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A little advise as to how to help someone...

R

randomsam

New member
Joined
Mar 20, 2010
Messages
1
Hi all,

I'd like to start by saying that i've never suffered with depression personally so apologies if i ask a few obvious questions or if this post is a little overly long, i just feel like i need to include all the details.

The reason i'm here, however, is i recently met someone who suffers from depression and it's become a rather confusing scenario and i'm not sure how best to handle it.
We met through an online dating site, her profile actually described herself as insecure, something which i can identify with as i'm certainly not the most confident guy in the world.
We spoke via messages for a few days and we both said we found each other very sweet, and a little while in, she actually told me about her depression and anxiety and how she's on medication for it, that she had hurt herself in the past (i don't think suicidally, although i'm not sure).
She said at the time that she hoped it wouldn't put me off her, which it didn't.

A few days later we arranged to meet, and when we did it was nice. A little awkward at first as you can imagine, but we chatted and got on, but i couldn't help notice how shy she was being. Also from the things she spoke about, there doesn't seem to be very much she enjoys doing or many people she can talk to - basically it seems to be the sort of depression which leads to an almost constant sadness, except for when she's with one or two key people.

After we met, we chatted again by text messages and i asked if she was alright, to which she replied that she was sad - it turns out that she thinks i'm perfect for her, in that i listen to her and i'm "sweet" but that she just didn't feel a spark, which she said she needs or she'd just be unhappy.

Now i really do like her, a lot infact, and without really thinking i sent a reply to that effect and basically saying that i didn't want to write off a relationship on the basis of that one meeting, where we were both nervous, etc.

After i got home i did a little reading about depression though and how it makes people feel, and i've now realised that i really don't know how to handle the situation.

It may be that she simply didn't find me attractive in one way or another, as i would ordinally assume, but reading a little about the symptoms, this lack of spark that she felt could also be a symptom of her depression?

She said that she liked the fact that i was fighting for her, that no-one had really done that before, but it still doesn't necessarily mean that anything would work out between us.

Either way, i want to be able to help her, so am i best to pull back and simply offer my friendship and my ear, or am i best to persue the relationship which i would personally like, if it has a chance to make her feel better about herself as well?

If it weren't for her depression, i would be asking her out again and doing my best to find something exciting to do for a second date, but i've really begun to care for her and i don't know if this is going to help her emotionally or not.

Sorry for the wall of text.

Sam.
 
sallyG

sallyG

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 4, 2009
Messages
1,693
Location
Essex England
Hi Sam...i met my husband through an online dating site..so i know what your going through...for me it worked out im happy to say.
Going on what you have said i would say offer her your friendship first and foremost and if anything else comes of it all well and good...
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
1,191
Location
Kent
Yes I agree with Sally, offer her the support and the friendly non-threatening ear she will almost certainly need right now, and who knows what might follow? I think if you try to rush a relationship with her she might get frightened and back right off.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you, you sound a lovely caring person.
 
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