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about me, very long, please read :)



Aug 15, 2008
hi everyone.

i opted not to write in a subforum such as depression or anxiety because i'm not sure really what is going on with me. so instead, i'll write here in a more general forum.

i'd like to share with you my symptoms. i'm not really looking for any answers on this board, of course. rather, i think it will help me to just type everything out, and lay it all out in front of me. i'd like to make some friends here, and have some open discussions with like minded individuals who can understand where i am coming from.

firstly, i am 27 years old. i've been having some sort of problem of one type or another since i was a young teenager.

i'm not really sure where to begin, since there is so much that goes on with me.

i guess i should start by saying that i am a very high functioning individual. i have a university degree, and am currently working toward my second. i take absolute responsibility for my actions, and for the most part, live my life very well despite the problems i face. i have a supportive husband and two small preschool aged children.

okay, where to begin! boy, it's really hard to know where to start when you have more than one symptom.

i go through periods similar to what someone with bipolar disorder might face. i tend to have a very rapid cycling change in moods. on a given day, i might feel irritability, anxiety, rage, sadness, emptiness, loneliness and excitement and elation and a real sense of optimism, all within one 24 hour period. my thoughts will often race, and i can't seem to calm myself down. i feel very 'motorized' sometimes. that's the word i like to use. but at the same time, i feel very depressed in the sense that i will cry easily, become VERY anxious over things like finances, household chores, etc. despite my obsessiveness over cleanliness, i have very poor personal hygiene most of the time. i just feel so overwhelmingly fatigued..the mere thought of the time and effort of cleaning myself is too much to bear. i will get tightness in the chest, racing heart, racing thoughts, and intrusive thoughts such as suicide ideation or thoughts of the actual act, even though i have no desire to do such. i will go into this in further detail a little later on.

i will often accuse my husband of things he has not done, and rationally, i know he is not at fault, but i can't stop the impulse to lash out at him. i may blame him for a dirty house, poor finances. i may accuse him of not looking at me when i speak, not loving me, or wanting to leave me because i'm a burden to him. he is a wonderful man. logically i know i have nothing to worry about...but i can't seem to stop.

let me stop here and say that i also have times where NONE of these feelings are present, and i am a very normal, functioning person in society. i feel just like a normal person quite often and don't have any of these symptoms at these times.

but when i am having a 'mood' as i like to call it, i feel like i can't stop talking about things to my husband, i feel extra chatty, and i feel very sensitive to light, music, sounds, etc. i feel like i can't handle loud noises or bright lights. i would rather bury myself under the blankets in a dark room and do absolutely nothing at all. my appetite will be strange. i will either become very obsessed with eating, or i will not want to eat at all. same with sleep. i will either want to oversleep, or i will not want to sleep at all. these feelings can all happen at exactly the same time, so it is quite distressing to not be able to 'make up my mind'.

when i'm a 'mood' i also have difficulty concentrating. reading...my eyes feel like they are jumping all over the page. i feel exhausted, and will fall asleep anywhere. my face shows it...i look horrendously tired and people constantly ask me what is wrong, are you sick, do you feel okay, you look so tired, etc.

i do not have any friends. i have a few acquaintences that i could see on a regular basis if i wanted to, but truth be told, i don't really want to most of the time. i am quite a homebody. sadly, and very difficult for me to admit, i don't often take my children outside. i feel as though these are superhuman efforts, and i feel so overwhelmingly fatigued and have such horrible headaches that i cannot bear the thought of too much activity. now again though...this isn't all the time. i might also have times where it isn't a problem at all to have a day planned full of activities, and function properly without problem. i do tend to chaulk it up to my being 'lazy' and 'just a part of my personality'. i do believe i have a lot of denial going on.

now, back to the suicide ideation. i have NO desire to commit suicide. NONE. i feel like i have a very full life most of the time, and look forward to my future. but at the same time, i envision suicide a lot. the thoughts flood my mind, and scare the heck out of me. for example, if i am crossing a bridge, i will suddenly envision myself throwing myself over the side. if i am walking down the street sometimes i will envision myself throwing myself in front of a car. it frightens the daylights out of me because i would NEVER do such a thing. but...i fear that if the impulse to do it hit me hard, that i would not have the strength to fight the impulse and would given it to the compulsion. this scares me horribly. again, i must say this doesn't happen all the time...only once in a while. normally at a time when i am already in a state of anxiety or agitation or having other racing thoughts.

a few more things i should mention about when i'm in a 'mood' is that i am a compulsive list maker, and i will obsess greatly over one thing. my obsessions change regularly. for example, one week i might be obsessed with saving money, so i will compulsively budget and save and meal plan. the next week, i might be obsessed with buying books for my children, and will spend $1000 dollars on books. the next week, i might be obsessed with exercise, and get it in my head that i am going to jog every single day. each obsession i choose totally consumes my life, and it is all that i think about. i feel as thought i neglect my family because i am busy making lists, and thinking about my current obsession.

now, another thing that i do..which i find very strange, is i talk out loud to people that aren't here. i do not know if i am having a hallucination. i cannot tell the difference between what i do, and what a true definition of a hallucination is. i do know that no one is there, ie, i am not SEEING a person there, but i cannot stop the conversation. for example, my thought processes tend to work in 'question and answer' format, as i like to call them. i constantly feel like people are asking me questions. i might feel like the voice is in my head, or i might pretend that someone is right in the room with me, asking questions. i do not verbalize the questions out loud myself, but i will answer the questions out loud, so i sound as thought i am having an entirely one sided conversation with myself out loud. thankfully, i can control this for the most part in public, and know when to 'turn it off'. i know that i can only do it when i am alone...but lately i do find myself doing it a bit more often than normal, and outside of my house, walking down the street, at the bus stop, etc. then i panic and wonder if people are looking out windows noticing what i am doing. the conversations i have with no one tend to be either a) a result of anxiety i am feeling, so i'm pretending that the voice is asking me about it, and i'm answering questions about my feelings or b) a grandiose, i'm so wonderful type of conversation, where this imaginary person thinks i am wonderful and i'm chattering on about how great i am.

well, i think about sums it up. if anyone has any like experiences, i'd love to hear about them. i know i probably sound a little off the wall, but the first step to getting help is admitting the need for it, right?

i go back and forth though between 'yes i need help' and 'no i don't, this is who i am, this is an ingrained part of my personality and i should not alter myself'.


I can't diagnose you, no one on here can, that's the job of a suitably qualified practitioner but you sound a lot like I do when I'm in a mixed state and I have Bipolar 1. This doesn't mean that you are of course but it may be worth talking to someone to have it ruled in or out.

Talk to a professional about it and see what they say. I identify with so much of what you say.

Can I just put you at ease about the suicidal ideation. It's just a solution your head considers at the time. Like if you're really stuck for cash you may consider spending you last money on a lottery ticket, you've got no chance of winning and you won't do it but you'll consider it. That's what suicidal ideation is and it can be quite a way between that and the action (personal experience). Impulsive suicide does happen but when you're in that mood, do as I do, and keep yourself safe
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