• Hi. It’s great to see you. Welcome!

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life. Amongst our membership there is a wealth of expertise that has been developed through having to deal with mental health issues.

    We are an actively moderated forum with a team of experienced moderators. We also have a specialist safety team that works extra hard to keep the forum safe for visitors and members.

    Register now to access many more features and forums!

About disillusionment

Z

Zaporogue

New member
Joined
Nov 29, 2019
Messages
4
Location
France
Hi everyone,

It would be fair to warn you by starting to tell that this will be a lenghty message about my situation right now, about how helpless I feel confronted to smallish life problems. This is my whining moment, as I've got few person to go to for this, except my psychiatrist, and just wanted to share, talk, and empty my bag.

To start, I must say that I was diagnosed as bipolar a coupe years ago, after a particularly bad depression that nearly got me. My world shattered, and I had lost all confidence in myself and my life before seeking treatment, but I won't tell much about how I got here. I started taking my meds (antidepressant+ mood regulators) and started taking responsibility for my life. At that time, I got back up mostly because I had a girlfriend after years of celibate, was busy with my master's degree and concert organization, different projects, and so on.

Today, I still struggle with the same problems I had back then, when I got my biggest depressive episode. After a manic episode this summer that lasted two months, and got resorbed with new medication, here comes the time of depression again.
I don't really know where to start, because that would need a lot of backstory. I'll just start by saying that I feel very alone. Even though people find me very sociable, and I'm not as shy and socially anxious as in my youth, I tend to feel very alone because nobody comes to me nor invite me to stuff. I get to see quite some friends usually, but lately it has been the friendship desert. I know BD causes this perception, but I can't quite stop the feelings of rejection and the thoughts of being abandoned and ignored by people, which in some cases is true. I also feel alone because I can't manage to find a girlfriend. After a year long relationship breakup last year, I tried to find someone again, but without success, as nearly every girl I tried to flirt with this year ignored or ghosted me. This gets straight to my confidence issues, and I feel miserable not to being able to attract someone.

The fact is I wouldn't appear as someone to complain on the appearances. I've got a job in the field I like, but it ends up to be loosy and not giving me the opportunity to gain money, hence live comfortably. I've got many friends and know a lot of people, but none will call me from time to time to check up on me or invite me to stuff. I've got many projects, but none seems to work fine enough nor bring me any recognition (even though it's not the objective I have with them). People would say I'm interesting, smart and attractive, but I cant' land a girlfriend, even though I missed some opportunities. It feels like my whole world is shattering appart, and the only one to blame is myself 'cause I end up spending my time in self loathing and destructive thoughts. I can't help but feeling like I do everything wrong, that no one truly loves me, that I'm full of default with everyone and everything, and that my life is going nowhere by now.
I know I'm letting the bipolar disorder speak at this moment, but I can't seem to make it shut. It got so deep in my mind that everything seems bleak now.

But I know I have to take responsibility for my actions and my disease. Here's mostly my plan, and why It doesn't work.

- I started to stop smoking (not tobacco) and got one month clear without problem
- I started doing sport again, and feel some benefit
- I try to go out with friends and try not to be paranoid, pushy or needy, even though it's very hard.
- I try to work as more as I can, even though I mostly feel depressed that I won't earn money
- I try to meet new girls, even though I feel like I don't have anything good to offer
- I try to drive my projects as much as I can, even though I feel overwhelmed and that it doesn't do much for me
- I try to have positive self talk, even though my mind will get back to depressive thoughts automatically.

I don't know where to go, I don't know what to do. My mind is confuse and I can't seem to explain my situation. Maybe tomorrow.
 
Z

Zaporogue

New member
Joined
Nov 29, 2019
Messages
4
Location
France
The reason of my post was initially to try to pin down my issues with people while being depressed. I try to go out and see friends and acquaintances, but they ignore me or have excuses not to see me. I felt and thought that I may be a bit pushy or needy, which may be true as I feel very alone in this moment, mostly spending my days laid down on the couch or working because how unsatisfied I feel with what my life has become. I try to do the right things and not loose hope, but reality seems to be of a different opinion.
I know that one of my biggest issue is the fear of abandonment. I try to develop an healthy self esteem, starting from the inside and not from what others may think. I try to be patient and give time to people to answer, but they often seem to disappoint me or not to care.
I want to take back control of my life, but there's too many things going at once.
 
Top