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A story to tell

Bella White

Bella White

Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
17
Location
Canada
Don't know if this fits in this category..


Well, hello. I am a 14 year-old girl who has really screwed up her life. About 4 years ago, I lived in a different area in my town, where I had two really great friends. School was alright and things were just fine. Life was pretty good. Unfortunately my family had to move to a new location. I was really sad about moving. I've always been that little shy/ quiet person. I've always been very self-conscious. I always hated the way I looked. I was scared about changing school and not making new friends. But my mother told me, that everything was gonna be alright. That I would make new friends and that I would like our new house and location. My mother was never wrong, so I believed her. And also, my two friends promised that we would be "BFF" and never loose contact. We moved at the time when I was starting 6th grade. It was a very small school, much smaller then my old one. My class was a split class. Everyone knew each other very well and I was sorta the odd ball in the corner. I was teased very badly in that school. I was also teased a bit in my old school but not very much. Just the kinda friend tease since I knew everyone so well. One reason that I was teased badly in my new school was because my background was different from theirs. And that seemed like a problem to those children because there were two other people who came from different backgrounds (not the same as me) who were also always the ones left behind. Those kids who teased were so ignorant and I don't even think they had a heart. They'd make me cry almost everyday and just kept continuing. All those kids were pretty athletic and just because I was bad at PE they'd tease me like hell. But I lived through it. Then it was time for High School. (High School starts at 7th grade here.) Through my 6th grade year, I became a lot more self-conscious then I already was before. High School has a lot of different people from everywhere, and I thought I would probably make a new friend. But I was wrong. I was alone everywhere. Always had no place to go at lunch-time. Just sitting in the library every single day listening to my iPod. But then I didn't really mind it. I learned how to stay alone and thought it was okay with me. I didn't care about the people in my school. But maybe one of the reasons was because, I wasn't alone. I know this sounds extremely stupid but... at the end of 2006, I met a person. On the internet. I know that's not right. But at the time I didn't have anyone one to talk to so I would just used the internet to feed me. I never liked myself, and obviously if I don't like myself, how would anyone like me. So I lied to this person. I lied terribly. I started fresh as a new person with him. I lied about my name, my age, my friends, my family, my life story... everything. And I was lying by the telling the story of the person I always wanted to be. The life I want to have. This guy that I talked to... he ended up liking this new me a lot. (he doesn't know anything about the in reality me.) He knows the real me. As in the person deep inside me that never comes out. He ended up liking me a whole lot and it was so obvious all blind things could tell... and with this new story of me, I had a soul mate, a lover, what most people call a "boyfriend", which my internet friend was really sad about. We used to talk about everything. He used to always tell me about how much he thought his life was screwed up. And the story he told was the same as mine. So it felt so good that someone out there felt the same way I did. I ended up falling in love with him. Expect for the person he knew I was, I couldn't tell him that. And then one day, he tells me he's in love with me. It felt great but I knew I was hurting him because I somehow could not admit that I do too. He always thought that he meant shit to me. But really he's the most important thing in my life. He's my air. And I know that sounds totally crazy; falling in love with someone miles away, not even seeing their face. I never felt that "lovesick" feeling, cause I always thought that I had a chance. That he would keep loving me. But again, like I always do, I screwed up. Two years have gone by since then. And now we barely talk at all. And if we do, it lasts two seconds. I think it is because I never know what to say to him, so he could like me more. Now is when I feel that "lovesick". I know what lovesick is now. It's the feeling that does not allow you to breathe anymore unless you force it to and yet you still can't breathe. It's the feeling that makes you lye in bed for hours until your eyes get weak and can't hold themselves up anymore. I know this sounds totally stalkish, but I created a new email, a new character and with this character I asked him if he was in love, he said "not really". Then I asked him if he liked anyone.... and you know what... he named 7 girls. 7... not one was my name. I stalked him on his myspace. Looking at all the girls on his Top 12 or whatever. Those are all the girls he named. Now I keep thinking that he probably doesn't want to talk to me anymore because those girls are probably so much better than I am. And he doesn't talk to me anymore cause his life has improved so much since we first met... and he probably doesn't need me anymore. We haven't had a real conversation in months and it's making me sick... really sick... so sick I stopped eating. Been feeling really weak. My skins changing colour. Now is where I feel lonely and that I need someone to talk to. I can't stop thinking about those two old friends I had before I moved. "Do they remember me?" "Should I email them?" "What will they think of me?". I feel like I lost everything, now that "he's" not really there anymore. My parents have no idea how I feel. My dad doesn't give a shit about anything. And he keeps telling me that I'm a terrible daughter and I have exactly no clue what I did wrong. I keep hating him more and more everyday. My mother is very understanding. She knows something is wrong with me. She told me that I should see a therapist, but I keep saying no because I don't want everyone in my family to think I'm insane or having issues, even thought I know I am. Just to clear this out my parents don't know anything about what I just said. I always keep my thoughts clouded up in my mind. And it's making me sick, I need that someone to put it on.

I know some things I said are very selfish and I'm sorry. Some things might not be clear. I never learned how to explain how I truly feel or what I really mean. And I'm posting this because I want to know what you guys think I should do, your opinion ect.. but the main reason I'm posting this is because I can't keep it in anymore, even though I didn't exactly add everything. But I had to let it out somehow. And I think I might feel a little better after posting this and reading your comments....

Thank you to anyone who took time to read and respond. It means a lot to me.
 
Lozzi_1004

Lozzi_1004

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 28, 2008
Messages
1,850
Location
Yorkshire, UK
Hi Bella :) and :welcome:

My my long post... was send my eyes funny by the end :p

Anyways, first thing; you're not insane and no-one will think you are! You were feeling very lonely and isolated and you turned to the internet for friends, it's not a crime - many people do it! But when you started telling this guy about the girl you wanted to be you made a mistake but then again, you weren't to know this guy would end up "falling in love" (I say it like that because you can never be too sure on the internet and he seems to have how many other girls he likes?) with you and you with him.
Being lovesick isn't nice; my boyfriend and myself both were over each other - nice ending to the story, we're together!
Anywho, my life aside - you really need to get over this guy. Probably not what you wanted to hear but I'm being honest. Firstly, you started speaking to him on the internet and you lied to him - how do you know he didn't lie to you? Then there's the fact that even though you've not spoken to him (and it seems he doesn't seem interested to speak to you either) and he has other girls lined up on the internet, he may make a habit of just meeting girl after girl on the internet. I've been there and had that type of guy too and when you're in a vunerable position like you are now it hurts as you well know!

I think you need to start making a little more of an effort - definitely email you're 'old' friends, just start out with something casual like "Hi, how're you" etc. They might be thrilled to hear from you, don't make assumptions of what others are thinking it's a dangerous trap!! High school's a big place, could you maybe join in any extra cirricular activities you enjoy? Are there centres where you could start going outside of school etc? There's a million and one ways to make friends - the internet is one of them, just be careful.

Don't be too hard on yourself either, you haven't made any mistakes really. You moved to another area and started a new school - none of this is your fault, you're bound to go with your parents at the end of the day! Have you spoken to anyone about the bullying? Teachers, you're mother? You're only 14, you're still young and have plenty of time to make friends :) Try not to obsess over it too much and just enjoy doing other things and start talking to you're other friends!!

Sorry my post's a bit lengthy (or makes no sense for that matter!). Sending you :hug:
Lozzi
:flowers:
 
S

saffron

Guest
Hi Bella
Being fourteen is a very hard time for girls, I was one once and I have a daughter who is now 18 and went through the same sort of feelings about herself as you are so you are certainly not alone.
But you must stop living a lie. You can only keep this up a certain amount of time before you start running out of this to say, or being sussed out. you can only go by what this guy has wrote, as he has done by what you have wrote, maybe he has been fabricating things to make himself sound or feel better too and is probably telling every girl a different thing.

When you sit and think about how you would like to be what is it you come up with?

do you ever sit and think about what you have got already?

It is very important to be honest with those who love you because even though they should know how you feel they are not mind readers and cannot help or understand if you keep on a false mask. Or are not sure of how to help you as they can only guess what is wrong. Your mum knows there is something wrong and is understanding so give her a chance to help the one she loves, YOU.
Go and talk to your doctor and someone at school as there is proberly counselling sessions available for you to say how you feel openly, this is the way forward and you can then get help with improving yourself esteem.

coming onto forums like this is a great help, and why you are still on the net at least you are talking to people who will understand what you are going through so you can be youself. and you have been honest with us so thats a start. How do you feel about that?

By what we have seen so far you are a very brave and sensitive girl and those are very much valued qualities.
Kids at school can be very hurtful, if your not in with the it crowd, but I bet half of them dont even like each other properly. They just believe that if they act like something they will be liked it does not mean they are actually like that. But it seems that they are just interested in whats on the outside and not on the inside which is much more important. Which is one reason why people make friends and can talk on internet because that all that can be seen, whats on the inside.
welcome to the forum and we are always here to listen and help in the best way we can. You are an important and worthwhile human being and never forget that.
thinking of you
S
 
S

saffron

Guest
just as an after thought, have a look through the self help section of the forum
and have a read of the person centred thread.
it might help.

S
 
G

GrizzlyBear

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2008
Messages
971
Hi Bella.

It was around your age that my life starting causing me great suffering. My parents divorced, my mom and sister starting 'sleeping around' (sometimes with the same guys), my mom would offer me drugs and get me drunk and later she tried to kill herself. This after a fairly normal sheltered upbringing. Needless to say I was a bit under-prepared for this.

Anyhoo....I'm writing because I let things go and now I'm 35 and wishing I'd had help sooner. If you need help you should get it. Yeah it might suck for your family to know you're seeing a therapist....but believe me it's better to get it out of the way when a person's 14 than wait until it's all gotten too much and they're 30 and leaping off a tall building....

Sorry for being dramatic...but you could nip all sorts of (potential) problems in the bud if you take action now.

Maybe this does'nt apply to you - maybe it does.

I mean well....I hope things get better whatever you decide to do.
 
Bella White

Bella White

Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
17
Location
Canada
I just want to say a big thank you to those who read and responded. Reading your responses made me feel so much better.

About the guy, the girls he likes are people he knows in the real world. That's why I feel like I can't really be there for him like they are for him. But other then that I really do think I have to get over him. But I have no idea how. I also feel like I don't want to get over him because if I do, I'll feel like I don't have anyone to turn to or talk to. And I just might feel even more lonelier.

About 2 years ago, my dad was in a serious tragedy. A bridge collapse that caused so many physical problems for him and our family financial problems. He's been living at home 24/7 since then. Our family is almost going bankrupt. We haven't had money for so long, we hardly do anything. Since I don't have any friends, the only thing I do everyday is sit at home in front of the tv or computer.

I've been wanted to loose weight too. I know I need to exercise but I don't know how. I think that might be another reason why I stopped eating, and I know it's not healthy for me.

I've found another way how I could feel less lonely. I have gotten into music. I always wanted to learn how to sing and be in a band. But I sound like crap. So I've thought of going to singing lessons. But my parents do not support music. They don't want me listening to music. They have no idea that I have a love for music and that it's very important to me. So I've let that dream go, but I still think about it everyday. I have a great love for this band called Paramore. Their music has made me feel really great at though times. And somehow I feel that I know each band member personally and that we're somehow great friends. I always dream about meeting them or going to their concert, but that will probably never happen.

On boxing day, I went out with my mom and my aunt. We went to wal-mart. My mom bought videogames that my brother and sister wanted. I never usually ask for much from my parents. Because the only thing I really want is a regular 14 year-old's life. While we were waiting at the cash, me and my brother were looking at the Guitar Hero game that they were selling. I always wanted that game, because even though I can't be in the band I want to be in, playing it in a videogame is better than nothing. Plus my favorite band, Paramore are in that videogame. I really wanted to play it. While waiting, I was telling my mom that it was a really fun, popular game, that everyone played at school. Since I never really do ask for anything, my mom felt sorry and bought it for me. I was kinda scared for buying it though, because like I said before, my parents, (mostly my dad) does not support music. I told my mom that we shouldn't buy it cause my dad would probably have a freak attack. She said that she'll deal with and it was gonna be okay. But she was wrong. When we got home, me and my brother started playing it. It was so much fun, I loved it. I was so happy. But then my dad got really mad because of the whole "guitar" thing and we had to return it...

Even though I don't have friends, my aunt alway used to take me and my siblings places. Shopping, movies ect... She was never married or had her own kids so she used to do a lot for us. She's 35 and now getting married. I'm very happy that she's getting married, but kinda sad at the same time. Ever since she's been with her boyfriend, I hardly see or talk to her anymore. And my life's become even more boring.

I thought about emailing my old friends, but I'm kinda scared. I feel that they probably have a better life now and probably don't care for me anymore. Maybe they don't remember me at all. And if I do email them, what will I say?

And I have a question for Saffron... when you said I was a "brave girl", what exactly do you mean? I can't find any qualities of me that make me brave.
 
G

GrizzlyBear

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2008
Messages
971
When we got home, me and my brother started playing it. It was so much fun, I loved it. I was so happy. But then my dad got really mad because of the whole "guitar" thing and we had to return it...
Really? I'm assuming he means well....that he wants you to have a steady career and not be a, possibly out-of-work, musician. If not that sounds a bit weird. What on earth does the whole "guitar" thing mean? :confused:

Even is you are scared e-mail your friends - it is better to regret the things you do than the things you don't.

Sure, you're brave. It takes courage to ask for help or advice and it takes courage, sometimes, to even talk about our problems.
 
S

saffron

Guest
you are brave because you have put up with a lot in your life and never complained, you are brave because you are ready to admit your problems and you are brave because you have asked for help.
It sounds like you dad is very worried about the future and money, maybe spending money on things like that is seen as a waste, he is probably very angry at not being able to suppport his family in the way he wants.
You say you love to sing, thats great, there must then be some sort of club yoiu could join, a drama club is excellent because you can sing dance and all sorts.
Maybe you could ask your mum if you could do something to earn money for yourself so that you can bbuy the guitar thing again, could you do some local dog walking or car cleaning for your immediate neighbours, obviouslly make sure it is safe.
It is never too late to contact your old friends, just ask them how they are and tell them you miss them. they are also going through changes and it is so easy to loose touch. they might be thinking the same as you, that you have forgot them. Whats the worse that could happen eh. you already do not keep in touch so if they have moved on then you are in the same boat, if they are glad you have got in touch then you have found your old friends again. remember people change their views very quickly at that age so do not take it personally if they have moved on.
I remember when I was your age, I fell in love with adam ant and was devistated when the band broke up, but that is a part of growing up, we all have our idols. especially when they speak so deeply to you through their songs. Music speaks to us in a lot of ways, actually there is a thread on chillout cafe. Join in with some of the things there it is fun and you get to know about us here and we get to know you, and while you may not be able to meet in person, we can all be pen pals. I am friends with someone in Texas, and while we will probably never meet in person I feel I really know and like her.
Also tallk to your aunt and tell her that you miss her, she is going through a change in her life at the moment and it will all be a wirlwind to her.
thinking of you bella
S
 
Bella White

Bella White

Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
17
Location
Canada
Really? I'm assuming he means well....that he wants you to have a steady career and not be a, possibly out-of-work, musician. If not that sounds a bit weird. What on earth does the whole "guitar" thing mean? :confused:

Even is you are scared e-mail your friends - it is better to regret the things you do than the things you don't.

Sure, you're brave. It takes courage to ask for help or advice and it takes courage, sometimes, to even talk about our problems.
what i mean, is that, i know it sounds very confusing and not understandable, but in my religion music is forbidden. so there for my dad does not want me listening or having me anything to do with music.


as for the guy, i talked to him yesterday. as it's been for a long while, our conversation was very short. i was acting (or more talking...) very normally, but somehow he could've told that something was wrong, so he asked me what was wrong. i lied and told him nothing, except that i haven't been myself lately.

how could he tell? it was weird and awkward. but i just wish we would have our old conversations back.. like the ones we had when we first met. we'd talk for hours about everything. now all we say is hello. it's so annoying. i REALLY wish we could have a longer coversation, just like before. but i never know what to say or talk about anymore. i used to feel so comfortable talking to him and now it just... i don't know. i just really want to know if he still loves me or not.. i don't want to ask because i'd probably sound like an idiot. does anyone of you know how you can tell if someone is still in love with you?
 
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G

GrizzlyBear

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
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Messages
971
what i mean, is that, i know it sounds very confusing and not understandable, but in my religion music is forbidden. so there for my dad does not want me listening or having me anything to do with music.
Okay. Well, he's trying to protect you then. I know that it's tough to be 14....I like that the Amish (for example) 'allow' the youngsters to leave at 16. Some don't come back but plenty do. If you are passionate about music it may well be that you will just get on with enjoying it when you are 16 when presumably your dad can't tell you what to do anymore - unless of course you decide to follow the same religion.

I hope I did'nt offend you. It was silly of me to make that comment because I have strong beliefs myself and I don't think that they make me weird ...at least, not in a bad way!

.
i just really want to know if he still loves me or not.. i don't want to ask because i'd probably sound like an idiot. does anyone of you know how you can tell if someone is still in love with you?
Well, if you don't ask you can only second-guess him. It's not a great place to be....second-guessing (I know that only too well)...the alternative is to ask and even if you feel silly for a short while it's nowhere near as painful second-guessing for days/months/years.
 
S

saffron

Guest
Hello Bella
sorry, I didnot realise that music was not accepted in your religion? I am not religious at all but am interested in knowing what religion does not accept music, hope you dont mind me asking.

As for the boy you like, normally when we first meet someone it is very exiting and fun because we are still getting to know everything about one another, however, because you told a few exagerations about yourself it is now harder for you to move onto the next level in really getting to knwo each others thoughts and feelings. If He asks you what is wrong he is taking an interest and has actually noticed that there is something wrong (beleive me that is a rarity in guys lol) anyway, when you talk to him again, tell him small manageable (without going to deep or blurting out all your problems at once) things about how you feel and see how he responds.
you will then be able to discuss things that are deeper than say 'whats your favorite record' etc. do you see what I mean. but you must learn to be more open and honest with him if you want him to respect you as a friend. He will probably feel really let down if he finds out you have been lying to him all the time about who you are, he is speaking to the other you not the real you. So you will never be able to keep up that pretence for ever.
You should start to be more honest with him before you go down the 'do you still love me route' . Or he may be saying he likes/loves a completely fabricated person.
If there are any clubs at school that you are allowed to join in that has music involved would you be allowed to participate in that?
If you cannot listen to music you could always write poems and songs couldnt you, not sure if that is allowed either? sorry.
est wishes
S
 
Bella White

Bella White

Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
17
Location
Canada
Thanks for your help, saffron and GrizzlyBear. I very much appreciate it.

I really want to write my own songs/ lyrics and I actually wrote a few of them. But honestly, they are extremely crappy. I've posted them on some other forum where I go on (a Paramore fans one) some people replied saying that they were pretty good. but they still suck like crap, and i'm scared to show them to anyone else. i really wish i could improve somehow, but i don't know how. i know i should practice writing more, but it's very hard for me to put how i feel or what i mean in words.

as for my two old friends... i thought about emailing them, but i didn't. instead i logged on my msn messenger (which i haven't been on in a long time) and my two friends were online. online for about three hours, and not once did they say hello. i felt like saying hi, but then i thought they probably didn't want to talk to me.. so i just let it go..

and i've been having these massive headaches and body pain. i can't sleep at night because my back or my whole body usually hurts wicked bad. or if i have a headache. i usually fall asleep between 1:00 am to 3:00 am. and it's so annoying. i always feel extremely weak too. yesterday during class, my head was hurting so much i felt like screaming. i'm pretty sure it was a migraine. it was only my first class of the day and i thought of just taking the bus home. but i didn't cause i knew my mom was gonna get super mad because i already miss too much school.

I really hate going to school. so much. i miss so many days just cause of it. everyone in my school is just extremely annoying, ignorant, obnoxious and just stupid. i hate it so much. i begged my mom for home schooling, but she wouldn't let me do it.

as for the guy, i never have any idea what to tell him what's wrong. i'm not even sure half the time if i even understand what really is wrong with me. and most of the time now, i never feel comfortable talking with him, because he's usually "chillin with a friend" and i'm guessing that he's friend is probably reading our convo which i'm not too comfortable about. i thought of maybe hinting him, to let him know that i miss talking to him. like, should i say something like, "hey we hardly talk anymore" or is that a bad idea?

i just wish and pray that something good could happen for me. just once. i always try to say "it's okay. it could be worse. it'll get better." but it never does. it just gets worse. day by day. it's been for 3 years and now it's going to be four. i just don't know what to do anymore. i feel like this is all my life has to offer and nothings ever gonna change. and that it'll just keep getting worse.
 
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G

GrizzlyBear

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Founding Member
Joined
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Messages
971
I really want to write my own songs/ lyrics and I actually wrote a few of them. But honestly, they are extremely crappy. I've posted them on some other forum where I go on (a Paramore fans one) some people replied saying that they were pretty good. but they still suck like crap, and i'm scared to show them to anyone else. i really wish i could improve somehow, but i don't know how. i know i should practice writing more, but it's very hard for me to put how i feel or what i mean in words.
Maybe they are good? If you think not just keep at it. I've been writing poetry since I was fourteen and songs since I was about 20. I taught myself to play the piano and recorded some not very good songs using synths and such.

Years later something happened to me and now I am playing the guitar and my voice is actually getting quite good and the songs I'm writing are pretty cool too. Sometimes things happen when they are meant to. But Kate Bush was writing amazing songs when she was close to your age.....

Is it lyrics for your songs that you posted? I'd love to see them. I understand the fear when letting people see/hear songs....but it is important to remember that people like different things...some people are simply not going to like them (or mine). Trust your instincts but don't be deceived by negative thoughts.
 
Bella White

Bella White

Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
17
Location
Canada
Maybe they are good? If you think not just keep at it. I've been writing poetry since I was fourteen and songs since I was about 20. I taught myself to play the piano and recorded some not very good songs using synths and such.

Years later something happened to me and now I am playing the guitar and my voice is actually getting quite good and the songs I'm writing are pretty cool too. Sometimes things happen when they are meant to. But Kate Bush was writing amazing songs when she was close to your age.....

Is it lyrics for your songs that you posted? I'd love to see them. I understand the fear when letting people see/hear songs....but it is important to remember that people like different things...some people are simply not going to like them (or mine). Trust your instincts but don't be deceived by negative thoughts.
thanks for your support. i don't mind sending you a few songs. i'll private message them to you.

and wow i thought your story was so awesome. i hope that happens for me some day haha.
 
S

saffron

Guest
Hi Bella

I can see that you are very confused at the moment about how you feel about yourself and therefore are always looking for approval from others. that is a natural behaviour so do not think there is anything wrong with you. However, sometimes you have to stop critising yourself and allow yourself to like something you have done even if no one else does.
Poetry etc is all about free speech and individualism, and while some people may think that it is not to their taste, other find it deep and meaningful. It is how you feel about it yourself that matters, although you seem to be judging yourself on others work instead of developing your own ways.
There are lots of websites that can guide you.

here is one for assertiveness to start with (it is very helpful): http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/assertiveness/how-to-be-more-assertive.html

As for your friends on line, why did you not say hi? you are coming to conclusions about what other people are thinking and doing. you do not know that they knowingly ignored you, do you. you are guessing. What if they saw you on line and thought the same about you? just because there is two of them doesnt matter. If you go on again, be honest and say you were worried about saying hello as it has been a long time.

If your boy mate is on line, drop him a PM and ask if you can have a chat in private, that way he can give you time, if he has time to spare, but please do not jump to conclusions if he says no. Not saying he will, but it just might not be the right time. you can always ask him why anyway.

you are still young and there is a lot of great things out there to still experience, so at the moment you can concentrate on preparing yourself for them.
It is something you can do for yourself or within a school club environment.
read lots of poetry and lyrics. and see the different styles and what is written. write down what you think of them and what you think they are trying to say to you.
teach yourself the cords of a guitar by air guitar in your bedroom, if you must, then when you are old enough and get own of your own you have done the hard part in learning to play a guitar properly.

take care
S :hug:
 
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