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A Letter to My Boyfriend

J

Jordan_Alyse

New member
Joined
Feb 14, 2014
Messages
3
I know that I have changed. I do not know why. I’m constantly on edge. I’ve become a psychotic crazy bitch. I yell at you for everything. I get angry for everything. I’m just so tired of the constant fight between me and my brain. I haven’t felt beautiful in so long. I haven’t felt confident in so long. I haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in months. I tell myself I’m going to do things for school and never end up doing them, it happens so often that I don’t even trust myself anymore. Everything that makes me happy, I destroy. I don’t want to destroy you. I’m so sorry. I’m just so scared of ruining this. Your love for me is the only thing that I have left. It is the only thing that makes me feel like I’m worth something anymore. I don’t excel in school, even when I try. I can’t draw the way I want. I can't sing as well as I want. I have never lived up to my own expectations. I have never been able to over come the limits I put on myself. The pain of that is so hard to deal with that I blame it on everyone else. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to do.

My entire life, I have blamed my lack of friends and unsatisfying lifestyle on my surroundings. I always said it was because I was stuck in a dead end town with dead end people, but I’m in college now and I can’t even drive to the store on my own. I can’t talk to anyone; I can’t even order food over the phone. Do you know what it’s like to crave friends, to crave a certain lifestyle your entire life, and never ever doing anything about it? I can’t do anything about it. I never have been able to and I haven’t realized why until this year. How do I over come this? How do I cope with this? It’s one thing to tell someone with limited means that things will get better, but how do I have hope when I’M the reason for the way things are?

I can blame it all on my dad, but he’s not the only reason. I can blame it on my mom, but I know that she has nothing to do with it. I don’t know why I’m this way but it seems like I only try and help myself when things get so bad that I cant even bare it. When things are tolerable, I give up, I act like my breakdowns never even happened, and so does everyone else. It’s easier that way, isn’t it? To pretend like the problems never existed, like they don’t exist? It’s easier but it’s never the solution. I don’t want to end up like my dad. I can’t even look at him anymore because I’m so scared I’m looking into the future. I just don’t know how to help myself anymore, and I’ve barely done anything at all.

Where does motivation come from? Because the only motivation I find is to race through the day so I can sleep.

It’s like I’m constantly trying to fix you and I’m so sorry for that. You don’t need to be fixed, I do. You deserve to love a girl that loves herself. You deserve a girl that lets you live.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Apr 9, 2011
Messages
33,243
Location
Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
its really brave of you to post that here ,thanks for letting us read it ,how did your boyfriend respond to the letter? xx
 
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