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A little bit about me! I am new

K

KTNI20xx

Member
Joined
Dec 4, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Northern Ireland
Hi all.. So I am new here and the reason for joining is I was on another forum which has a help thread for people just feeling down or that have mental health problems and someone actually replied to me that they didn't believe me which has just totally disgusted me. People think and feel differently. I would never call anyone out about their mental health because I would trust that anyone can go through it... anyway.. lets forget about that and let me tell you a little bit about me. I am scared of judgement but will be as open and honest as i can be. This might be so long winded, apologies.

I am 30 years old and for the past 5 years I have struggled hugely with my MH. I guess the anxiety etc has always been there but it seems to be more the past 5 years its at a point where its out of my control. Growing up watching my dad drink everyday and beat my mum up, losing my sister age 16, abusing my body with drugs from the age of 13, self harming from about age 11/12, getting punched by an ex when working abroad and them breaking my nose than I had to go through that alone because I was so far from home and pretended to everyone I was living the dream... anyway i got on with life and was able to put those dark periods to the back of my mind, plaster on a smile etc but I think what triggered my mental health in 2015 was a choice i made with my then boyfriend to have an abortion, i felt pushed into this because I wanted the baby, but I loved him and believed him when he said it wasn't the right time and we would have kids someday just not yet... I wanted to make him happy so I went ahead with the worst decision of my life.. After that the guilt weighed heavily and I have never gotten over it. I became so needy, really struggled with the choice I made and lashed out at those around me because I couldn't handle it. My boyfriend and I kept arguing and then on Boxing day, when drinks were involved, everything came to a head and we broke up. He admitted he never wanted kids and my world shattered because he told me he did before i killed our baby. I just felt like I had been tricked.. 5 years ago I tried to end my life, locked myself in the bathroom and wanted to end it all. My mum got an ambulance for me and I do not know how I wasn't sectioned there and then. My mum one day dragged me kicking and screaming to our local doctors, she had had enough, I wasn't eating, sleeping.. I would drink hoping it would just take all my problems away but the next morning they would still be there. I had to go on long term sick leave because I couldn't cope even getting up in the mornings. The doctor gave me medication, I have been on every medication imaginable but nothing has ever really worked for me. I was referred to counselling which helped massively, i remember going in on the first day and being a complete wreck, dressed like a tramp, crying every 2 seconds, it was awful but it was such a help at the same time to have someone to talk to who wasnt a friend or family member. As the weeks went on, it helped more and more but the ache was still there and 5 years later its still there. Months past, i found out my now ex was going out to the cinema with a girl I had always been worried about and I remember messaging her. I had hated the person I had become. I eventually put myself on a dating site when i finally felt like it was time to move on. Stop waiting on texts and calls that won't come... as soon as I did that, the calls and texts did come and my ex and I would meet every other week for just a few drinks.. we started to spend more time together and enjoy one another's company again but the damage had been done. I stupidly met someone else, and well for the past 3 years this person has done nothing but make my life hell. He told me he was single, and only seemed to want me if anyone else took an interest. He would call me horrible names, call me a fat mess, a liar, a slut, thunder thighs, nobody likes me, im a murderer killing my unborn child, my family hate me, no friends, everyone laughs at me, im filthy, smelly, the list is endless but I believe him, Maybe i am these things. I self harm, I have panic attacks, I want to end my life, I hate myself, I cry every day, I sit in the bath and wish that il die in my sleep that night. You know I am not perfect, i made so many stupid mistakes because I didn't feel worthy of love, nobody ever asked me was I ok, nobody ever put me first, nobody ever wanted me... this isn't a poor woe me post either. I know I have hurt people, I Can not change the past. I wish I could. I wish all of those people I have ever hurt or have hurt me could climb into my head and see my thoughts and feelings. My anxiety is so bad that I overthink everything. I can constantly never allow myself to be happy. Always wishing my life away. I know so many people have it worse than me but I just wish i could be happy. Even walking into work today I had to stand outside and count to 20 before coming in. I have spent 30 mins crying in the toilers. I feel so lost. I have nobody to talk to about how low I am feeling. My anxiety is not as bad as it was 3/4 yrs ago but I do feel it slipping back to that. I just want to lie in bed and cry!

Sorry for the long post. I know so so so many people have it worse than me :(
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 2, 2012
Messages
8,098
Location
Teesside
Hi and welcome to the forum!
You are not alone, plenty of people here understand how you feel.
You sound in a very bad place right now.
Im a great believer in talking, especially here to people who understand and who have been where you are.
Hugs
Fox
 
SlowlyUnravels

SlowlyUnravels

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 22, 2020
Messages
196
Location
The sea
Welcome here! You've been through a lot, no need to dismiss is because others (supposedly) have it worse. Your suffering matters too and here's the place to vent and interact with others that have or have had similar problems :loveshower:
 
D

Deleted member 91323

Guest
Hello and welcome to the forum. What an awful thing for the person to say you are making things up. I am glad you have joined us as you will find support here.

It sounds like you have been in abusive relationships due to believing you do not deserve any better. I know how much damage they can do and we end up feeling even more worthless. I hope you are not with the latest person any more because being alone is better then being with somebody like him.

You have been through such a lot and it is understandable you are in pain. It sounds like counselling was helpful. I would try more therapy. I believe in having as much therapy as possible as the more we talk the more we can make sense of things.
 
Faith198

Faith198

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 30, 2020
Messages
1,157
Location
U.S.
I’m so sorry someone invalidated you and your mental health. A lot of us have had that happen and it is very disgusting. I’m hoping you can find comfort from some of the members here. I believe what you have said and that you struggle :hug:
 
K

KTNI20xx

Member
Joined
Dec 4, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Northern Ireland
Thank you all..Feel I am definitely in the right place and feel so welcome. Hope you are all okay xx
 
UpnDwn1978

UpnDwn1978

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Jun 16, 2020
Messages
6,935
Location
Norway
Hi KTNI20xx welcome to the forum :welcome:
 
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