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About me and my kolpophobia...

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Cileb

New member
Joined
Aug 7, 2009
Messages
2
Location
Eastern Europe
I'm not sure if this is the right subforum to post my question in, but that's the closest one since my phobia causes anxiety to me and has impact on my everyday life. Also, the problem I have is about my mental (or rather psychiatric and psychosexual) development, so I believe this forum is the right place.

I am a 19-years-old male from Eastern Europe. I have several mental disorders - pure OCD, intrusive thoughts and clinical depression. I am taking fluoxetine to treat them. That's not what I am here about though. I want to share with you about an other problem I have.

I have severe kolpophobia. That means that I am afraid of vulvas.

I am asexual. I'm not planning to have sex ever. That's not a problem for me though - I don't like sex and just don't want to have it. Problem is, my kolpophobia has a strong impact on my everyday life. I find it hard to have contact with women. Example: I am biromantic. I can fall in love with women and men. I've never been in a relationship with anyone, but I'd like to. Problem is, if that's a woman, I'll be afraid of her genitalia. I mean, I will want to show her my affection to her - I'll want to hug her, to cuddle with her and do other physical non-sexual things. But every time I hug her I'll think "Ewww... I am so close to her vagina... I'm afraid of her genitalia..."

Please notice that I'm not a misogynist. I don't hate women - I actually like them very much. I love how emotional and gentle most women are (that's why I fall in love with women much more often than with men). I love women's personalities and bodies. I love everything in the female body except the vulva.

People would call my fear of vulvas irrational. But I believe it’s rational given what happened to me as a child.

Long story short: When I was about 3-years-old I asked my mother “What do women have between their legs?” That’s a perfectly normal question that every little boy asks his parents about. Problem is my mother lied to me. She told me that women have nothing between their legs. When I asked her “Where do they pee from then?” she told me “Through the asshole.”

I was a toddler so the though that she may have lied to me didn’t even cross my mind. I believed her because she was my mother. I believed her till I was 12. Then a thought came to my mind “What if women actually have something between their legs?” What ultimately led to me to the conclusion that women have orifices between their legs was TV – in movies they always showed that during childbirth women spread their legs. “That explains everything – women MUST have holes between their legs where babies come from.” Till then I believed that babies come out through the navel – that’s what my mother told me when I was little.

Finding out that women have a system of organs I’ve never known about was a huge shock to me. I couldn’t eat and sleep normally for months. I fell into despair and depression. It was the first severe personal crisis I had in my life. I hated my mother so, SO much. I wanted to kill her. Not only did I want her to die, I wanted to die too.

Because of the fact that I didn’t find out about vaginas when I had to (till I was still a toddler) but at the age of 12 instead, I started experiencing a huge fear to female genitals. I’m still afraid of them.

I’m not a professional psychologist or anything like that, but I dare to say that know quite much about psychology. One of the things I know is that in order for people to perceive the human body as something normal, they must learn about the basics of male and female bodies while they are still little kids. But that’s not the case with me, so now I feel semirational fear of vaginas.

I am afraid of the bodies of practically 50% of the world population. But there’s nothing I can do about it, it’s not my fault. It’s my mother’s fault. She says she hid the truth from me because “she wanted to preserve my innocence”. But I have no idea what’s wrong with little boys knowing the truth about the female genitals. :confused: I realize she didn’t intend to hurt me, but that’s what she ultimately did after all. :( Because of her ignorance and idiocy my mind is scarred for life. I’ll never forgive her what she did to me.

My question to you is has this happened to you or to someone you know? How did you/they solve this problem? What can I do? (These questions are rhetorical – I know there is nothing that can be done to solve my problem. It’s way too late.)

I don’t believe my problem can be solved, but at least I can tell other people about the pain I feel. What I really need right now is someone to feel empathy for me. :’(



So am I the only man whose mother is ignorant enough to ruin his life? :(
 
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A

Ainsworth

Guest
hey i cant help you cileb with your problem, but hugs and everything to you x

my mum ruin my life but in a different way, so know the non trust issue
 
bluenomore

bluenomore

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 30, 2009
Messages
5,527
Hi Cileb,

I'm sorry but I had never even heard of kolpophobia before reading your post. It's obviously quite a rare condition. I presume that you have seen doctors where you live. What have they said to you about getting treatment? Have you not been offered any therapy to maybe help you overcome your fears?
 
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Cileb

New member
Joined
Aug 7, 2009
Messages
2
Location
Eastern Europe
Hi Cileb,

I'm sorry but I had never even heard of kolpophobia before reading your post. It's obviously quite a rare condition.
Yes, it's quite rare. That's one of the things that make me sad - very few people actually understand me. It's hard to find other men with kolpophobia even on the internet. Even Wikipedia doesn't mention it anywhere.

I presume that you have seen doctors where you live. What have they said to you about getting treatment? Have you not been offered any therapy to maybe help you overcome your fears?
Most people in my country are quite conservative, so if I tell to some doctor "I am afraid of vaginas." he/she will think I'm gay. In the best case they will respond "You're a late bloomer, you'll start liking them soon."

Most people in my country haven't even heard of the term asexual, much less of the term kolpophobia.

The reason I'm not attracted to vaginas is not low libido or chemical imbalance. It is a mental problem, so no medication can help me.

Unfortunately, I don't think psychotherapy can help me either. I'm doomed till the end of my life to be afraid of something other men adore.

But my mother is gonna pay. She didn't intend to ruin my life, but she did it anyway. Her stupidity will not stay unpunished.

In the meantime all I can hope for is to find people who have gone through the same thing and find support in them.

Thanks for reading about my problem.
 
bluenomore

bluenomore

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 30, 2009
Messages
5,527
Unfortunately, I don't think psychotherapy can help me either. I'm doomed till the end of my life to be afraid of something other men adore.

But my mother is gonna pay. She didn't intend to ruin my life, but she did it anyway. Her stupidity will not stay unpunished.

In the meantime all I can hope for is to find people who have gone through the same thing and find support in them.

Thanks for reading about my problem.
I can understand that you may live in a conservative society where it is difficult to get help, but I wouldn't give up hope.

Why are you so dismissive of psychotherapy if you haven't tried it?

You sound like a an intelligent guy so I'm sure you've searched the internet for web sites where this condition is mentioned. I Hope you find more help out there.
 
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GrizzlyBear

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2008
Messages
971
Lots of parents have lied to their children about genitals/sexual matters (particularly within religious or conservative households) but such extreme reactions are quite rare.

I believe many therapists can work with you to resolve any childhood trauma you have experienced.
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi Cileb

And :welcome: to the forum.

Most phobias can actually be cured, whatever the phobia may be. So please do not feel that you are incurable. I am sure with the right form of treatment you will be able to get over your phobia. Perhaps you need to look at some form of psychotherapy to help, or hypnotherapy or something similar. I know you say there are reserved attitudes regarding these types of issues where you live, however I am sure well trained therapists in your area are not immune to hearing such things in the course if their career. Please do not judge them by what you believe before seeing them and finding out for yourself.

Unfortunately there is no rule book that tells you how to bring up your children, some parents do say these things in order 'to protect' their children with no insight to how it may effect their children in the long term. However I do feel it is wrong to resent your mother so much for doing so, when it appears she did not do it out of malice or hate towards you, but for what she thought was in your 'best interests'. Yes you can hate what she did, but can you hate the person and meaning behind it? I personally think that is unfair. Can you really punish someone for ignorance about a future prospect when the feeling and meaning behind it was deemed to be for your protection at that moment in time?

Perhaps you may also need to discuss the feelings you have about her with someone too.

In all, please do not feel you are a 'hopeless case', I am sure there is a therapist or treatment of some sort in your country that can help you, but in my opinion it won't help you if you dismiss them from the outset.
 
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