A little bit lost

N

Noneof Yourbusiness

New member
Joined
Jan 9, 2019
Messages
2
#1
My story is I think too long to put here, at least I don't think anyone could or would be willing or able to read all of it. I suppose I will end up writing a lot anyway.

I am coming here out of, I suppose, a degree of desperation.
I have had many therapists and many pills over I guess now at least 25 years, without what I would call any success.

Recently I've been fighting eviction, and a variety of physical health issues. I just got out of a week in the hospital for major surgery.
I just turned 57, and spent the day alone. I was also alone for thanksgiving, christmas, new years. I have never been able to make friends, really. I've had perhaps two or three, and those always end eventually, usually badly. I live on a very small social security disability income. I live alone.

The apartment I rent is about 300 square feet, and that is pretty much the only place I am. I just go on the internet, it does not really seem safe or worth it at all to try to go out.

I don't have many living relatives and they are far away and very old and suffering their own serious problems.

I have a violent temper, and I'm pretty cynical. When I got home from the hospital I found myself crying every day over just anything, and that does not seem to be going away.

I did not do well in school, and had a couple years in a couple colleges, which were also failures and a financial disaster. I've had a variety of "survival" jobs. I believe in hard work, and like to be busy, but I never had a job that I did not hate. I think perhaps "soul crushing" would be how I would best describe school and work.

I've had girlfriends over the years, lived with a few, and all of those relationships ended badly, sometimes profoundly badly. I miss being in love. It is perhaps the most intense feeling I ever had, and it did happen to me a few times, though each time it was somehow diminished, and this last time was just a watery feeling with a quick crash and burn.

I don't do "facebook" because it just creeps me out. I don't understand the interface, and it just feels really fake and sketchy.

I have joined free dating sites, and went on some disaster dates, though not many.

I have joined a bunch of "Meetup.com" sites, but only have gone out to one or two groups, most of which just felt a bad vibe to me.

I mostly don't go anywhere. I cannot afford a vehicle. I am lucky enough to live in a city with a bus and train system, but most social things happen out in the wealthy surrounding suburbs, which I cannot reach.

It is sort of a town where you pretty much are treated according to your money and your power, and Ive got pretty much nothing, so I'm am pretty much nothing.

I did try volunteering. There is an animal shelter that takes in cats, and they are always overwhelmed. I volunteered to be a foster home, and hosted a succession of cats. That was rewarding, but inevitably I had a fight with the people that run the shelter, and that was the end of that. I don't think it would be fair or right for me to try to have a pet, as I cannot even really take care of myself.

There are of course "helping agencies" and therapists and pills.
However, after about 14 years of experience, it is my feeling that this system is pretty much just corrupt and useless.
The people are incompetent, apathetic, and there is zero accountability.

So, I try to take consolation in some things. I do go through scary stretches where I can't squeeze any pleasure out of anything at all.

I play a specific computer game constantly, and although I cannot win at it, I am somehow addicted. I suppose it is delivering endorphins somehow.

Similarly, I indulge in pornography quite frequently, though that habit is problematic. Since I use it so much, it's effect is becoming weaker and weaker.

I watch a lot of movies. A lot. Although there is a deluge of content, I often feel a really empty feeling looking at what there is. Nothing seems to be able to interest me any more.

I have always hated exercise of all kinds. I am very sedentary and over the past two years I have gained an alarming amount of belly fat, I think I am something like 60 or 70 pounds overweight.

When I ride a bike or go for a walk, all my life, I feel like I am going to throw up. I get a pounding headache, and I'm drenched in sweat. I despise exercise of all kinds. My siblings tried to drown me, and additionally I almost accidentally drowned a couple years after that. So, swimming is certainly not an option.

I did mess around with Tai Chi and yoga a bit for a couple years, tried being a vegetarian.

I guess I don't understand why, but pretty much everything I have ever done I have failed or quit.

I was fired from or quit every job I ever had. I have a violent criminal record. My credit is ruined, that is a long story.

I sleep on a mattress I got out of the trash, and it really needs to be replaced, but when I went shopping I could not believe the prices, it seemed almost as if they must be joking.

I live in dread of the day, probably coming soon, when this computer will die. It's about 8 years old, and the internet is pretty much my whole life.

I am legally allowed to work and still get my disability benefits, and I've tried that a handful of times. Nothing lasts long, I am always fired or quit. I really have no skills or education.

Communication seems pretty much impossible. it is sort of like I am living on an alien planet, or in a country where I don't speak the language. I cannot make myself understood, and I lack the ability to make anyone care or even listen, much less do anything.

I like to offer help to those I feel I can help, but this is a painful process. Everyone seems to want help, but then they refuse to actually take any action, even if I offer to do the majority of the work.

I suppose I am similar. I am not interested in being destroyed as a person for the comfort and convenience of others. If persons are offended by my often violent and strong opinions, that is their problem, not a flaw in me. That is the way I see things and the world.

Unfortunately, I am not the solitary genius I would have liked to be.
I have no talent, nothing to offer. I have no self discipline, no impulse control.

What I want most in life is to be someone who creates justice.
The way I feel about things is that there are a huge majority of people in life and things in life that are just plain evil, and need to be very severely punished, or destroyed.

Of course, after the 9/11 bombings, feelings like this can never be expressed, ever, unless you want to end up locked up. Every one lives in this haze of apathy, depression, distrust, self centeredness, disloyalty.

Loyalty. Did that ever even exist? it is the trait most needed from people and the thing most rarely found. Why is that? When someone I care for says that they were harmed, my reaction is, "Where is that bastard? Let's go kick the living shit out of him right NOW!"

And everyone flips out. Yet, if I have a problem, that is what I think a true friend or relative or helping person should say and do.

Everyone agrees that absolutely everything is total shit. Yet they will not lift a finger to do anything about it. I feel such people are just as bad as the malice makers.

Well, I guess I'm tired out.

I suppose someone will urge me to "get help" but I think many of your out there know what a fraud that really is.

I suppose someone will think I am just venting.
I really don't know what I'm doing. I guess I'm just sick of not being able to talk to anyone, at all, ever. Unless it is to fight, and unfortunately I always lose fights, always.
 
N

Noneof Yourbusiness

New member
Joined
Jan 9, 2019
Messages
2
#2
It has not been five minutes

I got a rather hostile popup saying "the administrator has declared that you may not edit a post more than five minutes after you post it"

At least that is what I think it said. Yet I tried to edit less than a minute after posting. I take things like that very personally and I think they bother me a lot more than most people.

Everyone seems to say, "Well, of course the world is all shit. It has always been total shit, and it always will be, and there is no way anything can ever get better, and besides YOU are the only one who cares."

So.

I do this instead. What I did not mention is that there have been a broad variety of diagnosis from numerous professionals.

I should say that I regard what we call medicine as incredibly mismanaged and rather incompetent. Real surgery and medicine did not even begin until after the civil war.

As for psychiatry, that is either a complete fraud, which is most likely, or it is pretty much at the maturity and competency level of a witch doctor rattling bones over your head.

That said, I dated a woman, and it was, as they all are, a very rocky relationship. She attended a party without me. During that party, she confided in a friend about me. Her friend got a very serious look on her face, left the room, and came back with the latest version of the DSM. She opened it up, and showed my girlfriend the description of Borderline Personality Disorder.

My girlfriend wrote down the symptoms, and came to show this to me.
My first reaction was great anger and great fear.
It appeared to me that someone had been following me around and spying on me.
Aside from "self harming" or "suicidal thoughts" it was pretty much an exact description.

The manual said at the time that the illness is incurable, but, as I've said, I think most of these people are at best making guesses and have no idea what they are talking about.

I did look for help. Many therapists CLAIMED to be able to treat BPD, but the reality is, they went to school and got a general degree and had less actual knowledge of BPD than I did.

There are a tiny handful of doctors and perhaps one clinic I know of that treat BPD specifically. These, of course, do not accept my Medicare as payment, and the fees are so high it seems as if they must be joking.

Most of the BPD specialists will tell me that the waiting list is "Only three years" to get to be a patient or some such.

I did get a self help book on BPD paid full price on Amazon. What a load of CRAP. Completely useless, completely clueless. I actually sent an email to the author telling him how ripped off and insulted I was. Maybe I posted a review, should go back and be sure I did.
He of course was patronizing and insulted me in that special "fake polite" way that these creeps are so good at.

I am aware that my tolerance of frustration is very low compared to the average. However, the way I see it is that other people's tolerance of frustration should go DOWN dramatically.

Instead of just accepting things being bad, actual action should be taken.

I live on a huge street, with large crosswalks. The traffic is very heavy, and drivers are VERY aggressive against pedestrians.


I'm not so much intersted in taking a pill so that I am so numbed up that it is ok with me that people treat me like shit.

I'm interested in making the world a place where people actually do NOT treat me like shit.
 
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