• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

A little help understanding please ^-^’

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Refeneg

New member
Joined
Feb 7, 2020
Messages
3
Location
London, UK
Hi hi! I’ve not really written in a forum before, so please bare with me. It would be great if anyone could offer advise on a current situation I’m going through.

In short, im a person who is easily manipulated, and who is easily walked over in relationships/ friendships. And this is causing issues in my current relationship.

My partner has tried helping me change this. However, I’m the way I am because of many years of abuse from my father, and from previous relationships. They have always been up and down, which is to be expected with me as the girlfriend, but now my current partner has said that it’s because I enjoy being abused. I’m confused by this. I understand I didn’t stand up for myself, mostly through fear and because I’m scared of confrontation. But to be told it was my fault I was abused because I didn’t stop it. I’m a little hurt by it.

Also he makes me stand up in front of my friends who ask me to do things, and when I say I’m busy and they get sad, he tells me they’re guilt tripping me and that they are a bad friend. If I imply that I can see their side and see why they’re sad, he accuses me of defending them and gets very angry about it.

Lastly, the other day he asked me all day to send revealing pictures of myself to him, and after saying no everytime, and him using his words to come across as forcing, I went a bit crazy and raged, ended up whacking my keyboard and throwing my headset off because I got worked up about it. I couldn’t handle being pushed and I went off on one. He is now scared of me and I don’t know what to do. On the one hand I can see why he’s scared from me raging, but on the other hand,I shouldn’t have had to say no that many times.
I’m really stuck on what to do In this relationship. I know I’m a difficult person to be around, and I’ve tried changing as a person for him. But nothing seems to be good enough. Is he right in what he’s saying? I really don’t know.
 
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AppletreeConfusion

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2020
Messages
48
Location
UK
Well, I guess you took his advice for standing up to an abuser. Some guys are just inherently like this, he sounds a bit abusive to me, if a girl refuses to send me pictures of her body I'm completely cool with it.
 
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Almost always in love

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 19, 2020
Messages
76
Location
Scandinavia
This is way beyond my understanding.
What is your relationship about?
Sending nudes or what?

Is there not something else you would like your relationship to be about?

Think I would define that, if I were in your position.

Trying real hard to not judge.
I may fail that being old fashioned and all.
 
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Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
2,125
He had no right to tell you that you like being abused. What a horrible thing to say to someone who has struggled with being abused. It implies that you deserve it, and you most definitely do NOT.

Truthfully I agree with the other poster, he sounds abusive himself. I would get out of that relationship.
 
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Refeneg

New member
Joined
Feb 7, 2020
Messages
3
Location
London, UK
Thank you guys for your responses! I completely understand where you are coming from. And yes, well he asked me to stand up, and I tried for the entirety of him asking. I gave up saying no and gave him what he wanted to shush him. And he complained that I looked horrid in the colour underwear I was wearing. I guess no pleasing some people...
I’ve had a think though, I do want this relationship to be more than just nudes. But I can’t see that happening. I don’t want to just “give up” because I know that’ll trigger a whole lot of rubbish, so I’m a bit stuck on how to approach this.
 
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Almost always in love

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 19, 2020
Messages
76
Location
Scandinavia
I turn really worried, when you describe your situation and the things this man ask of you and say to you Refeneg.
But at the same time Im fully aware that people live in relationships in many different ways and nobody can really be deciding or be the judge of what others should or shouldn't do.

But when you describe the situation and when you mention that you do not really appreciate the way he acts?
Then you would like things to change right?

I hope the best for you, but I do not wish to somehow get you stuck in a pillow of comforting words.. if that makes sense?
When people wish us well, it can be so powerful a thing to receive - that that kind of nice support can get us stuck. It becomes a sort of band aid. It can feel so nice, so that we begin to stick to doing something unhealthy - to maintain that sense of having support.

I hope it makes sense. I mean it in the most sincere caring way you can possibly imagine.
And I am worried that I might be completely off track in this.

I just want to make sure, that my worry will not leave you stuck and make it even harder for you to make actual changes in your life - if this is genuinely what you wish to do.

Only you can make your choices and decide how you wish things to be.

It is your life. Be aware that people will be there for you, no matter if you are in a bad place or not.
You do not have to stay in something that you do not wish to be in.
Your support wont leave you, because you suddenly change your life into what you want it to be.
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
2,240
Location
London, ON
I hate to say it - but he sounds toxic and controlling.
 
S

Starletta

Member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Sydney
It sounds like he is using your vulnerabilities against you. He is making you feel small and pushing you to do things you don't want to do, then you are second guessing yourself for saying 'no' repeatedly when instead you should be possess off at his forcefulness and lack of respect.
This guy is not treating you well, unless he starts making quick improvements, you need to get away from him before he completely destroys your self worth
 
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WhySoSerious

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
267
Location
UK
Hi hi! I’ve not really written in a forum before, so please bare with me. It would be great if anyone could offer advise on a current situation I’m going through.

In short, im a person who is easily manipulated, and who is easily walked over in relationships/ friendships. And this is causing issues in my current relationship.

My partner has tried helping me change this. However, I’m the way I am because of many years of abuse from my father, and from previous relationships. They have always been up and down, which is to be expected with me as the girlfriend, but now my current partner has said that it’s because I enjoy being abused. I’m confused by this. I understand I didn’t stand up for myself, mostly through fear and because I’m scared of confrontation. But to be told it was my fault I was abused because I didn’t stop it. I’m a little hurt by it.

Also he makes me stand up in front of my friends who ask me to do things, and when I say I’m busy and they get sad, he tells me they’re guilt tripping me and that they are a bad friend. If I imply that I can see their side and see why they’re sad, he accuses me of defending them and gets very angry about it.

Lastly, the other day he asked me all day to send revealing pictures of myself to him, and after saying no everytime, and him using his words to come across as forcing, I went a bit crazy and raged, ended up whacking my keyboard and throwing my headset off because I got worked up about it. I couldn’t handle being pushed and I went off on one. He is now scared of me and I don’t know what to do. On the one hand I can see why he’s scared from me raging, but on the other hand,I shouldn’t have had to say no that many times.

I’m really stuck on what to do In this relationship. I know I’m a difficult person to be around, and I’ve tried changing as a person for him. But nothing seems to be good enough. Is he right in what he’s saying? I really don’t know.
I'm going to take this bit by bit, bear with me! Also please know my response comes from a place of kindness but I won't fragilise you (or anyone) because that's not respectful.

Firstly you aren't the way you are because you were abused. Many people are abused and don't have the difficulties you do. You have the problems because you have not learned the skills to manage interpersonal conflicts and the thoughts that situations provoke. I am not a fan of pointing a finger at events and saying "this is why I am the way I am" it is an opt out for change.

He thinks you enjoy being abused? That is a big leap! What makes him say that and what evidence does he have that this is the case? We can't make assumptions about people's behaviour - behaviour doesn't always = intention. I am astounded he has the gall to say something that hurtful. I would be furious (and rightfully) if someone said that to me. I think he needs to realise that if you didn't have the skills to manage those difficult relationships how can you be to blame for them being the way they were. We do know - however - that people tend to attract abusers; almost like they can pick us out of a line up!

It sounds as though he doesn't like you being at the call of friends. If you want to see or interact with friends then that is your choice. if you genuinely see their perspective then that is also just a valid. He isn't coming off as a kind, caring individual (**DING Judgement**)

So he pushed you and you said no. He pushed again and you said no again. Then you explode and he gets scared. There are a few things here. Firstly he must respect your limits. That is a fact. There is no negotiating there. You have rules and he must respect those rules or the relationship isn't respectful and that's a problem. Secondly whilst he may well be scared of you now (and I can see why, there is validity in that point of view) the fact is he may also be trying to shape your response next time. By that I mean, if he now says he is scared, if he asks you for nudes again you may be more likely to give in for fear of making him scared.

Finally why are you the problem here? I see many judgments about yourself in the post that need addressing and it sounds like you have some things that may need to change. That said are you changing for yourself or for him? If its for him you are doing it for the wrong person. If you change because someone wants you to then you are always being subservient to the other person. If you want to change to have better relationships (and that includes standing up and holding onto your limits) then that's a good starting point.

With upholding your rules and limits you will inevitably upset other people - people who may not have your best interests at heart. You are likely to lose relationships that are based on an unequal footing but in the longer term you will have respectful, loving relationships in the future.

Pls take what I say with the kindness it is intended!
 
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Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
2,125
Oh I disagree WhySoSerious. Childhood trauma and abuse can build the foundation for bpd and self neglect. If the people you are supposed to rely on most aren’t there for you, worse still, abuse you, you grow up with a very poor sense of self and develop maladaptive coping mechanisms that are incredibly hard to unlearn.

Bpd is rooted in both genetics and trauma. Someone with the genetics and not the abuse will never have that bpd light switch turned on. It will remain dormant.

Comparing others who have endured abuse but “grow up fine” ignores the genetics, which is something we can’t control.
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
2,240
Location
London, ON
Someone with the genetics and not the abuse will never have that bpd light switch turned on.
I wonder if that is an epigenic trigger - like, a gene that is triggered to do "something" later in the life cycle, as opposed to during gestation.
 
F

fivesatins

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 17, 2020
Messages
147
Location
Liverpool
Refeneg,
this is just my take on your problem if you're still reading.
You like him, you don't like him?
Physically, are things ok between you?
Financially, economically, and where you live, have you independence?

Those are the simple things, that can really hurt people.

All that said, cos that is the practicality crap of a relatiinship, someone using your vulnerabilities against you is a point to say no. Don't discuss, don't forgive, carve that usage in your mind as a big NO, they've revealed themselves, and they will not change.

There's plenty of kind caring people in the world. Some of them can dance too, probably better, cos they like to give and share and be happy.

Them's the ones you'll get
 
W

WhySoSerious

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
267
Location
UK
Oh I disagree WhySoSerious. Childhood trauma and abuse can build the foundation for bpd and self neglect. If the people you are supposed to rely on most aren’t there for you, worse still, abuse you, you grow up with a very poor sense of self and develop maladaptive coping mechanisms that are incredibly hard to unlearn.

Bpd is rooted in both genetics and trauma. Someone with the genetics and not the abuse will never have that bpd light switch turned on. It will remain dormant.

Comparing others who have endured abuse but “grow up fine” ignores the genetics, which is something we can’t control.

**Used opposite action before responding!**

The evidence is that whilst there is a correlation to abuse there is significant data that points to other causes too. It CAN be a foundation but doesn't have to be the foundation and there is no empirical evidence to back up that suggestion.

I have always suggested the Linehan model of BPD which is a biological propensity for intense emotions coupled with an invalidating environment in whichever form that takes leads to emotional dysregulation and a deficit in coping skills to manage emotions. Hence why I say that whilst abuse is a factor I do not buy into the belief that abuse "causes" you to be the way you are. Especially as that opens the door to people throwing their hands up and blaming their life for how shit things are. It doesn't empower people to take control of their own lives and that can be very damaging.

In fact in DBT terms, therapists are told explicitly to avoid validating by blaming past conditioning and experiences as the "reason" you feel as you do.
 
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Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
2,125
You are a product of your childhood. To dismiss that is not a good idea, for a lot of people. You need to process what happened way back then before you can take steps forward.

I understand your idea of not using it as a crutch, but folks with bpd need more compassion, not less.
 
T

TraceyV

Member
Joined
Feb 13, 2020
Messages
18
Location
UK
Hi hi! I’ve not really written in a forum before, so please bare with me. It would be great if anyone could offer advise on a current situation I’m going through.

In short, im a person who is easily manipulated, and who is easily walked over in relationships/ friendships. And this is causing issues in my current relationship.

My partner has tried helping me change this. However, I’m the way I am because of many years of abuse from my father, and from previous relationships. They have always been up and down, which is to be expected with me as the girlfriend, but now my current partner has said that it’s because I enjoy being abused. I’m confused by this. I understand I didn’t stand up for myself, mostly through fear and because I’m scared of confrontation. But to be told it was my fault I was abused because I didn’t stop it. I’m a little hurt by it.

Also he makes me stand up in front of my friends who ask me to do things, and when I say I’m busy and they get sad, he tells me they’re guilt tripping me and that they are a bad friend. If I imply that I can see their side and see why they’re sad, he accuses me of defending them and gets very angry about it.

Lastly, the other day he asked me all day to send revealing pictures of myself to him, and after saying no everytime, and him using his words to come across as forcing, I went a bit crazy and raged, ended up whacking my keyboard and throwing my headset off because I got worked up about it. I couldn’t handle being pushed and I went off on one. He is now scared of me and I don’t know what to do. On the one hand I can see why he’s scared from me raging, but on the other hand,I shouldn’t have had to say no that many times.
I’m really stuck on what to do In this relationship. I know I’m a difficult person to be around, and I’ve tried changing as a person for him. But nothing seems to be good enough. Is he right in what he’s saying? I really don’t know.
He's not right. You have to work out how to deal with these situations. Not being forced to deal with it his way. It's not that you like it, he has control. I,ve lived like this, you should say this, you should do this and your family and friends fall away. You become used to people treating you badly, you may need time on your own to evaluate what you want and how your going to achieve it. Explain to your friends etc how you feel, they maybe supportive.
 
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