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A little help understanding please ^-^’

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Refeneg

New member
Joined
Feb 7, 2020
Messages
3
Location
London, UK
Hi hi! I’ve not really written in a forum before, so please bare with me. It would be great if anyone could offer advise on a current situation I’m going through.

In short, im a person who is easily manipulated, and who is easily walked over in relationships/ friendships. And this is causing issues in my current relationship.

My partner has tried helping me change this. However, I’m the way I am because of many years of abuse from my father, and from previous relationships. They have always been up and down, which is to be expected with me as the girlfriend, but now my current partner has said that it’s because I enjoy being abused. I’m confused by this. I understand I didn’t stand up for myself, mostly through fear and because I’m scared of confrontation. But to be told it was my fault I was abused because I didn’t stop it. I’m a little hurt by it.

Also he makes me stand up in front of my friends who ask me to do things, and when I say I’m busy and they get sad, he tells me they’re guilt tripping me and that they are a bad friend. If I imply that I can see their side and see why they’re sad, he accuses me of defending them and gets very angry about it.

Lastly, the other day he asked me all day to send revealing pictures of myself to him, and after saying no everytime, and him using his words to come across as forcing, I went a bit crazy and raged, ended up whacking my keyboard and throwing my headset off because I got worked up about it. I couldn’t handle being pushed and I went off on one. He is now scared of me and I don’t know what to do. On the one hand I can see why he’s scared from me raging, but on the other hand,I shouldn’t have had to say no that many times.
I’m really stuck on what to do In this relationship. I know I’m a difficult person to be around, and I’ve tried changing as a person for him. But nothing seems to be good enough. Is he right in what he’s saying? I really don’t know.
 
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AppletreeConfusion

Member
Joined
Jan 16, 2020
Messages
19
Location
UK
Well, I guess you took his advice for standing up to an abuser. Some guys are just inherently like this, he sounds a bit abusive to me, if a girl refuses to send me pictures of her body I'm completely cool with it.
 
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Almost always in love

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 19, 2020
Messages
65
Location
Scandinavia
This is way beyond my understanding.
What is your relationship about?
Sending nudes or what?

Is there not something else you would like your relationship to be about?

Think I would define that, if I were in your position.

Trying real hard to not judge.
I may fail that being old fashioned and all.
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,634
He had no right to tell you that you like being abused. What a horrible thing to say to someone who has struggled with being abused. It implies that you deserve it, and you most definitely do NOT.

Truthfully I agree with the other poster, he sounds abusive himself. I would get out of that relationship.
 
R

Refeneg

New member
Joined
Feb 7, 2020
Messages
3
Location
London, UK
Thank you guys for your responses! I completely understand where you are coming from. And yes, well he asked me to stand up, and I tried for the entirety of him asking. I gave up saying no and gave him what he wanted to shush him. And he complained that I looked horrid in the colour underwear I was wearing. I guess no pleasing some people...
I’ve had a think though, I do want this relationship to be more than just nudes. But I can’t see that happening. I don’t want to just “give up” because I know that’ll trigger a whole lot of rubbish, so I’m a bit stuck on how to approach this.
 
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Almost always in love

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 19, 2020
Messages
65
Location
Scandinavia
I turn really worried, when you describe your situation and the things this man ask of you and say to you Refeneg.
But at the same time Im fully aware that people live in relationships in many different ways and nobody can really be deciding or be the judge of what others should or shouldn't do.

But when you describe the situation and when you mention that you do not really appreciate the way he acts?
Then you would like things to change right?

I hope the best for you, but I do not wish to somehow get you stuck in a pillow of comforting words.. if that makes sense?
When people wish us well, it can be so powerful a thing to receive - that that kind of nice support can get us stuck. It becomes a sort of band aid. It can feel so nice, so that we begin to stick to doing something unhealthy - to maintain that sense of having support.

I hope it makes sense. I mean it in the most sincere caring way you can possibly imagine.
And I am worried that I might be completely off track in this.

I just want to make sure, that my worry will not leave you stuck and make it even harder for you to make actual changes in your life - if this is genuinely what you wish to do.

Only you can make your choices and decide how you wish things to be.

It is your life. Be aware that people will be there for you, no matter if you are in a bad place or not.
You do not have to stay in something that you do not wish to be in.
Your support wont leave you, because you suddenly change your life into what you want it to be.
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
603
Location
London, ON
I hate to say it - but he sounds toxic and controlling.
 
S

Starletta

Member
Joined
Feb 22, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Sydney
It sounds like he is using your vulnerabilities against you. He is making you feel small and pushing you to do things you don't want to do, then you are second guessing yourself for saying 'no' repeatedly when instead you should be possess off at his forcefulness and lack of respect.
This guy is not treating you well, unless he starts making quick improvements, you need to get away from him before he completely destroys your self worth
 
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