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A half false memory I have that’s making me more confused HOCD (need help) *NSFW*

T

ThatGuy104

Member
Joined
Feb 13, 2021
Messages
18
Location
Georgia
So I saw a post on how people know when they are gay and I felt relieved to see that most people knew since they were a child and through puberty and for me I didn’t have any feelings for men growing up or anything so I thought I was fine, but then I remembered one instance from my childhood

You see when I was around 10-11, I had something called Sky, I think in America you guys call it cable, there was a load of channels on it and when I was around 10-11 I discovered the adult channels, this was a goldmine for me and that was the first time I saw boobs for the first time, I had a TV in my room and would sneakily try to watch it every night, I even showed my brothers, but I had noticed among the channels there was a channel called GayTV (I originally forgot what it was called but upon researching old channels I found it), I saw this channel a lot but I was always skipped past it, I was kinda afraid of it

  1. However, one day I happened to be curious and wanted to see what was on it (why tf did I do this), and I still remember it all, what they showed on that channel wasn’t exactly pornographic but it was explicit but I think I what I watched was an ad since you had to get a subscription for it or something like most of those channels, and I remember watching the ad and being so intrigued, I didn’t get an erection or anything but I’m not sure if I liked what I was seeing, I have no idea but the most confusing part is after that I never watched it again, you’d think if I found something I was interested in I would keep secretly watching it but I never watched it again, I’m still not sure if I found it gross or not, it just so confusing because every time I remember that damn ad I get groinal responses, I can’t tell if the feeling I’m getting are from the memory or if my HOCD is trying to convince me of that, and it doesn’t make sense because I have another memory of when I was 14 and I literally deleted the channel (we had a dream box where you could delete channels), and after that all my life I’ve been pretty grossed out by that stuff (no offence to people that like it just not my kinda thing), so idk, can someone enlighten me?
 
H

Helen1960

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 15, 2018
Messages
226
Location
Scotland
So I saw a post on how people know when they are gay and I felt relieved to see that most people knew since they were a child and through puberty and for me I didn’t have any feelings for men growing up or anything so I thought I was fine, but then I remembered one instance from my childhood

You see when I was around 10-11, I had something called Sky, I think in America you guys call it cable, there was a load of channels on it and when I was around 10-11 I discovered the adult channels, this was a goldmine for me and that was the first time I saw boobs for the first time, I had a TV in my room and would sneakily try to watch it every night, I even showed my brothers, but I had noticed among the channels there was a channel called GayTV (I originally forgot what it was called but upon researching old channels I found it), I saw this channel a lot but I was always skipped past it, I was kinda afraid of it

  1. However, one day I happened to be curious and wanted to see what was on it (why tf did I do this), and I still remember it all, what they showed on that channel wasn’t exactly pornographic but it was explicit but I think I what I watched was an ad since you had to get a subscription for it or something like most of those channels, and I remember watching the ad and being so intrigued, I didn’t get an erection or anything but I’m not sure if I liked what I was seeing, I have no idea but the most confusing part is after that I never watched it again, you’d think if I found something I was interested in I would keep secretly watching it but I never watched it again, I’m still not sure if I found it gross or not, it just so confusing because every time I remember that damn ad I get groinal responses, I can’t tell if the feeling I’m getting are from the memory or if my HOCD is trying to convince me of that, and it doesn’t make sense because I have another memory of when I was 14 and I literally deleted the channel (we had a dream box where you could delete channels), and after that all my life I’ve been pretty grossed out by that stuff (no offence to people that like it just not my kinda thing), so idk, can someone enlighten me?
 
H

Helen1960

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 15, 2018
Messages
226
Location
Scotland
Hi,

Ithink you are obsessing over a fear, which has grown arms and legs.

You have an obsessive disorder and obsession likes to take over your mind.

I'd consider medication. It will probably ease the thoughts.

Helen
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
2,159
Location
Southern USA
You are not gay if that is the question.
I'm so sorry your OCD is stuck on worry.
That sucks.
I wanted to say we are glad you joined us✌
 
L

LostGirl1987

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 19, 2020
Messages
202
Location
United Kingdom
I suppose it's natural to be curious about these things, especially when you're young and discovering this whole new thing that you never knew existed before. Believe me I know what it's like having obsessive thoughts and constant worry, it can be so draining. Have you ever spoken to a professional about these thoughts? That might help you unpack some of these feelings. Medication also helps so it might be worth speaking to a GP about that?
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
8,613
Location
Nashua NH
It sounds like your obsessive mind has honed in on one questionable thought you had in relation to one experience. It is natural for people to have some curiosity about sex in general so it’s normal that you would not immediately turn away from the cable tv channel you got a brief glimpse of with shock and horror. There is a difference though between casual curiosity about things of a homosexual nature and being outright gay. If you were gay you would likely take interest in a variety of potential homosexual partners. You would masturbate to homosexual themed materials. If you aren’t doing these things chances are you are not homosexual. I would try to get a med adjustment for your OCD or if you are not on meds then to consider speaking with a doctor about getting on them. Don’t worry about this so much. Everything is fine. xo, j
 
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