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A text too far? Help

S

so sad

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 24, 2016
Messages
114
So, today I was supposed to be going to a work conference. I've missed the last 2 years due to mental health. It was a choice of 2 days and my manager specifically chose the day I could do so if I wanted to go she would be there to support me. Another colleague was also going. Last night my manager rang to say she couldn’t go, work was manic and she couldn’t afford to lose a day. My colleague, N, was still going. I do get on with him but he is the opposite to me. He is confident, can talk to anyone. He wants to get on so loves networking (my idea of hell). Although not my ideal company for the day but still someone I knew and I could stick with. This morning, all ready to go, scared to death etc, he rings to say he isn’t going as he is sick.

I freaked out – I could do the travel although it’s a long way with train changes but the thought of being at a conference with 500 people I don’t know was overwhelming. I bottled it. I text my manager and told her I couldn’t do it. She said that was fine.



I have since emailed her – I apologized for not being more like N. Not confident enough to step in and help her when she is busy as I’m just too scared. Sorry for being frustrating and so ‘special needs’.



I know she has read it. I know she is busy. I am freaking out that she is now mad with me for emailing her that. I’m so angry with myself for doing it. I’m so bloody stupid.



I’m also not convinced that N is ill. I just think he couldn’t bear the thought of spending the day with me. I’m so caught up in my head that I’m boring company.



I can’t put into words quite how much I hate myself right now. I can’t blame others for hating me when I can see why they would.



I haven’t self harmed since November – there is a very high risk/chance that it will happen today.



Why am I so damn stupid and ridiculous??

x
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
888
Location
Norfolk
So, today I was supposed to be going to a work conference. I've missed the last 2 years due to mental health. It was a choice of 2 days and my manager specifically chose the day I could do so if I wanted to go she would be there to support me. Another colleague was also going. Last night my manager rang to say she couldn’t go, work was manic and she couldn’t afford to lose a day. My colleague, N, was still going. I do get on with him but he is the opposite to me. He is confident, can talk to anyone. He wants to get on so loves networking (my idea of hell). Although not my ideal company for the day but still someone I knew and I could stick with. This morning, all ready to go, scared to death etc, he rings to say he isn’t going as he is sick.

I freaked out – I could do the travel although it’s a long way with train changes but the thought of being at a conference with 500 people I don’t know was overwhelming. I bottled it. I text my manager and told her I couldn’t do it. She said that was fine.



I have since emailed her – I apologized for not being more like N. Not confident enough to step in and help her when she is busy as I’m just too scared. Sorry for being frustrating and so ‘special needs’.



I know she has read it. I know she is busy. I am freaking out that she is now mad with me for emailing her that. I’m so angry with myself for doing it. I’m so bloody stupid.



I’m also not convinced that N is ill. I just think he couldn’t bear the thought of spending the day with me. I’m so caught up in my head that I’m boring company.



I can’t put into words quite how much I hate myself right now. I can’t blame others for hating me when I can see why they would.



I haven’t self harmed since November – there is a very high risk/chance that it will happen today.



Why am I so damn stupid and ridiculous??

x
Try not to be too hard on yourself, you are doing the best you can under difficult circumstances. Long deep breaths, try to relax and focus your mind on something pleasant and try to stop thinking! If your boss had an issue with you she’d talk to you and as she hasn’t there isn’t a problem. Your emotions will hopefully calm down soon..just ride the wave until they settle down. Good luck.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Jun 13, 2016
Messages
819
You was obviously put into a very difficult and stressful situation. How well does your Manager/Company know you? May I ask the nature of their business and the nature of the conference and the company's expectation of your participation in the conference. May I also ask if your company knows you struggle with your mental health :hug:
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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Nov 6, 2016
Messages
4,150
Location
Ireland
Hi so sad...

I totally understand how you feel....

I have done this SO MANY TIMES myself so I know how you mentally beat yourself up afterwards and sometimes physically too....

The anger and frustration is enormous and I find it very difficult to find anything that helps.... The only thing is to hear back from the person really and for them to be as friendly/normal as before...

Sometimes when I have text my therapist about something and she hasn't replied, I look up her name on rip website here to see if she died and that's why I haven't heard back.... Obviously she's not listed, but I feel worse then knowing she's alive and simply didn't get back to me...

Can you think of ANY reason to text your boss again or to give a quick call? Something small even but sounds legitimate?

I don't think you should beat yourself up for sending it in the first place..... We need to 'know' that things are ok in these situations, and there is nothing to be done about that (well that's me anyway) But I don't think you'll be able to put it 'away' until you have had contact in some form...

I hope you think of something so that you can wind down again..... That agitated high is so difficult to control....

Please do mind yourself

:hug:
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
819
Without knowing your boss, or the whole message, I would simply say "don't panic". Your boss probably knows you and your performance levels more than well enough to probably disregard remarks made in the heat of self frustration, and the thought of letting your boss and company down ;)
 
S

so sad

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 24, 2016
Messages
114
Thanks for the replies.

My manager knows about my mental health and is very supportive. When she rang to say she couldn't make the conference she gave me the get out clause there and then. I know she wouldn't expect me to go on my own but it just feels like another failure where work is concerned.

I work for a government department in HR.

My boss did respond and she said it was fine not to go. She didn't acknowledge the other stuff I wrote about being hard work. She probably completely agrees but doesn't want to say.

I also always think the worse when I text my therapist and if I don't get a response I assume that either she is ill or hates me.
I ring my therapist before I just cried down the phone. She knows I rarely cry so she knows what a big deal it is for me but I am at the end of my coping abilities.

I want this to end but I find it hard to describe what 'this' is.

My main fear right now is that my manager goes on leave next for 3 weeks and work has gone chaotic. I'll be expected to step in for her in some circumstances and I don't feel able to do that.

I'm just crumbling

x
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Mar 9, 2012
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9,507
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
You are not stupid or ridiculous, it sounds like you reached your breaking point, everyone has a breaking point where they can't deal with something anymore :hug:
 
S

so sad

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 24, 2016
Messages
114
I just wish I knew what to do to get through it :low:
 
G

Girl interupted

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Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,258
Deep breath.

It’s good that your manager knows and even gave you an out. It means it’s ok what happened.

Your go-to voice is to beat yourself up. Have you ever spoken to your therapist about who that voice is? I can tell you it’s not you.

It may seem overwhelming right now, and believe me, I totally get that feeling, it’s awful, but tomorrow is a fresh day.

Work with your therapist on addressing that voice and getting stronger. Have you found a place to land yet in July? Focus on that too. I think you are dealing with so many what-ifs right now that it’s drowning you. Try to break each apart and tackle one at a time so it’s not everything at once. Plan for your own wellbeing. Invest in you.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
888
Location
Norfolk
I just wish I knew what to do to get through it :low:
Fears of abandonment, using emotional reasoning, using judgments and thoughts are causing you to suffer although the FACTS you outline would say otherwise.
Try to get yourself calm, focus on only the present moment until your emotions settle down. Try to do absolutely nothing until your emotions are under control and just focus on one day at a time.
 
S

so sad

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 24, 2016
Messages
114
Thank you all for the advice - you're all right.

I am too much in emotional mind. I'm seeing everything through a lens of self hate and self doubt. I feel very close to having a complete breakdown. I am attending to my own needs, eating OK, making sure I sleep with meds (I know not ideal but I can't bear being awake at night), making sure I do things for me. Its the responsibility that I can't cope with. I've lost any ability I used to have to make decisions - I'm always too scared I'll make the wrong one and that applies across the board, not just at work.
In a couple of weeks I'm creating a DBT crisis plan with my therapist that will apply once the DBT ends. I'm seeing the psychiatrist next month about meds and I need to get CHMT back being proactive as my care coordinator has been off sick since December and I need a permanent replacement.
Its so hard when I can't see beyond the next hour or so.
A few weeks back I gave my therapist my stash of self harm tools. I don't want to buy more but I'm finding myself preoccupied thinking what else I could use.
You know when you just want to find your 'off' switch - That's where I'm at.
Today we're having a team meeting at work where my manager will do a handover - I'm filling up just thinking about it. I really don't want to lose it in the meeting - if it was just her it would be bad enough but with N in there too - well, how humiliating would that be?!
x
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
888
Location
Norfolk
Thank you all for the advice - you're all right.

I am too much in emotional mind. I'm seeing everything through a lens of self hate and self doubt. I feel very close to having a complete breakdown. I am attending to my own needs, eating OK, making sure I sleep with meds (I know not ideal but I can't bear being awake at night), making sure I do things for me. Its the responsibility that I can't cope with. I've lost any ability I used to have to make decisions - I'm always too scared I'll make the wrong one and that applies across the board, not just at work.
In a couple of weeks I'm creating a DBT crisis plan with my therapist that will apply once the DBT ends. I'm seeing the psychiatrist next month about meds and I need to get CHMT back being proactive as my care coordinator has been off sick since December and I need a permanent replacement.
Its so hard when I can't see beyond the next hour or so.
A few weeks back I gave my therapist my stash of self harm tools. I don't want to buy more but I'm finding myself preoccupied thinking what else I could use.
You know when you just want to find your 'off' switch - That's where I'm at.
Today we're having a team meeting at work where my manager will do a handover - I'm filling up just thinking about it. I really don't want to lose it in the meeting - if it was just her it would be bad enough but with N in there too - well, how humiliating would that be?!
x
Try to get yourself into Wise mind before your meeting. Lots of deep breaths, give yourself lots of loving and positive affirmation statements. You can do this. x
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
819
Should anything be said (it probably won't), remember that you was put into a very stressful situation and it is known your mental health can sometimes struggle. As I understand it, your Manager is about to go on leave, the last thing he or she wants to do is cause complications in their absence, plus what you put in that message was private and confidential :) Good luck, everyone is behind you :)
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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Staff Member on Leave
Joined
Nov 6, 2016
Messages
4,150
Location
Ireland
Hi so sad

Just wondering how you got on today at the team meeting? I hope it wasn't terribly stressful for you. It is very daunting to be left in a position of authority where you are responsible for decision making and you feel overwhelmed.

Your boss does sound understanding though so I hope that she did this handover bearing your difficulties in mind.

Go easy on yourself now. Take all the time you need when you do need to make a decision, and you can always run it by a colleague if you aren't 100%.

I think anyone would feel anxious about being left to cover for someone else, so don't worry if you feel out of your depth - I think that's very normal!

Mind yourself :hug:
 
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