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A mix of mental issues being 22

I

iamnina

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Joined
Feb 23, 2021
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Location
Romania
I'm a 22 women, I know for sure I've been through depression, anxiety, self-harm, eating disorder from various reasons back then when I was 14-15, but now that I've looked better at my past, my surroundings and my current state and that I've learnt more about mental health I know that besides depression I do have specific kind of anxiety (social, generalised), I know that I do have panic attacks, but I'm worried - because of obvious reasons - that my problem may be PTSD, being bipolar or maybe some neurological issue or just a mix of disorders that I didn't even know in various measurements that just play with my head waiting to be explained. So here are some of the things that worry me on daily basis for months because they do affect my life and even though it's not all, maybe you can help me giving some indications.

  • Lately, at night, I get afraid suddenly, for no reason. Just like I woke up from a nightmare so I can't really sleep
  • Constantly feeling like I have no time to do anything
  • Urge to do lot of things like suddenly wanting to read a book, study something, sort my life and doing nothing in the end
  • Trouble finding my words, coherent enough for someone to understand what I mean but not long phrases, with breaks, my mind is literally foggy, like empty but filled with lots of ideas to talk about but can't pick them up
  • Can't focus on a single subject when I write and constantly go into different directions with my stories and never end up finishing them
  • Lose focus when having a conversation
  • Constantly lose something, glasses, keys, card
  • Almost instantly forget about what someone just said in a meeting or in a lecture
  • Such anxiety I can't make myself apply for a job because of the interview, because even though I can fulfill the responsabilities I think about all that I can do wrong because I'm clumsy and I have this problem with sorting my thinking and talking. I had it in childhood when I spent two summer vacations without getting out of home.
  • Feeling sick, angry but also calm when I'm at home with family, havind ugly panic attacks whith really bad breathing problems when I'm by myself, but still completely normal, friendly, open person when I'm with frinds
  • Really sensitive hearing, startled and defense mode on when I hear something triggering
  • Really easy to go from the person I'm describing now to the one that is friendly, fun, open with my friends, family.
  • Can't remember my childood, very few memories like a picture in my head, but can remember the bad ones
  • I either can't form an idea or I talk too much, even interrupting the person I'm talking to
  • Reall bad nightmares
  • Making myself completely numb like I just push a button, after any incident, just sitting and staring like I'm not even there. I used videogames when I was younger to disconnect from reality but now that this started it worries me.
  • Fidgeting with my nails, lip, biting inside of my cheeks usually when I was nervous but now it's more often

Little background info - I live with my parents. Since forever I am underweight and bullied by my family mostly for this. Since forever my father is an alcoholic, watched him having seizure, going to hospital several times. Narcissistic, manipulative, controlling are his best traits. He did get help, had support, now he's doing his best drinking all he can, lying, cursing, passing out. Mother always telling me I can't succeed, have a relationship, to never have friends, never be able to survive without her. Anxious, naive, yet revengeful, waiting for someone to do a mistake, making me responsible for her happiness, seek help after she confronts father, accusing me for hiding something when I don't tell her every detail of my life. Basically until my teens I was always careful to make no mistakes, to not anger them anymore cause they always fought anyway, to do great in school, to have no social life.

So, I know there there are way too many details unwritten, but would you tell a person that comes for guidance?
 
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