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A Life of Guilt

Connorisnotokay

Connorisnotokay

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Jan 25, 2019
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161
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UK
10 years ago I did something awful to someone and since that day my whole life has been controlled by guilt, fear, shame and regret. I haven’t seen this person for a very long time and I have no idea how they feel about what happened, or if they even remember. I feel I ruined mine and their life.

Afterwards I lost all my confidence and started loathing myself. I plummeted into a deep depression. I just wanted to isolate myself and not talk to anybody. Every single day I think about it. There hasn’t been I day I have been able to escape from the past. I wasn’t the same anymore, a big part of me was taken away. I had a very rough time in school, I lost a lot of friends due to feeling down most of the time.

I started isolating a lot more. Wouldn’t go out with friends, wouldn’t go out with family. All I did was stay in my room, in bed. I began to get very low and started to feel suicidal. It got so bad that I went to my doctor to be referred to the local mental health team. But before the referral had time to be processed my Mum took me to A&E because I was going to kill myself over the guilt. I was then taken to a psychiatric hospital and got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I stayed there for 3 months. I wasn’t better when I got out because I avoid talking about the primary problem. I couldn’t risk the past catching up to me so I ended up trying to start a new life. I cut off all my friends and connections to where I lived apart from my family.

I moved in with my Dad in a different location. It felt good to get away. I thought I had escaped the guilt, but it is like a ghost to me, it follows and haunts me wherever I go, there is no escape. At my Dads it started off great. I thought that if I have no connection to the past I won’t have to think about it, but that isn’t true. Thoughts were creeping back into my mind, and the more I ignored it the stronger they got. I believed that I deserved to die, that I could never be forgiven. I wanted to kill myself not only to escape how I was feeling but to pay for what I did. I was hospitalised a couple more times, this time sectioned though, but with no surprise it didn’t help.

So that brings me to the present. I am suffering with Borderline Personality disorder and still can’t get a break from my head. I’m depressed and lonely and anxious. I isolate and sit in bed all day everyday, I don’t have a life. I drink and smoke and do drugs. I self harm and get suicidal. This is no way to live, but I deserve every bad thing that happens to me and more.

I feel that I do deserve to die. I don’t want to die, but after 10 years I haven’t been able to think of any other way this can play out. I feel that its only a matter of time before the past catches up to me, and when it does I don’t want to be around to face it. I wish I was never born. I have made so many bad decisions throughout my life. I feel that its impossible for me to live a normal life. I don’t know how to fix this, I don’t know how to make things right. I’m just trying to build up the courage to finally succeed in killing myself.

If I could go back in time and change things I would. Why I had to make so many mistakes I don’t know, but its too late now. I’m on a timer and I feel like I only have minutes left. I’m so sorry for everything wrong I have done in my life, I regret it all.
 
Zero One

Zero One

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I think you need to feel forgiven. Maybe you can talk to the person you hurt and let them know you are so sorry that you suffer in your soul.
 
Connorisnotokay

Connorisnotokay

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I think you need to feel forgiven. Maybe you can talk to the person you hurt and let them know you are so sorry that you suffer in your soul.
I don't think I could do that. I haven't seen them for over 8 years when I cut them out my life. Also I don't want to resurface something they may have forgotten.
 
Hello513

Hello513

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THE DEATH STAR.
I don't think I could do that. I haven't seen them for over 8 years when I cut them out my life. Also I don't want to resurface something they may have forgotten.
Why don't you try forgiving yourself. You don't need to see this person to do that.
 
Connorisnotokay

Connorisnotokay

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Well its not easy, but you have to accept that you make mistakes. Realize everyone makes mistakes, but that doesn't make you unforgivable.
My brain can't move on. It's always reminding me and telling me I'm an awful person and to fix all my mistakes I have to kill myself
 
Hello513

Hello513

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THE DEATH STAR.
My brain can't move on. It's always reminding me and telling me I'm an awful person and to fix all my mistakes I have to kill myself
It is my opinion that no one truly wants to die, but rather that suicide is a method of desperation suicide being preferable to the suffering you are experiencing.

However I have to ask you wouldn't you rather be happy in life rather than punish yourself in life.

If you commit suicide you will never know if your life could improve. You are going to die one way, or another why not stick it out and see if you can improve your life?

I mean what do you have to lose by trying to forgive yourself and improve your life. After all if you fail you will die eventually anyways, but if you succeed you may find many cherished moments in this life.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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It's always reminding me and telling me I'm an awful person and to fix all my mistakes I have to kill myself
If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.

I do hope you can find some sort of resolution to this Connor that doesn't include suicide, most of us have some regrets over the mistakes we've made in the past, I know I do, but we let them shape us into better and wiser people.
 
B

bpd2020

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Hello Connor. I have been thinking about you and hoping you were okay. I am in awe of you writing such an honest post. I think talking about the mistake to a therapist will help you to learn how to forgive yourself. That is what I would do. You have tried your best to deal with it alone and it does not seem to be working. I know I can tell you that we all make mistakes and it is human to do so but I doubt that will help you. I do not believe you need to die because you made a mistake.
 
wraziel

wraziel

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Hi Connor. FIRST: I'm VERY GLAD THAT YOU'RE STILL ALIVE AT THIS TIME :D

I've make severe mistakes, I've damaged people and myself but by inside, not too much time since that. And I will doing mistakes in future. The secret is try to live present and focus mind in another things, little things, like sit to look a sunshine and try to find the beauty in that, just breath. Find a healthy hobby like chess or so. You are so sensible.

Maybe a impulsive guy like me is not the best counselour, but the only thing that I can give for you is comprehesion. (y)
 

Control1234

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Oct 28, 2020
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England
Hi Connor, I have just joined this forum and I am going through the same thing. I have terrible guilt and shame over something and I don’t know what to do. It consumes my every thought and is destroying my life. I feel like no matter how much medication or therapy I do it will never go away. I feel like I can’t go on anymore but I have a family who need me. It’s just unbearable. If anyone has been through this can they tell me how to move on?
 
B

bpd2020

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Hi Connor, I have just joined this forum and I am going through the same thing. I have terrible guilt and shame over something and I don’t know what to do. It consumes my every thought and is destroying my life. I feel like no matter how much medication or therapy I do it will never go away. I feel like I can’t go on anymore but I have a family who need me. It’s just unbearable. If anyone has been through this can they tell me how to move on?
Hello and welcome to the forum. If you start a new thread you will get more response. :)
 

Control1234

Member
Joined
Oct 28, 2020
Messages
17
Location
England
I had really hoped time would lessen the burden for me but it doesn’t seem to be the case for you Connor. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am constantly reliving and ruminating. I don’t want to leave my wife and kids but I feel like there is no escape
 
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