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A poem I write when I'm depressed...

frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
1,261
Location
South Korea
I'm scared.
Of what I have to face.
The heavy burdens
The heavy responsibilities.
Oh, how I wish to enjoy the simplicities of life.
Just like the weebs
Enjoying their anime quirks.
Instead, I'm holed up in here
Competing for jobs...

I wish if people went through the same thing as I went through. I wonder...
 
S

saha

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 3, 2020
Messages
61
Location
India
I'm scared.
Of what I have to face.
The heavy burdens
The heavy responsibilities.
Oh, how I wish to enjoy the simplicities of life.
Just like the weebs
Enjoying their anime quirks.
Instead, I'm holed up in here
Competing for jobs...

I wish if people went through the same thing as I went through. I wonder...
At least you can concentrate when you are depressed . I can't concentrate while I am depressed and it gives me panic attack sometimes .
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
1,261
Location
South Korea
At least you can concentrate when you are depressed . I can't concentrate while I am depressed and it gives me panic attack sometimes .
Sometimes, I can't concentrate.
 
J

Jules5

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
1,994
Location
Florida
Love your poem frisas45. Why are you not able to concentrate? What do you want out of your life? What do you dream of? I myself dream of hiking in Nature. The never endless trail of discovery. Love your poem Big Hugs Jules
 
BlueFox

BlueFox

Member
Joined
Oct 1, 2020
Messages
16
Location
UK
I love how you threw a shoutout to us weebs :rolleyes: :LOL:
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
1,261
Location
South Korea
Love your poem frisas45. Why are you not able to concentrate? What do you want out of your life? What do you dream of? I myself dream of hiking in Nature. The never endless trail of discovery. Love your poem Big Hugs Jules
I dream of living the good life. Dating girls who love anime, living independently, doing hobbies I love. But this poor economy... this foreign country I'm living in gets in the way. South Korea is brutally competitive and getting a job is tough, near impossible for a foreigner like me.
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
1,261
Location
South Korea
I dream of living the good life. Dating girls who love anime, living independently, doing hobbies I love. But this poor economy... this foreign country I'm living in gets in the way. South Korea is brutally competitive and getting a job is tough, near impossible for a foreigner like me.
I had to move to South Korea because medical insuarance is extremely expensive in US. South Korea has more affordable insuarance quotes.
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
1,261
Location
South Korea
I had to move to South Korea because medical insuarance is extremely expensive in US. South Korea has more affordable insuarance quotes.
Here's the details...

I get depressed every evening. It's true. I get gloomy every evening. I feel fine in the morning, and get awfully depressed during the afternoons. It's fine when you fall asleep during depression, when I wake up, I feel just okay.

"Don't stay up at nights," I think to myself, "If you do, you have these negative thoughts depressing you." But sometimes, depression comes too early in the afternoon. Day by day.

I tried everything to keep me happy. But when they're gone, the depression's back. I can't shake them off; the fundamental cause of the depression isn't solved.

I live with my mother who is schizophrenic. She has auditory hallucinations, and believe that there are witches who can mind-read. She said I'm a spy and accused me of espionage. She rants about it for days, screaming about who was about to get her. She said everyone is involved in a conspiracy to destroy her, and I was a part of it. Thus she gets physically aggressive towards people. But I wasn't doing anything to her. I tried to help her in many ways.

I made her to stop drinking alcohol. I made her to take her pills. All ended up in a failure. She pretends to take the pills and discard it somewhere. She didn't stop.

We went to two psychiatrists. They both kicked her out. She does not listen to them or whatever. The third one provided her the right medications, and thankfully she was healed. Her symptoms gradually improved. (We went to South Korea's finest hospital) She takes her pills regularly and stops taking alcohol.

I had to take sole responsibility, while my family is too old and sick to give us any help. My father is too busy providing for our expenses back in US. My mother and I live in an apartment back in South Korea, and he can't fly over here to help us. No one can help her, only me. I had to do everything myself.

My father used to give us help back when we were in US. But he could not afford the medical expenses. US has high medical prices and he drove us away, only sending money. South Korea has affordable medical expenses, but crappy mental health care.

My mother suffered from delusional disorder for 10 years, and I suffered from bipolar disorder for my entire life. It's taxing for me to care-give her and keep up with my academics. (I go to a college)

I asked a lot of people in other subreddits (won't mention exactly what) and other websites. Some just bitched at me to push through the pain. It infuriates me because it means that I have to try hard to perform academically while going through this mess. Going to a college in South Korea is tough. South Korea is filled with professors who are bullies. They yell, curse, and threaten students.

My head professor said the same objective that others had said. Not only that, I have to be stuck taking care for her for the rest of my life.

I have no money or educational background to get myself independent. Even if I did, I can't afford anything. Unemployment is rife in South Korea and expenses are rife in US. It's between a rock and a hard place; I need my parents to survive.

But I push myself to my goal. So hard that I had to sacrifice everything to survive. I kick hard to survive.

This pressure to perform while care-giving made me snap and lose my anger. I have serious ups and downs. I get paranoid in one moment and depressed after. One point, I get so angry that I wanted to harm someone. If they started to say something awful to me, I feel like i could seriously injure them... which is a serious crime. I get worried if I keep going like this, stress might destroy me and do something like this.

This is why I'm depressed. If I keep pushing too hard, I'd lose my mind. South Korea's too competitive to get a measly job. Preparing under enormous pressure and caring for my mother is taxing. I'd break something or someone! I'm also worried that she might relapse... asked a lot of doctors and pharmacists. I even asked the social services for help. No use because of COVID-19.

If I ask my doctor for my symptoms (mom's doctors and my doctors are different), he'd tell me to go to a general hospital... as an inpatient. He tried to help me adjust to so much meds, only to end up in failure. I have NO money to afford to be incarcerated, let alone to receive welfare. Actually, my current medications, Lonasen and Lithium, are reducing the symptoms.

I was listening to Arnold Schwarzenegger giving his speech about "working your ass off". About how he had little money and he had to work in construction overtime to make ends meet, and working himself out to the brink of exhaustion.
That's how he succeeded.

This was getting old to me. I was grown up in an environment exactly like he went through. I detest his bullshit.

Work your ass off. No excuses. Push harder and you'll succeed. Mantras that I've heard every day when I was young. Not just in workouts. But in academics and all kinds of performance.

I was exhausted in this. Very tired. But I pushed further. And I mentally snapped, had a breakdown, and got into heaps of trouble. I brought harm and danger.

I got into trouble by law enforcement and was almost sent to jail (I will not share about my crime). All because I wanted to push further. All because I wanted to perform perfectly. I only earned a severe nervous breakdown and got busted.

And yet I pushed on until, I realized that I needed to relax and find comfort. Then I found peace.

The trauma gets me every time these hard-headed motivational speakers tell me to push hard. The cops. The flashbacks of jail (although I didn't go to one- I only watched shows of it when I was a teen). The traumatic memories come back to me.

In addition with the trauma, this pisses me off. Arnold said about most Americans aren't satisfied about their job, and blamed on the audience that it's their lack of effort to find their passions.

This gave me the ass. I was grown up in a society that you have to give up your passions. Work your ass off to survive.
There were plenty of people told me to be successful to survive. Some urged me to do this to the brink of death! But if you swap this to aim your passion, it's alright. Right? Fuck this.

You can't just grind your desires to the brink of exhaustion. You can't just work off. Especially if you snap and let your anger go out of control.
 
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