A long introduction

Paradoxeverywhere

Paradoxeverywhere

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#1
Hi. Generally people call me K.Years ago i was diagnosed with a few disorders. But to be honest i think thatmy previousdoctorwas a quack. Is it even possible to be schizotypal at 16? Then he claimed i had mild paranoia, which isomewhat believe but that depends on what shift i am in.

I have been having some experieces that have been scaring my but somehow i welcome them.
 
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Rorschach

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Hi. Generally people call me K.Years ago i was diagnosed with a few disorders. But to be honest i think thatmy previousdoctorwas a quack. Is it even possible to be schizotypal at 16? Then he claimed i had mild paranoia, which isomewhat believe but that depends on what shift i am in.

I have been having some experieces that have been scaring my but somehow i welcome them.
This had immediate resonance with me (see bold). I often think that my experiences have been like awakening, and while some have been very hard work I feel that they have in some way allowed me to progress.

Good to have you here... :welcome:
 
Fedup

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#8
Hello and :welcome: K
Hope you find lot's of support here :)
 
Paradoxeverywhere

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#9
Thanks

Thanks for your welcomes. Im not really sure how to do these forum things. Im rather new to expressing myself on this level, (long story short, people like to either exploit me or attack me) but im not sure where i can go now. In the last week things have changed alot.

I have a question about these episodes. But first i should explain something. I have occasionally had blackouts since i was young. Before i would "zone out" for a few hours but lately they have been more active. I lost my job for apparently yelling/ranting to my boss about how much of a jerk he is (and a few other things but i dont think they are appropriate to say) but found a new and better job for it. Then trashed my room then spent 5 hours making itas organisedas i have ever seen it. Things like that. Chains of destructive agressive behavior followed by productivity i have never experienced before. But it doesnt feel like me. No memories, fractional personality, even more paranoia then normal and the few people i have forced myself to interact with keep asking me about rants i go on during these stages but since they have been clinging to me more. Enough of my problems though so lets get to the question.

What does it mean if it feels like the person you are when you experiece some form of mental episode is the better person? Somehow the person i become when i give up or lose all control seems better for my life. Like both the positive and negative behaviors are in their extremes but somehow create the balance i have always looked for. It doesnt really make sense. The 3 friends i have had like me better during these stages. Its improving the quality of my life. Somehow becoming someone of no control who is either ranting to others or mumbling about finding his eyes, has no qualms about masocism just to get annoying people away and cant sit down for more then 2 minutes is the better person.

I can only think of 2 possibilities. I have either always been a joke to my friends and now with these changes i am more open to their games or what i am when im not here really is the better side of me.

If anyone else is in a similar situation i would like to hear from you and see if its the same.
 
Rorschach

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#10
Not that I'm suggesting being a hard-nosed bas*ard, but think about it, it's not hard to walk over a pushover? The episodes you are describing sound slightly manic to me. That said when I'm in the middle of an 'episode' all my personality traits are magnified, even the ones I don't like. Perhaps you've been supressing your strengths; something to bear in mind once you seem to level off?
 
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Dollit

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My consultant always says that mental ill health magnifies personality traits and it's the way to finding who you are. It can be quite a scary process sorting yourself out from the illness & the episodes but very fruitful. It's one of the points I always raise when talking to the med students.
 
Paradoxeverywhere

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#12
Perhaps...

Is there any way to inturpret what one says during these events? (im looking for a word better suited then 'episodes'. Thats what my old doctor used to call them and it just stuck). It feels like whatever im saying at those times is important for me to move beyond this. Hypnotherapy doesnt work. I just either start to laugh or cry. And medications only mask the real issues which makes it even harder to move beyond them.

I know there is a pattern somewhere but i cant find it.


By the way. Something of a random question for everyone. If you could go to any time period on earth, which would you choose?
 
Paradoxeverywhere

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#14
-

You both have points there. And i was raised to be a doormat. Always told that my i.q, was wasted on me. That my feelings were unimportant and expressing them was just whining. Even now in life i let the few people i talk to walk all over me. I cant talk to people without them completely cutting me off after the 4th word. Though if they ask for my opinion or advice they wait until the 6th word.
 
Paradoxeverywhere

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#15
Jerusalem

What a beautiful sight that would be. Isnt that the period of the Knights of St. John?
 
Rorschach

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#16
You both have points there. And i was raised to be a doormat. Always told that my i.q, was wasted on me. That my feelings were unimportant and expressing them was just whining. Even now in life i let the few people i talk to walk all over me. I cant talk to people without them completely cutting me off after the 4th word. Though if they ask for my opinion or advice they wait until the 6th word.
Benefits of a forum mate, you get to say what you want without interuptions, and nobody can say 'I didn't say that'. It's all there in black and white :)

That said in your real life it sounds as if you know what you don't like; whats that quote 'it's better to search for that you do not know than live with that you dislike' :)
 
Rorschach

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#17
What a beautiful sight that would be. Isnt that the period of the Knights of St. John?
A little bit prior, the siege of Jerusalem was 1099, so I'd like to embed a while before to have a fuller picture ;)

I actually work just around the corner from the priory of the knights of St. John.
 
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Dollit

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P - when you get manic it's in the way you describe it's not unusual not to remember what went on. Your brain is processing too fast to lay down memory. If this happens to me it's because the manic period starts very suddenly & straight into the high and because I'm under stress. The last couple of times a close friend has been there and I've rung him and asked him what I did and he says I'm still me, just faster.

I called them episodes because they're episodic rather than continuous but it's your head, it's your health so call them what you want.

Georgian England but not a a really poor or really rich person.
 
Paradoxeverywhere

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#19
Yeah

Sometimes knowing what you dont like is worse then not knowing at all.
 
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Dollit

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#20
Yes you can say that but you can also say that once you know what you don't like you have an opportunity to change it into something you do like. I sometimes don't quite care for the gobby & opinionated person I can be but because I have loud and strong opinions in a way it makes me incorruptible and perfect for the type of community work that I do. While I'm willing to learn and change and be guided by the right influences I can't be corrupted by the wrong one. So being gobby & opinionated isn't always good but it really does have it's good points.
 

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