• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

A single event last week has broken me

C

cryingman84

New member
Joined
Jul 21, 2020
Messages
3
Location
United Kingdom
Ten years ago I really seriously hurt my ex Girlfriend (not physically). I was with her for 9 years, from around 18-27 or something similar to that. She loved me unconditionally and her family were even nice and it was great. I still to this day, can't understand what possessed me to act the way I did. I can not comprehend it, it simply doesn't compute with me and I even sometimes struggle to believe what happened.

Last Friday I was out walking and saw her in her car eating before going to work. It was entirely unexpected (although I was aware she worked nearby). I didn't say anything and I don't even know if she saw me, I was just a bit shell shocked. If I was to approach or talk to her, I know she would be really friendly and genuinely interested in hearing how I am doing.

The only way I can describe this event is that it has completely rocked me. I feel almost as if I have been transported back to that period. The Guilt, the emotion, the self-hatred and the loathing of myself is overwhelming to the point that I feel like I can't breath. I've no idea why it has got to me so badly. It has spiralled over the weekend to the point that I am spending numerous parts of the day crying and unable to breath.

After it all ended between us we met up about 6-7 times for food and just to walk together as I think we were both struggling to adjust. In that respect it didn't end with any bitterness, or spite necessarily, it was just sad.

All the emotions from back then are back now - despite the fact I am with a new long term partner (of 6 years), that also makes me feel bad as it's not very fair on her obviously.

I feel that there must be some sort of medical term for this - like regression or something, it almost feels like PTSD in some ways, like reliving a really terrible time which was emotionally crippling. Especially as at the time I was entirely alone afterwards, with no family and very limited friends or contact.

I've read up on Chronic Guilt and about self-forgiveness. I am fairly sure this is in the right ball park.

Sorry for rambling, I am just really lost at the moment and I am not sure how to overcome this. I am hoping it is temporary, like it has triggered the same emotions, the same feelings from back then.

Thanks
cryingman84
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
18,972
Location
England
Hi cryingman84,
Welcome to the forum
I'm so sorry your feeling lost right now, these feelings are usually temporarily following a relationship breakdown.
Do you have depression as well? Please don't be so hard on yourself.
Have you had any treatment?
Have a look at our chill out sections it might help to distract you a bit.
Hugs
 
C

cryingman84

New member
Joined
Jul 21, 2020
Messages
3
Location
United Kingdom
Hi cryingman84,
Welcome to the forum
I'm so sorry your feeling lost right now, these feelings are usually temporarily following a relationship breakdown.
Do you have depression as well? Please don't be so hard on yourself.
Have you had any treatment?
Have a look at our chill out sections it might help to distract you a bit.
Hugs
Thanks Mayflower - that is really kind of you.
The relationship ended about 10 years ago. I had about 25 sessions of counselling back then which really helped me.

Since then I have had bouts of minor depression (no medication and just being down/miserable).

For some reason, I feel like I have gone right back to where I was ten years ago, with all the same emotions and Guilt. I never lost that, but I just stopped thinking about it. It basically plagued me that I never actually apologised for my actions, I would love to see how she's doing (not in a romantic way) - I know she is married now, but would still be happy to hear from me as enough time has passed now.

Part of my issues is the self-hatred, I feel like I have no right to be happy and this is my punishment for acting so appallingly.

I have emailed another counsellor this evening and if I still feel like this in another week I will book an appointment.

Thanks again
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
18,972
Location
England
Hi,
Your very welcome, hope the counselling helps.
You don't deserve to punish yourself, I know lots of us do it.
Hopefully in time you can move on and forgive yourself.
Hugs
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
17,553
Location
Nowhere
hi crying man :welcome: !

I like the name ... dont feel guilty now
you are going to therapy which is very noble of you
not to dump it all on your new partner

I'm sure its very common to have these feelings
while in another relationship, I know I have had that
having a counsellor or support worker
means my current partner doesnt need to know about it

I think these feelings are normal and will pass


:grouphug:🎼🎨🖌🐢
 
C

cryingman84

New member
Joined
Jul 21, 2020
Messages
3
Location
United Kingdom
Thank you to you both again - I'm so grateful for the nice words. I was reluctant to post this as I was concerned about just being criticised/blamed further

I hope this passes soon, it feels really intense and unbearable.

Thanks again, I will try to post a few updates in the coming days
 
B

Bilbo

Active member
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
42
Location
Melrose
I think the phenomenon of psychic equivalency could be at work here. People with BPD are know to exhibit this phenomenon - we can feel their thoughts as being absolutely real. You have been clearly triggered to a past darkness and when you think about it, it feels like it is real; like you are right there in the absolute emotional heat of what happened.

In my experience of psychic equivalency, experiences where my BPD and attachment system have been seriously triggered, if it is re-triggered by some event or happening or even thought, I can be just as f&$&ed as I was right in that moment....

It is a frightening and worrying aspect of our illness which is why we need to be prepared for it as much as we can by understanding how we work and tick. knowledge of the condition is painful
to acquire but powerful in helping you get through....

Definition: Psychic equivalence – in which a person thinks that just because they are thinking something, it is automatically true.
 
B

Bilbo

Active member
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
42
Location
Melrose
I feel for you man... i really do. It’s tough stuff to feel and deal with and it’s overwhelming without understanding and support
 
B

bpd2020

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
7,535
Location
England
Hello cryingman. I can understand how seeing your ex brought up all these feelings. I go through similar when anything reminds me of my past. You made a mistake when you were younger. We all make mistakes. You are sorry for that and now you need to forgive yourself. You did not do it on purpose and your ex has moved on from that. I am so sad you are being so mean to yourself. You deserve happiness and to move on from that. I think it is great you are considering counselling again. I hope that helps to ease the guilt.
 

Similar threads

Top