really it's been a lot longer than that)... but recently, over the last 3 or 4 years I guess, something's been different. I'm withdrawn, don't want to see anyone, picking arguments, and generally being an irritable cow, but then when I pick a fight I get scared that the person is going to abandon me and I go out of my way to try and put things right to prevent that from happening. It's crazy, I don't know why I'm doing this? And my mood swings are so dramatic and severe these days I don't know myself at all, and I can't imagine what it must be like for my friends and family.
I'm self-harming on a small scale, and have even thought of suicide a few times recently. There are a huge number of other things
I don't know what to do, every time I go and see my GP they just stick me on more anti-depressants, I have probably tried them all by now without any success at all, and they send me off to a counsellor, but I can't talk to those guys, it makes me really uncomfortable.
So what do I do? I'm almost giving up hope, I'm so tired of it all.
Sorry to babble on
x

Hi there, I think you'll find a lot of support on this Forum and it's a good place to start looking for some help and support. I understand exactly what you are saying about picking a fight and then trying to make up for it - I do this a lot; I think I want to push people to either get on with hurting me so I can deal with it, or push people to prove they really like me. And then I realise it's not the way to deal with it at all and backtrack rapidly. I spoke to my GP about it and initially had the same reaction - a higher dose of citalopram anti-depressant, so I decided to make some notes at home in my own time saying exactly how I feel and how I behave and took them back with me to another appointment. It let me say everything i wanted to without being nervous that I'd miss something out. Is there another GP at your practice? Maybe even a nurse who might be able to listen to what you are saying and highlight your case if you're not happy to see the same one? I have been referred onto a specialist now, so I guess I am lucky, but it took a bit of time and a lot of persuasion. I don't know what their reasoning is, but it's important you go back and make them understand how you are feeling. Also, have you tried more than one counsellor? If you didn't get on with one, you might get on better with another.

It's easier said than done but try hard not to harm yourself, you're worth so much more than that and are precious! I'm sure some of the other guys on here will have some other good advice too...

 

[Fedup]

Hello and jackskellington

Glad you found us . We are a friendly bunch and will help and support as much as we can .

 

[jackskellington]

Hello, thank you for your replies, it's great to actually find people who really seem to understand what I'm going through at the moment... I have been depressed for years but with my moods swings and all that I'm sure there's something more going on than just depression and lack of self confidence... my GP doesn't really seem to understand
I want to tell my GP about the suicidal thoughts and stuff, but I'm so scared, I keep thinking that I'll be sectioned if I tell him! I don't know if that's a silly thing to think, or even if being sectioned would even be that bad, but I can't carry on just having the medication and the same advice, cos I'm going round in circles
Thank you for the advice about the mood chart, I will have an attempt at it, it's so hard to see when these moods are coming so it might not be easy but it's good advice and definitely worth having a go!
Hope you're all ok
x

 

[Dollit]

There's nearly always someone about on here and if a link comes up in my mail box I always check it as I'm sure everyone else does. This is a real community. Don't worry about being sectioned - you have to be seriously ill to get that far. Nice to see you again.

 

[Rorschach]

Hi there, this is a great place to thrash out any stuff you need to get of your chest. Hope we will be able to offer some support...

 

[sandybob]

hello ..welcome to here xx

 

[jooblue]

I want to tell my GP about the suicidal thoughts and stuff, but I'm so scared, I keep thinking that I'll be sectioned if I tell him!

It's important that your doctor knows everything about how you are feeling so he can give you the best treatment, and they won't jump to sectioning you, as there are a lot of options in between. It's frightening not knowing how the docs will react to what you say, but even if you weren't happy with his response you can ask for a second opinion.

 

[daffy]

Hi there jack and welcome.

I think a lot of people on here can relate to you holding back with the GP. I am sure that your GP with search all the other options open b4 admiting you to hospital. And you would be given the choice of going in voluntarily (which is the best thing).

Have you thought of phoning your GP to find out if any of the GPs are trained in psychiatry. I had a particularly good one at my practice and she got me the referals needed. Unfortunatly shes left now but I am now under the MH service and have a psychiatrist and a SW so i rarely see my GP now.

Do you have family at home with you to keep an eye on you.

Take care

 

[jackskellington]

Hi
Thank you again for your advice... am really glad I found this forum
My GP is monitoring me on a weekly basis at the moment, so when I have my appointment next week I will take a mood chart and also perhaps go into a bit more detail with him... the one I'm seeing at the moment is really nice and very sympathetic but I don't think he understands how I'm feeling
I hadn't thought about seeing if there are any at my surgery who specialise in psychiatry but that's another good idea that I might try
I've been very up and down again today, not feeling very good at all right now and not sure why either, as usual!
Hope you are all good

 

[Dollit]

Glad to see you're still here - that's a good idea of Daffy's and your GP will want information from you and if it's clearly presented they really do appreciate it. Keep on coming back, we're always here.

 

[jackskellington]

yes, still here
Today has been up and down as ever, a manic few hours, then a depressed few hours, then a panic moment, depressed, manic and hyper again, and I'm now back to depressed and confused.
Does anyone else suffer from mood swings that fluctuate so rapidly?

 

[Rorschach]

yes, still here
Today has been up and down as ever, a manic few hours, then a depressed few hours, then a panic moment, depressed, manic and hyper again, and I'm now back to depressed and confused.
Does anyone else suffer from mood swings that fluctuate so rapidly?

I can have very rapid mood swings, but I think they are separate to the affective component (i.e. Bi-polar) of my condition. Usually my mood swings have very specific external stimuli, whereas my mania and feelings of depression have no tangible causation...I tend to be in one or the other when 'ill' rather than swinging between them rapidly...

 

[jackskellington]

Hmmm
I wonder why mind are rapidly changing whereas others seem to be constant for a longer period of time?