Connorisnotokay
Well-known member
10 years ago I did something awful to someone and since that day my whole life has been controlled by guilt, fear, shame and regret. I haven’t seen this person for a very long time and I have no idea how they feel about what happened, or if they even remember. I feel I ruined mine and their life.
Afterwards I lost all my confidence and started loathing myself. I plummeted into a deep depression. I just wanted to isolate myself and not talk to anybody. Every single day I think about it. There hasn’t been I day I have been able to escape from the past. I wasn’t the same anymore, a big part of me was taken away. I had a very rough time in school, I lost a lot of friends due to feeling down most of the time.
I started isolating a lot more. Wouldn’t go out with friends, wouldn’t go out with family. All I did was stay in my room, in bed. I began to get very low and started to feel suicidal. It got so bad that I went to my doctor to be referred to the local mental health team. But before the referral had time to be processed my Mum took me to A&E because I was going to kill myself over the guilt. I was then taken to a psychiatric hospital and got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I stayed there for 3 months. I wasn’t better when I got out because I avoid talking about the primary problem. I couldn’t risk the past catching up to me so I ended up trying to start a new life. I cut off all my friends and connections to where I lived apart from my family.
I moved in with my Dad in a different location. It felt good to get away. I thought I had escaped the guilt, but it is like a ghost to me, it follows and haunts me wherever I go, there is no escape. At my Dads it started off great. I thought that if I have no connection to the past I won’t have to think about it, but that isn’t true. Thoughts were creeping back into my mind, and the more I ignored it the stronger they got. I believed that I deserved to die, that I could never be forgiven. I wanted to kill myself not only to escape how I was feeling but to pay for what I did. I was hospitalised a couple more times, this time sectioned though, but with no surprise it didn’t help.
So that brings me to the present. I am suffering with Borderline Personality disorder and still can’t get a break from my head. I’m depressed and lonely and anxious. I isolate and sit in bed all day everyday, I don’t have a life. I drink and smoke and do drugs. I self harm and get suicidal. This is no way to live, but I deserve every bad thing that happens to me and more.
I feel that I do deserve to die. I don’t want to die, but after 10 years I haven’t been able to think of any other way this can play out. I feel that its only a matter of time before the past catches up to me, and when it does I don’t want to be around to face it. I wish I was never born. I have made so many bad decisions throughout my life. I feel that its impossible for me to live a normal life. I don’t know how to fix this, I don’t know how to make things right. I’m just trying to build up the courage to finally succeed in killing myself.
If I could go back in time and change things I would. Why I had to make so many mistakes I don’t know, but its too late now. I’m on a timer and I feel like I only have minutes left. I’m so sorry for everything wrong I have done in my life, I regret it all.
Afterwards I lost all my confidence and started loathing myself. I plummeted into a deep depression. I just wanted to isolate myself and not talk to anybody. Every single day I think about it. There hasn’t been I day I have been able to escape from the past. I wasn’t the same anymore, a big part of me was taken away. I had a very rough time in school, I lost a lot of friends due to feeling down most of the time.
I started isolating a lot more. Wouldn’t go out with friends, wouldn’t go out with family. All I did was stay in my room, in bed. I began to get very low and started to feel suicidal. It got so bad that I went to my doctor to be referred to the local mental health team. But before the referral had time to be processed my Mum took me to A&E because I was going to kill myself over the guilt. I was then taken to a psychiatric hospital and got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I stayed there for 3 months. I wasn’t better when I got out because I avoid talking about the primary problem. I couldn’t risk the past catching up to me so I ended up trying to start a new life. I cut off all my friends and connections to where I lived apart from my family.
I moved in with my Dad in a different location. It felt good to get away. I thought I had escaped the guilt, but it is like a ghost to me, it follows and haunts me wherever I go, there is no escape. At my Dads it started off great. I thought that if I have no connection to the past I won’t have to think about it, but that isn’t true. Thoughts were creeping back into my mind, and the more I ignored it the stronger they got. I believed that I deserved to die, that I could never be forgiven. I wanted to kill myself not only to escape how I was feeling but to pay for what I did. I was hospitalised a couple more times, this time sectioned though, but with no surprise it didn’t help.
So that brings me to the present. I am suffering with Borderline Personality disorder and still can’t get a break from my head. I’m depressed and lonely and anxious. I isolate and sit in bed all day everyday, I don’t have a life. I drink and smoke and do drugs. I self harm and get suicidal. This is no way to live, but I deserve every bad thing that happens to me and more.
I feel that I do deserve to die. I don’t want to die, but after 10 years I haven’t been able to think of any other way this can play out. I feel that its only a matter of time before the past catches up to me, and when it does I don’t want to be around to face it. I wish I was never born. I have made so many bad decisions throughout my life. I feel that its impossible for me to live a normal life. I don’t know how to fix this, I don’t know how to make things right. I’m just trying to build up the courage to finally succeed in killing myself.
If I could go back in time and change things I would. Why I had to make so many mistakes I don’t know, but its too late now. I’m on a timer and I feel like I only have minutes left. I’m so sorry for everything wrong I have done in my life, I regret it all.
